Everyone Said This Would Happen

I A. about to be in the same boat as you. I have a 2 year old son and an infant that will be crawling in a few months. I'm looking forward to seeing the responses you get to this question.

What I do is tell my older son that he cannot take a toy from the baby unless he gives her another one. At this age, babies are so easily distracted that it is not yet necessary for them to keep a specific toy to be happy. I've heard that this trading method is also a halfway step to learning about sharing (a lot of parents try to enforce sharing way too early developmentally). And in this trading process, your toddler is getting into the habit of giving too.

I've also heard that you need to name certain specific toys as belonging to the older child -- the ones he holds most dear -- and then say that all of the other toys are community. That way the older one gets to hold on to something that is "his", while letting other toys go.

Sometimes I ask my toddler to bring a toy for the baby when she needs one and I praise him for being such a great older brother and tell him how thankful and appreciative baby is that he gave it to her.

"Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber is my fav sibling book. Any of her books are incredible. ... and patience. I hear that the squabbling and competing continues throughout childhood and into adulthood! ;-)

Mine are just over 2 years apart, so of course we had this as well.

I think anyone with more than one kid would benefit greatly from the book "Siblings without Rivalry." It was wonderful in establishing my perspective.

This is a perfect time for your kids to learn the social rules on each other - which is one of the benefits of having siblings. You can establish the rules and consequences and then anything outside that they can handle.

Rule 1: We don't take anything out of someone's hand.
Rule 2: If the something is dangerous (you're afraid the baby will choke on it) you tell mom or dad right away.
Rule 3: You can trade for a toy if the other party agrees (working on negotiation strategies). Agreeing means the exchange happens willingly without yelling.
Rule 4: Every toy in the house belongs to our home. They are available for anyone who is in our home to use.

My oldest daughter had what we called 'the choking hazard box.' We put all small toys in this box. She could play with the contents of the box at the kitchen table where the baby couldn't reach them. Later it became her special box that she played with when her sister naps.

Good luck!

Hi,
I have 2 boys (14 1/2 months apart - 2 and 3 years old) and I have learned that it is important to have a good selection of their favorite toys in doubles. And I don't mean buy them each a car, I mean buy them each the EXACT SAME car. Another thing I used to do is I'd put the older one in the high chair to play sometimes so the little one couldn't get him, that way he could do a special big boy project (play doh or coloring or whatever) with no fighting. Another thing to try is setting a timer for 5 minuts and then the toy goes to the other kid for 5 min. I don't actually set a timer most of the time, but my younger one actually says "your turn now" and hands it back to his brother. Don't get me wrong though, there is still a lot of arguing over toys. Now that they are closer in size I'll sometimes just let them figure it out themselvs, but usually I still have to intervene. Yours are a little further apart, but by the time the second one starts walking I bet they will start playing together better also. Until then ... Good luck!

My boys are 22 months apart and when they were 1 and 3 we had separate play rooms, there was no fighting and I felt more comfortable with my youngest playing with appropriate and safe toys. Often we would all play together in the 1 year olds play room and enjoyed that very much, and my 3 year old could play with a friend separate from his brother. This only lasted until my youngest wasn't putting everything in his mouth, and then they played nicely together (for the most part) I don't know if this was the best thing to do but my boys have done well with each other and today at ages 12 and 14 are very good friends. It certainly kept our home peaceful and I really think they learned to appreciate each other.

I have two that are 17 months apart. My now 3 year old quickly learned that if he wanted to play with a toy without his sister bothering him or taking it that he needed to get up at a level that she couldn't get to. He uses the kitchen table a lot - it looks like a racetrack right now with all of his "CARS" cars. He also started using the couches, which works for a while. Be sure to give your older toddler ideas of where he can go to play undisturbed.

Don't stress, and please don't separate them. My boys are 20 months apart. I would watch to make sure no hitting or biting, but other then that I have always told them to work it out together. And now, and only 3 and 5, they are really good at compromising. They still fight, but most of the time they can figure out on their own how to resolve the fight, with just a little guidance from me. If they can not work it out or take turns, I take the toy from both of them and they have to find something else to do.

Its not my own experience, but a lot of what i've read suggests that the thing to do is make sure the older child doesn't feel displaced by the younger. One way to do this is to enlist the older child's help when possible -emphasizing his special role. Also reserving time for him alone is important. Perhaps he can have his own space that is only his, and he can choose some toys that belong only to him that stay in his space?

Something strong DIScouraged is blaming one child or the other for issues. Studies show that both children usually contribute, even when one appears to be the victim all the time. Younger siblings are masters at manipulating older ones into trouble. Instead of saying 'You have to be nice to your younger brother', try to enlist help instead, 'Hey, older brother, how do you think we can keep your special toys safe, and your special brother safe, at the same time? Any ideas?'

I have boys ages 2 & 4 and yes, it is just the beginning. We tried a couple of different approaches. My husband was "the coach & mediator" and I was the "beggar". Both became ridiculous and ineffective. Our rules now are simple and very effective:
1. It is your turn when he is done (my DH would try to "time manage"...not effective at all).
2. If the toy is not in someone's hand it is "available".
3. No taking toys out of someone's hand.
4. All toys are for sharing or they belong to both kids. (this alleviates the word "mine")
5. If there is too much fighting over one toy that toy goes on a time out for the afternoon.
that's it. Although the fighting will make you crazy, the joy of watching them play and pretend together is just magical. The fun they have together now is great! Good luck:)
Ann

My two are 23 months apart. What I did was to encourage their interaction from day one. It's hard to teach a 2 year old to share, but just keep reinforcing the good behavior when it happens and try to not make too big a deal when it doesn't. The 2 1/2 year old needs to feel that some toys are just his so make sure you let him pick a few things he doesn't have to share and then explain that everything else if for both of them to use. Same goes for the younger one when he is old enough to care about his toys. They will fight. it's what kids do, but my two generally get a long and play nice together. When they fight over something. I give them the choice of working out a way to share or the toy just goes away for a while. My two kids are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 now so we've been working on it for a while, but it seems to work most days. Good luck!

We have a boy and a girl but the fights are the same. Celena saying to get the EXACT same toy is right on. We do that still and they are 5 and 7. We also put their initial on it somewhere. The first born is the only child who has to learn to share and that can be a tough lesson. He shouldn't have to learn to share everything though so boundaries need to be set. And like another person said sometimes he can just swap a toy out, kids under 1 just want to have something for a bit and then they move on. I would love to tell you it gets better as they get older but it just gets different. One thing I can say is that they become each others best buds and playmates though.

We have "special spots" in our house... a shelf or top of dresser, etc. in their bedroom that is off limits to everyone else. So, if the kids don't want something played with or touched, they know it is to be put in that location and the others know not to bother it.
I realize your kiddos are a bit young to grasp this, but you could start a little more simple... maybe redesign the place the toys are kept a little to add some simple shelves or play bins that are out of reach of the baby but within the toddlers reach, and begin teaching the toddler that things that are unsafe for the baby or that he doesn't want the baby to play with, need to be kept up higher.

Someone gave me some great advise to discourage sibling rivalry from the beginning: with your toddler within earshot, say to your baby, "Just a minute, I'm helping your brother." You can do this even when your nine month old really doesn't need you at all, just make sure that the older child hears that he is the important one! Also, maybe you've already done this, but teach your toddler how to switch toys with the baby in a fun and gentle way. Practice with him and make it a funny game that the baby usually doesn't care which toy he has. Best of luck! S.