Do You Initiate or Does He???

I'm usually the initiator...I'd say it's about 70/30. It is an issue with us sometimes too but I try not to let it bother me.

When we first got together he initiated it more, when we had been together a while it was 50/50, and now I initiate it 99.9% of the time. I know it is because he is under a lot of stress with school, work, and community service. Honestly it shouldn't be a problem unless you feel like you have to beg for physical contact. In an ideal world, we would all have a perfect sex life but life usually has other plans. If you two have hit a cold streak or it's one sided...maybe it's time for a second honey moon, a marriage retreat, or a little compromise.

My husband is the same way! It's gotten harder since we've been trying to have a baby, he feels like I'm using him. So we stopped talking about the baby stuff and just go for it. But he still is the one to usually initiate. Sometimes I just want to relax and watch tv! So I do other things to show him I love him, like massages and cooking his favorite meal without him asking. It seems to help with us (: Good luck!

I think it doesn't matter what any of the women on this list do. Your husband wishes you would initiate more. He feels unloved and your relationship is suffering because you don't initiate more. That is what matters.

So...I wouldn't count how many times you initiate vs. how many times he does. I would just make a private, personal goal of how many times you are going to surprise him this week. And then do it.

We do things in our marriage just because they are important to the other person. And if you go about it the right way, it just might end up being fun, even though you started it off with a "check this list to please my husband."

V.

In our marriage, I am the initiator but not without a clue or two that she's interested. If I initiate and she turns me down, there's only so much of that any guy can take. If she initiates, then any man will always respond because men are generally horny monkeys. My wife is just not a sexually aggressive person, but she enjoys sex. Who starts it doesn't matter. The important part is that we are having sex. So my advice to you, if you too are not the initiating type but are in the mood, is to just drop little hints and let the game come to you. How could any guy complain about that? By the way, is everything in your marriage 50/50?

Dear Kathey,

You need to initiate it more... It's like anything else in life. If he never cleans or helps you out without you asking, you would get resentful... wouldn't you? Marriage is a life long partnership and it takes give and take from both sides for it to flourish and grow deeper. If one side feels left out, only bad things can come out. In our home, I usually initiate more because he is exhausted from work, but if he is not tired... he does! In vacations, 50/50. I guess overall is 50/50. Intimacy is key to maintaining a marriage, not just a friendship. We have 8 kids, so I am very busy always. After a long day running around with the kids, cleaning house, laundry, etc. I want some loving and special time with my husband. It is not a chore or a check the box to entertain him. It's loving each other. Being partners in everything makes life much sweeter and our love stronger. Best wishes and God bless!

Well...I'm not married anymore so....maybe take this with a grain of salt.

However, maybe you don't have to do the actual initiating. Just do some suggesting and he might pick up on that and keep the ball rolling. Maybe send him a flirty text earlier in the day. He will keep thinking about that and want to initiate later on that night. Surprise him by wearing something sexy to bed. He will probably gladly do all the rest from there!

Men's egos are soooo fragile. You have to keep (pardon the pun) stroking it or he will feel like you don't care. Most men need a lot of positive attention.

GL! It's no fun stressing over one more thing in your daily routine.

Husband most of time. I love it after we get started, but I have most of care of kids and household chores and by the end of the day, "entertaining" my husband is at bottom of my list! I love him dearly, and as I said, after HE initiates it, it's wonderful, just got a slow motor I guess. LOL. Explain that to him, that sometimes, you have more chores or more stress during day and it's hard to think about it and that sometimes women need their husband to get things started just to get warmed up to the idea. Guys harmones just work faster too. Look how fast they can get turned on, while it takes a woman quite a bit longer most times. Keep communication open about it and make him aware, it's not HIM causing it, just normal life interference!! My husband has finally come to realize this!

My hubby nearly 100% of the time.

If it bruises his ego that you don't initiate it, what's the harm in pretending you're interested? Most likely if you start pretending you're interested, you'll become a bit more interested and engaged. As an additional note, think about it during the day- get some cute underwear or silky pjs, make it fun for you to initiate, and if you know he's going to want to either way- may as well beat him to the punch and get the credit for it.

My husband does. I am going to say 80% him and 20% me.

For us its like 80/20 with him initiating more. He has a much higher libido and has no problem flipping the switch to "on" even after a bad or stressful day. Me? Not so much. Good luck, you're not alone!

it is like 90/10 - him initiating more. I, however, reciprocate. I don't shut him down or act annoyed, etc. I just have different focuses most of the time and we have discussed this and agreed that this is his area of expertise - LOL!

We are about 98/2...with him initiating about 98% of the time. I know I need to work on this! I have about 1 week pet month that I am always in the mood and am all over him...the other 3 weeks its all him!

It's pretty equal for me and my husband. If he was more selfish he would ask for it every day... but he is very aware that I am worn out and he takes that into consideration. I have found that with children, it takes a little planning and maybe a new spark. I used to initiate sex with my husband a lot before our daughter, but since we had her, I don't seem to have the drive that I used too. Anyway... try some new things to maybe get your spark going. There are some really effective topical things that you can use to bump you into the mood. I think that if you do something like that... your husband will realize that you care about your marriage. It's not always easy but I think that if we put just a little extra effort into our sex lives, our partners see it as a really big deal. Give it a shot... what do you have to lose?
Good luck.

Me probably more (at least a little bit) - Probably about 60/40. Often times just a racy txt early in the day if I am feeling in the mood.

Things used to be more equal with us, but I am perimenopausal and my libido has hit the road.... :-( I am workng on surgery to deal with other issues so it has been pretty rocky for us. His drive is WAAAAAY higher and we struggle with talking endlessly about it to keep it clear that it is not about lack of love or desire as much as it is missing lust on my part and throw in exhaustion and kids and health issues.... bleh.

Tell your hubby your drive will wax and wane and if you are receptive most of the time that is love. I envy Sarah her drive, but it is not like that for everyone. Sex is very important but it doesn't mean the marriage is not working if one person has a higher drive. And trust me on this one, everyone's drive fluctuates! Yours and his!

wow, interesting responses! I guess I am a bad wife... I'd say him 80/20! Since I had my baby, though, I just have NO interest. But I'm hoping it'll get better.

i do more so, prob 60/40...oh oops i have a bf if that matters if you're J. talking about marriage=)

I would have to say at this point in our marriage (7yrs, been together 10) that it's 50/50. It has changed through out the years though.

if he wants you to then you should... no matter what works for everyone else, it is what he has asked for ( I agree with Vicki S.) just like you would want him to respect your wishes, and if you just don't like to initiate and that is your wish that you want him to respect (when both wishes are in direct conflict,) then you have to find a middle ground, sometimes your way sometimes his.

we are all over the map at different stages of our lives it is never the same from year to year.

It has been me more recently as my husband has been under a ton of stress especially this last year......However this last weekend he did...... :)

My husband makes me initiate, but I really don't like to. This has been an ongoing issue with us off & on for years. His genius idea was to never initiate & that way he'll never get turned down. My problem with this is not that I'm concerned that I'll get turned down, but rather that it's HIS initiation that gets me going in the first place! So, I do it, but rather lackluster-y until we can come up with a better idea.

He does these days. I used to but when I initiated or told him I needed sex, well he wouldn't because he didn't want to go to bed that early or go in his office and masterbate. If I really really really need sex, I will put on lingerie, cover myself with a blanket, come downstairs or stand in front of his office and expose myself. We were supposed to have real sex this past weekend but we both had other plans and were out past 11:30.

Umm...I think he does more but I initiate also. It is something we are always trying to keep alive in our marriage during the week. Probably 60/40.

Hope you work through the tiff soon. Not fun to argue about intimacy.

Good luck and best wishes!

Id say he does about 85 % of the time.

It took him awhile to understand the appropriate timing. So for a year or so it was mostly me because it had to be, lol

There's a book you MUST get called "Intimacy and Desire" by Schnarch. It has been so helpful for me/husband to understand this issue. I highly recommend it. If you can't get the book, check out his website or a podcast if you find one. You can "look inside" the book at http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Rela... and check out the first pages to see if you think it might help. I think the example of the very first couple mirrors your own.

I'd say it's about 50/50. I'm lucky, I think. I think it's quite common for one spouse to have a a more active drive, and more initiative then the other.

At the beginning of.our marriage it was either me or 50/50 but then I got to.realizing how.controlling and coniving he was and it has all him til it stopped.for.good.in March. I've been.with many men that even if I don't uavea a high libido or not in the mood...they still turn me on and sometimes I start it. Ways I do so is kissing neck/chest, massaging back and running hands down chest, playing with buttons on shirt while kissing...etc

Listen closely to what your husband is saying to you. He would like you to initiate sex more often.

Men are ego driven. As men age knowing they are still attractive to the mate they have choosen is important. One of the ways they know they are still, "THE MAN" is when you (his woman) initiate.

One of the most valuable lessons my mother ever taught me was to learn how to get in the mood and to more often than not give it up. Sex is supremely important to men while we women can more easily let it hit the back burner more often than not.

The most valuable thing I learned from my husband is how much he loves me to initiate.

To answer your question it probably evens itself out overtime. Actually in the winter he is more of the initiator while I'm the hybinator but in the summer I'm all over him. I just can't seem to help myself.

So get past your tiff and give in to your husband's request because you love him and because this is something that is important to him and see what benefits you get from it. Enjoy your marital physical intimacy.

I'd say it has been 60/40 (him/me) maybe 70/30, since having kids, it used to be a little more equal. He knows my monthly cycle as well as I do, he can tell when I am ovulating because for about a week out of every month I initiate nearly every day, sometimes a couple times a day! The rest of the month falls more on him, I VERY rarely turn him down. Even when he wakes me at 2 in the morning because he can't sleep. I can't think of a time that it hasn't been worth it in the end, even when I was not anywhere close to in the mood when it started. I do know that he really loves it when I initiate, makes him feel good to be desired, just like it does for me. Do you ever initiate? I think it is healthier when both partners do at least SOME of the initiating. If you have absolutely no sex drive you may need to talk to your dr or ob about this. There could be a medical explanation for that. I know that the Pill completely knocks out my sex drive and we both suffer for that. Also many medications like anti-depressants can do that, as well as conditions like hypothyroid, unbalanced hormones, etc. Hope you are able to find a healthy balance you are both happy with.

I do becaue its totally up to me when we do it. He is ever ready. That's a given. SO, It's just a matter of when I'm feeling it. He might try to kiss me just right or breathe on the back of my neck or something to hope I initiate, but still, he lets me be the agressor.

If I go to bed without panties, he knows I'm open to some fun, but there are even nights where he is so tired, he doesn't take me up on the invitation. That's always followed by an honest apology and explanation. Then there are times where he is flirty all day, but by the time bed time rolls around, I'm so tired, I don't want to be touched. I would say it's usually 50/50 with us.