Sibling Rivalry - Rancho Santa Margarita,CA

What always worked well for my two little ones is that if they start playing too rough or just bothering each other too much, they are separated. I tell them, "If you can't play nicely together, then you can't play together at all." It's not a time out, they just can't play together for a set amount of time. (@ 10 min) My kids HATE being separated! They immediately start begging to be together and once they are reunited it's peaceful play for the rest of the day.

Works like a charm! Good luck!!

I think it's most likely typical that your oldest is rough with the baby. He doesn't understand. My granddaughter was 3 when her baby brother was born and she had difficulty at first. We just kept repeating "gentle" while we demonstrated how to be gentle, by gently patting his bum or stroking his hair. And then doing the same to her. It wasn't too long before she caught on.

I suggest that boys are more rough and tumble happens, in part, because we expect them to be. My granddaughter is a rough and tumble kid in much the same way as boys. She can hold her own with her little brother.

On the other hand, my grandson, this baby boy, is now 7 and is still having difficulty being gentle. He runs at me, so excited to see me, even tho it's just been a few hours, that he nearly knocks me over. Even when I remind him to slow down as he's running. He slows some but if I weren't prepared for the onslaught, over I'd go. lol

He has sensory processing issues. He, himself, doesn't feel gentle touch so, I'm guessing, he doesn't understand what gentle touch is. Is your son rough with you and his Dad? If so, I suggest you consider this possibility.

My other suggestion is that he does need time away from the baby. Could you put the baby in one room, perhaps blocked off by a gate so that your son can play in a different area and not be tempted to rough house, some of the time?

I suggest that "punishment" with time outs will not work because he's lacking an understanding and a skill. I would focus on teaching him how to be gentle. You may need to devote several hours a couple of days to consistently intervene with a lesson on being gentle but, unless he has a sensory issue, he'll learn and remember most of the time.

I didn't have much of a problem with the rough factor with my two. My son is almost exactly 3 yrs older than our daughter. And he has always been very kind to her, generally speaking. He "got it" pretty quickly.

As far as sibling rivalry, we DO have that. lol
They get along fantastically the majority of the time (not ALL the time by any means, haha), over 50%. :) When they are NOT getting along, they mostly are just argumentative- not physical. What I do, is separate them. Honestly, when they are arguing it is almost solely as a way (intentional or not) to get my attention and make me choose "sides". Well, that is what kids do. They want to be the best in their parents' eyes. So I try not to let them put me in that situation. I send them off to their separate rooms. I tell them that if they can't settle it between themselves (at which point they either apologize to each other on their own or they go right back at it with "but she said..." and " but he told me..." blah blah blah blah) then I will separate them. That I am not getting into the middle of it, but that I am not going to listen to them argue about it either. Usually they pipe down. If not, they ARE sent to separate places.. and usually within 10 minutes one of them is approaching the other (whispering across the hall or something) "do you wanna be friends again?"... :)

Just remember that when they are arguing, 9 times out of 10 it is so that YOU have to step in and pick one of them (one winner, one loser, so to speak). Don't let them manipulate you that way. They can work it out. If they can't, you can separate them and they can't continue whatever it was, but you don't have to "pick" either. :) That's what works at our house.

Yes, there are times that it seems that one of them is the one starting things more often than the other... but it usually evens out.

My stepsons are only a year and a month apart in age (now 16 and 17) and it seems like when they were younger, they were constantly arguing and bickering and butting heads over everything imaginable - so much of it was petty and ridiculous, but to them it was as if the fate of the universe depended on each one of them being proven right and the other wrong. We only had them on weekends and their dad would discipline them by just telling them to stop, or separating them for a short period of time.

The one day their mom and I were talking and she started talking about them and making comparisons right in front of them - as if they were not in the room and not able to hear, but of course they could hear every bit of it. Nothing bad, of course, but just a lot of, "Oh, he is more athletic and his brother is more artistic..." etc. The boys had different personalities as it was and I wondered if their mom was actually making it worse without realizing it (she would also bash their dad's mother in front of them too, and then tell me that they never seemed comfortable around her - gee, I wonder why!) It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it wasn't the first time, or the last - she would do it all the time. Throw in having to always share a room, and always having to do things together, and the sibling rivalry was in full swing. Plus, the older one was expected to always be nice and understanding toward his "baby" brother (even though he was only a year younger) even when the younger one was often a pest.

I learned later than making comparisons between siblings is one of the worst things you can do, especially when they are aware of it. There is a difference between treating them like individuals and constantly pointing out how they are different. It was like their differences were emphasized, and yet they were still expected to get along sharing a bedroom, be each other's best friend, etc. So if I had to give any advice, it would be to respect them as individuals, don't expect the younger one to be a carbon copy of his brother and don't expect the older one to "set an example" - don't cast them in "roles". Give them each their own space. And keep the comparisons to yourself - it is a natural thing to do, but don't let them in on it.

Our son had a difficult time accepting his brother (he was almost two when #2 was born). I had to be in the hospital for the birth and recovery, which was the first time I was away from him. The fact that his brother was a high needs baby didn't make the jealousy any easier. For about 15 months every day my son told me he didn't want a brother, in one way or another. Sometimes, it was so awful I to hear this little person I love with all my heart spill out venom about another little person I love with all my heart! I wanted him to be able to express himself, so we didn't squelch his feelings, however eventually we just had to put an end to him talking about it in front of his brother because it was clear that his brother understood what was being said. So I would take him into his room and let him talk and let him know he was heard. He also could not be left in the same room for even a minute with his brother- his roughness was not playful in any way. There are times, however, when an incident occurred before I could catch it, and the one thing that really helped was to shower all my positive care and attention on the hurt one- not negative attention on the older son. It worked amazingly well- because no attention is worse than negative attention, it seemed. After 15 months, it seemed to just get better all of a sudden. I can't tell you why. It was a long road for us. I am sure yours will be over it sooner! Best of luck!

I have 2 girls, 3 years apart. My older one really enjoyed being a big sister. I think it made her feel important. Very first thing, I gave her the job of singing to the baby whenever she cried (it actually worked pretty well!) and I let her pick out baby's clothes and other little things like that. She really enjoyed being a "teacher" and showing the baby new things and how to do stuff. Now they are 5 and 8 and they fight a lot more, but they still are good friends and can play together for long stretches of time.

Don't really have a suggestion... just wondered if you had seen the movie "Babies." It's a documentary about 4 different babies in four different parts of the world. There is a sibling rivalry scene that you would relate to and possibly just knowing that it occurs the world over be a comfort. It's a fun, sweet film.

http://www.focusfeatures.com/babies

My kids are 4 years apart.
I have a boy and girl.

What I did and do... with my Eldest (the girl)... is I simply explain to her, in ways she will understand... about Baby development.
I tell her... baby cannot do what she does... not yet. Babies cry/feed/sleep/wake at night. They don't know what she knows... they are only learning and do NOT understand everything yet etc. At each age juncture... I explained to my Eldest about "why" "how come" her younger brother acts as he does. He is YOUNGER... he does not know how to do things... he is not coordinated like her, he is a baby. They are not toys... you need to be gently with them etc.
I explained it to her in a way that SHE felt "privy" to the information... that she was 'older' and 'special'... and so, she is LUCKY etc.

Her little brother is now 4 years old... and still, I explain child development to her... so she 'understands' and builds 'empathy' for her little brother and his age related stages/phases. She understands. Because we explain it to her.

I also tell her that she is not an 'example' for her little brother nor do I expect her to be, she does not have to share everything, her things are special and she can tell me, she is a child herself and just because she is the 'oldest' that does not mean I EXPECT her to be flawless. She is still just herself.

I emphasize that they have each other, we are family... that means looking out for each other... that is what a brother and sister are.... and she can 'teach' her brother things too... and show him what she knows. My daughter LOVES "teaching" her brother things. She understands if he is reflecting his age. They are 2 peas in a pod.
We don't scold or punish her any different just because she is the Eldest... that is not a 'default' reason, just being older. She didn't ask to be older. But that it takes TWO to start an irritation and two to STOP it... too. Not ONLY her all the time getting reprimanded just because she is the Eldest. Fairness.

For us, as a result... our kids get along, well. We don't compare them etc. But each one is different... so we handle each one, per their personality and what works or not, per child.

And yes, boys are VERY physical... and active. My son plays rough with our daughter. She gets bonked around a lot sometimes. So we teach him about being a "gentleman" and not hitting his sister... to 'care' about her too.... and if he mistakenly does bonk her too hard... then we speak to him and they both talk to each other and say sorry and hug etc.
If my son, mistakenly is too rough... we 'allow' him to express what was going on... and he'll often say he TRIED to be gentle and "tried his best...." and we know he was sincere. So that is good.... learning HOW to 'express' themselves... and their transgressions, too.
We encourage our kids to "try their best...." and to protect each other... to be loving. They do, understand. They will even tell each other "I love you... I"m sorry.... " even if mad.

It is about teaching the child as well, about how to navigate themselves and how to make a 'mistake' or transgression better.... cooperatively.

all the best,
Susan

My children were 2 yeaars apart if they became to rough with their siblings a would always saygently ,gently raised 4 and now have7 grandchiilren they love each other and help eachother A. no hills

My children were 2 yeaars apart if they became to rough with their siblings a would always saygently ,gently raised 4 and now have7 grandchiilren they love each other and help eachother A. no hills

My children were 2 yeaars apart if they became to rough with their siblings a would always saygently ,gently raised 4 and now have7 grandchiilren they love each other and help eachother A. no hills