Sex Life Normal?

Hi M., you are not alone, I'm not an initiater either, and it used to bother my husband, becasue he felt like I was not attracted to him, which was not the case. I think many women feel this way, I made the commit one time what difference does it make who cooks the dinner as long as we all get to eat, he had excepted this about me, and after almost 28 years, were still good together, and i initiate every once in a while, and he has changed his way of looking at things, now he looks at it as though he gets a treat every so often, it's all in the attitude. J.

Try going out on dates now and then. I find that when we go out together or even when the family is on vacation and I''m not dealing with the everyday stresses of work, house, etc. that is when I am more open to sex. I am even more likely to initiate it then rather than when I am at home doing all of the daily things. It is hard to switch from one frame of mind to another. My husband is always switched on, partly because he is so visual when it comes to those things. I need time, touching, kissing throughout the evening to build up and really want it more than just participate.

Hi M.,

There is a great little book called "For women only" by Shaunti Feldman........I highly recommend it. She interviewed many many men to gather her info. She presents it in a way to help us women understand what is most important to a man.

Best wishes

I had to chuckle as I read this. At the moment both our kids are out of the house so we seized this unexpected oppurtunity, much to my honey's (mid afternoon) delight.
Sometimes that what it's about-letting the busy work go for some fun getting busy!! He loved that I brought it up and now has a little grin on his face as he heads back out to his housework.
There are times when I could care less too but I realize what it means to him. It's a way for us to be connected and for him to let go of his day and stresses. I try for every other day. The days when I'm not up for the works, I make sure he's satisfied in other ways. Sex is the main way men show their love for us. And it does feel so good. Why not have fun together and forget about the hard day in each others arms. Sex is a big part of marriage and without it, the marriage can crumble and you become more like roommates.
Another trick is to wake up about 20 minutes early in the AM. The energy is flowing and its a great way to start the day. This helps since after a long day, sex can be the farthest from my mind. Sex doesn't always have to be a big event-hop in the shower together, rub his back, things like that. Turn a video on for the kids and lock your door for 15 minutes.
Feelings follow actions. Even though you don't feel like it, once you get into the actions, the feelings of desire will follow. You deserve to feel good too-don't forget.
Now get off the computer and go have some fun!

Hi M.,

with three children, lack of sleep, and just feeling drained, I'm in the same boat as you. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my man, so what I do is to initiate sex about once a week. The reward is incredible because you've made your husband feel loved and cared about (yes, sex is what they need in order to feel loved!).

How wonderful that he has communicated with you. Now go give him what he loves! And so wonderful that is is you he desires!

Take care!

P.S. Think of ways to spice it up and you both will be happy!

Okay, like you and the other respondent, I feel like that too, MANY times. Amongst everything else, this is the last thing I think of!

BUT... be thankful your Hubby DID express himself to you. That is good. He must feel close to you, in order to do that.
For a man, the physical aspect of a relationship is very real...that is how they feel 'connected' to their partner and how they feel 'whole' and how they feel 'loved.' But its normal.

Sometimes, you just have to do it and make it fun. Smile, tell your Hubby you love him (they need reassurance too), and that you 'hear' him and understand. You do not have to make it a huge big deal or put on a whole show and charade about it. Just be yourself. It doesn't have to be some 2 hour moment....I think for a man, anything physical/sexual is fun for them. They just want to feel special and that they make their wife happy. For a man, this is what they equate with making their wife 'happy' too.

For me... sometimes my hubby is at his desk working or studying & busy as usual... the kids are napping, and I'll just say "hey, we're all alone!" (wink)... and then wow, it's exciting because it's the spur of the moment! Then after that... you just see how happy Hubby is, just like a child who won a prize or something. It's so simple, but yet so hard to do sometimes, and well... it's easy to just let it be neglected.

Like anything, it takes effort for some. I think for a lot of couples. They just don't go around advertising it. I give you credit for even asking this question, because it is so personal. Good for you!

Main thing, remember that men... get shy too and they are reticent to initiate anything as well, because they 'see' how their wife is so busy with the kids, and tired, and on and on and on. AND they don't want to be turned down and be told "I have a headache...." blah, blah, blah. But as my Hubby said, if a man and wife don't connect sometimes, they might as well just be room-mates, and 2 ships passing in the night. Then you lose touch with each other. I am actually glad that my Hubby expresses himself to me this way (like your Hubby), because it really shows me how much he cares about me, and loves me still after ALL these years of being together for 12 years. And he only wants me. It brings tears to my eyes. So, even though my libido is not as active as his.... I try and make this happen for him... and me, because it is so beneficial in so many ways, for both of us. And even if initiating it is hard in the beginning... I am always glad after wards. Because we just feel closer, again....amongst all the busy-ness.

All the best,
Susan

M., you are normal! What I've learned: men gauge love based on sex. You can cook, clean, cuddle, etc, etc, etc...but he won't feel loved unless you are initiating SEX. It's just one of those things. My husband and I have had this talk several times as well (BTW-kudos for TALKING about it rather than ignoring it). I am very rarely in the mood since giving birth, and it's been hard on us.

My advice? Initiate sex at least once a week. You won't be in the mood, but it will be SO worth it for your whole family.

When I was little my dad punched the wall in the laundry room and broke the light switch while in an argument with my mom (VERY UNLIKE HIM). This created a vivid memory for me as a child. He recently told my husband it was because he wasn't getting enough sex! Crazy men.

I know life is hectic, but you'll see great results if you give your hubby a little more sexual attention (sorry!). All the best!

I do not know how many years you and your husband have been together, but I would like to share with you the experiance I have garnered over the past 27 years with my husband.
Let me start by saying that most marriages that fail don't do so because of a lack of sex, but rather a lack of INTIMACY! Restore the intamcy and the increased sex drive will oft follow.
Initially my husband and I had very different sexual drives and needs; mine being extremely high and his not so much....but we have always been very much in love and take every opportunity to remind each other how lucky we are.
I could write you a to-do list; never part without kissing goodby, even just touch in passing can bring the sense memories to the surface, hold hands whenever possible; but what works for one couple is laughable to another. Creating your own "relationship rituals" is a more practicle approach.
For myself, I have always felt that sex and sexual expression was something that I did for MY pleasure and bennifit and that my partner got pleasure too was the compliametary bottle of wine with the meal! Because my partner had been starved of intimacy for so many years before I met him, it took him a long time to "warm up", but as the years have passed, that intimate road has taken us to learn to pleasure each other.
Having more sex makes you crave more sex! Although hubby is 60 and I am 53, we have sex about four times more frequently now than we did as newlyweds.

There is a good book called "Do I have to give up me to be loved by you" Very Good. Helps you allot. If you can tell him what you need in order to want to be intimate in bed then you both practice. It's like playing the piano. You practice what you need to do get as good as you want to. Example I told my husband it was important for him to come and kiss me when he got home from work and when he passes by me to reach out and squeeze my hand or rub my shoulder. He knows that when I put my hand out I want a little squeeze. It takes practice. Also another good book is "Five Love Languages" Find out if your spouse's love language is touch, gift giving one on one time ect. Then practice giving it twice a day. M. R.

Fake it. When do you ever regret taking the time to love your husband? Fake it. If you don't feel like it at the time, you'll feel like it before it's over. Make him feel desirable and your relationship will seriously improve.

It is absolutely normal for you to feel this way. Many women feel the same way. However, it's also absolutely normal for your husband to respond by feeling deeply rejected and neglected. Giving him the speech about how "it's not you" won't make him feel any better; he'll be thinking, "Well, I hope I'm the only one she's having sex with!"

The more each of you digs in your heels and tries to get the other one to see your point of view, the more frustrated you'll both be. You will never agree with each other on this subject, and that's OK. But, each of you has to be understanding. You'll end up having sex more often than you want, but it'll still be less than he wants.

It sounds like it's very important to him that you sometimes initiate things, so you should occasionally initiate just because you know it will make him happy. Think of it this way - if a girlfriend called to complain about something you'd already discussed 200 times and you're tired of it, you'd still be careful not to hurt her feelings, and to listen just because you love her. Men don't want talk, they want actions, so you'll have to show him that you love him by respecting his wish to have you be the one to start things.

Once you do that for him, he'll be more likely to respect your wishes and he'll be less likely to feel hurt because you're not in the mood.

Just one last note - if he ever feels like you're just going through the motions, that you don't really enjoy making love to him, he will be deeply, deeply hurt. Being available means showing enthusiasm, not acting as if you'd rather be watching TV. Men don't like to admit it, but their feelings get hurt VERY easily!

I feel like you feel many times, in fact sometimes I feel like I can live without it. We also have two kids, and we both work full time. But something I realized a year ago is that a mans needs are very different than a womens needs. Sometimes even if you do not want to have sex, it is better to make time, to spice it up a little, put on a sexy gown or take a nice bath and smell real good for him and it doesnt take much for them to react, they are very visual! But all I have to do sometimes is to touch him, and he is turned on. The point is do not let that itimacy you once shared die. Be glad that he is verbalizing himself to you, because most men wouldn't and they might try to find that satisfaction else where. By him telling you he feels neglected is a obvious sign he wants to spend those moments with you. It is so easy to get caught up in everything else, and before you know it, its too late, so if you value your marraige, which I am sure you do, talk to him, and maybe you both can find the time to do things for eachother that make one another happy.

Your life sounds a lot like mine, except I have 3 kids. We are together almost 24/7 due to the business and sometimes I just get tired of always being around him. It kind of puts a damper on sex.

any way to spend less time together?? i think thats your problem. my husband had alot of time (like almost nine months) off from work a couple of years ago and i was home doing school from my computer. needless to say, the more time we spent together every day the less sex we had. i think too much time together can do that to a relationship. but as soon as he went back to work, WOW! things got alot better in the bedroom, because i looked forward to our time together in the evenings, you know? if spending less time together isn't an option, try different things in the bedroom. sometimes a simple massage or a nice bubble bath can really change your mood and make you more interested. good luck.

I'd say your sex life is normal in that it's probably typical for a lot of couples. That doesn't mean it's as good as it could be. Men naturally crave sex more than most women; it's just the way they're hard-wired. Does your husband understand that you're willing to have sex more often if he initiates it? Men's self-esteem gets very tied up with sex and their wives' reactions to their sexual advances; if he feels rejected sexually he will build up a lot of sadness and resentment. I'm not saying you should always have sex whenever he wants it regardless of how you're feeling, but you should do so sometimes even if you're not in the mood to keep him happy and strengthen your marriage. ... Also, I totally get how real life (kids, jobs, bills, housework, etc.) is draining and how that puts sexual desire waaaaaay on the back burner for a lot of women. But if you try viewing sex not as another responsibility on your daily "to-do" list but as a luxury, some pampering for yourself at the end of a busy day, you will enjoy it more and maybe want it more often yourself. (Taking this attitude is easier if your husband is generous with you -- taking care of your needs, wink wink -- and maybe throwing in plenty of cuddling, back rubs, foot rubs or whatever as well!) Don't let your marriage drift into a state where you're having almost no sex. It does long-term harm to your marriage. More is better, but that doesn't mean every night, either. If you and your hubby both compromise a bit you'll probably find a happy medium that keeps you both content. Good luck and have fun. :-)

I would see a good gynocologist and have your hormone levels checked just to see if that is the cause. Also, theres a great sex therapist on the Oprah website. She has some great techniques to get your needs met and that might increase your level of interest. Best of luck.

I can see you already read all these responses. But I have to add my .02~
The best thing I ever did with my husband is go on an "every other day" plan (this was our compromise, he would prefer every day, I would prefer every few days!)
This took away the whole question of "are we doing it or not doing it" and "who is going to initiate". It is just known if it is an ON day or an OFF day. It took away all the ambiguity. And then on the off days I look forward to the break, and the ON days I can sort of psyche myself up for it throughout the evening (you know how "mental" we women are when it comes to sex).
You could find a plan that works for you (Tue/Sat, whatever). I thought planning out a day for sex was so cheesy... til I had kids. Now it is the best thing I did for my marriage!
ps: My husband and I felt EXACTLY the same way you and your hubby do, it sounds like. I swear we had the same conversation probably. This solution helped a lot :)

sounds like you might need to have your hormones checked, it might be the reason your not interested in sex, unless you just don't love the man any more, if your tests come back normal, maybe next step is some marriage counseling, maybe date night out alone, to re kindle... dont give up

M.~
I am a romance consultant with Passion Parties. Please go to my website kellyzpassionz.com
I specialize in helping couples find fun ways to enhance thier love lives.
Sometimes you need to add a little spice to the relationship. It keeps things fresh and new. You get the romance that you crave and he gets the sex that he craves. The important thing is that both of you are talking about the subject. That's very important in your relationship!!
If you like, please call me ###-###-####. I will answer any questions that you may have.
~K.
Making a Difference, One Relationship at a Time

Hi M.,

You are normal. A lot of us are just not interested in sex as often as our partners. Our bodies have been through the wringer with child birth, work, caring for our families, and trying to take care of ourselves. Sometimes adding sex into the mix is just too much. Talk to your husband and set aside one day or night a week for a date, a time that you both can relax and spend together without discussing kids or work. Maybe once you start to feel more relaxed you'll get those urges back and both of you will feel better. Good luck.

I can totally relate! My husband has been voicing these concerns for a while now. I came to realize that I am not that interested in sex as often as I used to be because I get my affection from my 2 children and it seems to be enough sometimes. We run our own business as well and with time constraints and the business of the day, I am tired and would prefer to sleep rather than have sex. We have had to make a concentrated effort to make time for each other. We have been married six years and it can become routine. What we have started doing is getting into the mind set of when we were dating and when we were first married. Wearing a cute nighty to bed might help you get in the mindset and your husband will appreciate it. Just remember your husband goes to work even though he may not feel like it. So we have to do things that we might not feel like doing at the moment but then later on it was worth it. I know initiating is the hardest part but try to be creative and fantasize if you have to. You might also consider talking to your Doctor to see if your hormone level is off a little bit. If it is just that you are not interested in your husband then maybe talking to a marriage counsler could be another option. I think that it is better to be proactive than reactive. i would not want my husband to feel so neglected that he goes looking elsewhere. Good luck and thanks for sharing. I don't feel so alone!

Statistically speaking, twice a month is normal for couples married that long. But if you or your husband have a problem with that, then you have to do something about it. Good luck!

If he is telling you he feels neglected, then there is a problem..If you don't try to be more romantic with him, he will likely look elsewhere. Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books on marriage or any books about this type of subject. Hope this helps.

I'm havint he same problem, I'm 42 and dont know how to make our love life more iteresting, any advice

Go to a health food store and get Royal Maca and take it as directed. It will increase your libido :)

You have to remember that men are such physical beings, they really feel love through physical contact. Go back 10 years and try each day to remember something that really made you feel attracted to him and talk to him about it, you will be amazed how it is like four play to talk about how you came together in the first the place. Flirt with him and stroke his ego, you will get a lot out of it too.

I hope the best for you, a marriage is a beautiful thing when both people are enjoying all of it's benefits :)

It is really hard, but you probably want to get to at least once a week. I don't know if your kids have a set bedtime, but it would be easier if they did, so that would be my first suggestion. Then break out the KY and go to town. Pick a date night where you do something together, from cooking to playing board games, but not tv, cause they just came out with a study that tv is not beneficial to intimacy.
Good luck
R.

If your husband says he's feeling neglected then maybe you two need to sit down together and talk about it. Share your thoughts and feelings and get on the same page. If he loses interest, that will just open up a whole new set of problems (i.e. resentment, indifference, or possibly looking for fulfillment elsewhere:( ).
I am a military mom of 4 children and, when my husband isn't gone on deployment, am intimate with my husband a minimum of 4x per week, if not everyday. Having a strong healthy sex life has made our marriage stronger. Even if we're not being intimate we touch each other (little hugs, kisses, caresses,etc.) just to show each other we still care and want to be with each other. Sometimes this is all we need. It doesn't always have to be sex.
Each of us needs to feel wanted, so find out what your husband needs from you and let him know what you need from him and things should get better. Good luck.

You are normal! However, I would not ignore your husband's comment. There is such a thing as initiating sex because it makes your husband feel loved and wanted (even if you are not really in the mood). We do lots of things we don't want to do for our children- like diapers, cleaning up vomit, maybe even reading a book after you've had a long day and still have a ton to do. We do it out of love. If your husband needs you to initiate sex once in a while to feel like he still matters to you, well then, it wouldn't hurt you either.

Do something nice for yourself during the day to help you feel good about yourself- bubble bath, pedicure, haircut. Then surprise him. Personally, I find that the more often my husband and I have sex, the more I want it. When things get stressful and we go a while without it, it is harder to get in the mood. So you might just have to do it a few times to get into it.

Run to counseling. These kinds of problems can cause serious trouble in a marriage. I, too, am this way. If left alone, I really could get away with just 1-2x a month. However, my husband said he was feeling neglected because I wasn't being receptive and needed me. I asked how often? He said at least once a week would be good to start! TO START! So, I made it a point to be available to him most of the time he initiates and to actually do the initiating on every day that is either a multiple of 7 or has the number 7 in it. So for instance, Feb. 7, 14, 17, 21, 27, 28. The next month I might do multiples of 6 or 5, and I'm hoping to work my way up to 4s and 3s. This gets him every 3-4 days or so and because he doesn't realize a pattern, he's excited that I'm initiating.

Believe it or not, the more you do it, the more you want to do it. And feel free to fantasize about anything else. If he's not really doing it for you at the time, whisk yourself away into a some romance novel-like setting. It'll do wonders to your actions and make him stoked that you're into him. what he doesn't know, won't hurt him. All he knows is that you're having fun making love again...

If that just isn't working, talk to your Dr. Maybe you're on some kind of meds that cause a decrease in libido, or maybe your hormones are out of whack. Go to a trusted dr. too...

talk, talk, and talk some more. find out what each of you want and work it out. it is good that you know he wants something. most women don't know there is a problem until they are gone.

Compromise is the word I am looking for (with husband and wife). Unfortunately, sex is one thing that needs to be active to keep a marriage happy. (in the men's eyes of course)
You need to try to give it up a little more often. I know it can be hard, especially when the man wants it a different way then the woman. You've been married for so long, what kept your sex life vibrant in the beginning?
Lots of things can lead to sex. Try giving him a massage with oil. Any attention to a man can make him feel better.
I understand having kids makes any intimacy difficult.
But, it looks like you have to try a little harder if you want to keep your husband at your side. I think this is definitely a red flag. Just the fact of your husband communicating with you and sharing his feelings is a good sign. Even giving him hugs and kisses in the middle of the day can help the situation. If he is sitting at his computer, just go behind him and massage his shoulders or give his neck a kiss. Little things like that can tell your husband that you still love him very much. You don't have to be sexual to show how much you love him.
My OBGYN told me that you have to have sex to want sex. After the birth of my child I didn't want sex at all. She said you have to build your libido back up, and that only happens when you have sex. It was difficult to do, and I had to use lubricates all the time. Finally, there just came a time where I felt sexual again and everything went back to normal. (took about 5 months)
I understand that you are just not a sexual person to begin with, but it just sounds like you both need to compromise and try to give it up to him more often.
Good luck to you!

M.,

My advise is to have an open conversation with your husband where you both are sensitive and open to ideas and talk about your feelings to one another.

10 years is a long time and you don't want to loose what brought you all together...

Also, be romantic on occassion.. I'm like you so I can identify with what you are saying... I work so many extra hours 40-60+ a month and by the time I get home I'm exhausted and here he is waiting up for me b/c he's turned on... but i'm not...

talk and sometimes when you are in the mood then try to be romantic with him...

If he is not fulfilling you in some way or another, then he won't ever get better at it, if you aren't honest with him... guide his hands, fingers, kisses, etc...

Good luck and let me know if you would like to continue our conversation... privately.

C. B.

invite him to a nice, romantic "valenties" dinner or make one special yourself. make a box and put in things YOU ONLY (NOT HIM) are willing to do then have him pick from the box ONE piece of a thing you wrote in there like a "grab bag" thing ha ha and have him do this blindfolded (might be fun lol) then just relax with wine, candles, have someone special you trust take care of kids so you two can really spend time like that for ONE valentines night? woo hooo go with the flo let us know how it goes? hope this suggestion might help hugs... S. here in san diego