Feedback, Advice for Moms of Boys

I loved the book "Siblings without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish (sp?). They also have another great book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk."

I have two sons who are grown. Sibling rivalry is common and it is where we get to learn skills that will help us deal with other people later in life. I use to try and referree and get in the middle of things. Didn't work out so good. They learned to rely on me instead of how to handle things themselves. I was tired and frustrated and they grew babyish. When I began to let them deal with their own disagreements it went better. If they called me to come take sides I would tell them to call me only if someone is bleeding. It worked. They are close to this day and currently having some issues...it is hard not to take sides, but they need to work it out. Let us know how it goes.

Boys do fight. The important thing is that you do not take sides. This went on with my grandsons until they had a baby sister, then they changed and became these wonderful kids.

Now I am not telling you to have another child!

What I use to do when I was baby sitting was to come between them and tell them I could not allow them to hurt one another because I loved both of them. That is was my job to keep them safe. And that is true of you.

Another thing I did to stop the fighting (which was not a lot) between my son and daughter was to get between them, sit them down at a table, and have them communicate with each other. I told them that God gave them a voice and words and their gift from God was to use them to talk with each other.

1st I flipped a coin to see who would go first. That child was taught how to tell the other person what was bothering them without blaming the other. The 2nd child's job was to just listen. Then they switched. Then they had to brain storm solutions which I wrote down until they got older when they could write. Then read them off and they chose the best solution.

After they learned the process and worked it for a while, I would send them into their bedroom to talk and not come out until they solved their "problem." It worked.

As adults they are really good friends and there for each other.

You can find the process in Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training Program. They have a wonderful DVD program for familys. You can only get it thru them. Here is the information: http://www.gordontraining.com/store/index.php?category_id=2

A lot of people think that the book is good, but it was designed to not stand alone. It was used when PET was taught in homes by local instructors. I know because I was one of those teachers. I highly recommend the whole program.

Good Luck,
M.
www.spiritual-ethical-will.com

I have three boys (9, almost 7 and 4) and a 2 year old daughter. We live with three basic mantras when it comes to fighting and arguing.

1) I am not a referee. You have two minutes to figure it out for yourselves or you will get jobs to do.

2) If you have enough energy to argue / fight / bicker / whine / complain / throw a fit (pick your offense) you have enough energy to work. And then they get a list of jobs to do. (Are you seeing a pattern here?)

3) If you are going to play rough, you have to expect that someone is going to get hurt. If you don't want to be the one to get hurt, don't play rough.

Seriously, the only thing that works for me is making THEM work when they act this way. I don't let them work on a job together either, because that generally translates into more arguing. They each get separate jobs ... and if I feel like one is more at fault or instigating, I give him one of the less popular jobs.

All of these extra jobs are jobs above and beyond their normal chores. I keep a list of things I'd like to have done, writing them down as I think about them, and pull it out when the boys need a job to do. One side benefit to this -- if my oldest wants to do something or go somewhere special, he's figured out that if he finds my list and does a few jobs off of it without being asked, he's more likely to get what he wants. :) Works for me!

Good luck!

I have three boys 11,5, and 1. My oldest two are always fighting about something. who gonna hold the baby, take a shower first..etc What i start doing is instead of me getting in the middle and allways working my self up because I'm trying to help them realize that they need each other. I just sit back listen to the arguements and fighting and step in when needed. It does kind of work out better that way.

I completely agree with Marian!

When I experienced my kids (I had girls) fighting, they both would get spanked and every toy, every enjoyable activity would be taken away for 2 weeks. They would also not be allowed to have friends over, or play time. They had to read, they had to show each other some type of love or act of kindness everyday. I made them do extra homework (which I made up), they each had to learn a new word from the dictionary, its meaning and use in a sentence for the duration of their punishment. When they said their prayers each night they had to pray for each other, for God to protect them. I guarantee you if you stick to the 2 week punishment, you will not have this problem much longer. Each time they fight, start the punishment over again. My daughters are adults now and they are I am proud to say "best friends". I was also a wife, and full time worker. It took some work on my part too, but the end result is priceless!

I'm all for a combination of Madeline and Tracy's advice! Those were great. I have a sister who is 17 months younger than I am. We spent the majority of our lives sharing a bedroom and WOW, were there some fights!

My Mom never hit us and she had two things that REALLY got to us and kept us in line.

1) Fighting, bickering, whatever was met with the dreaded "Chore List". Like Tracy said, if we couldn't figure out how to play nicely, then play time was over. Just the threat of it would snap us back into shape.

2) We used to have to write 25, 50, 100, even 1000 times. I had to do the 1000 once and I thought I would die. I had to write "My sister is my first friend." If the threat of chores didn't work the threat of "writing" absolutely did. It was torture!

Now, at almost 35 and 33 years old my sister and I are best friends. We had our issues and we still do once in awhile, but I can't imagine my life without her and the awesome relationship I have with her (and my other sister and brother) is a big part of the reason I wanted a second child.

Hope you can get some good ideas!

T.

If you get any really good responses- forward them to me. I have a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old boy and our house is a constant battleground!

I only have one boy but my sister has two girls that are only about 15 months apart in age. They fight all the time. I think part of the problem is they are so different. When they were a little younger they would fist fight. My older sister and I could never under stand this but I think it is just part of growing up for boys and in my nieces case girls.
I think the only time I would really be concerned is if the fighting started with their friends or outside the home.

Just a Thought

Hate to tell you it is not because they are boys, it's because they are siblings! My 2 girls were always fighting. I started having them stay in their bedroom until they could work things out. They usually ended up playing together and forgot they were upset with each other. It took awhile, but now they are great friends!

M.,
I had a bunch of boys and one girl. When my boys were younger and they would fight I'd make them hold hands and tell eachother 3 to 10 things the liked about eachother.Depending on the severity of the fight. Watch how quickly anger turns to laughter. When they are older they will look out for one another. Hang in there!

I have two boys, ages 5 and 2 1/2. My boys constantly fight and cannot be left alone for more than 5 minutes at a time. It’s very frustrating! Some advice I received recently has helped me out. Like Marian said – remove yourself from the equation. Usually what happens in my house is that the older one allows himself to become the victim. He will purposely put himself in a vulnerable position allowing the younger one to step on him, push him, hit him, etc… When that happens he comes screaming/tattling to me that his brother did this/that. I would come to his rescue and put my younger son in a time out giving my older son the attention he was looking for. It became a circle of behavior I didn’t recognize on my own or know how to stop. My old son wasn’t going to change because he was getting the attention, the toy, etc… We had a triangle effect going– my younger son was the bully, my older son was the victim and Mom the rescuer! All I did all day long was referee, put boys in time outs, and listen to the screaming. This gets very tiring. So now what I do (or try to do) is tell them to work it out. If they cannot work things out they both go in time outs regardless of who initiated the fighting. This only works when they are fighting over a toy/game. I still need to keep a close eye on my 2 ½ yr old since he is at that age of mine/mine/mine but when it’s truly the triangle effect I don’t get involved, they both go into a time out. Believe it or not the behavior has improved. The little things don’t turn into full blow battles and they are actually able to play together longer. It’s still a work in progress but the screaming has subsided. Now I still have the extreme sibling rivalry going on so it’s small steps. When I hear them in the other room working things out on their own – I feel like I am doing something right! So good luck! It is nice to hear that other Moms have this same struggle!