Siblings Who Fight

Hi, the only thing I could add would be that maybe they are overbooked. Maybe a little more down time (if possible).
Kim

Dear M.,
I can understand where you are coming from with those boys. My three sons, 7, 5, and 18 mos. can be quite rough with each other.
I found that if I don't spend one-on-one time with my older too at some point then they are more likely to be nasty with each other. Part of it is the age...5-9 year old boys are not always terribly pleasant. This is the age of potty humor, punching fights and belching contests. None of which are acceptable in my house, but they still happen. With Wesley, the 7 year old, he has to leave the room and spend some time alone. He hates being alone and usually cleans up his act pretty quickly. Jake, my 5 year old, needs a bit longer to calm down but once he's in control of himself, he'll usually straighten up.
One thing I've noticed is if they are super-busy running around with errands and activities...forget it. They are nasty, bickering, hateful, and ugly to be around. When we are home with nothing to do but play or read...they play for hours. Boys seem to be in tune with mom's grouchy cycles too. Wesley has told me that my grouchiness made him cranky and that's why he hit Jake on the head with whatever. This age is also all about not getting into trouble so manipulation on the part of the older one starts to really come into play.
As far as practical advice, just like when they were toddlers, take him aside, remind him that we don't treat people this way, and remove him (have him sit in his room alone for a few minutes). Make sure that the boys are not hearing negative talk from you two or from TV (the amount of garbage my son repeats to me makes me sick and I'm a TV Nazi). Another thing, try not to emphasize that your 6 yr old is the big boy and needs to be nice...that is no kind of encouragement to him. It just builds resentment. I think the key is one-on-one time with mom and/or dad on a regular basis. That removes the desire for negative attention and provides an outlet for whatever is frustrating them. Sometimes I think that they know it's safe to be mean at home and when they are upset, they lash out at brother b/c he'll keep playing afterwards.
Do you have an apology technique? I've taught my sons from the beginning that after a conflict, we need "to make it right". This includes fixing, repairing, healing, whatever to fix the problem (ie broken toy, kiss the boo-boo) and then offering an apology (when you're ready and you mean it) at which point the victim needs to offer "It's okay" when he feels that it's truly okay in order to move on. This has been very helpful for them to see that we need to fix the situation and make it right which leads to resolution on all sides. It's the same technique my husband and I worked out after lots of early marriage disagreements. (not the hitting part but the resolve the issues part)
Sorry this was so long...my boys are right there and i hope i've offered a little something that you might be able to use. Feel free to contact me if you have any other questions.
A.
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Hay,Im a mom of 8 kids,4 boys and 4 girls,and I dont have time for alot of fighting,it wears on everyones nerves...We have family nights,once a week and we have jurnals that each child writes in after homework is done,they can write anything that is important to them that day..good or bad..if they are to young to write they can color or draw a picture,its a stress releaser and down time to remember whats important of that day. We leave them on the kitchen counter,by the library books and home work,always at hands reach,then when we have family night,we can share what we had to deal with that week and some times its very up setting things and other times,its so funny,it takes our minds off what, may have been bad for that one child,they even encourage one another and try to give advice, if one child starts acting out at family time,they are ask to leave the room,it dosnt happen anymore,becuse they like everyone to hear how they felt and handled thier problems and each one is,so different and have such defferent feelings, it shows them,that what may upset one child, may make another cild laugh..they even tell each other,if one has hurt the other and we find at times it wasnt intentional,just not taking time to see the sibbling as another human with the same feelings,and if there is somthing that has a child so worked up,he or she is physical,we have a circle drive and they do laps around the drive,till they can talk about it in a calm manner,the more we try to talk to them when they are upset,they dont hear us,becuse the flusstration is to big for them...I always try to remember when I was that age and every thing was magnfied 10X grater then the problem and just getting it out to some one else,seems to valadate,your feeling,is all thats needed. But, as parents,I find it so inconvient,at times,when Im taped out,to deal with it right,then and there...but, when I take that moment and address it,calmly and loving,its done for a longer time,before the next one...and I feel more peace with myself that I handled it,and it was done,it give me more strangth,becuse I didnt let it keep building up on myself and others in the house,I dont want it to go into the next day or weeks of battling each other. And another thing I learened through the years,dont take how your childern act and miss use each other,personal,they are thier own person and they need to handle things when they grow up,with thier own person allity,not what we would have done,I can be an example and they can use thier own mind haw to use it in thier life after leaving home. We have 4 childern out one thier own and raising families,and the grandkids love to come spend days with us,even with our house rules and it shows that kids like rules and bondries, it lets them know we love them and care.I also have a timer and its used for my one on one time..each night I have 15min. for one child,a night,they have to wait for thier night to come and my husbund also will take one on one,to help in the garage or work in the yard,ect. this is a family thing,they can use it anyway they want..they can read to me,we can color together,I have one that likes to play lagos with me and one likes me to make a line on a blank paper and then its his trun and mine till, we see what picture we drew together,I can add to his lines or start a new one,but it all comes together in the end,he hangs them on his wall,some a pretty good,LOL but that 15 min. is pricless and everyone knows it will be thier time too,I enjoy it and the reason for 15min. is to keep it from a child monopalising all the time and you still have boundries and they use time wisly,its all good!!You may find somthing else works for your family and I sure know raising childern can be a hit and miss,when it comes to redirecting behaviers,good luck and God Bless.G. S.

Some arguing and fighting between siblings is normal, but when it get phsyical: this is what I use to do. I would take two kitchen chairs face them toward each other and I woould not let them get up until they truely for their hearts told each other that they loved and cared for one another. When I first started doing this (mine were girls) they hated me, sometimes they sat for as long as 4 hours. I wouldn't let them move. I always reenforced that we were a family and one day the two of them may need to depend on one another. They didn't understand then but they are grown now, and closer and more loving to each ohter than you could ever imagine. Mined you now they fought when I wasn't around (I would be working)but they respected me and didn't do it around me. Siblings are going to dispute about a number of things and they have to set their own boundaries with one another, just as we do with people. I hope I have helped. Let me know how things are going. >K<

I know this seems like a crazy thing to do but I have seen it work for many people, including myself and our 9Yr. old daughter and 6 yr. old son: Make them sit on the floor, couch or wherever and put their arms around each other. They have to sit this way until all is calm. Can't explain the psychology of why it works but I've seen it turn an outright war into a peaceful alliance many times.

I like the book "Siblings Without Rivalry". When my 3 and 6 year old girls fight, I make them sit on the bed together and work it out. They can't get up until they decide to both get up and play nicely together. It actually works pretty well for us.

i have a 6 yr old boy and a 3 yr old girl who do the same thing. fite as if theres no tomarrow. and like you im at a loss on how to get them to stop. my girl has become the meaner one im guessing becaues her brother is bigger and shes just giving him what he gave her. everyone keeps telling me that her being mean is his payback for him being mean to her when she was younger.but i dnt know i do spend alot of one on one time with both of them and i am tring to spend together time with the both of them so they can see that im not favoring one or the other. as long as im with them when they play they dnt fight but as soon as i have to do something or just turn my head for a min the go crazy. i have also been told that all this is because im ahveing another baby due in feb but i dnt think so because they did this before i got prego just wanted to let you know your not alone with this and if and when one of us find a way to get past this i hope we can help each other out

I think a little more one on one time w/ each child would help. I have a 3 yr old & an 11 yr old. & they even fight. I notice my older one fights w/ the youngest one MORE when i havent spent the one on one time w/ her. I have girls too & they r not as rough. I usually take my oldest, we go in her room just the two of us & play a game on the floor, or we lay down in her bed & watch tv whatever she wants to watch. or sometimes we just sit in there & talk. It really helps. I hope this advice helps a little bit. Take care & good luck.