Need Help Understanding My Mother

I have no answers for you, just empathy. You are not alone dealing with this bizzare behavior. Many years ago when I divorced my husband it was my grandmother who paid for my ex's attorney to sue me for custody not once but twice! My mother also took his side for years. One day she switched sides and saw him for the person he really was. A couple of years after that her memory failed her and she only remembers being on my side the whole time! I don't get it, never will, but wanted you to know you aren't alone :)

Assuming that you didn't have an affair or purposefully hurt your husband I would say that the behavior is strange. If I were you I would really reduce the contact with her. Who needs that kind of an obvious lack of support in your life?

But I have to agree with Kelly S. and her comments. If there was no obvious discord and you were simply tired of your husband then your mom might think that your behavior was selfish (dissolving the family) and she hasn't accepted it. She might also feel that your husband got the short end of the stick. Regardless of the reason, I, personally, would reduce contact with her.

It does seem to be a strange turnabout. Because you describe her as extremely religious and strongly against divorce, it appears she's looking at your current situation through that lens. (If it's something else, you'd have to ask her about it.)

She may have stuck out some difficult and discouraging years in her own marriage, and thinks everybody else should do the same (there's a lot of that thinking in people who have strong judgements about others). Divorce, to her, may mark you as a failure as a wife/mother, or even reveal your sinfulness. Therefore, if you're the one who chose to proceed with the divorce, you'd be the one at fault.

Sorry this has affected your family. If you want to find a way to communicate with your mother, you might try a process such as Non-Violent Communication. You can google this for tips, examples, books and videos. It could be helpful, over time.

Your mother's behavior is not especially strange (unfortunately), though it is very emotionally broken.

For some reason that I cannot comment on, she feels threatened by you and undervalued on a very deep level. I think it very likely she never really let go when you grew up and moved on. And some part of her resents the hell out of the fact that she has no actual control over you anymore to feed her need to be needed.

Her behavior is consistent across time. She is undermining your choices to the best of her ability because she didn't make them and she's jealous that you did so without her. That was true when she hated the man you married, and is true when she hated that you divorced him.

You can't fix her crazy. You just have to accept that she's broken and do your best to not let it hurt or otherwise affect you if at all possible. Recognize it for the childish jealousy it is, and let it and her go until she manages to find more adult tools for a relationship if she ever does.

Some members of my family take the attitude, "he/they didn't do anything wrong to me" even though it is hurtful. You just have to pick your chin up and carry on.

My mother and her "father of my children" attitude married my father 3 times trying to make it work. She thought she was doing the right thing, although there were 3 little ones at the time being drug through their mess. Thirty-eight years later, I just have to feel in my heart she believed it was the right thing and put it behind us both.

It sounds like your mother is still holding the grudge. I take it you haven't shared with her how you feel or that your feelings are hurt by this. My mother used to carry on until you cried. It is a control issue...really.

M
y guess is that she is upset with you for divorcing for what she feels was not a significant reason and messing up your childrens lives. You didn't say why you divorced, but if it was just because you weren't happy or just didn't love him anymore, she may be resentful of you and also feel sorry for your ex. I don't know her reason, but it isn't really wrong of her to stay in contact with him. After all, he is her grandchildrens father. I stayed in touch with my brothers ex despite him thinking it was wrong, because she is the mother of my neice. Just because they couldn't get along, why should I have to stop talking to her?! I don't understand her behavior towards you though, since it has been 6 years, it's time to deal with your decision, like it or not.

I'm not sure why you wrote this about your ex...when the ex "graces his children with his presence" . That seemed kind of childish and a little bitter sounding. Why would their father not come and see their games?!

I just wanted to let you know that I support you and your decision.
It sounds like your mother is a religious fanatic, and unfortunately that usually means that they will side with whatever side goes with their "beliefs" and not with the one who is truly right.
YOU did the right thing if your marriage wasn't working. YOU need to be tough now and tell your mother that if she can't support and love you, then she's not welcomed at YOUR family events.
It will only harm your children's future relationships- not to mention their relationship with you if they continue to see this unacceptable behavior.
Good luck, remember I'M HERE FOR YOU and wish the best for you and your family. :)

I agree with Peg M. some very religious or old fashioned people believe in staying with a marriage no matter what, even if it's a bad or abusive one. They believe it's better for the children to have two parents and not go through a divorce. As we now know, a bad marriage is bad for the kids, too. Your mother has a pretty warped way of thinking, in my opinion, and should have supported you in getting out of a situation that she must have realized was negative since she never had a kind word to say about your exhusband. Would having her preacher talk to her help? Is her religion that strict or is it just her version of it?

I can't think of anything else, I just wanted to speak up and be supportive of your divorce. I'm sorry that your children's father rarely takes the time to watch their games. That says a lot about the person he is unless he can't come due to work which is not the impression I got from your statement. I hope your new husband is a better father to them and fills that void. As your mother demonstrates, for some people, parenting isn't about blood, it's about heart.

Good luck to you and your family.

Can't help you to understand her behavior, but, something similar happened to me, minus the "religious" part. I find trying to answer my children's questions about grandma's behavior the most difficult part, although as they've gotten older, it's gotten easier. Kids will most often grow to see past any superficiality - they know who's always there for them.

I'm especially sorry to hear about her testifying against you in court - I know that had (and still has to) hurt. I give you credit for not letting it stop you from going to the kids' games. I'm assuming everyone's behavior is at least civil, and that the kids are the focus. If it helps, I guess you could always think of it as, "At least they're getting exposure to all sorts of different people who love them."

Just to consider, how are the kids doing after all of this? (I know custody battles can be h*** long after the court has ruled.) How is the relationship between your mom and your kids? Between them and their dad, and the new step-parents? Would it be helpful to you (and/or your kids & husband) to talk to a counselor or therapist? You know you can't change anyone else's behavior, but if you can find a way to get support and to come to terms with some very stressful situations, I should think it could only help. Beating your head against a brick wall (trying to figure out why your mother does the things she does; continually giving energy to fighting the control issues with her) only gives you a hard head - I'm proof of that. :-)

Best of luck to all of you.

Actually my mother seemed to side with my ex also, and now that I am married to my current husband fifteen years and she realizes he is a very kind man, she is starting to change. Your mother sounds horrible to me and it is rather unusual for family loyalties to turn out like that but I have one of those weird families myself-had uterine cancer and my sister had a stroke and aneurysm (we are both absolutely fine now) and I guess she thought i was in competition with her for a better illness or something so she and my brother made fun of me (he said 'aren't you make too big of a deal about this cancer stuff?) and she said it wasnt a big deal, well you get thje picture AND WE ARE IN OUR FIFTIES. People are really not loyal to their families sometimes. I thought I was the only one but your mother definitely sounds like one of those soap opera b words (Just like my mom) to do that to you. I could tell you other stories about my mother just to try to make you feel better and how ridiculous my family is. But it looks like you have specific questions: such as whether this is normal behavior or not NO IT IS NOT. But it is did happen and it hurts. And how your mother could choose him over you is inside of her and quite possibly will never be revealed. You really should explain to your child that this is unusual and that you would never do that to him. She is sick. Really. But on the other hand, think of how lucky your present husband is that he doesn't have to put up with them. I know, I know it hurts.

Hi J.,

I agree with Jen, this is toxic for your family. You said she's religious. Do you mean she believes the Bible? I'm going to make that assumption and go from there.

I tend to write down what I am feeling because I can work on it until I get it exactly as I want it expressed. I would write her a letter explaining how I felt and where she is wrong in misinterpreting what the Bible says. Forgive her for what she did during the divorce and start from this point. It never says be unkind to someone that is divorced and that's what's she's doing. She's also not teaching her grandchildren properly and that is not biblical either. She's not showing Christian love to you (much less motherly love) and if she really believes she should do what is in the Bible then she needs a better knowledge of it. Flaunting things in your face should be as sinful to her as your divorce is to her. You cannot undo your divorce at this point. She has no right not to forgive you unless there is something else going on. If there is, acknowledge it to her first and ask her to forgive you. Get on an even playing field and then talk it out.

If she is not willing to do any of this for you or your children, then it is not inappropriate to sever the relationship. You can not give you kids mixed signals. If you disapprove, then they need to see it not just hear it from you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Family issues can wreak havoc on a home and I pray you get these resolved soon.

God bless,

M.

hi. i totally understand where your coming from. my dad was the same way, and on my exhusbands side while we were devorcing/ (since he was physically/mentally abusive.) people are going to do what there going to do,(even family.) theres no controling how others are going to do/ or think. (unfortunately.) the only thing you can do is voice your side, and let it go at that, and just accept how she is. i would keep trying to let your some understand this situation, that he understands her side/beliefs, and yours. he is, (i am sure, old enough to understand. i guess though that (for your family it may just be "the norm." you cant really say, just one person is wright/ or wrong here. your son, (you said), has seemed to accept this situation, and you might have to too. sorry! i know how it feels. my dad was on against me/ till he past away!

You are right. This is not normal behavior but it is normal for her. Your mother is still trying to stress the fact that she does not approve of your decison even six years later. I think it is o.k. that it appears that everyone is getting along and your children are not seeing parents and grandparents arguing. I would suggest that you speak to your mother and let her know how you feel. If she continues with this behavior then I would suggest that you let it go. You have a great husband and great children. You must be doing something right.

J.,

I just wanted to say that I agree with Mimi. I have a similar mother and my heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you the best.

S.

I have no advise, just want to say that I support you. It must be painful to see your mom with your ex-husband and his family. It sounds like your mom has never been very supportive of you, when you were married to your ex, she made it clear that she hated him, which I am sure caused stress and sadness on your part because everyone wants their mom to like their husband, then she changed her mind when you decided to get a divorce? It sounds like your mom is manipulative. Has she always played these kind of games with you. She may be emotionally abusive. Try reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book might give you some insight and help you deal with her.

your mother sounds toxic...My advice, get rid of her altogether....Life is too short....Alot of the most evil, manipulative, selfish kinds hide behind the "I'm religious" card....I don't buy it....I'm telling you, she will continue to make your life a living hell.....Been there w/people, done that...Got rid of all of them including my father.....No guilty feelings here....Good luck!

I didn't read the comments, so forgive me if I'm repeating. It seems that she blames you for the divorce. It sounds like your ex tried to stop the divorce, which says to me that he didn't really want it. So, given her religious views, she's siding with him putting all the blame on your shoulders. It totally stinks that she's behaving that way. I don't know how you stop her from acting like that. Have you tried talking to her about the way you feel? I'm guessing that it won't change things, but it's worth a shot. I'm so sorry that she's acting like this. I can only imagine how much it hurts you. :(

It's called "EGO" Let yours go and live your life with a kind heart.
Blessings....

Definitely confront her as soon as you can. She needs to understand that she is the one sinning. I would have a hard time letting her see my children when she is acting so childish. If she doesn't decide to change, I would tell her that you won't let her she your children. She needs a consequence for her actions. And the reality of her not being able to see her grandchildren might just make her realize she's doing something wrong. Good luck. Try not to hold it against her if she does choose to change.

sounds like there's something she wants out of it but not getting. have you asked her why? also, she may be the type of mother that anything you do may never please her. how has your relationship with her been your whole life. how was her relationship w her mother? I sorry, this must be very difficult and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.