Taking My Full Weekend Away from Kids.

I disagree with the idea that the kids belong to any person. They do belong to God, however. Children are not possessions, like pets, that we have around when we want them. The best thing for the children should be the answer. You could find a church that would support their current worship experience, and then attend with them to show that you are interested in encouraging them in what they believe in. If they choose to go to church instead of staying with you, then it must be something that is important to them. I don't think they moved away from you, so if you really want to have more interaction with your children, you should move closer. I realize it is a short email message, and not the whole story, but it sounds like perhaps you spend a little too much time thinking about what you deserve instead of what your responsibilities to your children are.

As a child of divorced parents, I know exactly what it feels like to have your parents put you in the middle of THEIR battles and fight over you. It is NOT good for the kids and they shouldn't have to deal with that kind of childish behavior - on EITHER of your parts. Now, my first question would be, did the family attend church every Sunday BEFORE the divorce? If so, then I don't think that his request is totally unreasonable, especially if you do not attend church or take the kids to a church service on your weekends. If you do take them to church, then he IS being unreasonable, because it shouldn't matter WHAT church they are going to, just whether or not they are attending at all. If you don't, is there a later service he can take them to so you don't lose the whole day? Or a service on a different evening? Many churches have services on other nights of the week, might be worth checking in to. If you all didn't attend church regularly and this has only come up since the visitation issues, then I would say he is just being a jerk. HOWEVER, your kids are old enough to decide what THEY would like to do. If they want to cut the time short with you to be able to attend church OR if they want to stay with you, it should be their decision to make, not their father's and not yours. As far as your comment about having to drive so much, it was your choice to move 45 minutes away, and ANY chance you have to spend with your children should be cherished. I understand you have to do what you have to do in order to obtain employment, but that wasn't your kids fault, and you kind of sound like you are upset about having to make a drive to be able to spend time with them. Stop focusing on you and him and focus on your kids - they are the most important part of the equation. If he has started all this commotion just to make you angry, it sounds like he has succeeded, which probably tickles him pink. If the two of you are having such trouble coming to an agreement on custody/visitation issues, then maybe you need to speak to the courts and work out an agreement through them. Then he wouldn't be able to randomly change things on you. Good luck!

Legally, he cannot make you give up your time with the kids. If church is that important to the kids, they can go to church in your neighborhood. As kids get older it is impossible to force them to visit as outlined in the state guidelines. Both parents need to be more flexible as children age.

My parents split after 14 years of marriage. Fortunately, for us, they lived only 20 minutes a part. I was very active in my church youth group by the time I hit Jr. High and it was my lifeline to sanity. My parent's divorce was ugly and it just didn't get better after the fact. Having the option to attend the same church every Sunday was HUGE for me (it was the same church my Dad went to.) My mom tried to have us go to church with her for awhile, but, honestly, I hated it and resented the fact that I wasn't able to be with my church family. I NEEDED that time every week....and I was very active during the week too. I realize family is important and spending time with parents is HUGE...especially when you only see them every other weekend. But at that pivotal time in life....the teenage years, I CRAVED stability and the safe haven I found in my church family.

Of course, all of this got a LOT easier when I turned 16 and was able to drive myself to church. Prior to that I even carpooled to church with someone who lived near my mom....it was that important to me.

I know it was really hard on my mom and I hate to say this to her...and you, but it was your choice as a parent to change everything...no matter what reason you had for doing it. The kids can't be punished for that choice. If it is your ex who is pushing for them to be at church that is one thing. If your kids are the ones who want to be there it is entirely different. I know you don't like relinquishing control of this matter to your kids, but they need to have some say in their lives. As kids of divorce, our worlds come completely crashing down on us and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We get toted around from house to house, we get argued over, our schedules and activities become up for grabs in a control battle between our parents. I know there is always 2 sides to a story, but I'm sharing the side from the kids.

If this is really important to your KIDS, not your ex, please listen to them. Don't complain about driving...because again, that was your choice. (Not trying to sound harsh, just honest).

Just talk to them and LISTEN. If you choose to make your own decisions without hearing them or listening to them they will grow bitter towards you and resent the time they do spend with you.

Again, sorry to be harsh. These are things I couldn't tell my parents when I was 12 & 15 and I wished there had been someone to be a voice for me.

I don't want to sound judgemental, but I think you have moved too far from your kids. Move closer to them. Than you can take them to their church, be closer to all their activities, see them more often, be accessible for emergencies and short-notice events, and not spend so much of your time (and so much of your time with them) driving. I know it might seem too difficult, but you only get one shot at this, and in 8 years, all this visitation stuff will be over, and you can move wherever your heart desires. Until then, I think it would be worth it no matter how great the sacrifice to find a job and an apartment/house within 15 minutes of them and their schools, and their church. Best of luck.

I think your kids are old enough to decide for themselves, and you should let them do so. They are already getting the short end of the stick having divorced and remarried parents. It's not about you and your time with the kids. It's about your kids and what keeps their lives as simple, stress-free, and happy as possible.

I'm sorry to tell you, but your husband is doing the right thing by giving the kids the choice. It sounds like they are very involved in church and at their ages (teenagers) and with all that is going on in their family life, it is giving them stability. They are old enough to decide what they want to do and you need to respect that. Couples in divorced situations are quick to worry about their own needs and don't concern themselves with the trainwreck that occurs in their children's lives. Parents need to put their feelings and desires aside and do what the children need. Obviously, the kids' friends are very important to them right now and you may want the extra day with them, but do they want to see you? I am sorry to be harsh, but this was how I grew up with a parent who wanted to get their time in regardless of what I wanted. The parents already got what they wanted...a divorce, now give the kids what they need. I hope it helps!

Do your children WANT to go to that church every Sunday? If so, perhaps you need to consider them and not yourself. It isn't like they are toddlers and have to go your way because they have no other options. Your children may have friends, responsibilities and goals that are related to their free time and those will most likely be near their primary residence and school. Another thing to consider is that they are old enough to make decisions--are they requesting it and he is laying it on the table for them--they DON'T want to be in the middle--trust me. I understand about being their Mom, court orders and the legal issues surrounding this, but you need to know who really wants this (you mentioned they are being given the option by him to decide things). It may be possible to have extended visits another time (like in the summer) to be less disruptive for everyone. I know it would be difficult for my children to pick-up and take off to another place for two days a week. Make sure you are picking the right fight before you get hostile and blame the wrong party....

This might sound crazy, but take the kids to church. That way you are supporting your kids in their choice to go to church and you are winning because you get to be with your kids, and you are the one taking them.

P., I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I will share my situation with you! My kids (ages 11, 7 & 5) spend the night at their dad's every other weekend and every other Thursday night, and on Weds. they rotate to have some one on one time with their dad. I work at the church I attend and my kids come to church with me on my weekends, as well as through the week. When they're with their dad, they normally, but not always go to church with him. They like the variety, and his church instills the same beliefs. I'm a big one on my kids being involved with church, but ultimately it's about them having a relationship with the Lord! They're not just going to get that by going to church, they get alot of that by watching and talking to you, as their parent! It's important for them to have a relationship with both their parents, as well as with the Lord! And you're not evil!

The way I read your post it sounds like you have not moved on even if you are remarried and you are both still angry. Stop fighting over the kids with your ex for control which is just what you are doing. You said that your visitation isn't even scheduled which means that you are both in battle. I really don't see why you couldn't take them to church, sit in your car and read a book if it bothers you that much that you don't want to go, but your children deserve to have the choice to have a stable life. They didn't choose to move away and so suck it up on the driving. After church you can all go to lunch and then do an activity together before you drop them off. I don't see why if it was so important to you that they stay with friends and neighbors that you left them that you then wouldn't want them to continue to be a part of those same friends and neighbors. It doesn't go both ways. If I were your child I would feel very hurt by your post and your attitude.

If it's the children missing Church that he is concerned about find a church near you and you and your children attend church on Sunday, so then they're not missing anything and he can't use that as an excuse to control the situation.

P.,

First of all, as long as it is really their free choice, Why shouldn't your children have a say in how they spend their weekends?
It seems like you have forgotten what visitation rights are all about. This is not about what works for you! This is for the children!
I am not clear where the six trips comes in. Perhaps he gets to pick up the children on Sunday if that is what they all decide. I would invite you to stop looking at this like its a battle to see who gets their way and realize that this is for the children.

With my whole heart,
C.

P.,

I have to agree with the ladies that say let the kids go to church. I know you want the time with the kids and if that is what the divorce agreement says, by law it is yours. But don't forget that as a parent, along with assuring your children grow physically, mentally and emotionally, you and their Dad are also responsible for their spiritual development. Since this has eternal significance, don't take this decision lightly. Go to church with your children at their church if possible. It may mean you have to wake up earlier Sunday morning to get there on time and spend the rest of Sunday near their house. So be it. Don't get caught up thinking you are giving into your ex. Put your children and their needs first. Move closer if you have to.
I have to admit that my opinion may be biased. My mom left and remarried leaving my dad to raise eight kids. She moved so far away that we did not get to see her very often. I still wonder why I wasn't worth the effort for her move closer. The decisions you make now will affect your relationship with your children for the rest of your life.

Theresa

Maybe you could give your ex two choices. (I do this with my toddler all the time.) ;)

Choice 1: He makes up for the missed Sundays by driving the kids to your house *every* Friday night and you can take them home every Saturday night.

Choice 2: You can find a church near you (if your kids want to go to one every week... I'm pretty sure their god won't turn on them if they worship him somewhere other than an actual church) and continue to do all the driving, but keep them as agreed upon.

I don't really think that children of those ages should be allowed to make that kind of decision. Mature or not. I have a friend who went to Europe as a teenager and didn't go see any of the sights because of some-or-other drama with the group of girls she went with. Now that she's older w/kids of her own and can't afford to go to Europe, she really regrets not making more of the trip. Sometimes teens are just not equipped to make major decisions. Have input, sure.

Best of luck to you.

P.,

A couple things to remember - this is about the kids - not you. They didn't ask for this situation and it's not right to disrupt their lives for your convienence.
Next, if you are in Colorado (and there are many states with the same laws), and end up in court to resolve a visitation schedule, the judge will ask any children, 12yrs and up, what their preference is and take that heavily into consideration.

You only have a few years left before they are off to college and on ytheir own... don't waste it worrying about the small details (driving is one!) Spend the time you have with them. The gal before me made a good point. Bring them to church yourself, then go to lunch and a movie, bowling, mini-golf or something with the kids afterwards before you drive them home. You will build memories you all will cherish.

Good luck -
C.

As a divorced mom myself, I'll give my 2 cents which is a little different compared to the other advice.

But first, wasn't the visitation schedule determined in the divorce decree? And not sure what the laws are around here (my kids are little,) but at some age don't they have the right to choose what parent they want to live with?

In either case, we as divorced parents have to be flexible for the sake of the kids.

So, here's my advice: I think what you have to look at is not what the kids want (the 15 year old should have some input, but a 12 year isn't, IMO,) but what you and ex decided upon when you were married. Was going to church part of what you agreed upon about how to raise kids?

Secondly, here's the different part, I think it's important for them to remain in the SAME CHURCH every week, however that doesn't mean you have to give up your time with them. Interaction and accountability with the same people every week is important at the age of your kids. It's all part of socialization. If they go to one church this week and another church next week, they don't feel like they fit in anywhere.

Therefore, assuming that you and ex agreed that the kids SHOULD go to church (&/or kids want to,) how about agreeing to drive them back to the latest service each week (assuming that is where their peers are,) and then spend the rest of the day with them on that side of town?

This isn't about your driving time. Although I know it's irritating, especially if it's your ex that decided to move 45 minutes away (if not, it was your own decision) we as divorced parents HAVE to sacrifice for our kids well being.

Sounds like you are angry too. Church is good for your kids. If that is what they want, then you should absolutely let them do it. Do what is best for them. Move closer, divide up the driving, and remember that you both love your kids. I went through this same thing with my parents, I was supposed to spend weekends with my dad, and my mom wanted me to go the church with her. I chose to spend Sundays with my dad, and is was not at all good for me. If you love your kids, you should encourage them to go to church.

maybe you can find a church of the same kind in your town and take them there on your weekends. they will still get the religious influence that your husband wants for them, but you will be saving a lot on gas and time by taking them to one that is closer. since they are teenagers, they could probably handle this going between two churches just fine if the doctrines of both churches are the same. it will broaden their circle of friends who support them in making good choices in life. good luck and good for you for keeping them part of your life!

First off, if you have a divorce decree that says you pick up the kids on Friday night and drop them off on Sunday nights, then that's technically all you need to say to him. If you feel as though church is important for your kids when they are with you, can't you find a church near you so the kids can go and make more friends?? If you are not technically divorced with no decree, you should still be able to explain (nicely of course) what a divorce decree will suggest in the state of Utah, and that you both (as well as the kids) start getting used to the schedule now instead of later.
If your kids are in their teens, it wouldn't hurt to get their opinion, but I'd ask in person, not take what your ex has as exactly what the kids said. Especially if he's angry. He may twist the words around or straight out lie. It might be best to get a third, unbiased party, to talk to the kids to see how they feel. Like a therapist or mediator.
Unfortunately, when it comes to divorce in UT the court has a say in what happens, not the parents. You can both always discuss things and hopefully resolve it, but if there are major issues that neither party can agree on, either go back to what your decree says, or find a mediator or therapist to help resolve issues.

Best of luck.

I'm one of the lucky few people who gets along well with my ex, and his girlfriend (who is the woman he left me for). It's a hard situation to be in, and my main advice is always put your kids' best interest at the head of everything else, and never talk about your ex in an angry way. I hope it works out well for you.

Sounds like your ex needs some counseling to get over his anger.

Be thankful that a 15 year old even wants to attend church and be involved there during the week! That is such a tough age with all the negative peer pressure they are exposed to, your daughter will greatly benefit from church as well. You made a less than beneficial decision for your children the first time, don't compound it by playing tug of war with them as the prize. Swallow your pride and resentment and resolve to work with your ex to give the kids the best life possible now. Invite their pastor to sit in on the discussion, include the kids in it. Tell them of your desire to spend time with them but you understand the importance of church in their lives and respectfully work out a compromise that works for everyone involved. Having the pastor present should help keep your husband's anger in check and he can keep the discussion focused and not devolve into personal attacks. Time is short and precious, your kids are almost grown and they probably already have bad feelings towards you for leaving them to fulfill your own needs. Forcing them to visit you just because you have a court order is not going to help the relationship! Let them express how they desire their lives to be at the moment and how they see you fitting into their life right now. Have your husband leave the room for a second if you feel he will influence the answer, but prepare yourself to hear some stuff that might be hard. You may have so damaged the relationship by leaving that you might have to start back at "zero" with them. Be ready to do that, it will be worth it in the long run to be a part of their lives as adults. Don't bring up the commuting difficulites-they did not buy your house and it is not their problem. Best of luck to you. Remember that what is best for the kids should be yours and your ex's priority now.

Hi P., My brother recently divorced and had the same problem...the ex wanting part of his weekend to have the kids back for church. I am a church goer myself but I totally disagree with the Exs!! YOUR weekend is just that, YOURS. If it isn't in the custody decree then the weekend is legally yours and he has nothing to say about it. You should not feel bad about wanting all of the time you should rightfully be getting on what is YOUR weekend.
You deserve to have your entire weekend. They will get plenty of church in the following weeks. No one is going to die if they miss every other Sunday service. Give me a break!!
Anyway, that is just my opinion. Have a lovely day!!

Althought this doesn't really help with reducing your time with the kids but maybe instead of you droping them off he could pick them up at your place if he insists on cutting into your time.

I think legally you could fight him because your time with the kids is your time, no matter what he or the kids want. I don't know if you attend church, but if you do, why could they just go with you? If you don't, is there a church nearby your home that they could attend by themselves (where you drop off and pick up)? What do you children think? Do they want to go back to their dad's early so they can go to church? I personally think they are old enough to really make this decision for themselves. You should talk to them first and see what they think.

As for having to make multiple short trips, I think that's just one of the many drawbacks of being a divorced parent with shared custody. Just be thankful it's ONLY a 45 minute drive because I know plenty of divorced parents with 3+ hour drives each way they make every other weekend just like you.

As a step-parent married to the visiting parent, I can tell you that you are being selfish about your parent time. Quality time and not quantity is what parent time is all about and if you interfere with what the kids want to do, and at their ages they know what they want, then they'll end up resenting you for it.

They are old enough to make their own choices and should be allowed to do so. Taking away their rights at this point is like punishing them for wanting to attend their church meetings. It should be up to them if they stay for Sunday or not. If it lessens the amount of time you spend with them - just be sure that the time you do spend together is meaningful. If the mileage and time traveling is an issue, maybe your ex would consider sharing the transportation responsibilities as a compromise for you giving up your Sundays with the kids.

Just remember, it's about them - not you and not him. Do what's best for the kids and your relationship with them will continue to grow. If you force them to stay Sundays, they won't want to come at all. Good luck!

P.,
I hope things will work out for you!
What caught my attention in your message is the note about kids making a decision of staying with you or not.
This seems to be a real problem here.
Do you really think that teenagers who are forced to do things because the law says so, is a happy situation???
What is it you can do for them to WANT TO STAY with you>???

I mean, parents and children have a 'blood-line bond' forever, but are you all FRIENDS??? does it matter to you?

I speak of my own experience, having three kids, 25, 23, and 17. Sons are adults, and live 1000 miles away, but they call me often, just to talk, and we meet every year: that time being most precious, as we have a real friendship going on, no matter the blood-line.
With my 17 years old girl, we do not have any generation-gap feeling, we are truly friends, she trusts me, and we can talk about anything in the world. (It is funny how she loves text-messaging me when she is not at home at the moment :) - new stuff, and I adjust ).

What I mean to say, P. - what do you do to gain this friendship for a lifetime? this is a WORK to accomplish, it does not happen out of a blue on its own.

As to driving, when my daughter had a better school 30 minutes of driving from home, I did it daily, twice a day, before we moved closer, for 3 years. It was all worth it, she graduates next year with good grades and tons of great friends. Sometimes, we need to sacrifice something, if we think on the big scale, and BIG, for a lifetime goals...

It is sad that your ex lives in anger, it does not help a bit, and there is probably almost nothing that you can do about it.
What you can do, is think of your children's life and interests, and how you can be of a help, and a friend to them:
they are at the age of becoming responsible for their decisions, and I see nothing wrong in them learning to do it: it's about time, really. They need guidance of course, but they will be more and more independent, every year adding to the habits of their grown-up lives: please, remember that and respect their decisions, learning how to guide them through very gently, without imposing, but helping to see the realities of life under more angles, so that they could make their decisions consciously, caringly, thoughtfully for their own good, not forgetting that harming others in not good.
I wish you all the very best, P., and hope things will not be so frustrating, but you find a common ground!

I was on the kids' side of this growing up. Had to visit my dad every other weekend. We went to church with him on his weekends and it worked OK, but was a bit of an oddity to be in each church every other week (was the same religion which helped). A few pieces of advice from the kids' point of view: make sure that you have a real room for them, not just the couch; make sure that you plan meals with them in mind; plan some fun things to do but don't overplan the weekend. And let them have something of a say in what they do, especially as they are getting into the teens and want to be with friends. And NEVER speak bad of their dad around them.
I started resenting the visitation weekends because I didn't have a real bed, didn't have kid-friendly activities a lot, and food wasn't planned with me in mind at all. So as a teenager I found excuses to not go. The most important thing is that you foster your relationship with them, whether in person, over the phone, or through e-mail. As an adult I still avoid visiting dad because it was more of a duty than a time to build relationships, and I felt that he didn't recognize me as an individual or as an adolescent rather than a kid

Personally I wouldn't allow it to happen! Those are your weekends and you are intitled to them, you're kids are still kids, yes they are old enough to make some choices on their own, and yes they are intitiled to their own opinions, BUT you are the mom in the end. I would however ask the kids how they feel and see if some compromise can be reached, maybe it doesn't have to be thier church, but can be a church that you guys can go to togather, closer to you.

Rememeber at some point as your children get older, they will realize and see things differently, mainly once they have kids, so the easier this can be, even if it is only on your end, the better their memories of their childhood will be.

All that driving would suck, I hate to drive so I understand, but if that is what you have to do to stay active in their lives then I would do it, I'd hate it but I would still do it.

Good luck I hope this can work out for all parties involved!

Being the child of a mother who left, I just have to say this: It's not YOUR decision. I commend you for doing all you can to stay in your children's lives and continue to have a relationship. But if you're not delicate about it and doing things on their terms, you're going to be doing more harm than good. Your husband is absolutely right to be giving the children the choice. At 15 and 12, they are perfectly capable of making that decision. And as others have said: This is not about you. You are the one who made the decision to leave (whether mutually with your ex or not), and in doing so, you are the one who created the situation of 6 trips a week at an hour each way. Their father is the one doing the driving around and shopping and errands for them on all the rest of the days, so you coming to pick them up when it's your "turn" is just something you'll have to do. If you want to ease the travel and time burden, you need to work something out with your ex for taking turns doing the "delivery" of the kids. But it all needs to be on your kids' terms. It's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I strongly believe that they need to be the ones in control of the situation. Good luck. It's hard splitting and blending families.

Giving the kids the responsiblity and power of deciding when they spend time with you is wrong. You are the parents and must make the decisions with the best interest of the children in mind. You are their mother and eventhough you divorced their father, the kids need and deserve a relationship with you. Don't battle parenting time issues, seek a mediator. I assume your weekends were part of the divorce decree and can't be changed just because the other party has new stuff he wants to do.

well P. you've been getting tons of advice-good for you to seek other viewpoints. here's mine:

i divorced when my kids were 14 and 17. from the beginning he had no "visitation rights". i told my ex that our kids were old enough to pursue what was right for them (with guidance and boundaries). kids don't always know for sure what they NEED, and so some exploring is required. and some kids don't want to ASK mom to be more attentive or dad to be more involved (or whatever the case may be with each parent). do you know your kids well enough that they can truly talk to you? maybe they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and so they get caught between feeling guilty over saying "but i want to go to church but i don't want to hurt mom's feelings but dad has been so good to us i don't want to hurt his feelings when i do what mom would like". there are so many variations of that theme. we divorced parents need to be responsible enough to not allow that drama become a part of our kids' lives. so, my advice is that we divorced parents consider what is best for our kids. this is not about whose weekend is whose. my gosh, these kids are HUMANS, not some material object being shared. what is best for your kids? figure that out and make it happen. if it means losing time with them on "your" weekend, then so be it. help your kids become all that they can be and they will always remember you for that as you are helping them become strong healthy adults. but if their parents turn this into a "mine" and "yours" situation, the kids lose all the time. they end up being treated like collateral.

taking them to a different church would be selfish as far as i am concerned. if they enjoy church, i'm willing to bet that they enjoy their church for the social/community aspects and comforts that church provides. going to any church is not quite the same thing at that age. while i am sure your divorce has allowed you to pursue a life that is right for you-and perhaps church was an issue (?)- if there is anyway possible that you could gracefully join into this community with your kids-cool! do that. but it may also be that this would mean your kids would feel divided again. do they sit with dad in his pew or with mom since she is a newcomer? it's not easy to advise on this because none of us know what the situation is.

i disagree about you moving closer- i imagine there were solid reasons for why you've moved to where you now live. but whatever the cost in time/gas, do whatever it takes to truly BE there for your kids. now is not the time to tally up how many more dollars or hours this is costing you. the bigger cost is this: when a parent is not signed on to helping their teenagers grow into healthy independent adults, they lose and so do their kids.

truly, i wish you and your kids the best,

S.

You shouldn't have to give up your weekends. Children being with their mom is more important than going to church. Besides, you can take them to church, too. I wouldn't get the kids into the middle of this. The kids get to decide when they turn 18. This is an issue between you and your husband. I imagine in the divorce paperwork, your parental visitation rights are pretty clear. Use that. If it is not clear, go back to the lawyer to get it clear. Sorry for your difficult situation.

Why don't you try taking the kids to church where you live and going with them. It won't be the same, but might satisfy your husband, and you will still be with them.

I completely agree with Michelle W. While I completely understand your frustration and your objections, this isn't all about you. You & your husband - for what I'm sure are good reasons - are the ones who decided to divorce and make your children's lives considerably more difficult. Your children are innocent bystanders in the situation their parents created. I think that you should do everything you can to find out how the children feel about this. Is this coming from your ex's wishes for the kids, or is this something that is important to your children? The answer to that question makes a HUGE difference to what you should do. If it is important to your children, you should find a way to meet their needs. This isn't just a frivilous want on their part - this isn't about movies & friends - it is their religion which could be a huge comfort to them at this difficult time in their lives. To assume that time with you is more important than religion - which could be the only stable thing in their lives right now - is not necessarily true. Only you & your ex know your kids & your family. Just make sure you are checking your own issues & wants at the door & truly putting what is best for your kids first. You chose to move 45 minutes away - they shouldn't pay for your decision to make this more incovenient for yourself.

I disagree with the other ladies here. YOU are the parent, and YOU make decisions with their father. Although they are able to express their wants, that doesn't enable them to make decisions for you. They are still children, and need guidance, not the responsibility of setting up a parent plan. If you can't work things out with their father, then maybe court is the way to go, ask the kids what they would like, and consider it, but ultimately, make sure it is something that you are comfortable with.

As far as the commute goes, if it ends up that he keeps them on Sunday for church, than it should be his responsibility to take them there. He needs to make arrangements to pick them up. Otherwise, you get the kids to him when it is convenient for you. I think the last woman who left a comment was burned as a child, and was way too harsh on you, but remember, YOU ARE THE PARENT. And you are right, you aren't evil, and things will only get better if you put forth the effort. Good luck!

I know this is a very hard time for you. I have not been through this, but my best friend is still. My advise is to ask your children. I know most people dont like that, but guess what this affects their life to. They should have a say in what happens to them. If you force them to do what they really dont want to, they will only resent you and your ex, and that leads to maney more problems. good luck and remember cummunicate.

I'd stick to your guns and you agreement witht the entire weekend. These are your kids too. If this is all about the church thing, maybe try out a few churches in your area with the girls. See if they want to get involved in a youth group near you. I loved that in junior and high school. Make it so your grls are like..no, we want to be with mom, sorry dad.

I'm dealing with the other side of this, an out of state father who demanded that the kids spend their sunmmer there. I let them decide (they are 17 and 14) and we now both have attornies, there is a CFI involved (Colo Court Family Investigator) and our lives have been turned upside down - not to mention that I'm at $5000 and counting. My situation involves a risk of out of country abduction and a man who wants to arrange marriages for my very American kids, so this is a somewhat more urgent situation. But understand that even with these unusual circumstances the court may not just allow your kids to state preferences to a judge. A judge ordered the involvement of the CFI and ordered us to pay to be investigated. Has this made the kids eager to see their father? To talk with him? It's his refusal to respect their wishes that put us here. I may very well max out my credit before this is over and will be paying for years. I have a daughter starting college in a year and instead of being able to help her I'll be paying this off.
Think very carefully about this, try to find some way to work it out. Your ex can't just make these changes - even if he thought you were a danger to the kids, but you may do more harm than good pushing too hard. The idea that when they are with you they go to your church or participate in your spiritual activities is a good one - I assume you aren't part of a cult(lol)? If you don't have a religious preference check out the UU they are inclusive of many beliefs and would be a good way for kids to see other possiblities.
Remember this is about your kids and the relationship they have with both their parents. There are no do overs with kids. Was your husband this religious before you left? Is this in part a reaction to your leaving or to how or why you left? With the price of gas it is expensive to do all that driving but you are one who left and chose to live that far from them - what are you willing to pay for your relationship with your kids?

I agree with some of the other postings that you should be the one to take your children to church on the Sundays that they are with you, if it is important to them then it should be important to you too. Show that you are still interested in their lives by meeting the people that they interact with at their church, their friends and their minister or pastor. Remember that the adults at their church are a huge influence in their lives and may be helping and supporting your children in making hard decisions in their lives. As a sunday school teacher for young children I have had a chance to help support children whose parents are divorcing, they need a loving adult to talk to who is impartial and not involved in the divorce so that they can be honest about their feelings. You mentioned that you and your ex are still angry at each other, what you may not realize is that your children are probably angry at you both. But it is hard for a child to express their anger for their parents, they may be afraid that if they let that anger out you will not love them anymore, just like you and your ex do not love each other anymore. It is very tough for chidren and they need a safe place where they can talk about their feelings of anger and rejection, they are probably getting that safe place at church with a pasor or teacher who will listen to them. Just be thankful that your children want to be active in a church, it could be SO MUCH WORSE!

I know that as a child of divorced parents and having a almost 15 year old son and a daughter that is 11 as well as two smaller children from a seperate relationship, that these situations are never cut and dried.

My suggestion would be to support your children in their decisions and possibly(if you feel comfortable) take them to their church. You could make a family day out of it if that is feasable with the commute factored in and all.

My son is very passionate at this age and I know that he appreciates it when I support his commitment to his youth group where he has a very strong peer group and a fantastic set of youth leaders that I have come to know and trust a great deal. There are so many other things to disagree with children about that can feel a lot more critical than a personal choice about religion(though it may be a much larger issue based on individual circumstances). My son and I have established a greater bond than ever through my support of his choices involving the church.

I just thought I would try to show a different way of looking at the situation. 14 years is a long time to be in a relationship and I am sure there are a lot of adjustments for you and the kids. This could end up being a positive thing perhaps.

Also on the legal thing about your time, as a child of divorced parents, I know that as of the age of 13 a child can decide who they want to live with and if they want visitation(Unless a parent can be proven to the courts to be unfit). That can be a tricky situation between how both parents will deal with that, just a little bit of info I gathered along the way.

Regardless of how you choses to handle your situation, I wish you the best of luck.

I hope this is helpful at least a little.

M.

I think if the kids want to go to church, then let them, but make xh pick them up and bring them back to you for the rest of the day. Maybe even have them sleep over and you take them to school on Monday? Just a suggestion. It is tough having to "visit" your kids. I hope you work it out

A.

I don't know if you are working with a lawyer, but he can't just change the visitation schedule without a judge approving it. And for his reasoning to change the schedule doesn't seem like he would win that one. He can take the kids to church on the Sunday's he has them. I wish you luck.