Siblings Always Arguing

My mom sometimes made us sit in a chair together, or hug each other for a specific amt of time. We usually ended up laughing by the time we could stop hugging. Her version of time out.
Good luck! There are excelent ideas here.

AHH fighting siblings!! I have similar issues with my 2 girls, ages 5 and 7. When they start in on each other, I physically separate them, they can't go near each other or even talk to each other. They sometimes forget how lucky they are to have each other as constant playmates. I remind them that they're "best friends" and will always have each other and they need to treat each other as they would treat another friend. As for sharing toys, if they're fighting over a co-owned toy, I just confiscate it and they both lose. They know I'm not going to take any of their ____@____.com and a great way for them to lose a toy is to fight over it. They share a lot of the same toys, but if a certain toy truly belongs to one (like a special birthday present, etc) they do not have to share it unless they want to, end of story. If the other starts whining about that (like your little guy does), they get escorted to another part of the house where we can't hear the whining - they can whine all they like, just not within my hearing. Your youngest son is not yet 4, but that's still old enough to learn about sharing and not whining about it. And if when my girls start complaining about "so and so hurt me", chances are they're both giving as good as they're getting so I ask "Is there blood? Is someone dying? No? Then resolve it amongst yourselves but do it where I can't hear your yelling and shouting. If I hear the yelling and shouting, you'll both be in trouble, no questions asked." Then the most important part of all this - FOLLOW THROUGH. It sounds like your boys need to spend much more time in their own rooms and learn that playing with each other is a privilege and not a right. Fun being a parent, isnt' it?

I just read about an idea today that sounded good.

When the two start to argue about something, sit them down with an egg timer. Set it for 3 minutes. One child has the full 3 minutes (if they want to use the whole time) to tell their side of the story without any interruptions. Then set it for 3 minutes again and the other child gets a turn.

Continue going back & forth like that until both are done. This allows each child to feel like they are being heard as well as making them listen to the other child's side of it.

Good luck!

I have the same problem but my sons are 1.5 years apart, and they argue over the same things. Ever heard of Love and Logic - it's a website for parenting that my counselor suggested for us. It suggests when kids start fighting, have them leave your presence - you are not to be their referee. They tend to stop when you're not there to take sides. Also suggested is that you tell them they are draining your energy and they will have to do some of your chores to fill you back up with energy. This works well for kids who don't like to clean.

For a time I had my children in a Montessori program. One of the things they taught me- and I always thought made a lot of sense- is to ditch the tradtional idea of sharing. If you think about it, as adults, how many of our toys do we share with our friends when they visit? Or for that matter our other family members? Let your sons have their personal toys, even if they weren't 5 years apart in age, I think each child should be able to have a stash of their very personal things.

There should also be some well defined "communal" toys and games. So if they want to play with each other or share with friends, then those toys are available. This sort of philosophy has also helped me to teach my children to respect my privacy and my things-- as they are getting respect for their privacy and their things.

With the younger child too, there was this philosphy that they cant conceptually understand sharing-- once they have to share, in their head, the toy is gone. I don't know if that's true, but I do know the general philosophy I mentioned above has been awesome in my household.

Hi K.,

So far I only have one son, so I don't know the sibling interactions firsthand yet. However, I taught preschool before my son was born, and I am actually reading an excellent parenting book right now that has a whole section about sibling interactions. And the advice that the book gives, that also worked when dealing with kids in my preschool setting, was to really focus on the positive. Yes, you have to address and deal with the struggles, but stop making them your main focus.

Really start to notice, and then sincerely acknowledge each of your sons when they do something kind for the other. The book also suggested building this into your bedtime ritual. When you are putting each one down at night, and do your book, or talk, or whatever your particular routine is, make sure that you again reinforce something that each child did that was kind and loving to his brother. What I found when I applied this in tricky relationships between my preschool kids, is slowly the "problem" behaviors would just die away. After all, it is not so much eliminating that particular problem as beginning to help your sons cultivate a great relationship...Good luck!

i grew up with two older brothers. my experience is that they always fought no matter what my mom did. this might be something you'll have to always deal with. idea to help: make them sing church songs until they decide to be nice to each other.

I have the same problems but with daughters. Mine are 4 years apart now 12 and 8. I was so excited to give my oldest a sibling that I conveniently overlooked a lot of difficulties that their age span would present. I guess I assumed they would love to play together because I am very close with my siblings. I am also close in age to my siblings. Your oldest learned to play on his own during those five years and doesn't need the commraderie as much as we would expect. Also they are in two completely different stages of developement and they don't really play the same way. When I actually obseved mine playing together more often than not the oldest was playing and the little one was doing whatever she told her to do! I have decided to lower my expectations as far as how much they play together and encourage the little to play on her own more often instead of relying on the older one to entertain her. Of course when they have times they are getting along great and enjoying each others company I give a huge cheer inside and give them as much time to play as I can while it lasts. I am not saying it's OK for them to fight but it is OK and even normal that they aren't the playmates I envisioned. One huge thing that I wish I had done that you seem to bo handling is the sharing of property better. I wasn't that good about letting my oldest have things she didn't have to share and time to play on her own when they were younger and now they both are a little greedy and hoardy about their stuff and their rooms. I wish I had taken more care to make sure that my oldest had some more space and alone play time. Maybe she wouldn't place so much "value" on it now.

This is normal. With a little coaching and modeling from you, I would let them work it out themselves. Perhaps make each bedroom off limits to the other sibling. Then provide a space where they can play together. Whenever they play together well, praise them. Whenever they fight, tell them that it makes you sad. Have toys available that are age appropriate for both boys and that encourages them to play together.

My kids' behavior totally changed and they stopped fighting when I did three things: eliminated color dyes from their diet(color dyes tend to aggravate behavior issues), added fish or flax oil to their diets and read and applied the principles from the book Siblings without Rivalry. I can't believe the changes!!

Good luck,
KathyLoidolt
Author, Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living

Do they each have seperate activities they are involved in? Your four year old needs a seperate identity from his brother. Play on their stengths. Get your four year old involved in soccer or baseball so he can have friends in his age group. Or you might try tiger cubs- Boy Scouts for little ones. Something for your little one to look forward to.
C. B

K., Kids always want something someone else has. It's just the way they are. Kids must learn possesion before they can learn to share. First, each child need to learn respect for other's toys. Parents cannot intrude on this rule. If a child wants something that is the other childs, they must ask the owner. Second another rule that must not be deivated from in any way shape or form. We don't take anything out of anyone's hands ever! Ninty percent of all physical encounters result when one takes something away from someone else. Teach them to ask not take. Teach them how to ask. They can say: Tommy, can I play with that when you are done? Teach Johnny to say, Sure, when I am done I will give it to you. Teach them this pattern early!!! Third-Children want attention from their parents and it seems to be a subconscience contest between siblings. If you were not there and didn't really witness the dispute, you need to remain nutral and not take sides with either. Take yourself completely out of the situation emotionally believing neither of them and follow through with what ever disiplin you have established. Example: Johnny is screaming at Tommy. Don't ask them why they were fighting or they learn that there are some reasons it's okay to fight. Simply tell them it is not acceptable to fight. Put them both on time out for the same amount of time. If you will always do this when they have disputes, your love and attention will never be a pay off for the undesired actions.

My son & Daughter did the same thing. I got tired of being the ref. If they were fighting I would give them 3 minutes to work out a solution on there own, If they couldn't resolve it in that time them they were both punished. (either a time out or sent to there rooms to cool off) It seemed to work after sticking with the plan for several weeks of not letting them suck me into their conflicts. They got along better and although they never really got along that well until they became teenagers....they're now best friends.

hang in there,

J.

5 years is a bit of space to expect too much peace as this age. I have a sister who is 6 years younger, and though we played every once in a while, we didn't become best friends until we were both married. I also have a sister 6 years older than I and she treated me like dirt as a kid. It has taken me years to consider her my friend. But thanks to her, I learned how to treat my younger sister nicely.
As for my own kids...I have two girls that are 3 years apart at 11 & 8. We also separated them as they are day and night from each other. My 8 year old is also about the same size, so the attitude I get from my 11 year old is "well she doesn't have to do it, so neither do I" or my 8 year old says "well she gets to do it so, so can I" But I also have a 4 year old boy. And my 4 year old gets into everything!!!! I'm still missing half my make-up and I'm pretty sure I know the offender! We are thinking about putting locks on the doors, with keys on the outside (taped to the wall or something) that are high enough that he can't reach them, and by the time he has figured it out...it takes me that long to realize he is missing! Our rule for toys is if it is personal keep it in your room and you don't have to share. If they start to fight over minor things, then I suggest that maybe they are playing with other friends too much and need to focus on their personal relationship with each other. I find that the more they play with neighbor friends the more they fight with each other. And when they are watching TV and getting into each others space, I tell them they have to stay on their "square" or cushion and not touch each other or the TV goes off. Though I do like the comment about if there is no blood than take it to another room and resolve it yourself attitude, but I find my kids need help in communicating. So I will bring them together face to face and once I know the problem, I give them the words that they should be using. I will tell each person what to say to the other and make them repeat what I say. I seem to do this a lot, but every once in a while, I find them resolving the problems using the tips I gave them a few days prior! So I know it helps.

Good luck, it is very difficult and saps the energy when they fight!