K.,
I am really sorry to hear of this situation. Sadly this situation happens way to often. I was a child of a difficult divorce, and your situation reminds me a whole lot of what my older sister and her ex-husband went through. Especially the part about the ex-husband finding religion. You see when humans read the bible, we do not always interpet it's meanings correctly. In your ex-husbands case as with my sister's ex-husbands case, When it comes to marriage the bible says Men are the kings of the house and the woman should love, honor, and obey her husband at all cost. (This is how your ex is interpetting it) This is true however, if he interpets it correctly, The woman is his queen and the husband should love, honor and protect her and putting her and his families needs above his own personal needs in order to keep them happy safe and protected. Sadly that does not sound like the interpetation your husband will see. I do see a little light for you. With him turning towards religion, most religions have family counciling. You sons are getting to the school age so, unfortunately your husbands ideas on the 50/50 split with him living 1 hour away will not work. If you go to his church for couseling he will feel that the ball is in court, basically the control freak in him will think, " Ha Ha I have the upper hand." However, The agreement needs to be for the good of your sons you will go to his church/ minister if he can arrange it for family counciling, but you want to start off going separtely since neither of you can see eye to eye on pretty much anything. (Both of you seeing the same minister, but separtely will give the minister both sides of the story without disaggreements or interuptions from the other) , for at least a month or until the minister or counselor thinks that it would be okay for you and your ex-husband to talk together, and that the minister/councelor can controll the conversation. You need to tell the minister/counselor pretty much everything including what you have written here at mama source. He may also want to eventually talk to your children seperately which could help the kids as well. Even though they are young, Your ex and yes even yourself are putting these kids into your adult relationship problems and because they do not understand adult relationships (most adults don't understand adult relationships) the kids get confused, scared, may think it is their fault, or it is them, and every other emothion you can think of which can be damaging in the long run when they grow up and try and start adult relationships. So talking to the minister or child cousilor will help your kids to get out their fears and confusion. This is going to seem like a lot more time you do not want to spend with your ex, but you need to think of your children (both of you do) They deserve to be loved and protected by both parents even from the parents in these tpe of situation. You both brought them into this world, you both love them more than life itself. Right now your children even though the arguements are about them, are not coming first in either of your hearts like they should. So tell your ex that you are willing to go to his church for the couseling for the sake of your children and it would be great if he could get it set up for all of you with his minister or if the minister suggests it a professional. But you need to make it so he thinks he is getting the control he wants. Even though in reality you are only giving him this little bit of contol for the sake of your children.
I really hope everything in the ends turns out happily ever after for you.
Remember your kids are first in your life, but with your situation you need to stay happy and in control of your emotions even if it means hiding your true feeling in front of them. They are not adults and should not be but in you and your ex's adult troubled relationship.
Good Luck
And Nothing but Best wishes for you and your children
E.
