I Need Help - Marysville,MI

I've been reading the book Siblings Without Rivalry and I think it offers some really great suggestions both on how to stop and further prevent siblings fighting. There is even a special section on how to handle/diffuse the situation when kids do fight.

This has really been working for me this summer.
My kids were fighting constantly so since they love Kilwin's icecream and going downtown, I decided to have them help me make a "Kilwin's" jar. They decorated it. Well, everyone time they say or do something nice for each other, they get a quarter put into the Kilwin's jar. When they, fight, argue, or say something mean to each other, they get a quarter taken out of the jar. ...Every time they do something mean. When they earn enough money by being nice, we will go to Kilwin's for an icecream treat! It has been wonderful!! It's not instant, but it has helped SOOOOO much in the last couple of weeks!! They are so aware of how often they were being mean to each other. And being nice and caring is now the natural way for them to act to each other. Before, it would have been odd for them to say something nice out of the blue. It really is working great! It'll take you being consistent with putting the quarters in and out though. ...And keep the jar out of reach. One day my 5 year old decided to put a bunch of her money in it to get the process moving faster. :)
Just make the reward something that they really want.
Good luck and hang in there!

Chores: My 11 yr. old cleans his room and makes his bed of course, but also sweeps, shakes out small rugs outside, vaccums, empties waste baskets, and empties and fills the dishwasher.
My 5 yr. old cleans her room (with my help) and helps clear off the dinner table, vaccums (sometimes), dusts, and picks up the sticks in the yard before we mow.

The teachings in Parenting with Love and Logic are pretty good for resistant behaviors.

A.,

I have 5 boys ages 13, 11, 8, 5 1/2, and 2 1/2. We live on a farm so in addition to farm chores my 3 older boys sort and fold all thier own playclothes and put them away. I fold the younger boys playclothes for them but the 5 yr old puts his own away. At age 4 I had them at least unloading the silverware tray from the dishwasher, and picking up after themselves. I would assign 1 child the top shelf and 1 child the bottom shelf of the dishwasher putting away clean dishes. We have since gotten rid of the dishwasher and now that its summer, we spend an hour every day together cleaning up the kitchen. I have kids transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer, sweeping the floor, washing off the table or counters. Usually we do this right after breakfast. Then the older boys go outside to help dad (but for some reason they LIKE that work! lol)

As far as fighting, I assign extra chores to them. Household chores that they do not like to do. Whatever needs to be done, and I find it more effective if they especially do not like to do it. One son hates to vaccum, so if he is involved, I generally give him that to do if it needs it. One day they fought all day long, and they pretty much had my whole house clean. The next day all I had to do was ask the question "do I hear you boys fighting? I have work that needs to be done." and it would get very quiet. I guess I am of the opinion that if they have that much extra engery and the only use they can find for it is to fight, then I am going to put it to GOOD use!

A.,

For the chores and fun summer activities, check out The House Fairy www.housefairy.org This program is great and includes a chore chart broken down by age groups. My son, who is 7, could be doing a lot more than he does now but his chores include feeding the dog 3 times a day, setting the table for dinner, helping with the weekly home blessing hour, putting away his clean clothes daily, cleaning up his playroom and bedroom on a daily basis, and just helping out with general chores.

For the fighting, one suggestion would be to lay down ground rules for disagreements. My son has a few friends who are just as bossy as he is and this is a recipe for arguments. After they walked in the door I sat both children down (mine included) and laid out the ground rules for disagreements. This included no hitting, no name calling, no yelling, no interrupting when the other is talking, and no running to me to fix it. They both had to go somewhere quiet and work out a solution to their argument on their own and they couldn't tell me what it was.

So far this technique has worked great for the past year and the kids have learned not only to negotiate, but also to listen to the other person's side of the problem. It doesn't work every time, but with a reminder to the rules they are quickly back on track and usually find a solution to the problem I would never had thought of myself.

With siblings you will need to lay out the consequences for breaking the rules stated above. This may include losing privileges for the day, spending time in their bedroom with no tv, no computer, and no gaming system; or something similar.

Good luck!

-C..

p.s. Why not do camp at home with fun activities planned for each day and chores that need to be completed by the family before the fun can be done?

FlyLady's program has some great suggestions for camp at home. www.flylady.net

My 6 & 8 yr. olds fight too. Usually it is only once a day. Because I don't put up with it. When they fight, they go straight to their rooms for a time out. So they control themselves for fear of sitting in time out all day. Try it. It may take you one or two days of constantly putting them in chairs in seperate rooms. But they will stop if you are being consistent. Good luck. Google chore charts. You can print out really neat ones on some of the websites. Or you can purchase reusable ones too. I'm getting online now and looking for some activities to enroll them in to keep them busy. Check your local recreation center.

What we do is if they are fighting way to much is make them spend the next day together, in which they have to compromise on everything or else it becomes two days. If we go down to the pool, they have to swim together side by side. When this happens all computer, and video games are not an option for them, it has to be a board game where they need to work together. This has help us out, cause when they come back from their moms house and my moms house the first days are the worst. Usually it takes one time and they are good the rest of them they are with us. We do this with our teenagers too depending on how bad they get, but for the most part is used on the younger ones that are 10 and 8. Just sharing what works for me, and my not work for others. I got this from my son's social worker at his school cause she formed a group of kid's and met with them everyday for an hour and she purposely made sure there was not enough of something and they had to use kind works and work together with one another. I hope this helps.

M.

My kids are 11, 6, and 3. I can't really think of much as far as the sibling rivalry. I know sometimes my older two play great and sometimes they're terrible to each other. I always sit them down either individually or together and remind my oldest that she's a lot older than her sister, and remind my younger one that her sister is older and that's why she gets bossy, and just elaborate on that to them. And I'll tell them they are sisters, blah blah blah. I don't know how much it helps, but I have to be firm about it when I talk with them. I also think because they're girls this does work because they're sensitive with me just talking to them (at least for a little while), but if they were boys I don't think talking to them like that would do much. LOL. My next step would be to take away privelages or discipline appropriate things - they're fighting while playing with something then they both get grounded from it. Just stick to your guns with them!

As far as chores... my oldest (11 years) unloads and loads the dishwasher, fills the dog and cat dishes, feeds the fish, changes the cat litter, cleans the bathrooms, and her bedroom. My 6 year old straightens the shoes by the door, takes care of any dishes left in living room and puts throw pillows on couch, and then cleans her bedroom. My 3 year old has to be supervised when doing any cleaning and he doesn't necessarily have daily chores. But I'll be right there with him and give him step by step instructions - "put that on the book shelf, throw that in the toy box, etc." I do give my older two an allowance and the oldest gets a little more than the 6 year old, but she also has more responsibility. You could also do a reward for completing their chores - like they get a happy meal or ice cream at end of week, etc. That may work better for your younger two because even my 6 year old doesn't fully comprehend the money. In fact, I wouldn't give her money/allowance if I didn't have big sister to give one to.

As far as a schedule I only allow each child to pick out one movie or t.v. show each day. Usually around "rest/nap" time. I also limit their computer time - the older two get either 45 min each or an 1 1/2 together - sometimes they play webkinz online together. I also try to incorporate some kind of a craft - draw, color, paint, craft (I'll sometimes pick stuff up for craft), etc. And they have to go outdoors at least once a day (weather permitting). This could be to a park, ride bikes around the neighborhood, just play in own yard, get out the hose if it's real hot out, etc. Of course all this varies depending on what is going on, but my main goal is that they're not just watching t.v. all day long.

Our 2 yr old helps by feeding our cat.
Our 5 yr old has a chore list that includes feeding the dog and watering her.
Our 8 yr old sets and cleans off the table, and helps load the dishwasher.
They all also have to keep their toys picked up when not playing with them...
And have to keep their beds and room picked up and the older 2 are incharge of putting their own clothes away in their drawers...

Just a word of warning... The fighting will not be stopped by giving them chores... I remember my mom almost going crazy because of me and my siblings bickering...

During times it gets annoying for me we practice quiet time. During these times ALL children sit down and read a book. NO WORDS... Also, send them outside... :-)

If they start the whole telling mom about every little thing... I tell my kids to work it out... And I keep my ears open, but don't interfere... Unless it starts getting insane or violent.

Good luck and hopefully others have some ideas for both of us.