Need Co-parenting Advice

Hi S.! I know that you have received a lot of feedback but nothing I have read quotes the Bible concerning God's view of homosexuality. First I must tell of God's great love for us that he sent his son Jesus to die for us while we were yet sinners (alcoholics, homosexuals, adulterers, lustful, prideful, boastful, those who lie, gossipers etc... the list of sins go on). Jesus died for us all. I personally deal with the words I say when I am angry, so I am a sinner in need of saving just as much as a gay person. That is why I am so thankful for God's great love for me that I can have a relationship with Him through what Christ did for me and not based on anything I can do.

Now back to the topic of homosexuality. My husband is a youth pastor and we have had teenagers attend our youthgroup who say that they are gay. They feel welcomed, regularly attended, and knew that we loved them, but they also knew that we hold to the truth that God sees homosexuality as a sin which can be found in the Bible in the book of Romans chapter 1 verse 24 and following. I quote it for you just in case you don't have a Bible:

verse 24 and following
"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - Who is forever praised. Amen.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done."

So God's Word is pretty clear that homosexuality is a sin. Does that mean that I love a gay person any different than a person dealing with anger, or materialism, or gossiping, etc... Definitely not. I feel the Bible teaches that you greatly love the person but not condone their sin.

I wasn't sure if I should write but everyone else explained all the other sides you needed to think about so I thought I would share with you also. I will be praying for you for wisdom in knowing how to continue to raise your children. You seem like a great mom!

Wow, I'm so impressed by your post! While I don't agree with your views on your ex-husband's life, I admire your willingness to seek advice from those who may not agree with you. What dedicated parenting!

I encourage you to seek support from P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or a similar organization in coming to terms with your husband's life and your sons' right to know their father's partner. The organization is filled with people who have traveled this path, often coming from far less loving and flexible places than you.

While my daughter is much younger than your boys, my uncle came out when my cousins were young. Through her hurt and confusion she found a way to be open for her daughters -- so they would have a safe place from which to love their father in complicated circumstances. I know it wasn't easy but I've seen that it can be done, and also that kids can accept simple answers, they don't need to go all the way down the path on why their father's partner is a man yet. The longer you wait, as they approach their teen years, they may feel anger that this was kept from them. They will no doubt be confused, but with the support of people who have traveled this path before you, you can help them while maintaining a safe place for your own inevitable frustrations and misgivings. Good luck!

I have been through something similar, and I know another mom who is currently going through a similar situation. I will include you in my prayers. First, you must take a stand when it comes to moral values. That does not mean the children should not love their father, but they need to know what it right and wrong. Second, is their father thinking of what is best for him or best for his kids in this situation? Is it really to their benefit to meet this person, and have to process at their age what this all means? Your ex-husband lives out-of state, so what is the rush? My heart goes out to you.

It's a difficult situation for sure - especially since it seems like we are not allowed to say certain lifestyles are wrong anymore. I think the main message I'd want to send my boys (I have three - 7,14,15) is one of love. You don't have to agree with someone's life choices to love them. It's what God has called us to do - love. Unfortunately, not enough of us who believe in God do that. Even Jesus sat down with the tax collectors. Your ex made a choice which you have no control over. Just be careful not to confuse "loving" and "condoning" (that can be tricky) and answer questions as honestly as possible with your boys. Good luck and God bless ... and be prayerful.

Dear S.,
I too am a Christian and I have the same religous convictions as you, but I had an experience that I would never wish on anyone. My brother had a life partner and was not aloud to visit with his children because of it. He could see them only at his ex-wifes house. He wasn't allowed to take them anywhere. This went on for 8 years. January 2007, my brother passed away unexpectedly. I was there to see the pain in his childrens eyes. They wished they had been given a chance to learn about and understand thier Father's choice.
Maybe you and your ex could start out by just saying he has a special friend and as they grow up they can form thier own opinions.
God bless you for at least letting your children see their Father and my God guide you in the tough decisions you have left to make in your childrens lives.
Sincerely,
D. W.

I am a bit confused. Do they even know their father is gay? If they don't know this yet, and suddenly meet his new partner, I think they will definitely have some struggles processing this new information.

Assuming they know - and you have given them the time/space to process and deal with it over the last five years - and they are doing OK with the fact of their father being gay (not necessarily wholeheartedly loving it, but accepting it as fact), then that's a different scenario. In that case you can prepare them by telling them that their father has an important person in his life and he wants them to meet him when he's in town. And then turn it over to Dad. Remain available to talk to the kids and be supportive of their questions and concerns if they have any. (If this is going to be an ongoing relationship and the kids will be around him more in the future, you will probably want to meet him too, but now is probably not the time.)

As for the other part of your question.... I don't know what you mean by instilling certain values. Do you mean the value that homosexuality is wrong? There is no way to teach your kids that WITHOUT giving them the impression that you think their father is making a wrong choice. Certainly you can tell them your own opinion, and even your reasons, but you need to let them be free to love their dad as he deserves to be loved by his children. That's their dad, and the worst thing you can do as a divorced parent is try to get in the way of that love. I would urge you to consider not trying to tell them explicitly that you think being gay is wrong. Good luck, I know it is hard.

Hi S.,

I too am weighing in late but I wanted to add my 2 cents.
I have 4 children-13,11,9 & 7.
I have always kept in the back of my mind "what if one of my children is gay?"
The most important thing to me regarding this is what I teach my children by expressing my opinions in a negative or positive way. My big fear would be my children remembering anything negative I said and fear talking to me because they would think that I would judge them.

If your children watch TV at all or even go to school they will be exposed to the word gay. My husband and I have, in a very non opinionated way, explained the definiton of gay to our children. Our definition: Dad and I are married and love each other-we happen to be male and female. A gay couple is two people, woman & woman or man & man who have the same kind of relationship as Dad & I. This is a very simple explaination. My honest opinion is, how does it hurt anyboby if 2 people truely love each other and treat each other well? What they do in their private life (the same goes for married heterosexual people) is private.

If you you are most concerned about sexual questions, it is the same simple answer... it is private between them. Just as it would be private if it were a heterosexual couple.
Best of luck

Hi S.... Your responses seem overwhelming in number and yet I still felt compelled to write. I couldn't agree more with what "Shelly G." responded. The fact that so much of your thought and love for your boys has gone into this decision-making process hasn't gone unnoticed by God. Amazingly, things always end up working out far better and in ways we could never have imagined ourselves, in the best interest of our children, if we let God handle it. Pray about what the perfect solution is, in God's eyes, and trust. You seem to have exhausted what YOU can do in preparation. Accept some help. My prayers are with you, your ex, and your wonderful children.

Hi S.,

This is one of the new issues we must explain to our children, without pushing our beliefs on to them. I would be present when the children are told. I believe 9 &6 year old can handle this. I would stay quiet and let dad do the talking. That way, you are there to ease the burden, but you are letting dad take on the consequences of his acts. I suspect your children will be less bothered by the fact that his dad is in a relationship with another man, (they probably know someone at school who has the exact same lifestyle) but the divorce thing is so hard to overcome. Usually there are issues of abandonment in adult life. If you all 3 work together you may find it helpful to have an "extra parent" around. On the drive home I'm sure your kids will open up to you more than they did at the time of the anouncement. Answer all questions, without going in to detail, just being there they will feel safe and if they can feel that you can understand and are supportive (sort of, and while it is not a choice you have chosen, or even believe in, Dad has made this choice and I'm sure it was very difficult. Explain it to them as you explained the divorce. If they do get hung up on the sexual choices dad has made, be gentle, but thorough. Explain that in Anmerica we can all make our own choices, and while we don't always understnd them, we must trust the person making the choice...Dad. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and yes, you do have a big challenge ahead. But the sooner they know the better. And remember, those things you fell in love with in your ex are still there. He obvilously loved you enough to try to "fend off his urges". Imagine his agony. I'm impressed with the cooperation you both have worked out. In the long run, this will be a fairly common topic. Perhaps you could write a book on this new family dynamic. It's hit and miss and do the right thing. But don't cut the kids off from someone (or even 2) people that want what's only best for their kids. Do what's right in your heart -- who knows -- this could change the world a little bit at a time. Give the tremendous gift of parenthood to a loving man who will never have children of his own. He obviously adores them and wishes he had a more prominant spot in his life. Great props to him for holding his tongue and leaving all the decision making to the parents. However, if your ex-husband lives with his partner, the partner must have the right and responsibility in discipline. He lives there as well, and the kids will test him, perhaps to drive him away, but more naturally just to test his boundaries.

Whatever you decide, just find joy in the fact that so many people love your children!

Good Luck!
V. T.

In my opinion, the most important thing is that your ex is an involved and caring parent. We cannot control what others do, feel, etc., nor can we control the choices our children make. In saying that, I believe your husband has every right to have his partner meet his children, just like you have every right to the same. If the relationship wasn't serious, on either side, then I would say not a good idea. But it sounds like they are in a committed relationship.

My brother is gay and he has a partner. My nephew's mother died and he and his partner are raising his son. They are both committed to each other and my nephew. Luckily, my nephew (who is 15) is a very popular, cool kid, and none of his friends have any problems with it.

When my nephew's mom was alive, she and my brother were very open about the situation and she was very supportive. It probably made it easier for my nephew.

I hope my opinion helped.
S.

I hate to say it, but I think your fears have more to do with you being uncomfortable with your husband's life and talking about it openly than with any real need to "protect" your children. I'm not trying to be mean ... both you and your ex-husband are being very understanding and considerate. It's just that I think you are underestimated your children's current knowledge and capacity for understanding.

First, your boys are 6 and 9 -- chances are they already know kids at school who have two moms or two dads and they understand it. At 9, however, your son may have already started to hear homophobic comments on the playground, and may have a harder time when he finds out that his dad is one of the ones who arguable falls into the derogatory category.

But, there is no good reason to hide this from him any longer. If you want the boys to continue to have a good relationship with his dad, it has to be built on trust, and trust cannot exists if there are major "secrets" between them.

In terms of the first meeting, before it occurs, I would find out what the boys know and educate them before the meeting. Talk to them about different types of relationships, and about how what is most important is that members of a family love each other.

I wouldn't necessarily ask your ex not to be affectionate in front of the kids. Your ex has shown himself so far to be very considerate of you and your beliefs (waiting a year to introduce his friend) and there is no reason to believe he would be anything more than considerate when introducing his new friend. I seriously doubt he would be any more affectionate with his new male friend, than he would be at the first meeting with a new female friend, and most likely not affectionate at all. After all, he is their parent, too, and most parents would not be affectionate in front of a new partner on the first meeting regardless of sex.

My kids are 6 (twins). What I have learned is that kids are born without prejudices, and have an amazing capacity to love and understand all kinds of people. Any prejudices people have are learned ... and, I'm afraid, mostly from their parents. Your boys will be fine.

God bless you S. and I pray He gives you the wisdom, strength and power to do what you need to do.

Hello S. W, Before I give my 2 cents, a little about me. I am retired military with 3 kids,now 7, 14 and 16. My brother-in-law passed away from aids. He shared his preference with his oldest and youngest brother and not with my spouse, the brother he was most close to. Partly I think he knew my spuse would have a difficult time with it. My kids were much younger when their Uncle passed but we never went into details. I can just imagine the potpourri of responses you may get from this mail. My feelings - you should not be forced to accept something you are not comfortable with especially when it concerns your children. You should not be forced to put your kids in a situation that you as their Mom feel you don't want them exposed to. But... I know with the current environment and the views shared by many, this will be a big up hill fight for you. Make a choice that you can live with for both you and your kids. I think at age 9 and 6, I feel that the introduction of your x's partner is a bit much. They have to be coping with a divorce, now this. Unfortunately, too many of us adults think about pleasing ourselves, doing what is right for us instead of our children. Why can't your x-spouse wait? What is so urgent about your kids meeting his partner now? We are told that even in heterosexual couples, that one should not introduce someone you are dating or living with into children's lives until we are sure that person is going to be around. I don't feel having a partner (male or female) for a year is a long enough time. I am sure many will disagree with me. I will pray for you and your boys and your situation. Life is challenging enough, divorce is tough and now to have to deal with this. BTW, I have been married 16 years and so far so good. God Bless. D.

S.-- I'm coming to this thread a bit late but I wanted to tell you that I'm divorced for the same reason. My husband of 11 years one day out of the blue told me he was gay. At the time, over 6 years ago now, my children were 2 years and 8 years old. I was a stay at home mom and still nursing my youngest child. A few minutes after he told me, I took off my ring, two weeks later I was working again and in 6 months we were divorced. In that time he moved in with his partner.

Now I took it slow with the visits at first but during the divorce process we eventually agreed to him having the children on the weekends. Prior to that, I got to know his partner and see them all interact together. I must say that my ex is a much better father now that he is not trying to hide who he is and that his partner is a real gem of a person who always wanted his own children.

It is weird still and at times tough to walk into their house and see them all baking cookies or doing family stuff all the while I'm thinking that should be the way our family was-- but it wasn't like that and it wasn't good when we were together; especially the last few years. My children are really well adjusted now. They feel like they have two dads (three now with my boyfriend). Despite the pain he caused me with the deceipt and lies; I've always held the belief that two consenting adults should be able to live in whatever committed relationship they like and my children know this.

I think the main thing about any divorce is to not talk bad about your ex no matter how hurtful they've been to you and to be very careful about talking about their poor choices--because your child might internalize that information -- they know they are biologically half of each parent. So if you say something negative about their father, then they may think it's about them in a sense. Children are more intuitive than we give them credit for-- tell them as much as you can without putting their father down. Save that for your friends and family when the children aren't around! :)

Feel free to write me if you'd like to know more about how I handled things.

S.,

Children are more resilient than adults give them credit; let your children meet the partner. If you truly believe in freedom of choice this should not be an issue. Your children will grow up with their father & mother's values & still make their own choices & decisions. Putting this off isn't going to make it any easier as it appears your ex has made his choice in his lifestyle which will not cause any harm to your children. Parents have to deal with difficult questions as part of parenting. Avoiding these questions will only cause the children to get answers from someone else. Be glad that the children's father is in their lives & allow him to include his partner to know your children as it is one more adult in their lives to help them grow.

S.

S.,
I just have to say what a remarkable woman you seem to be and what a remarkable father you chose for your boys. It is so uncommon for two people (without some of the difficulties you two have) to work together for the best interests of the children and when you include the strong differences in life's view between the two of you it makes it even more remarkable. That is such a testament to the kind of people the two of you are. The boys are so fortunate to have the you as parents. And because of who the you two are and the fact that you are able to overcome huge chasms in point of view, your children will come through this beautifully. Also, before I go into why this is not really a "problem" but an opportunity to raise your boys with the qualities that God displays, I want to say something to you. My heart goes out to you as I hear how difficult all this has been for you just in the little bit you've said. I know the heartbreak and the dashed hopes of finding that your marriage is over and, while my circumstances are different, I also know the conflict of disagreeing with your ex's lifestyle and choices but wanting to do the best thing for your children and not always knowing exactly what that is. You are not alone and I send you all my love and support to help you through this time. So, my view of your issue (for what it's worth): There is nothing wrong with you expressing that you disagree with their father's lifestyle. You just have to do so with love. You let them know that we all do things that others don't like and that doesn't mean that someone is a "bad" person. It simply means that they have different values and views of things. It is your job not to condone others' behavior or to condemn it but to let your children know what you believe and why and give them the opportunity to find thier own truth in life while accepting that others' truth may be different. There is room for you AND your ex husband in all of this. Because of some of societies views on your ex's lifestyle it may be difficult at times for your boys but I don't think you can ever go wrong by pointing them to spiritual values and by doing so you will help them deal with whatever comes up in that regard. To me that means that there are things that you believe and you try to live your life by those beliefs but when you fall short or when someone else doesn't display those values you deal with yourself and/or them with the spiritual principles of tolerance, compassion, love and all of the other wonderful qualities God shows us when we are just as human as the next person. The human condition is imperfection, that doesn't make us bad it just makes us human. Your boys will at times fall short of your expectations as well as thier own, so will you, so will your ex, so will I and everyone else. It is the nature of who we are. But when we can accept ourselves and others for who and where we are we create a freedom within ourselves that allows us to live in this crazy world with peace in our hearts. You have the opportunity to use this situation to teach your boys the best lesson you have to teach. One that, if they learn it early, will give them a lifetime of peace and fulfillment. That will serve them much more than providing and environment where they are sheltered because life will throw things at them and we can only protect our children for so long but if we teach them when they are young to deal with whatever life throws then they are set for the rest of thier lives. Humans and life are not black and white, good and bad. We/it is both and neither depending on how you look at it. I wish you the best in dealing with your situation and when you don't know what else to do stop and breathe. We often tend to hold our breath when we are dealing with something emotionally charged or stressful and the simple act of taking a deep breath can center you and put you back in a place where you can deal with whatever is happening. Take care.

Hi S.,

I know that I may be weighing late and someone else may already have said what I am about to say, but here it is.

Your response depends on whether or not your sons know that their father is gay. If they do not know, they can meet this man as just a friend of their father's and no details need to be given. Your ex and his partner should not be intimate in front of the boys. It would just Daddy and his buddy. Be very clear with your ex about that. If your boys know that their father is gay, there is no need for him to flaunt his lifestyle in front of them beginning an identity crisis in the young boys' heads that is not necessary. They are boys, young impressionable boys. They do not need to begin asking themselves if they are gay.

I guess what I am saying is that either way (whether they know or not), you need to be clear to your ex that, while the kids can meet his partner, he does not need to explain to them that this person is his lover. There should be no intimacy between him and his partner in the presence of the children. Additionally, I would only allow a 3 hour or so visit as this is the first meeting. Let the boys get to know this person as a friend of their father first. Saying, "Hi, I am John and I am your father's lover." is way too much for your sons to deal with on a first meeting. By first meeting, I mean however long this man and their father are going to be in SF.

I applaud you for trying to do what is best for your boys.

You and your sons are in my prayers.

God bless you.

Bev

I would ask to be included in the initial meeting. Take the kids somewhere they will have fun and be occupied like a fair or the aquarium, so the emphasis is on them, not the adults. Let them see that all 3 of you can get along; talk, laugh and don't worry so much about the "topic" at hand. Don't be too "heavy". Just let everyone get introduced and comfortable. This will not only be good for your boys but for the adults as well. The sooner you can learn to live with the situationthe better. This way, too, you will be able to see for yourself how your ex and his partner interact. As a teenage I thought my best friend's parents being friends after their divorce was twisted. Now I am good friends with my ex, my husbanad is tolerant of it and interacts in a friendly fashion without hard feelings. I was the same with my ex's next wife. They didn't last, though, so think about that too. If you make too much of a big deal about this new relationship it could end and your boys will be further confused. Stick to age-appropriate information (and beware of TMI), then just be yourselves; laugh, share and have fun. Life is too short for unnecessary drama and you all deserve to be happy in the present and let go of the past.

S., I think it would be important for you and you former husband to meet with a therapist or minister who is an expert in how to talk with kids about this kind of situation.

Think it would be difficult to go it alone. You want to make sure that the kids are given just enough information for their age and not too much.

You need to take your feelings out of the picture. What I am about to say is tough love but needs to be said, this is not about you, your feelings or your religious beliefs, this is about your kids. That is where the focus must be.

M.
M.

Hi there S., one more point to ponder! The advise is true, kids do accept and love uncoditionally. They are amazingly resiliant and simple answers are ususally the best. I was introuduced to gay family friends when I was about your oldest boys age. I remember some time of shock (at not knowing what it meant (I was sheltered)) and then it really boiled down to this: They still have the kind heart and love to give that they did so generously before I was aware of their orientation. And It is true that if you take a tone of dissaproval the boys will follow your lead. I do believe it is possible to accept it as fact without saying you personally believe in this particular lifestyle. Say no more than parents who give their kids ridilin or what ever there is to have differing beliefs on...It is more about how you handle this than your ex due to the fact that you are their main source of comfort and question answerer. I would also suggest being there so you have a united front for the kids. I wish you all so much luck in dealing with this. Your children have amazing parents and that is fact! Have you tried talking to your ex about what he'd like to say so you know what's gonna happen? Agree on age appropriatness? This might give you a little more comfort in having answers ready in your mind in advance..just a thought. Best wishes!

S. - I applaud your and your ex's ability to achieve a harmonious co-parenting arrangement when the opposite situation quite often occurs after a divorce (to this day, 30 years later, my mother cannot talk about my biological father without a scowl on her face). So, I think you already know what the right thing to do is. Imagine another situation, where you are not part of the decision to have your ex introduce his partner. The most important thing for your children is to have loving adults in their life because it will help them to be loving adults when they grow up.

S....you have gotten a lot of various insights and although I haven't read them all one thing sticks out to me that is missing. Please don't take this the wrong way, but having grown up in the home of a personal and family counselor I have been made very aware of these issues (as my dad saw it played out in far too many lives). So my point is this...your number one job is to protect your kids and whether your ex's friend is gay, straight, old young or even related- YOU don't know him and I would be VERY firm with my ex about the fact that he should ALWAYS be present with them. You CAN NOT be too careful in protecting your kids and I would just be really uncomfortable with someone I didn't know (especially a man)being in a home/overnight situation with my kids when I wasn't present. I know i may sound like an alarmist, but it's way too often the "normal" peoplpe closest to kids that end up hurting them the most.

S.,

Without getting into religious convictions... because regardless of what the bible says... these are your sons, and this is their father, and their father has a male partner. It falls under it is what it is. Our primary goal as a healthy, loving, nurturing parent is to protect and teach our children to make moral choices and accepting people for who they are is something we, as a world need more of! Our homes are our foundations and the basis we begin our lifes journeys from. Learning that their father loves them, and quite seperately loves another man is acceptance. Maybe if YOU met the partner without the children first, you would feel more comfortable about his position, personality, and level of commitment to this family. I would want that regardless of the sex of my former husbands partner! "Friend" would much more easily be received for ALL of you I would think until they establish a relationship and the ability to accept. Good luck to you. You seem to have a blessed parenting circumstance - not a curse!

Dear S.,

You and your ex are loving and courageous people! My hat is off to you both! I applaud that you have continued the deep commitment to love your sons. Your ex traveling faithfully monthly is wonderful, and speaks volumes.

That said, when people make choices that are outside of our values it can be very difficult. That said, you might have been given an opportunity to openi your heart (in your own time) to another expression of love, and know that doing so can't hurt anyone.

I know several same-sex families with children. Their kids are more matter-of-fact about it than an adult might expect. We have known each other for many years as families in the same cooperative school.

The best news is that you and your ex's devotion to your children will win out in the long run. Besides, most men have close buddies, and as far as the age of your sons go, that might be all they notice. There doesn't need to be any discussion of intimacy. In fact, if male-female parents were to talk about intimacy issues to a 6 and 9 year old, beyond love, trust, support, communication and mutual respect, it would be questioned by many!

Perhaps you are concerned about a privacy issue related to discussing same-sex relationships, and perhaps this is really side issue.

My best to you -- From the outside in, I see it as another opportunity to give and receive love!

OK so I see many people who have or do know a person who is gay or lesbian and have given some pretty good advice. Here is mine. I am a lesbian with twin daughters. My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years. The girls do ask questions and we answer their questions openly but also age appropriate. They know friends of ours that are gay and straight. They are exposed to all kinds of people and lifestyles. But they are very open minded and do not judge people on their home life or anything else that makes someone "different." Ya it may be a little different being raised in this family setting and being intruduced to it, but kids are smart. They get their beliefs and values from their parents. If one parent is showing apprehension and fear, they will pick up on the idea or feeling that their father is doing something wrong. If their father isn't trusted to have the kids 'alone' with his partner than that can install fear into the children. I am not saying that the partner should be trusted right away because you do not know him (just as if your husband was with a woman) and your children's best interest is the most important thing, but this is how homophobia is started. I am by no means saying that you are homophobic or are intending to teach your children this either. I am just asking that you put your fears and apprehensions aside while discussions come up with your children about their father and his partner. In this day and age where homosexuality is much more accepting it is becoming easier for children to be more accepting themselves. There are so many organizations out there for support. Not only your children, but for you. If your children ask you questions that you are not sure how to answer, do some research and you will find the best one to fit you and your family. If you think they are too young, don't answer it. But be careful because like I said before, kids are smart and will either get the answer from someone they trust or they will find the answer themselves and it may not be the one you want instilled in them.
When it comes to the kids meeting your husbands partner, try to get to know him some before and go off your gut instinct as a mother. I believe that is the best thing you can do.
I hope that you have not taken anything offensively or personally that I have said in this post. I am a very open lesbian and I strive to educate and assist people in situations like this. If you have any other concerns or questions you can feel free to ask me.
I wish you and your family the best.
S.

I guess you probably don't need any more advice, but I wanted to share two perspectives on this. One, my husband's father is gay. My husband's parents (more likely his mom) didn't want to tell him for a long time, so eventually, around the age of 15, he figured it out for himself. He confronted his dad, they talked about, and they've been extremely close ever since. Moral to this story: kids will figure it out. It's best to be as honest with them as their age and maturity warrant.

On the flip side, my uncle in Texas has a partner whom he's been with for well over 30 years. I didn't even know my uncle was gay until after I'd graduated from college. When my sister and I went with my dad to visit my uncle when were teenagers, the partner, who lives with my uncle, was nowhere to be seen. He was always referred to as the friend or roommate, though a small part of me did wonder why his name came up so much (no, it didn't dawn on me at all that he might be gay because I didn't even have a reference point for this at that time...it's not like today where so much is out in the open). Anyway, the sad thing is I've never met Ricky though he's been with my uncle for most of their adult lives. I don't even really know what he looks like! I think it's important for adults to share these aspects of their lives with children. It answers a lot of questions (and unanswered questions can breed resentment but also lead kids to come up with their own answers, which could be way off base), takes away the stigma of the situation, and teaches children tolerance, a Christian attribute that seems to be all to easily left by the wayside in our society.

S.,

What a kind and thoughtful mom you are. I am including you and your boys in my daily rosary.

Question: If your ex wanted to introduce you boys to his live in girlfriend...would this be any
easier?

My point is that he only sees his sons once a month and tries to call every night. This is not a father. This is a nice man in their lives. He is not doing the day to day..face to face work of fathering his sons and helping them to become men. You are.
If he had a serious girlfriend would this be different? Not really....all these little boys know is that they have a barely part time dad. Introducing a serious female or male friend to them only illustrates who is more important than they are...otherwise he would be more present for his sons. The fact that he has chosen to live his lifestyle in lieu of being a committed and celibate dad for his sons is astonishing to me.

I grew up with a disengaged dad...but he was there everyday. I never realized the importance of a GREAT father until I have witnessed my own husband doing the job superbly....and the results!

Youre instincts are correct. I would ask your ex to forego introducing his kids to anyone who may make the boys feel like they will have even LESS time with their part- time dad.
I would then ask him to move closer and be more of a real dad for his sons. (helping with homework, sports) In another year...your 10 year old will be in one of the hardest grades for boys harassing each other...he will need a solid man/dad to be there for him.

I feel for you. This one is tough. Stick to your instincts though.

C.

Hi S.,

I don't think this is such a difficult situation. 1) You and your x are friends, that's amazing on it's own. 2) Your x seems to be a patient man with a loving partner who both only want the best for the children and have accomodated your requests from the get go. 3) You sertainly seem to be an excellent parent and provider and 4) You have an amazing opportunity here to instill tolerance and understanding of all walks of life into your children. You have the unique chance to show your children what so many can not, how to love someone even when you may disagree with them. I would focus on continuing to live your life in a meaningful way showing your boys what you believe in and trust that your x will do the same. On antoher note, I don't think you have a right to ask your x to refrain from any public displays of affection that would be normal in a relationship. You wouldn't want to be asked not to kiss your husband in front of your children or cuddle while watching a movie (just examples of normal PDA). Why should have to be something other than themselves in their own home? If you hide this from your children then it becomes that which you are afraid of, an annomoly or abomination in your eyes. Put it out there in a loving an responsible but OPEN way and you will see that things are just fine.

Best of luck!
J. R.

Dear S.,
Sounds like you love your children and want to protect them from the sin of a male partner that your husband thinks is so important for them to meet. If this does occur, the children only need to know that DADDY has a roomate, not a lover and that if they do visit weekends or vacations, that Daddy knows to be daddy, not a lover in front of the children and hopefully they will each have their own bedroom. As you know, love the Daddy, not the sin. Daddy should only think of his sons, not the importance of his little boys to meet his PARTNER of choice. Did Daddy forget who he made a commitment to and why? When a marriage occurs, that committment is to God and his wife. Apparently God is not a part of Daddy's life and yet God is a part of yours. The boys in time will learn that homosexuality is a sin in God's eyes and that Daddy is a Daddy, not a father. They only have one Father and that is God. Listen to your heart and keep God's Word in your heart and your children's heart.

Hi S.,
I can totally appreciate your hesitation with this whole situation. My family has experienced a similar situation...my uncle was married, had 2 kids, and then divorced as he realized that he was gay. He was always very involved in his childrens' lives, and both boys have grown up to be amazing people, leading happy, productive lives. We've all discussed this as a family, and I think that it's really important that these types of things are not hidden from children. Children are so smart that they'll figure it out whether we tell them or not, so I think it's best to be open with them. It sounds like your husband is in a committed and healthy relationship, and that his partner has a genuine interest in becoming a part of his partner's childrens' lives. I think that's respectable and understandable. Allowing your children to meet him will introduce them to another way of life, one that was not necessarily chosen by those involved. Your ex and his partner cannot help that they're gay, and there's nothing wrong with them being gay. They're still great people, and your ex is still a great dad. While your boys will be curious at first, ultimately they'll see that it's still their dad, and that'll be it. Kids are very accepting, and only take on funky attitudes if that's what they're exposed to. So if you're strong and mature about it, and don't make it wrong to them, then they won't see it as wrong, and together you'll be able to handle any curiosity that comes upt later. Good luck with everything, I'm sure you'll handle it well.

It's ok for the boys to meet your ex partner but before they do just sit them down and explain to them the reason why your ex is with that person and make sure they understand what your are saying. Kids are very smart these days for you don't want any surprises when they arrived and that they would be prepared for the visit.

I'm a single Mom too raising a 6 year old and lately he's asking a lot of questions about girls body parts and boys body parts, which I sat him down and explain to him the differences. His father is married and live in the Poconos but has family in Brooklyn where we live, so he see him a lot and he's in his life a lot. When he's in Brooklyn he stay at our house and he's down a lot. My son now started to ask a lot of questions about why his father is not married to me instead of his wife and he has also approach his father about the same question which we both explain to him the situation. It has help him a lot to understand why and at the same time have a relationship with his father outside kids whom is much older than my so, ages 20, 28, 30,and 33 so my son is the baby for his dad. The kids and him get along beautifully but the wife is the jealous one which I keep my son away from her. He has run into her a few time but says nothing to my son when he's with his father, and his dad would not allow her to mess with him so that's a good thing, although I would like him to have a good relationship with her she's so jealous of him that it's eating her away and she told his father that she do not want to have anything to do with my son, so I keep him away from her.

Life is to short and she would have to answer to god in many ways especially where kids are concern, she has to live with herself knowing what she's doing to him but we don't and I told his father that many times, as long as my son is happy that's all that matters.

I hope this will help you in your situation.

Thanks,

R. M

S.-
My heart goes out to you as you face this very difficult situation. I am sure that you were dreading that day that you would have to guide your sons through this. Please know that children can be very open and accepting and they find the way to integrate this definition of their dad into their life.

I know that it will be hard for you to integrate your values around sexual orientation. Perhaps this can serve as a way to help you find acceptance and shift out of judging this as a right or wrong "choice." Your children will only benefit from your own grounding on this.

There are many straight exes out there who "choose" questionable, dangerous, unsupportive, etc. partners into theirs and their children's life. The best thing we can give our children being safe, supportive and dependable adults ourselves and model how adults love and support each other. The reality is that this can come from same gendered couples too.

Good for you that you are making the effort to keep your boys connected to their dad! Your careful thought and consideration and all this advance notice gives you a great chance to prepare the boys(and you) for this meeting. Your point about protecting each of you from this meeting is a good one because you can't do it forever. My girls are 8 and 10 and last year we told them that our best friends, who are like uncles to them, are gay. Up til then, they assumed they were roomates. Though it puzzled them at first, I thought the earlier exposure to the world's different folks will actually help them to cope and be open-minded. I think they're ready, and that they will need this time to adjust to their feelings, then yours, then later their peers'. You sound like you've provided a nurturing foundation, you'll still be there to field any questions and confusion. Most of all I think your kids will respect you more later for letting them see a clear picture of their dad. Good luck, let us know how it goes!

S.,
In this world today, the best thing you and your husband have to offer your boys is the friendship that you both share. Not many children have that in divorced parents.
In any new relationship that a mother or father get into, weather same sex or not, I think the wise decision in having the kids meet the new partner is to always introduce them as a friend until the kids can get to know them on that level. Makes the transition of finding out it's the new partner a little easier down the road. It's not unfair to your husband to expect him to play his cards that way. Good luck to you all. SOunds like you have a strong family. I know things will work out for everyone.

Hi S.,

I just want to tell you that I think you are an awesome mom in how you are trying to handle the situation. This certainly is a very trying circumstance and I think it is very big of you on how you are trying to handle it. I wish you and your boys all the best!

Dear S.,

I know I am a bit late on responding to you. You are a smart women who loves her boys and your heart is in the right. I am sure this has all passed by now, and I hope it all goes well for you. Be honest with your boys as kids can see through our "adult lies" As you stated you have your own beliefes and the kids will be expoused to yours most of the time and to dad's some of the time. We have to love the person, we do not have to agree with their life choices. My siblings have made choices that I don't agree with either but they know that I still love them and will be there for them.

Ultimately we each will have to decide on our own what we will do and we are the only ones that are held accountable for that. The most importatnt thing you can do is love your boys and be as truthful with them as you can for their age.

I hope you did meet your ex's partner before the boys. I think that is only common courtisy no matter if it is a man or a women. YOu are still the mom and need to be respected. Just as I am sure someday you will introduce someone to your ex.

God bless

J.

I know you have received several responses to this, but I agree and disagree with several.
First, YOU sound like a wonderful mother, and your ex-husband sounds like a wonderful man that loves his children and is taking great steps to "step-up" to the plate and do his responsibility as a father.
Second, I disagree with all the responses that this is not a religious issue. It sounds as if you disagree with your ex's lifestyle because of religious convictions. I commend you on that. As I do not judge or condem gays or lesbians, I do condem the sexual practice and lifestyle because I believe in what the Bible has taught me and I try to follow God's Word. As quoted from Shannon D, who is a lesbian, "They get their beliefs and values from their parents." Indeed they do!! As a christian, and an individual, Shelia, who do answer to? It should be God. As a mother, your family should answer to God as well.
Third, I think that you should tell your ex that you want to discuss these Godly issues to your children. Kids are smart, and they can distinguish that they should love their dad, but his choices for a partner and lifestyle are not Godly. You should re-inforce this with them all the time and into their adult lives!
Get your bible and read to them what it says. Here are some links that you can read and get scriptural verses from the bible on issues:
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=246
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=113
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=118
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=149
Fourth, you kids are certainly old enough to learn the biblical principals, know God is in charge or their lives and their family, and that they should be developing a personal relationship with Jesus. Do this with love. The great Commandment is to do out of love Mathew 22:36-40:
36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[b] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[c] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Your children, as yourself, should respect the other partner in discussing parenting issues, so that would include their spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends that will be involved. Just be sure to let you ex know that you will not incourage his lifestyle or decision for a partner with your children. Yes, you will have to give and take on issues, but above all take all this in prayer to God and let Him lead you; pray persistently for your ex, yourself and the direction of your family and children. I will be praying for you.
Melissa J.

When I was growing up my Uncle and his partner moved in with my family ( I was 9 and my brother 3.) They were never affectionate in front of us but they shared a room. I think it could be a good thing and yes there will be questions but it is also good to show the boys that everyone is different and teach them in a good way instead of hearing all the bad things kids can say on the playground when someone is different.
Maybe ask your ex to start slow and introduce him as a friend /roommate and ask him not to do any public affection or hand holding infront of the boys at this point.
Dont know if that helps best of luck.

Hi Shiela,
You might be sick of responses by now!! So I'll keep it short...
Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Whether Christian, Jewish, Agnostic, or whatever...we all need to teach love and acceptance of other cultures, religions, and yes--sexuality. You can instill your values to your kids while allowing them to see how other people in this big world of ours get along--even their dad. (By the way, some of most understanding, caring, and people of character and value that I know are gay.)
I hope I didn't offend, and good luck!
Angie

My best friend had his ex make his life very, very hard because of this issue. Keep in mind, "I'm a psycologist", that this is not a choice like so many religions would have us believe. It is the way some people's brains are "hardwired" but it is not hereditary. Do as others have advised, go slow, do a family thing together and remember that we are all God's children no matter the "choices" we make. I commend the way you've gone about this, looking before you leap. Going slow and letting them form thier own opinions is really best for all concerned. S. Q

Since this is going to be the first time your children are going to meet the significant other, be sure to introduce him as Daddy's friend, not Daddy's boyfriend. Once you and your ex get the feel of how your boys will like the new friend, then judge from there. Don't just introduce him as the boyfriend right off the bat, then you will be flodded with questions and they could think that someone is trying to take daddy away from them.

I understand it is hard for you, the first introduction always is, but at least this way your sons will be able to grow up with a more understanding knowledge.

I've only read some of the responses, so I hope this is not a repeat.

A couple of things:

-Let them meet. Your ex doesn't need to explain in detail what is expected of in a gay relationship, he doesn't even need to tell them he's gay. The boys are still pretty young, and when they meet his "very good friend," they will either not notice or figure it out sooner or later for themselves. They can ask questions on a need-to-know basis, and if they don't understand some things, explain that it'll be something they understand as they get older.

-Your ex is in a serious relationship, whether it be with a man or woman, and wants to share his pride and joy with his partner. This doesn't make him less of a father. Instead, rather more of a partner. This meeting should be a one time deal though, but your ex should be able to mention his partner freely, thereafter. Then the boys will eventually decide for themselves if they want to or are comfortable hanging out with their father and his partner, or "friend" if they haven't figured it out yet, by asking for him. Or if they're not ready to share their dad yet, that'll prob be apparent too. How long did you wait to introduce your boyfriend to the kids? Maybe you can model the situation similarly.

-This whole situation can turn out to be an invaluable life lesson, teaching them about not judging people that might be different from one another or have different beliefs, and making nondiscriminant judges of character.

-Lastly, just email this request and all the responses directly to your ex. I think there's a button at the top of the page to do that. Maybe you guys can brainstorm of an agreeable way to handle this together.

Pray. God will help you through this.
Patty

Hi S.,
It sounds like you're doing a great job!
I'm a mother of twin boys who are now 17. I am also the adult daughter of a divorced couple. Hopefully, I have some perspective that will be useful. Someday, your boys will be adults, and all four of you will be reflecting. We only saw our father once each month, and I always resented the fact that my father would insist on including his girlfriend (who he eventually married) on all of our outings with him. I could have waited until AFTER the wedding to meet her. I never cared if he had a long parade of women in his life, or men for that matter, as long as he would give whatever he had of himself to me and my brothers. The time with dad is for the parent and the child. Why does your Ex feel that it's so important to impose his lover upon his children? If they were residing with him, it would make a certain amount of sense, but they live with you and have very little time with him. He shouldn't spoil it for the boys. He needs to put THEM first. He's the adult. In view of the added complications that are an inherent feature of this relationship, he should tread lightly and slowly. You have to be discreetin your relations, don't you? Why doesn't he? The children should supercede our own desires. Keep praying about it, and don't make a decision in any direction until you are completely at peace with that decision.

Hi S.,

I know that this is a very difficult situation for you but one that you have to face. Your husband sounds like a great dad and I am sure if he thought that meeting his prtner would damage your sons he would not do it. In todays world same sex families are becoming the norm. At your childrens ages I dont think that they will be shocked and in the long run it may well be better for them to deal with this issue now than to wait til they are teenagers and more sensitive. I think that your boys will take this all in stride and will be just fine. Give your ex the benefit of the doubt. And maybe if it would make you more comfortable you could be with them when the meeting takes place so if things get sticky you can take the kids. Its not your choice but its also not one that you can change. Your children are smart and will eventually figure it out. I say let them meet the partner and just take things slowly from there. make sure that their questions are answered honestly and in a way that they can understand. Good luck and God Bless! It will be OK.

Just wanted to say you are a wonderful Mom and seem to be handling this very well. I hope the visit is a positive experience for you and your boys. Being a child from divorced parents like myself is difficult enough, but this life has definitely brought us more challenges. I hope you find a man to make you happy as well as your children. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful step-dad. Good Luck!
Ryan's Mom -L.
www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan

My dad is gay & had affairs with men on my mom. It is a really long story, but they are still together and obviously not in love. I really beleive we all would have been better off had they seperated and went their own ways; like you and your husband did... however hard that was to go through. I have 14 siblings & didn't find out about my dad until I was 16. It was not the best timing for me personally, but it did help me to better understand my dad and some of what he must have been going through... it explained a lot about him and how unhappy he was at home.

Your kids are young and may not understand the finer details of whats happening, but it is better to handle it now and let them deal with it however they will, then to wait and risk them loosing trust for you and your ex (I felt like I had been lied to). It sounds like the two of you have done your best to be resposible about it all and really have your childrens best interest in mind... that is a huge start. I would recommend easing them into it now and just keep the details of it all age appropriate (emphasizing the love and not the sexual aspect of your ex's relationship)

E. Z.

S.,
Coming from a family that had a brother(RIP) who was gay, my children never knew of his personal lifestyle. It was probably because my brother was an under cover gay guy. I don't know what your ex's situation is but I think now days, children know far more than we think. With me is started out with ?s like why is my uncle so cut but dont have a girlfriend. And why doesn't uncle have children when he is in his 30's. They pick up things at school and even being around the source. This is definetely a touchy topics. sexuality should be kept private. I am with you on the religious beliefs too. As long as the two of them sont show any affection in front of the boys they will be fine. I think with time, if they feel comfortable with their father and the partner that the father should take the responsibility to answer the questions or the two of you sit with a counselor to figure out the best strategy. I know that he does not feel good about how he has feelings for the same sex but we all deserve to be loved. And sounds like he loves his children enough to keep his personal sexuality issues away from the children until you are even comfortable and I respect him for that :) Be Blessed!

I know that you have already responded to the responses, so to speak, and I didn't read them all but there are a few things that I feel maybe went unsaid. I love and respect the relationship you have maintained with your ex and obviously feel he is respectful to your wishes and a good father. I can also respect you have deep religious beliefs on the subject but we have to remember as parents that our children will not grow up in box. They will be exposed to gay men and subject matter in school, in the community, and in the media. To shelter them from an important aspect of their father's life could backfire and they could resent you later for inhibiting an open relationship with their father. Your kids are at an age now where acceptance is easy and they may be able to develop a functional and loving relationship with their father and his partner. I think it is particularly ridiculous to think just because his partner is a gay man he will be a pedifile. You are more likely to encounter a heterosexual pedifile.I agree that you should meet him first as I would with any of my ex's girlfriends.You do have the right to protect your children just be sure that you are not biased by your beliefs by . Based on the amount of respect you seem to have for your ex and the amount of love he seems to have for his children, it is reasonable to think he would be just as protective of his children and would not allow anyone to be around his kids that would do anything but enrich their lives.

Also, being that your ex is gay, at some point in their lives they will need to meet your ex's partner. Be careful how hyper critical you are of the gay lifestyle (and I am not saying to not adhere and express your own beliefs, just be careful you are not presenting it as if it is a critisism of their father to the point that they resent you later).
Talk to your ex about how his partner will initially be introduced (friend etc.). they are so young they probably won't understand this anyway yet.
One last thing, remember that your husband is being respectful of you and your beliefs. But, he doesn't have to. At some point he could decide to just introduce him later and then will they wonder why you had kept them from them? I hope this provides a different prospective and I hope that you find your way with this situation.

Wow, that is a delicate situation and I applaud you and your ex for being considerate to your boys. If you are uncomfortable with telling the boys everything about your husband and his partner, perhaps in the first meeting the partner should be introduced as a friend. Then after a while, as the kids find out more about him and get comfortable around him, they can learn the extent of the relationship. I do think that kids are resilient and will be accepting as long as you are positive about the relationship and your ex. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Hi - haven't read all the responses - seems you've gotten a wide spectrum of advice. You have some great resoources in your area that might be helpful for those difficult questions that will continue to come up as the boys grow through different developmental stages: COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) has info that I found helpful. 415-861-KIDS. The best advice I would offer is be honest - kids can tell and it models honesty - and that life doesn't always present easy black & white situations. It sounds like you are both loving parents and the boys are lucky.
-S.

Dear S., First of all, I want you to know just how much I admire you for your great strength. Your situation is a very difficult one, but I understand what you're thinking of and worried about. Gosh! I wish we could just pick up the phone and talk about it all! Without getting too much into my own past, I can tell you that I've had many of the same concerns. Through time, I've learned that we need to follow our instincts and "trust" until we have reason not to. I know that's difficult when it comes to our boys...as I can tell you love your boys as much as I love mine. If I were in your situation, I'd ask my ex if it were possible that you and the boys meet his partner together. You mentioned that you haven't met him yet. Well, this is the time. Your instincts will serve you well upon the first meeting. If you sense that your boys are uncomfortable, you'll be there to give them the support they may need, but look at it as innocently as possible because your boys may not be ready to ask the inevitable questions, even if they are mulling the ideas around in their heads. They'll ask when they're ready. The Godfather of one of my sons has a male partner. My son never thought of the situation as being odd. He just looked at himself as being lucky to have two Godfathers instead of one. The great thing is, I've learned that some of the surprises that have been handed to me in life have been really pleasant ones. We often ask ourselves more "what if" questions than need be. Get to know the new partner, keep an open mind, and I bet you'll end up friends in no time. I'm sure trusting is an issue, but you seem like a woman of great faith. Taking that first step will be the most difficult, but the most important in opening up the paths of communication. By the way, I thought I should add that I feel safer leaving my son with his Godfather than I do leaving my girls with my cousin and her husband. We need to follow our instincts. You seem to have good ones...Just keep loving your boys with all your heart! If you need the extra support, let me know. I'm only an hour and a half away from SF. I'd love to find out how it goes. I encourage you to write back, if you ever feel inspired to do so. D.

Shiela,

I wouldn't worry to much about it,kids at that age understand and seem to adapt very well. I have a male friend who also lives that life style recently they took in a foster child the age of 9 we didn't know how he was going to react to the whole situation so I being a friend and outsider had the oppertunity to speak to the child prior to the transition took place. The child seemed a bit confused at first and had alot of questions but by the time we finished with our visit I asked him how he felt? He seemed to understand and said he was okay with it,so the following day was the big move in.
Well I guess you want to know how he is doing, he is doing vary good and is vary happy! He has adjusted vary well and to tell you the truth they may get to see him more often as they would the truth and be able to go vistit him at his house. The facts are is that you are not going to change your ex-husbands life style and wether you like it or not it is what it is, I understand your concerns but to tell you the truth I think it will be okay. It is probably harder for you to understand and digest than it will be for the boys.
Good luck im sure it will all work out.

L. Villa-Dolan

Remember that God's grace forgives all sins, whether real or perceived. I personally think someone in any kind of committed relationship is in a much better place than someone single and jumping from bed to bed, or a "committed" person who is cheating or beating a spouse.
I agree with the responses that advise you to meet the partner with your sons. And that the kids do not have to know the details of the relationship any more than they need to know the details of a heterosexual relationship. Accepting their father and helping them feel ok about loving him, not guilty about it, will go a LONG was toward their spiritual and psychological well-being. Good luck and God bless!

It seems that you've gotten enough advise to help you make your decision, but I just wanted to say I commend you for going about it the right way by taking it slow and not making any knee jerk reactions. You seem like you are a very good mother with your childrens best interests at heart. If it were me, I would hope to be as fair about it as you are being, and dont feel bad for taking your time to think about it. That is a very touchy situation and its nice that your ex-husband is being so understanding about it. Its easy for all of us to sit here and give our opinions (some of them so one-sided, its ridiculous) or advise, but only some of us are in your position and until we're put in that same situation, would never know how we;d react. I think that as long as your ex-husband is present at all times while your children are in the company of his partner, and they leave the intimate details out of it, I would think you introduce them to it in small doses. Obviously, dont let your children see them sleep in the same bed, or act intimate around them. For right now, let them think they are roommates or just friends, and once their old enough to understand, then explain it to them at the right time and very delicately. In the future I would hope that people like Pat would keep her one sided opinions to herself. You were asking about advise on how to broach the situation, not remove "the curse" from your children. Its not a choice, and obviously not a curse. Its sad that closed minded people like that cant see that people comes in all different shapes and sizes, and then judge them for it. I wish you luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hi S.,
I certainly understand your delimma here. Let me just share a bit of personal experience. My husband is the son of a gay man and his mother went through a similar situation that you're going through many years ago after they divorced. My husband's father lived away and had a life partner whom he wanted to be a part of my husband's life. Despite my mother-in-law's strong religious convictions and broken heart about the divorce, she allowed my husband to vacation with his father and his father's boyfriend periodically and see them for what they were. My husband is one of the most tolerant people I've ever met because of it. The whole experience allowed him to see that everyone is different and diversity is good. As long as you are a loving person, that's all that really matters. Both my husband's father and his boyfriend died of AIDs several years later. He is so blessed to have had the time he did with his dad and he misses him every day. We just had a little girl and I know that we'll instill in her the kind of tolerance and kindness that we expected the rest of the world to give my husband's father and his mate.

That said, I hope you'll consider letting your boys get to know their father for who he is, knowing that your ex will approach the situation in a loving, open-minded way. I think your boys will be better people for it. I send you strength...

Hilary

Hi S.,

When I was faced with a similar issue, I found great comfort in the words of Elders Dallin H. Oaks and Lance B. Wickman:

http://www.newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/public-issues...

Your situation is very difficult, but remember that the Lord will provide a way to accomplish his will. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys.

Hope I'm not repeating anything but I didn't notice a post addressing this part of the issue. If your boys go to school and hang out with other boys they may very well already have negative ideas about the gay thing and they will have to struggle with that as well. My child was brought up in a home with liberal views and his Uncle is gay. However he still came home making the "that's gay" remarks etc. At his age and in our culture which, whatever you may think is extremely macho, boys are made to feel shame about even the remotest possiblity of "gayness". Therefore I would recommend some help by a professional and no way would I just let their dad spring this on them because it will be a big deal, no matter how accepting one is. Good luck and God bless.

Here is my thoughts... as if you need more! I personally have a hard time understanding your uncomfort, but my religious convictions cause me to be all-accepting. That aside, I won't judge you that, that's not the point of my post. Here's the thing. This is your son's DAD. He's not some in the closet gay uncle. They WILL find out that he is gay eventually. They are already old enough to understand it. The sooner they find out, the easier of a time they will have with it. They are still young enough that it really doesn't mean anything to them. My parents have a really good friend that is gay and I always knew that he was gay... even as a very young child I guess. I never thought twice about it. Young children don't carry the same baggage that adults do of judgment. The sooner they understand the situation the less of a big deal it will be and the more equipped they will be to deal with comments from friends etc. later on... assuming they would be any. I don't know what your community is like but I live in DC and there are plenty of gay parents (most with adopted kids) at our school and none of the kids seem to question it at all. It's a complete non-issue. So I would bite the bullet and deal with the situation that you are having a hard time with. You won't avoid it, it won't go away, and the longer you wait the more your boys will regret the two of you hiding things from them.

S., I know this must be so difficult for you. I am a single mom as well, but I can't say I have had the same experience as you regarding my ex.

Here is one way to think about it....this is something that is not going to go away. It's something that you and your boys will have to face at some point or another. You will never be completely ready so you might as well face it now and get it over with. I really believe that being honest and open is going to teach your kids a much more important value than whether or not their dad is dating a man or a woman. I think it also teaches them to not be ashamed of who they are. If you keep them from your ex-husband’s way of life too much longer, they might get the opposite message. Just one person’s thoughts….

Goof luck and be strong!

hi S.,
even though your kids are young, i think they will understand on some level and later, will appreciate the honesty you and your ex gave them. it is an issue that can't be shielded from them forever. i had an uncle growing up that had a life partner, and since i learned this at a young age, i didn't think anything was odd or wrong, which it isn't. kids are accepting. people are different. i see the delicate issue since it is their father involved, but honesty is best. start slow, answer questions as they come, and just be honest. also, maybe contact a family therapist for advice. good luck.

I am a sibling of 4...3 girls and 1 boy. Mt brother is gay and 1 sister a lesbian. I grew up with a gay Aunt, a gay male cousin and my Mother, a clothing designer, having gay friends and clients (drag queens). Yet when my brother came out to me it was a bit strange. Although I accept it and love him it will always be different because I am straight. Whenever one doesn't understand something they either fear it, doubt it or condemn it...acceptance is the most difficult one because we have to do work in our hearts and minds.
Fear, doubt and condemnation are easy because it is comfortable and common.

What helps in understanding on a spiritual level we all have a soul mate or a best mate for us in this lifetime. Since we are in the "Age of Aquarius" we will see all types of colorful things come out of people. Due to Karma and/or past lifetime issues we need what is called a path of correction. On this path we ALL go through different experiences...one being gay others being abused some health issue or financial issues others being whole with health wealth, wealth heterosexual love and happiness. Whatever it is, it is what we need to do our maximum growth. As long as individuals don't do anything to harm others and they live happy in their way it is all okay.

Society gives us a picture of what is "perfect" unfortunately until the end of time the world we live in won't look that way inside or out.

My suggestion to you is to teach your children to love and accept people for who they are...not to judge. They best and most successful way is living by example (even if you have to fake it until you make it) children are very smart and feel the effort. I am sure as much as your ex is happy to come out and be in the lifestyle he has always been, but suppressed, it is difficult for him too. Seeing your support and effort will make it easier and happier all around.
GOOD LUCK!!!

hi S.-- i agree with christe--this is not an issue of Dad's sex life--the issue is that he's chosen to put his sex life before the raising of his kids...whether it's with a man or another woman is not the point. he's decided to be an 75% absent dad. instincts are essential here. i would keep the main focus on time with Dad, not time with the friend--or anything that detracts from kids-dad relationship. there's plenty of time for that later. the kids are growing up NOW. there are no "do-overs" and the relationships he builds now will play a BIG part in how they negotiate life's curve-balls as they go thru the hard teen years. they need a rock. it's Dad's job to BE there for them, not somewhere else. i agree with christe--he should move closer--and BE there. they need him. otherwise he ends up being disneyland dad, and you play the hard-guy. i commend you for working so hard on peace and harmony, for your kids' sake, but stick to your guns on this one. there's no substitute for parenting, and you can't do it from a phone. Boys learn how to BE daddies from watching their daddies. on a final note, i'm afraid religion has gotten a bad rap throughout this thread, when in fact, it can really help us to steer a straight course. unfortunately, the question of WHAT God really thinks of gays is up for debate. If I may offer this: I believe the Church at large has truly decided that the jury is still out--some may be born that way, some may migrate in that direction, feeling as though a same-sex relationship will fill a previously un-filled void. i don't think we have all the answers, but i do know this. God most assuredly has admonished us to be non-judgemental,kind, loving, etc., but also to use prudence--especially where our children are involved. Love and Prayers for your hard decisions..., M. w.

Is sounds like you have a great start with your family. The most important thing is to treat your children with the same respect you would want yourself. You can explain your viewpoints and how they differ from your ex-husband. The kids have already picked up on some of what's going on, they are usually quite aware. It is your duty to provide them with the wherewithal to survive and the subject of homosexuality is a fact of life. As is the fact of male and female bodies designed to reproduce the race. We do not have to endorse it to recognize it. It may not be what we even think is sane or good but it is here. If your boys have access to modern media they already know something of it and probably have their own opinions about it. The fact of what happened to your marriage is something that they are living through. So, stay in touch with them, communicate with them and guide them to the best of your ability. Most of all remember that children are people too.

JC

First I will start by saying that I agree with Nicole that this is not a religious issue so much as a parenting issue and putting your beliefs aside is important to get through the inisitial introductions.
I do however have a small issue with how Bethany put her response. I agree 100% that we must protect our children, but there must also be some trust in the relationship of each person involved, including you! You perhaps should meet your ex-husbands parnter before agreeing to your sons meet him. I do agree that at least in the begining the boys should not be left alone with him, as much to protect them from possible harm as to allow them time to become accustome to this change in their lives. I would also suggest speaking with your ex about the degree of displays of affection in front of the boys until they are comfortable with this change.
Remember kids are resitiant and love you and their dad so no matter what you choice it will all work out in the end. Also remember that just because they will be exposed to this life style choice does not mean they will choose it for themselves. The more open you both are about it now the less they will have to be curious about during their growing years when they are trying to discover themselves.