Advice from Other Moms with Children Less than Two Years Apart

My boys are 26 months apart, but as soon as we knew I was pregnant, we started to tell my first son about the new baby. We showed him books of siblings playing together and tried to make it a very exciting event that was about to happen. He was very happy when his brother came and never really seemed to go through a jealousy stage. While I was pregnant, we made changes like not picking him up so much, introduce that he has some time with mommy, but mommy has to have alone time with baby too (my nap time). We tried to think of as many situation that may happen once we had two kids and tried to change his routine already so it won't be a drastic change once the baby arrived.

My boys are now 3 and 18 months, and they play together and are very protective of each other when we are out. Neither one seems to have gone through the "my/mine" stage yet, and I hope that they don't. We just continue to stress the sharing of everything, including mommy and daddy. So far so good.

Well I have a 4 week old and one almost 19 months old. She was an angel (still is) but very jealous. Its getting easier every day I think or Im just learning to cope better. I have asked Moms the same question and noone says its easy, especially for the first year. I stay very active and always let my girl no how important she is but wow, Its been a handful!

My first boy (Zach) was born Dec 2003, our second boy (Nick) was born July 2006, our third boy (Jake) was born January 2008. My first and second are 31 months apart and my second and third are 17 months. Nick did not comprehend that another baby was coming. When I was in the hospital, he saw the baby for the first time and I was holding Jake. We asked Nick if he wanted to take the baby home with us and he said NO. It took me a little while to feel ok with having a third. I thought we were done at 2, and God decided differently. I'm glad we have him but there were a few times during my pregnancy that I was irritated and grouchy about being pregnant. Nick has had some difficulty adjusting. He goes between being jealous and being loving/caring. One minute he'll be smiling at Jake, the next minute he'll be telling me to put him down in his chair so I can hold Nick. Part of this stems from being pregnant. When you start to show, it will become increasingly more difficult to do things like pick up your son and getting down on the floor (and getting back up!) Then you'll get so big that there is no way he can sit in your lap for you to hold him and that will upset him too. The only thing that helped Nick was to have Daddy become a really big part of his life and keep him super busy so that he doesn't have a lot of time to get upset or think about the lack of affection from you. It will also really help when the baby comes if Daddy is already used to doing a lot for your older boy - like bathtime, bedtime etc. It will be less of a transition for everyone. Also, laying down next to him while watching a movie was the only way I could get close to him. Nick was super cuddly and still is. he was so happy when I could pick him up and hold him after I had Jake.
Regarding the jealousy, my mother in law's idea of helping the jealousy was to just buy two of everything (for my older two). That was ok for a while, but they never learn to share if they have two of everything. (Besides, it being really expensive!!) It does take a lot of patience to get them to be nice to each other. They'll argue and fight over everything. My rules are no hitting or name calling and you can only play with as many toys as you can hold. (That stops them from hoarding toys from the other). Other than that, they can fight about the toys until it irritates me... if they don't figure it out quickly then I just take the toy away. They learned really quick to either argue quietly for a long time, or loud but very quickly. It's pretty funny to watch them, actually. Something that is different for us than it might be for you is that our boys share a room. So that eliminates the possibility of each one having their own set of toys. Anyway, it's a learning process for everyone. And it's a series of phases. But when your older one hits about 3, he's really going to want to start playing with the baby and it will be a world of fun. My favorite thing is to tell Zach to show Nick how to play with this or that, or they'll get some toys and show Jake and talk to him about the colors or what it does. It will be fun.... eventually :) Just hang in there!
Best of luck,
Jen

Hello R.,

I am a stay at home mom and my kids are 23 1/2 months apart. My daughter is 2 1/2 and my son is 7 months. I am not going to say that it is easy but as the months have gone by...it has gotten easier. My daughter is very jealous of my son and I have major guilt about her not being the center of attention all of the time. But you have to remember that in the long run...the older one will thank you for giving them a sibling. Also, boys are different at adjusting than girls so it may be easier for you. My daughter is a DRAMA queen and my son is the easiest baby EVER! My only advice that I can give (and was given myself) is that you should have a couple of gifts from the new baby to your son. It will make his day that 1. He got something and 2. It's from this new baby that is coming in to the family. Good Luck to you!!!

Hi R.,

Well you've gotten a lot of responses, but I think I win the prize for closest together thus far. I have a 4 month old and a 17 month old, so mine are just over one year apart. You are soon to be part of the "two-under-two" club... yay for you! There are lots of posts out there (on parent center, etc.) that cater specifically to two under two issues, so you won't have any problems finding advice. There is also a website (twoundertwo.com), but they don't seem to really keep it up. Their tagline, however, "if you just have one you only know the half of it" is pretty dead on. The other phrasing you'll see is "irish twins." So, that's my advice for finding advice, other than mamasource.

There are a lot of issues here, so if you have any specific questions feel free to send a personal message. For my kids, my oldest doesn't really understand that his baby brother is a person, let alone his "brother." So, he tends to treat him pretty much the way he treats the cats, but there is an inkling of recognition there. He will tell you when he's crying (as in, MOM! DO SOMETHING....), bend down and put his pacifier in his mouth or give him a kiss, and give him little toys and presents (usually leaves or flowers). He also tries to sit on my lap when I'm changing his brother (pretty classic jealous tactic), throws things at the baby's head, steals his pacifier or blanket, etc. The main difficulty with these things is that you can't really discipline a 17 month old. He doesn't really understand what's going on, and you can't explain it to him. I basically tried to divert this kind of behavior into getting him to help me, which he's really into right now. If I'm changing the baby, I'll have my oldest bring me the wipes or the diaper cream, put the changing pad back when we're done, etc. For the most part, this seems to have worked because he's pretty much stopped trying to get attention in these ways. He recently seems to have decided that his brother is here to stay and has even started the old "only I can pick on my brother" routine and has started defending his brother from other kids.

Since your oldest will be a little older, and will probably ask questions about your belly and "hey, who the hell is that kid???" I suggest talking to him a lot, getting him some books, and going the whole "won't it be fun to be a big brother" route. If you just found out you're pregnant, I'm guessing your oldest will be about 22-23 months when the baby's born so that's not too bad! Good luck!

My kids are 18 months apart. While it was a surprise to us too, I loved it! Once they were both old enough to play,they always had a friend, and many of those steps in growing were accomplished about at the same time. The great parts outweighed the hard parts...and you get the diapers over with pretty quickly! My kids are grown now and they are best friends. Don't worry about the jealousy...the kids are so young, it doesn't last long and #1 just has to realize that #2 isn't leaving..don't worry about it, just enjoy your two little babies. It's a LOT of fun. Also, when the old ladies in the grocery store ask you about your twins (!) it's good for a laugh!
Jann

R.,
I have three boys the oldest and the middle are 13 mths apart and the middle and the youngest are 21 mths apart. I never had a minute of jealousy with my oldest, but after # 3 the middle guy was a little jealous. It just worked it self out. He may be a little jealous at first, but as long as you show him attention and continue to spend time with him it will be fine. the pros of having children close is that they grow up together and play together. If one is gone the other is lonely. some of the cons are that they will fight over toys. I would definately get a double stroller a front and back one, not a side by side. If we had to go back and do it again we wouldn't change the age difference. we love it!

My girls are 25 months apart and the older one does have some sharing issues but I think as long as you are "fair" and make it a point to show extra love to the older one, they will be fine. If my older one gets in trouble for doing something to the younger one I make sure I tell her "and I would never let her do that to you either" just so she knows what's good for her is good for the younger as well. And I always tell them they are my "2 favorite girls". In the beginning my older one would keep telling me to put the baby down, or don't take her with us when we would go places but once she realized the baby was a permanent fixture, she got over that. I think just being consistent and making sure to spread the love both ways is all it takes. Good luck to you! The first year is hard but it gets easier :)

Hey R., I have 3 kids, each a little less than 2 years apart. I won't pretend it's always easy, because you don't need someone to tell you it's a walk in the park, you need the truth. Going from one little one to a toddler and a newborn was very challenging for me. I was used to just being able to take my first one anywhere I needed or wanted to go on a moment's notice. When #2 came along it threw a wrench in the works. everything takes longer and more effort, so prepare yourself for that. All that being said, now that they are 5 and 3, they are best friends and they really occupy one another well so I've been able to maintain my sanity while having another baby. It's like having a built in playdate. One peice of advice, work with your son on nurturing behavior and make him a part of welcoming your new baby so he doesn't feel jealous and take it out on the baby. My son helped me put the baby's crib together and get the room painted and we even practice holding bottles, it was great for him. He is the most protective big brother and I'm proud that he cares for his little sisters. You will have to set aside time for him.I still take him on "dates" once in a while so he gets alone time with mommy, it really makes him feel good about being the "big boy."
One the flip side of the having them close together/far apart debate, I'm the oldest of 3 and we were each 7 years apart. we are all very loving and close, but it's hard b/c I was off to college by the time my little brother hit kindergarten so we missed a lot of time together. So, even though it's nice to have an older child to help out, it's hard to be close to a sibling 14 years your junior, just a thought!
I wish you all the best! If you ever need an e-friend, I'm here!

There are definitely challenges, but it does get easier with time. It takes the older child a while to realize that the baby is a person too and not a toy or pet. Plus, being in the same age range, they will both be interested in the same toys. So any baby toys that the older one has "outgrown" he will probably find a new fascination with after he sees that baby playing with them. My 3 yr old referred to his baby brother as "that baby" for a long time. Would tell me to put that baby down. Put him away.
I did buy the baby doll for him before I had the baby. He would practice feeding him and swaddling him in the blanket. He wasn't the most gentle "parent" to his baby doll, but what 2 year old boy is gentle? I think it kind of helped. I also asked his help with holding the bottle, getting a diaper, and simple things that he could do. His favorite is throwing a changed diaper into the garbage can. Because for the first time he was allowed to go near the garbage can. Silly kid.
But they get along pretty good now. There are still "mine" fights. I still have to remind the older one that Matthew is a person too and not just a baby. (the "baby" is now a little over a year and only 5 pounds less than the 3 1/2 year old) So he can hold his own ground and doesn't get pushed over anymore. You just have to make time to spend one on one with each child as much as you can. Mine have opposite nap schedules still because the older takes one and the younger takes two. So it allows me time to spend with them alone each day.
There are struggles. I didn't leave the house without help ... wait... I still don't! ha If I MUST leave the house, I can, but I prefer to stay home with them unless I have someone to help me get them in and out of the car and stroller, etc. But they're only young once, so when they grow up, the struggles change and you'll be facing new problems. :o) Good luck! Keep your thoughts on the positive side of things and it'll be great!

I completely understand where you are coming from. My daughter was 6 months old when we found out we were preggo with baby number 2. My children are now 21 months and almost 7months. A girl and a boy. I won't lie and say it is easy, because it was the hardest thing I have ever done and I was blessed to be able to stay home until now currently looking for a job. Your son is probably still too young to be too jealous, but you will be the one feeling guilty.... I wanted to give my daughter so much more attention, but the baby demanded it. My daughter has now regressed badly. Not speaking well and still on the bottle, in a diaper atc...

My advice, talk to your son's pediatrician. They can recommend ways to help your first child not regress so badly and to overcome jealousy.

Feel free to send me a msg if you need to talk.

my brother is 1 yr 10 days and 5 min older. We had no problems. My parents showed no favortism.

My kids are 2 years and 1 day apart. I read some of the other moms advice to you. I agree...you need to let your 2 year old help you as much as you can. You will be surprise at how helpful he will be. Just keep talking about how there is a baby in your tummy. Get a baby doll so he can help his little baby when you are busy with your new little one. Your 2 year old will always want or need something when you are in the middle of a feeding...but he will just have to learn to wait until mommy is done. It will be hard at times but just remember there is enough mommy and daddy love to go around. It never runs out. I find myself wanting my kids to grow up faster but I know when they get bigger that I will want them to be little again. Good luck with your pregnancy!

you could try to make the 2 year old ,feel like he is needed.let him help you take care of the baby.talk to him,like he is the big one around.teach him to help you look out for the little one.it will make him feel special,if you let him think ,that he is doing something special.good luck,hope all goes well.

All I can tell you is it is hard and you will get no sleep. My daughters are 19mths apart and my second and third with be 17mths apart. Of course like you I feel like I am not ready for a third and this one was not planned. My first is very jealous, hits etc but that is normal. I try to spend as much individual time with her as possible. My second is just as jealous. She pulls my oldest off of my lap etc. She throws the biggest temper tantrums that she picks up from her big sis. She started those at 9 mths old, so be prepared. She tries to do everything her big sis does, which is very dangerous and requires more attention. They both are constantly sick and my youngest had constant ear infections, never slept through the night until 14mths old. I am either up with one or the other most nights (colds, teething, bad dreams etc). My eldest had night terrors when the baby was born to add to it. Taking them places is so hard. One runs one way the other the other way. I use to have so much patience and took pride in the fact I never yelled at my eldest well that all changed with the second. My advice to anyone is not to have children so close together but that is too late for you. Make sure you adjust your boy to having his father do stuff for him i.e. bath, bed, waking up with him at night etc. I never did that and now both of them only want me at night which makes it hard on all of us. My eldest wont let my husband bathe her or dress her because I always did it. And be prepared for constant fighting. My youngest wants every toy her sister has and vice versa. The fight so bad somedays and they are only 15mths and almost 3 right now. Good luck!

I have three kids, and they are spaced with just under two years in between. I didn't have a huge problem with jealousy. (There's sibling rivalry of course now that they're a little older.) But my first two were boys, and I've noticed with other children that girls tend to be more jealous than boys. Anyway, advice I was given is to give your child a doll baby that they can care for and learn what you will be doing for the new baby when he/she arrives. My boys still like to play with the doll babies, and they are wonderful with their baby sister.

I have two boys that are 18 months apart (planned).I think even when the second is planned, and no matter how far apart, you never feel quite ready to do it all again. But, trust me, you will make it work and you'll enjoy it.

Now that my boys are 15 months and almost three, they are the best of friends and playmates. There are sibling rivalry issues, but that will happen no matter how far apart they are. I think there are far fewer jealousy issues, becuase the older one never got used to being an only child and won't even remeber life before his brother.

Every child is different, so yours may not even be the jeaslous type. You will have to wait until the baby comes to know for sure how he'll react, but involve him in the pregnancy as much as you can and talk abaout the new baby a lot, and let him play with a baby doll. Granted, he will likley still be shocked when the baby is real, but it may help him with transition.

Best of luck to you and congratualtions!

I have 3 children. My first two are 15 months apart, and my middle and last are 16 months apart!

Oh R., I remember finding out that I was pregnant with our second child when my daughter (our first) was only 5 months old! Yeah, I cried and felt that I wasn't going to be able to breathe and wondered how I was going to ever be able to handle two children that were going to be 15 months apart! Once you calm down and remember that God never gives you anything more than you can handle you can do fine.

My biggest advice for you right now is:
1) Get your oldest on a schedule. This will help you be able to fit the other into the already existing schedule.
2) Find a form of discipline that works for your family NOW. If you have established discipline then on those days when you have no patience it will be much easier.
3) Make your oldest child a big part of everything regarding the baby. My kids went with me to every appointment and even saw the ultrasound.

Personally I love having the kids so close in age. After our beautiful little accident Rocco Mario, came along and I had settled through the craziness of the first 3 months I told my husband that if we were going for a 3rd child then we needed to do it before Rocco Mario was one. Well, I now have Tino Giovanni how is 10 months old, the boys are 16 months apart. I think they get along really well, there isn't a lot of fighting or jealousy in our house. Ofcourse I'm big on teaching them about sharing, being under control, loving one another, and other bibical principals which I think helps a lot. I also make sure that they know to use their words and not hands (which was hard for the little ones who don't talk or just started talking, but the older one has this mastered).

I think that as long as you breathe, try to relax and just enjoy the fact that they are so close and will be great friends and always have a companion, you will be just fine. It really was only about the first 3 months that were hard. I had major guilt regarding leaving my first sometimes while I was nursing and putting the baby down. Once I overcame the fact that I couldn't devote my attention to my oldest all the time, it wasn't that hard. Honestly, I think that I had a bigger adjustment to them being so close and adding another child then they did any of the time!

Good luck and if you need anything, feel free to email me ____@____.com or call me ###-###-####). You can do it! I wouldn't have it any other way, and I had thought of having them 3 years apart....now I look at people who have them 3 years or more apart and think that they are the crazy ones and not me! LOL

Oh, and another thing, be prepared to hear everyone say, "Oh, you have your hands full don't you?!" My response is, "Yes, Full of love!"

I have 3 kids under 2 1/2 and I am a stay at home Mom. My oldest daughter is 31 months, my son is 17 months and my youngest daughter is 2 months old. They are 14 months and 15 months apart. Tell your son that there "is a baby in Mommy's tummy". When we would see a new baby, I would tell my kids that there is a baby in my tummy like that and some day she will come out too. When we would see pregnant women, I told them that they have a baby in their tummy just like Mommy does. Keep him involved in the pregnancy as much as possible. My kids came with me to my doctor appt. It helped them understand why "Mommy's tummy" was growing, and they were able to hear the baby's heartbeat as well as see the ultrasound. There are also books about becomeing a "big brother/sister". When the baby starts moving around a lot let him feel the baby move and explain to him what is going on. When the baby was born, I gave a little gift to my other kids as a gift "from the baby". Also, I let them "help" me take care of the baby. They can bring diapers, burp clothes, help hold the bottle, etc. My daughter feels like such a big girl because she gets to help take care of the baby. Also, when we reused some things that the older kids had (like toys, crib, car seat) we gave the older kids "big kids toys, bed, car seat, etc" before giving it to the baby. That way it didn't seem like the baby was takeing their things away from them. It will help to get your son in a routine now, it will probably be a little crazy at first and sticking to a routine as much as possible can help him adjust. Spend one on one time with him, it can be hard with a new baby, but that can help prevent jealousy. I haven't had a problem with jealousy that much. I am breastfeeding, so it was hard at first to spend one on one time with my older kids. Now that the baby takes a bottle (when I pump) and she sleeps longer, I can spend more time with the older kids. They all get along pretty good. I think a big advantage to haveing kids close in age is that they have each other as friends. Often times, the younger one wants to be like the older so they might potty train sooner and learn other things sooner. On the other hand, the older child may try to act more like a baby to get attention. Also, when my older kids try to "play" with they baby they are a little ruff at first. After a while they understand that the baby is little and you have to be gentle when rocking her in the bouncer, puching the swing, etc. It may help for your son to have a baby doll to take care of, just like Mommy takes care of the baby. He will be more dependent as well, so he might be ok to go play by himself with "big boy toys" while you take care of the baby. The first couple of months are hard, getting everybody used to a new baby and no sleep, but it gets better. Going out can be a litte crazy too... buy a double stroller, that helps me out a lot. For me, it can getting frustrating and crazy at times, but I wouldn't change anything. Like other's had posted, you will probably hear "you have your hands full!" or "are they twins?" a lot. God bless and hang in there. Good luck on your pregnancy! Let me know if you have any more questions and I would be glad to help as best that I can. My email is ____@____.com Best wishes, M.

Hi, I have a five yr old and a three yr old and I always made sure my son was involved with her care. He would get a diaper for me and I always let him hold her and he is still very good with her even tho they fight alot. I never had any jealousy issues in the first yr. I just make sure they get the same everything when buying them something to help prevent fighting most of the time. I used to put my baby on a blanket on the floor where my son was watching tv and he would talk to her and lay beside her and once he even divebombed from the couch over top of her-I freaked out but she didnt even wake up. I am actually surprised out how good of a big brother he is and very proud of him. Good luck and have a great pregnancy!!!

I did it twice...accidently. We became parents three times in 39 months.
I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to give #1 any attention at all. She was angry with me for a few weeks, even at 20 months old she let me know it by acting out. But we just played up the big sister role & she did fine. The 2nd time she became a big sister she had just turned 3 & she was an old pro. She helped baby #2 with his role as big brother. They kept one another occupied & became the best of friends. Now that they are 6, 4 & 3 it's weird because they are all the same size. They play great together, but get scrappy with each other too. Sometimes I think I'm gonna go crazy from trying to keep up with all of their needs, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just give your son the love that you've given him all along. You'll find ways to make him feel special without making him grow up too fast.
God always has perfect timing. You'll be fine and so will all of your children. Have fun.
Blessings!