My older daughter is 2 years 8 months and I have a younger daughter, who is 14.5 months. They are 17 months apart. I can see that my elder daughter loves her sis and they both really do not have any jealousy issues (not yet, I suppose!).
My elder daughter is quite a docile, easy-going child who is reserved with others and never fights back when her friends snatch toys from her, etc... But she can sometimes get very rough with her sister, shoving her to "go away!" and throwing things at her/ smacking/pushing/etc her sis, head butting and so on. Her sis is no wuss and packs a pretty good retaliation, too... it stresses me out so much when they bicker/cry/bite each other, etc, as I would love for them to get along (as all parents would want!)
So, I am just asking for some reassurance from Moms who have gone through this phase that it's normal, and that your kids used to fight and they got out of the phase, and are friends? In other words, just tell me that it doesn't mean that if I have a tot that fights that I am raising a violent, uncaring child, and that my kids will not get along??
And when does this usually get better?
And how did you best deal with it?
Thanks!! :)
N.,
The book Siblings Without Rivalry is worth a read. You should be able to get a copy from the library or used on Amazon
Good luck!
In addition to all the other responses:
You NEED to also teach your kids, HOW to say "I want to be alone..." or "I want to play by myself...." to you. Or to the other sibling.
AND it NEEDS TO BE respected.
Because, siblings do NOT always have to play or be, together.
Kids need a break, from each other too. It is normal. AND needed.
They don't always have to be in each others face or sharing everything, all the time.
Also teach them how to say "That's special to me, no you cannot play with that..." and they can put it away or keep it aside.
Siblings, do not have to, share EVERYTHING.
Boundaries.
Teach them that.
AND teach them, that IF they tell you these things, that it is okay. They are not being "bad." They need to know they CAN express, their dissatisfaction too, or their frustrations. TO, you. And you have to help them. They are young.
Also teach them coping skills, for frustrations. Along with how to express that to you. The words or sentences for it.
Even teach them HOW to say "I'm tired, I need a break...." from each other or whatever they are doing.
Kids need to learn, how to say it. By your teaching them.
This is all, learning self-management, from you.
And how to express it, to you. And to each other.
And it can alleviate, a lot of frustrations, between siblings.
And no, not all siblings will be close or be friends.
But you need to teach them, how to manage. How to tell you things, that are bothering them.
My kids are 4 years apart, and with my eldest, I EXPLAINED to her, about how her younger sibling was and was developing per his age. So that, she understood. Because, age differences and age related phases and development, ARE very different.
It is also about your "expectations" of them.
If you expect them to be constant "buddies" and best friends... then you, will be disappointed. Because, sibling are not always rainbows and daisies. AND you NEED to, consider their age differences. Because, they are NOT, the same.
Kids these ages, do not even have, fully developed emotions yet.
Kids these ages, do not even have, fully developed impulse-control yet.
Kids these ages, do not even have fully developed social skills yet.
Kids these ages, do not even have full understanding of the nuances of 'relationships.'
Kids these ages, do not even have fully developed coping skills.
Kids these ages, do not even have fully developed vocabulary yet.
Kids these ages, do not even have fully developed deductive or inductive logic and reasoning yet.
Kids these ages do not have, coping skills yet. Not even some adults have that.
So, you have to teach them.
It is learned.
You NEED to learn their cues, and their tolerances for things.
If one kid is getting fed up, for example, you need to step in.
You need to teach skills to the kids and how to express themselves. And keep expectations age appropriate.
And at some point, if they are getting tired of each other, then let them be and play, by themselves. And that they can tell you, this. Too.
It gets better with some.
With others it doesn't.
My younger sister and I (22 months apart) never got along.
To this day (I'm 51) we still can't stand each other.
My scalp is permanently desensitized from all the hair pulling I lived through.
Some siblings are just not compatible.
The going theory at the time was to let the kids solve their problems themselves. and our Mom followed it.
It was the biggest crock of manure to come out of any parenting book.
Sometimes the only way to keep a sibling from kicking your bike is to knock them down and sit on them.
As teens, when my sister would not respect my privacy and I found her cup of water in my room next to my make-up on my dresser (she to this DAY leaves cups around her house on all surfaces) - I went and tossed her water into her face as she was taking a nap.
Yep - that sure caused a brawl - but I still wanted a pad lock on my room - that brat would pick the lock on my door.
I never bothered her stuff.
When the bickering starts up, put them in separate corners.
One can play in the play pen while the other is out - then switch them.
Don't force them to be together all the time.
They don't have to like each other, but they do have to be civil as they would be with any other stranger.
Good luck.
I hope they grow out of it.
But be prepared just in case they don't.
It gets better, BUT only if you do your job.
It's your job to teach them how to interact with one another and other people. Hitting, shoving and biting is unacceptable and they should be separated and immediately removed from the situation each and every time.
Yes, this is normal and they will change IF you teach them how to manage their feelings. First, I would keep them separated much of the time. They are fighting with each other over space. Give them the space they need at this age.
They both lack skills to manage their space and belongings. The younger one isn't mature enough to even be able to play with another child, let alone one that is older. Children her age parallel play meaning that they do play in the same area but a part from each other. They don't play together.
The older one doesn't want to play with the younger one because she is immature and doesn't know how to play with her. She is also young enough that she may still be some in the parallel play space. Kids this age need to be constantly supervised if they're trying to play in the same space.
I suggest that you put them in separate parts of the same room with their own toys.
When they are together and begin to fight, intervene. Take away the toy that gets thrown. Sympathize with the one who is hurt. Calmly talk to the one who threw the toy or who hit the other one and show how to be gentle. When the older one shoves the younger one to go away, know that it's time to separate them. Remind, the older one, in a calm and sympathetic voice to use her words. Tell her to come get you if she's annoyed by her little sister.
You manage their time together and mostly keep them apart until they're older and have learned skills to get along. There will be a time that they can get along for long periods of time but now isn't that time.
If you continue to leave them together to bicker and fight you will be setting up a pattern that will be difficult to break.
I can't speak from my mothering experience (we have a singleton) but when I was a nanny, this was fairly common. Some things I did to help the little ones:
1. I never left them alone together unsupervised. Usually I brought one or the other along with me to be a 'helper'... even if it was 'helping' with extremely simple stuff.
2.I did a lot of modeling for both of them. When the younger child was starting to get into what the older child was doing, I would be their 'voice' and 'ask' for that child "May I play with X" (whatever they were grabbing for)... having the opportunity to say 'no' to having a younger sibling take what the older child was playing with helps improve their relationship. I'd then offer a distraction toy or activity to the younger child.
3. Creating space. Older siblings hated when their younger brother or sister was in their play space. Remember that, in the their twos, kids are more comfortable with parallel play, so I would often offer to use a gate to separate play spaces; I would also offer the older child the table as a space to work on their own. Another option is to use the porta-crib/pack-n-play as a space for your older child to use toys with small pieces while still being close to you. I had good results with this.
It usually gets better if/when the younger child can become more acquiescent to the older child 'leading the play', when the younger child is about 3 or 4 years old. Remember that your older child didn't have to deal with sharing you or having anyone in her space. Being present really helps, and make sure to get some one-on-one time with both kids. I've seen feuding little ones become very close as they got older, with some adult support. good luck!
ETA: oh, and once again, everything that Marda said. Way to go, Marda!
Teach your kids to say "Please leave me alone"or something like that.It gets better when you do something about it!
-K.
My boys first 2 boys 20 months apart are just now at the 'friend' stage at 5 yrs and almost 4 yrs. They still have their moments, but really it was as soon as my 3 year old was able to 'verbalize' his needs.
My oldest is overly sensitive, and very touchy feely. My 2nd is a brute and hated to be touched, and was a biter too. This made for very very long days,,,,but I am here to assure you it does get better.
Are they friends, eh, I don't know, but they can now play a whole afternoon together with minimal fighting--yay ;)
What Marda said. It's just a constant thing of teaching. Most of the time they turn out to be friends. If you keep reinforcing the specialness of that relationship and the ways you can celebrate each other, there will be a time when they appreciate each other.
Ditto everything Marda said, take control of the situation now and teach them.
1 year and 2 year olds do not have social skills.. they bite.. they fight.. they throw things..
IN time.. they will learn to get along better.. or at least learn the basic rules of social interactions.. keep working on it and in time it will get better.. my kids are 18 months apart and those early years were rough.. now they are 6 and 7 and it is a breeze.. well it is easier than it was back then.
They're sisters. Get used to it :)
You can't *make* them get along. All you can do is teach them to be respectful of each other (and all people) and kind. Will they be friends? Who knows. Only time will tell and you can't force it. Forcing them to be friends will only make things worse.
