Dealing with an Not So Nice Ex-wife/mother

Updated on February 23, 2008
D.H. asks from Huntington Beach, CA
49 answers

Has any one had to deal with a not so nice ex-wife/mother? I am a new mother of a 9-month old boy with my fiance whom has a 8 year old son from his first wife. She has truly made our lives miserable from the instant she found out we were pregnant. We have just spent close to $16000 in recent court costs because she wishes to take his first son out of our lives as much as possible, luckily the judge saw differently and we still have a 50/50 custody arrangement. My issue here is that I am so angry with her and it shows in our household. How do I find some peace and not want to just tell her off every time I see her or hear her voice on the phone? I know it is starting to affect my relationships here in this household and I truly want to find some peace in the situation. Has anyone else had similar experiences and have any advice?

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S.A.

answers from Las Vegas on

I am reading a book called co parenting with a Jerk . It has allot of helpful information

Good Luck

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T.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi,

I have been in kinda the same situation and spent thousands of wasted dollars on attorney's. The best thing to do is try to make it work for all of you. I had to and it's so much better when everyone gets along instead of the constant fighting which did no one any good.

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D.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

From my experience the best way to handle is be the best actress you can and nice her to death. The nicer you are the less reason she has to be a b.... Others will see this and know if she is, it's all her fault. Notice I did not say this would be easy, just the best way to handle it.

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B.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi D. H,
This type of behavior is more common than most admit these days, however...let's find a way to work things out.
Mediation with a third party (professional counselor) for the three of you ... you, your spouse and your spouses ex.
Some courts appoint this measure to help iron out the agonizing characters that come out of a "break-up", to benefit the children involved.
There's got to be some heart to heart talk...boundaries set... and above all the realization that what you all do DOES affect the children. So...first and foremost...talk to your spouse to be and share your thoughts. Tell him that a mediator is the answer to the resolve to the future of this relationship.
Find someone who will assist in this process through a family counseling center in your area.
Or ask the court to appoint one for you all.
A happy healthy relationship between you all will produce a happy healthy home life for your children.
A pro can bring resolve. Third parties see things we have tendency to miss.

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K.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

You got into the situation knowing full well there was an ex-wife/mother. If your child was away from you 50% of the time, what would you do!?!? Put yourself in her shoes. You should understand more now that you are a mother too. If your son someday had a step-mother you would want her to speak highly of you no matter what. Do what's best for the child, not yourself.

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S.M.

answers from Reno on

D.,
My husband's ex-wife is an absolute nightmare! I won't bother you with details, as they are irrelevant, but throughout our 13 year relationship, she's been nothing but a misery. My greatest regret is that I let her influence my relationship with my step-daughter. If you can, please find the strength to keep your negative feelings for her separate from her son, from your husband, and therefore (indirectly) from your new child. Killing my husband's ex with kindness is the only thing that I've found effective, and unfortunately, I discovered this little trick too late. While your husband's son is young, you have to play nice, but as soon as he's old enough to drive and to have a cell phone, your interactions with his mother will diminish and it's WONDERFUL when that happens! Right now, it may seem as if that time is so far away, but I promise, it'll sneak up on you. Channel your anger for her into something positive for your children, otherwise, she wins and your kids lose. And where possible, make your husband be the one who interacts with his ex-wife. There isn't any reason why you should have to subject yourself and your child(ren) to her negative energy. I wish you LUCK! If your husband's ex is as bad as mine, you're in for a long ride. Hang in there.
S.

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L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I really can't say that I've gotten there. My stepdaughter is 17 now. His ex turned us in to the DA when she found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. We were paying her and had arrangements, but its hell so we barely make it and her and her husband are rich. When I first met my husband his ex had a new house with a new guy and I spent so much time with my stepdaughter because the mom was so screwed up. I will never regret that time Sarah is the reward out of all the pain all the sacrifice I do love that girl. I wish her mom understood how much I really have done for her she had years of free babysitting and I loved, I was'nt some freak that hurt her kid. Lifes hard and love definately costs us. I hope if you figure it out you let me know

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A.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have 2 step-children that are now 11 and 9. I have been with my husband since they were 3 and 1. His ex-wife freaked when she found out I was pregant also. Is his ex-wife married? If she is not or in a troubled relationship that could be part of your problem. In my situation, she thought she had my husband on the back burner when hers left her. Then when I was pregnant she realized it was not the case and went nuts on my husband. She does very little to take care of the kids. She has a housekeeper that basically does everything for the kids. The kids don't take a bath at her house b/c she can't be bothered. They are dressed like beggars all the time. The list goes on and on. There is nothing you can do except not let her interfere in your life. If she is anything like the ex-wife I have to deal with, she would love nothing more than your marriage to break up. You need to do what you have to do and let your husband handle her. I went to counseling for this same problem b/c we fought all the time. Ultimately, it is his responsibility. You can be supportive and help out with his son but that is all you can do. Also, he should handle the communication with her. That is the only way you can kind of remove yourself from all of this and have a life again. I know how hard it is. Good Luck.

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J.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

Yes. It took 25 years to heal and hurt the children and our relationship by taking the joy and innocence out of it prematurely. Based on what I learned the hard way, here's my thoughts.

Think of her as "in a world of pain and hurt" instead of "not so nice". What are the circumstances of their parting? Even if she kicked him out, even if you came on the scene after they parted, this is not how any woman with a young child wants her life to be, so she's acting out. If you were the other woman, she's not only disappointed in her life, she has you and him and your happiness as a focus to project her misery onto. Until she starts to inquire into her own states of consciousness, nothing you do or don't do will change her behavior. So stop trying. Good to know, right?

She wants to heal her inner pain by hurting your fiance. Your peace is disturbed, you're spending money. She's succeeding, right?

You can stop this by stopping resisting. Aikido power. We resisted for five years spending oodles of money on court-ordered visitation. cost so much my husband had to moonlight on weekends to pay for it, leaving me alone on weekends with our new child. He was having a hate affair with her - takes up as much energy as a love affair. Just opposite sides of the coin. I was invisible. All our spiritual energy went into strategizing the next court case, our emotional energy went to resenting her, our financial energy went bye bye. Finally, one day, we saw the light. The light came in the form of his three children whimpering in a corner from all the stress between their parents. We "had" them bodily, is was our "right". But what did we actually have? We stopped the fight. We let her have the kids full time. He said to them: I won't fight with your mother anymore. I'm your father and will always be your father and I will take an interest in you, send you love every day and see you when I do. We said to ourselves, she has to heal in her own space without losing her children on top of losing her husband and dream of being a "family". My husband only saw his children at public events (school events) and even there he kept an energitic low profile. The kids "understood" what he was doing. Kids are intutive, as you know. As they got older she began to send them our way from time to time for short visits - mostly to "show" them what a shithead their father is ... but, still they came and we got to see them. As they got cars they came over on their own. There's still alot of parenting left to do from the time kids a self-mobile at 15 until they turn 25 - and beyond. He/we were KEY in all their lives during that time. Eventually their mother got over it and now we are all one happy family with grandkids and all.

Finally, you say: "My issue here is that I am so angry with her ... for [making] our lives miserable " I would encourage you to question this thought. One way to do it is to read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Doing "the work" on your thought, "she is making our lives miserable" will have you asking if that's really true. Is SHE really "making" your life miserable? With the thought, Katie teaches, you are miserable. Without the thought, who would you be? Then, "the work" will guide you to turn your complaint around, for example: "I am making our life miserable", or "She is not making our life miserable", or "My life is not miserable". There's also a web site www.thework.com

I believe that all our life's miseries are the doorway to our life's purpose - we just have to walk through it before we find out what it is. I also think it's a fantasy that we should be able to just shift around our affiliations and mix and match babies, husbands, and marriages as though these connections are just skin deep. It was very hard for me to accept that my wonderful new love has and will ALWAYS have a close connection to a woman who is not me and to children who are THEIRS, not mine. I played my role in inwardly, if shamefully, revelling in their fight as evidence that he really was choosing me/us over her/them. This competitiveness, usually at the expense of the children in the middle, to me, is the shadow side of womanhood.

Thanks for asking. Obviously, I had alot to get off my chest too. Sending you clear skies.

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M.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Yes I have two of these! One is my ex-husbands girlfriend and the other is my husbands ex-wife! Both are very unhappy people much like your husbands ex. DON'T TAKE IT ON! It's not about you, it's about her. In yoga, we learn to become the observer, where you step back and look at the person or situation from a place of non-attachment. If you step back and release your own emotions around the situation, (and my new husband and I have been to court for 6 years and spent more money than I would like to remember!), you can start to see her for the struggling human being that she is and start to send her forgiveness and love. I KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS! But if you can start, you will soon realize that you are no longer carrying all of these toxic feelings inside and what is left is for her to deal with what she is putting out there. Every time you don't react, she is left with nothing but herself. Every time she comes at you, sit down, take a breath and let go. If you sit back at let her do all of the dancing, she will eventually get tired and in the meantime, you can move on and enjoy your new life with your husband. GOOD LUCK! PS I offer life/divorce coaching, yoga and healing. Look at Moksha Dharma!

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A.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

The thing you need to do is stop thinking of the amount of money you've spent in court costs. If the ex is truly not so nice and wants to make your lives miserable, she'll find an excuse to go to court whenever possible, and if that's the case, $16,000 will look like a bargain when you look back at the last 10 years [once your step-son is 18]. It'll be difficult, especially since you have a little one to think of as well, but you'll absolutely need to do so, otherwise it'll be yet another source of anger in your life, in addition to dealing with the issues the ex WILL cause in your everyday life. I've been married 6 years now and have an 11-year old step-son [we've lived together since my step-son was 3 years old], and the ex STILL attempts to cause drama in our everyday lives and is constantly looking for reasons to go to court [we've shared 50% custody since my step-son was 5 years old, and were granted primary custody since the age of 8]. All this and my husband and my step-son's Mom weren't even married! The biggest piece of advice I can give, is remember that it's NOT the child's fault and he absolutely NEEDS to be loved.

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D.B.

answers from Las Vegas on

My husband has and ex and his kids are all grown now and their Mother is still a bad word.We have been married 14 years they are divorced 21 years and the only time we deal with is for my grandchildrens birthdays, even then she makes life miserable. I wish she would get over her divorce and go on. she was married for 10 years to another man and had a child with him and she got divorced and now helps support him . I really hate her. The best you can do is not to put her down in front of the kids and try to get her out of your mind when you have the kids. Good luck

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L.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

My husband and I agreed that we would never let HER cause us to argue. We were a team... that worked most of the time but not all! I also wrote my step-son's mom a letter expressing to her my intentions (to be the best step-mom I could be, a good wife to my step-sons dad, etc) and that I would never try to replace her, etc. It was a slow process that hasn't been pain-free but we've arrived at a place that works.

If that doesn't sound possible the eliminate the problem areas - have her communicate in writing/email rather than calling, have drop-offs / pick-ups done on neutral groud, etc.

Good luck!

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T.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi D.~
when my husband and I married about 6 yrs ago, he had 2 children from his previous marriage. Luckily I was appointed as a legal guardian to them (then 2,3yrs.old, and now 9,10yrs. old). He has had them in his custody since pretty much birth of the second one, and I have raised them as a stay at home mom!
I have had to "deal" with the ex/mother, and let me tell you it was NOT pretty!! She will forever be jealous that someone else has a say so in her children's lives, and there is not anyone can do about that!
I have learned that although I am their mother now, we still have to deal with her and we do let the kids see her.
But I have learned to let my husband deal with her. It seems to keep more peace!
Her pettyness, will soon deminish quickly! When she realizes that your not going anywhere, and your not giving in to her then she will become easy to deal with more. Eventually, hopefully like in my case, she will come to her senses and see that you are a mom too and respect that!
Since then we have had one child together, and now expecting another.
she has realized that I am not just a "care taker", that I am infact her kids mom too.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't perfect on our part, but it is a start, and she is slowly coming to her senses. But I still let my husband deal with her, and it just keeps peace with us. My kids don't see my frustration with her, and that is the most healthy, and important thing!!!
After all.. we all here to who have responded, married men with ex/mothers. This was our decision, and we need to make sure these children are not affected!

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L.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am in a very similar situation - Thank God that the legal system is starting to understand Father's rights!! It is very hard not to carry the anger you have for that one bitter woman into your family. Try to think of it this way...if she "ruins your day" she has achieved her goal, which is to make you as miserable as she is. It is jealously, pure & simple. She is jealous of the life you know have. Feel pity for her - not anger. There is no reason you should have to deal with your husband's ex - that is his job. (I have successfully avoided this for 7 years!) I've also helped my husband learn to deal with her in a business manner - if she becomes abusive or argumentative the conversation is over. Simply hang up or delete e-mails. The sad truth is as your step-son gets older, he will see his mother for what she really is AND appreciate the loving, stable environment he gets with you. My step-daughter is 12, even though we shield her from all we can, she resents spending time with her Mom because she is badgered about everything our family is doing. The bond with her mother was broken when our son was born. Our step-daughter adores her baby brother - and the feeling is mutual. She did not stand for her mother trying to mess with that relationship! Does the ex still bug me: YES! When that happens, I take out my aggressions by tendering the steak for dinner!! If you need to vent...I'm hear for you!

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C.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi D.,

Telling her off is probably making you lose respect for yourself. Now that the judge protected you, you are in a better position to wear an 'acrylic shield' when you interact with her. If she is mean, critical, or controlling with you you can let her problem 'roll off' your 'shield'. "When the whirly birds whirl, LET THEM WHIRL!" Her craziness doesn't have to penetrate your peace.

Blessings,

C. A.

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D.T.

answers from San Diego on

Both my husband and I are previous married with children from the marriage. We now have a beautiful 8mo little girl too. What we have learned is that you cannot change the ex's behaviors. You cannot be responsible for what they tell the other children. As much as you want to, do not bash the other parent. I know that it is hard as both our ex's owe thousands in child support and still demand visitation that they expect us to pay for. We are lucky enough to have sole custody of our children. Keep a diary if she makes threats or accusations. The courts eventually see through the muck. If a parent is harming the child through fighting with the ex, they will get on the parent about it. As I said we have sole custody, but it was not handed to us and I had to fight in another state.
Be supportive of your step-son. You and your fiance need to be on the same page on discipline and dealing with the ex. We have a rule in the house that we do not talk to the ex unless it is about school/sports/something major in their life. We keep them at an arms distance and do not include them in the daily things. It may be hard for you since you share custody, but you can separate her from you and your fiance's lives. Do not depend on her to act like an adult. She is hurt and will lash out in any way possible. I still have to go to court every once in a while and deal with my ex, although I have had custody for almost 2 years now. Hope this helps.

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H.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi,

I had sort of the same problem with my Ex when we fist split. He would call me incessantly to "talk to the kids" then end up yelling at me for hours. I got my oldest a cell phone of her own (she was 9 at the time) I refused to answer calls from him on my phone and would only communicate through text messages and email. This way, he could still call the kids daily anytime he wanted, and I didn't have to talk to him unless it was on my terms. This helped tremendously. To this day we still choose to communicate mostly by what I refer to as "E-Talk" to keep tempers in check. Good luck!

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C.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's called "Baby Mama Drama", and it is something you have to learn to deal with on your own terms. It is hard and it does affect your relatiionship, and especially with your husband. The best thing to do is to let him deal with her, because after all they have the child together. You will have to bite your tongue more times than I or you could count, but eventuallyshe will realizie than "you" have a child to rasie and you refuse to play petty games. It got so ridiculous with us that we started petitioning the courts to have her pay half the court costs; and that was a big eye opener for her. It will all be worth it when you see the relationsip blossom between the two children. Pray a lot, and during these times patience is truly a virtue, love what you have and keep that before your eyes. It will work out.

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S.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

If she is not around or affecting your immediate situation try not to think about her or say anything about her. I had a similar situation with the same dislike toward my boyfriend's ex-wife. Once I made peace with her being who she is and I just have to do my best to work around her the anger went away and turned more to pity. She is such a worthless person she has to damage those around her. DON'T give her that power over you or your family! Enjoy every moment of your life as if it were the last and she won't matter anymore.

As for the money spent to keep your son in 50/50 custody, just know he is worth so much more than $16,000 and it's money well spent!

Good luck,
S.

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D.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Grace, pity & appreciating what you have that much more. Ask that correspondance be limited to e-mail as much as possible and if your spouse has a cell phone, then leave the home phone as a last resort. I have been there for 12 years and it goes up & down, but the $ hurts because it feels like taking food out of my household's mouth...but I have peace knowing that my home is filled with love, not revenge or greed. Hold you husband close, be grateful she gave him up so you could have him and continue to be a brave, gracious step-mother.

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K.P.

answers from San Diego on

D.,
I too have been in that situation. I am married almost 24 years now and had to put up with the same ex as you. She was money hungry, and made my life miserable. Only advice I can give you is..BE PATIENT.. somedays will be good, somedays will be bad..but just remember the child didn't ask for the mother he has. Just love him and let him know you love him and age 18 will be here before you know it. Word of caution.. don't let her come between you and your husband. Help your husband deal with her pathetic ways. It's not easy. I've been there. And now that the child has a child of his own I have to share him as well.. he's 2 so I'm in it for 16 more years plus...Good luck and keep the faith. be patient.

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M.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Oh - I have a similar experience but it is ex-hubby/step mom situation. I too have held onto a 50/50 with their attempts to alienate my child from me. It has not been a pretty situation and has been costly as well. All I can say is... take the high road and believe me, I know it is difficult but you have to at least try for the children. Another suggestion is to have your fiance handle the parenting issues with her directly (if he already isn't). I have found some great resources online. Check out www.bonusfamilies.com, ivillage.com and even Dr. Phil has some great advice on Blended families. My heart goes out to you!
M.

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E.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

D.,
The thing you need to remember is you have her man 100% of the time and her child 50% of the time, you should relish in that. Don't let her affect your family in a negative way it will just cause problems down the road. Whenever you get mad just think of the 100% and the 50%. Money is money, there will always be more. Bisides, think of it as your child with another woman and your man, it would probably drive you nuts!
E.

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D.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello D..
My simpathies are with you.... as I'm facing similar situation with my husband's child's mother (luckily they were never married) BUT they have a son ( who will be 12 in April) Soon after the baby was born he pretty much vanished from my now husband's life taking the baby with her. He tried to make peace w/her so that he can the boy, no such luck. I married my husband 4 years ago, and only last August he gets a letter from the child support dept, stating that this woman is now seeking child support, after 11 years..... Now he's in a battle trying to get child custody to # 1 get his payments lowered & # 2 to finaly introduce himself to the child since the boy doesn't know he's the biological father. In the meantime the "woman" has requested no contact whatsoever between father & child, and has even requested to have my husband's last name removed from the boy's birth certificate to only hers. Like you, this has brought plenty of stress between him & I, since he says he doesnt want to bring me into his problems because it was something that happened "before my time" It bothers me, yes, but i tell him I realize they are his past, but no matter what I'm his present therefore I need to be kept in the loop with all and any details concerned. He too has already spent quite amount between courts, he will know march 4th wether he's entitled to 50/50 custody, if not, the judge will have to make the last call. i tell him it bothers me that even though he's paying for child support he's not entitled to even meet the boy, sort of like paying for a car you can't even drive....
Good luck,
D.

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S.F.

answers from San Diego on

Hi D., I have an ex-hubby that acted as bad as an ex-wife. Very vindictive to the point that he told my kids that I left them because I did not want them anymore. It was so ugly. My advice to you is keep your home positive. Try and just support your fiance through those rough patches with his ex. Also, keep the 8-year old out of your conversations about his mother and how much she is a pain in the rear. This will affect him - his loyalty is with his mother, only because she is his mother. I have no doubt that she has him "spy" on you two, asking him to repeat anything he overheard while at your house. Most likely, she drills him when he arrives back home.

Just try to keep a positive balance in your home and in your heart. Your new baby also feels the tension, I am certain.

If you really want to get back at her, you should retain a female attorney (for the next court battle)who is like a shark. Females are horrendous and very evil! Talk to your attorney about requesting that the ex-wife pay your attorney fees. Also, there is the possibility of trying to sue for residential custody of his son. Paint her in a bad way to the courts...does she drink, ever? Does she date different men? Does she have parties at her house? Keep a diary of her events, comings and goings, etc., that can be very strong in supporting your case.

Just take a deep breath and remember to let it out! Remember, you and your fiance have a beautiful life as well as a beautiful new baby, and an 8-year old who will be a great big brother to his sibling.

Things could be worse....she could've won that last court battle!

My best to you and your family. Remember to love them because they are with you...NOT HER!

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A.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi D.;
I raised four children. Two of them are from previous relationship. Then I meet my husband in the airfreight company and he is divorce and two sons. To make story short,we get married and have our own children. I have a daughter and son from previous then I have daughter and son with my husband married for 17 yrs. I have experienced that awlful from previous ex. Here is the story, they're married for 21 yrs and both are college professional, had their own business. She divorced my husband and took advantage of him and off course my husband does not know the difference of people taking advantage of him especially when it comes to money. She turn around and convinced my husband to join her in business together. I feel uncomfortable about those invitations because the way I believe when two people are divorce, the trust is no longer there. But here is her catch to my husband, she wanted to sucked all my husband money so that our life will be miserable. She is jeolous of me because my husband found a young,beautiful in inside and outside face who take care of my husband. She feel insecure even thought she found a new younger man which is her husband already. Every company's function, people in the office came to me and enjoyed socializing to me because they see me as a truthful beautiful person inside. I am not bragging about me but I am only telling the truth that the beauty of such person came from inside and not outside the face. She is only tall,intelligent like man but no concept of being a woman or wife. She is control freak of everyone around her except me because I have a confrontation with her by phone and leave a message to her voicemail that I am not the cause of her divorce. She still behaved that she still the wife of my husband but I put some stop on it because it is getting worse. Imagine his 21 yrs old son wanted to have a birthday party in our second house in the mountain, imagine she has a gut to tell my husband and my mother-in-law that she wanted me to be out of the house when she came to our second house, I told her son and my husband,mother-in-law that no way I will step out of this house which is belongs to my and my husband. She is no longer married to my husband and I am legally wife of my husband. I told my husband at that moment, you chose, her or me and I will leave him and file a divorce. Off course my husband and my mother-in-law cannot do anything and they behave the way I wanted not what they wanted. Ex-wife likes to control their ex's especially they cannot accepted other woman that they husband found or replace them. Now you can see why I said the word that beauty does not comes to face outside, it comes out inside of a person. She is ugly in the face and that's she is ugly inside of her. Not only she screwed and takes advantage of her own relatives,former employee's,business partners and she cheated them in ordr to gain some wealth. The sad part, I told my husband that he is asking for trouble when he retired and he will be sorry that he joined her for business. Guess what, after 27 yrs in business together, she forced my husband retired in the company that supposedly bankrucpt without my husband help financially and she did not give my husband a retirement party,did not recognzed my husband input in the company, the awlful part is the eldest son was in the company as one of the board of directors and signed the forced retirement of his own flesh blood father. Now you know why my husband would like to have a divorce with her because not only she is ugly internally,outside,evil woman to manipulate and control her son behavior towards his own father, teaching his son not to have a royalty with his own father. I feel sorry for her because she didn't have a mother when she was growing up and her father re-married but refused to acknowleged the step mother and other siblings in her father side of family and the worse part is she is chinese. I am sure you heard about the reputations of all chinese man and woman in order to have wealth, they will cheated,swingler,takes advantege of others in order to gain their millions. Guess what, my husband filed a lawsuit against the company and my husband is naive and not a smart business man because she turn it around and give my husband a 50% of her share in the apartment complex they have together when they married instead of shares from the company. Is she really a chinese blood to swingler everyone in her company to gain power and control of the business. So the eldest son and the mother are running the show, now they feel ashamed of themselves because she judged me that I am a gold digger and guess who dig the gold on my husband, she is. A person who say thing to others and judge them, are the one who do those things. I believe what goes around, it will comes around her. She finally get what she deserved, inspite of all the evil things that she done, I still forgive her and prayed for her to be waken up. I just heard that she has cancer and her family shattered because my husband disowned his eldest son with his behavior towards his father. It is awlful how mother used their children to destroy other people's life. We finally win in a lawsuit and get something and but not that belongs to my husband share in the company. D., I have strongly believe in god, because miracles worked with me. God makes things happen without any of my knowlege. Imagine, they terminated my husband and treat him like thrash. You know what, I am glad that my husband finally realized how bad environment that he had with her because she destroyed him and his son relationship for the sake of her control. We lived happily and peacefully without those evil people like them. They only think about themself. Now his eldest son is married and have children but they're not welcome to us because of their father's behavior. His eldest son did not marry a good wife to help her husband to go back with his own father. So I thing, What I would like you to do, be firm and calm. Talk to her in a humble and calm way about the situation, tell your husband, from now on, you will be the one who will handle her and the only thing that your husband will say to his ex is talk to my wife now, she will handle those things around the house. You will be the one to make a suggestions to your hubby how to handle her because man is not good handling the ex's, believe me. I have to handle her and I definitely told my hubby from now on, things will change because I will be the one who handled his previous family because he does not know how to handle them. Don't say anything bad about her in front of her son because it will affected the son point of view of you. Respected his feeling so that the boy will be closer to you. The eldest son of my husband is not close to me because she is like his mother but the younger son is close to me and my husband because we treated him with respect. I told the two boys that I am not the cause of their divorce, so they should not judge me the way their mother judged me. I also explain the two boys that I am not replacing their mother position because I am not their mother and she is. I will only takes care of them when they needed us and they're always welcome in our house. I told also that I will treated them the same way I treated my own children because they are part of my family. If she call in the phone, answer the phone when you're around, talk to her and let her know that you will discuss this matter to your husband, get back to her. The reason she is doing that to you, because you response with her bad behavior, I remember what my mother taught me about horrible people, if they're horrible to you, all you have to do is give them back a very sweet and pleasant good deeds so that their conscience will bother them. My mother-in-law was mean to me, so I washed and iron,saw her clothing, she finally nice and accepted me but not 100% but part of it. She die a long time ago. Always be humble and relax, calm, since your husband was happy and content to marry you. Now as his wife, your duty is to make your husband happy and content. Things will go flow smoothly, if your heart is melted like butter. I used to be a spice heart but I learn when I have my believe in god, you will have peace on you and harmony in your house. Believe in god, he will work miracle on you. Maybe consider looking around some christian church that you have your own time to let him know your misery and help you get over it. Any religion that you would like to join, think about and join them. Lutheran Christ of Good Shepard is where I belong in Torrance. I used to go to Catholic Church but I change some religion and I like it and it help me emotionally and spiritually. Please don't hesitate to keep communicationg with me. If I have to share you a lot, I don't mind sharing with you my experienced in life. Good Luck and My god be with you and your family.

A.

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D.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would suggest you ask your husband to marry you. He doesn't trust his judgement in chosing women...look at his history. Use your time to ignore her and work on creating a wonderful marriage and home for your child and the other child will want to be there too. Stop focusing on her and zero in on what's important. You are more invested in her with your energy than your husband. No one wins there.
Answering machines, caller ID prevent having to speak to her. Just stop giving her the attention she craves!!! She loves the drama and most women "get into it and try and FIX everything" Just stop! Her son will survive.
He has you 50% of the time, don't allow her in that time!!
Good luck

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

your husband/ fiance should step up and not let you have to deal with anything involving her. you shouldn't hear her voice, see her, deal with the issues. that is his baggage & he needs to deal with it & keep you happy! As for the older son, he is being brain washed by her to hate you. So be really nice to him, treat him like your own. It will take time but he will make up his own mind about you. good luck!

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N.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have been dealing with that for a long time as well, we are still going back and forth to court. I started to really resent my boyfriends son, because of it as well but I had to step back and look at the overall situation. This is a child and he/she deserves any kind of love that he/she can get no matter whose household. Having a great support team is important as well, having someone that you can vent to and that won't take it personally, mine is my mom! Also, Church and alot of praying has helped me when I get that overwhelming feeling and anger towards her, good luck with it all and remember, she will snap out of it

(I was on the opposite end with my ex-husband and pretty much made his life miserable for a while with his new fiance, but, slowly and surely and after parenting class I realized that my children needed love no matter what and what ever happened between my ex and I it wasn't his new fiance's fault nor my kids) we get along so well these day's its scary, but, it did take me a couple of years!

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C.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's not an easy situation you're in to be in a learning curve and hormonal state with a new child, plus dealing with an angry ex-wife all at the same time. Definitely take the high road and this dynamic needs to be worked out not by you and her, but by your fiance and her. They need to restructure their relationship on a business basis. They are partners in raising their son together. Focus your time and energy on creating your family together. Ultimately, holding onto anger or wishing she'd behave/treat you differently is going to keep you locked into a power struggle together which won't help. Get that what she thinks of you is none of your business - whatever's causing her upset is her process and you can choose to not get sucked into it. (it may take some practice at first, but it's possible!) Know when to pick your battles and which issues to let go. Turn your focus on what you don't want towards a vision of what you do want in your life -- happy healthy children, great relationship with your man, healthy and clear boundaries with the ex. My award-winning book "The 7 Pitfalls of SIngle Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce" would be really helpful for all of you (including the ex!). You can find it and more about how to thrive after divorce at http://www.thriveafterdivorce.com Good luck and keep holding an intention of finding peace and that the current drama ends up being a huge learning experience and gift for all parties involved. I'm holding that intention for you D.!

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J.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

I do not have a similar experience but did recently read this book called the price of motherhood. It is about what women give up when they get married & have children. Usually what we as women give up will not have much of an affect until we divorce or separate from our husbands. Perhaps his ex is feeling threatened by you and how it may affect her - especially financially. If you can assure her she is not in any danger she will be open to embracing you as a part of her son's life. Like it or not when you marry your fiance she will be attached along with his oldest son!

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C.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Try putting yourself in her shoes. No matter how many horrible stories you may have heard about her behavior being the reason for their divorce, imagine yourself being in love and promising to cleave to your husband until death, and then having a child that you love more than anything in the world, and then having it all go horribly wrong. Even though she probably made her share of mistakes that lead to the ending of her marriage, she is probably not happy with the way things ended up. Imagine if you expected to have a stable family life for your son, and to raise him with all of your ideals, and dreamt so much happiness for him with your husband's support, and now you are alone and your husband is starting a new family apart from you, and there is a new woman who now has an enormous amount of influence over YOUR son. My guess is that you would feel somewhat dejected and insecure about how your life has changed, and you would want to try to regain some control over it by at least being able to raise your son the way you want without any outside influences. You would probably also feel somewhat jealous and resentful towards your husbands new wife and family.
I'm not saying any of these feelings are good or right, but I'm just saying that they are normal & human. Just like your being angry with her is a normal human response. But, since you want to try & make the situation that you are in as harmonious as you can, try empathizing with her, and when she is acting rude or uncompromising, remember that she is hurt & broken. It may help you be able to find ways to compromise, or help her see your position without getting angry & fighting over the poor 8 year old who is stuck in the middle through no fault of his own.

D.C.

answers from Dallas on

I've never had an evil ex-wife but I had an evil mother in law (she's still around but is much better) and the only solution that worked for us was my husband telling her to stop doing the things she did. Her interference was also causing me to act differently at home and treat my kids differently and certainly take it out on my husband. It is clear that the ex wife does not respect you as the new person in your husbands life so I feel there is nothing you could say to her that would make her change her ways. She's being vindictive and as long as you're around it seems as though she'll continue. I think it's up to your husband to put her in her place and tell her to stop acting the way she is towards you all.

Otherwise there is really nothing you can do because anything you do negative will cause her to pull your son away and in the end it ends up hurting the kids. As good parents we should do what's in the best interest of the kids and sometimes it means biting the bullet (this other woman) and dealing with her mess for the sake of being able to see the child.

But start with your husband and see how that goes. I moved my family away to another state and that worked out for us but if that'll prevent you from seeing the child then that may not be your best option. Good luck with that.

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L.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi,
You have so many responses that I may be repeating another, but here goes...I am not in your situation, but one thing I do know for sure and that is FORGIVENESS...you have to forgive her, not so much for her, but for you and your family. I'm sure you can agree that having the anger is only affecting your household and not hers. She continues to carry on without your anger affecting her at all. So...the first step (which is quite big in itself) is to forgive and let the anger go...if you don't it's only going to drive a wedge between you and your husband, which in the end will certainly affect YOUR son. So...who really won in the end, should that happen??? Think about it and pray that you let go of the anger...

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D.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

ohhhhhhhhhh D.... how I feel for you!!
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, amrried for 3 1/2.
One of my hardest lessons was to learn, you cannot change what she does or says!! All you can do is vent to your husband, show your husband you support him and work out a plan to deal with her and the situation.
The less communication you have with her the better. She needs to hear from your husband what the plans are.
the step child will see that you are trying to keep the peace and appreciate you kore. Never, never say anything negative about her or any issues that have come up... it is VERY HARD, but you have to...
and your husband will love you for it...
Good luck and when you need us, we are hear for you!!

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J.B.

answers from Santa Barbara on

It has been 4 long years, but I have just found peace in my heart for my husbands ex. Not only letting go of the anger, the animosity, the judgement...but really having compassion for her and her path. I realized that the biggest thing for me was that she pitted the kids between our families and also the money issue was HUGE. The payments, the alimony, and knowing that all of that money wasn't going to the girls but to sustain a lifestyle that she wanted to maintain.

We have recently mediated and ended all support in any way and she and i have a really great realtionship...but i have to say that biggest turning point was her finding another partner, and able to realize that what she had before was awful and what she has now is better. also that she had to focus on something else rather than you and your husband and your kids. We just kept putting it out to the universe that she was going to find someone new and this would pass.

I also took over the communication with the ex because I realized that when my husband would talk with her it would cycle to this really unhealthy place. I was able to find the buddha inside of me to really stay grounded and keep it short and to the point. if it got out of hand I would just communicate via email. which is the best because it documents everything and you don't have to get verbally blasted in the middle of a beautiful day.

hope it helps...time will heal it all and a year from now you will be looking back on it wondering how you made it though...

i promise...

peacefully
Jenn
____@____.com

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B.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi there.
I know what you are going through. It is so hard at times to not get upset with her and to not say anything about it. But i have learned that i have a better relationship with my step daughter if i just keeps my thoughts to myself and talk to my husband in private later when the kids can't hear.
If you can't stand hearing her on the answering machine then skip her messege and tell your fiance that there is a messege from her and you would like him to deal with it. ( She is his ex not yours and he is the one to have to deal with her. )
She is just upset that he has moved on in his life. You all have to be adults and come to some kind of comprimise. The children come first. It is hard enough for an eight year old to deal with the seperate families, let alone dealing with all the mean words and feelings between his parents.
Good luck

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S.P.

answers from San Diego on

Hi D.,
First of all take a deep breath. This woman is not married to your fiance anymore. Perhaps somehow she may still want to be. I had this experience with my husband's ex wife. If you can step out and above the situation and just look at her as someone who has a heart and must be really really hurting or her behavior probably wouldn't be so bad perhaps you can find a little compassion for whatever she is going through at this time. It would be nice to send her some light so spirit can deal with her also. Anger is never about the other person it is about how we deal inside ourselves. Also, underneath anger there is always hurt and underneath that can be found love. If you go inside and dig at the true issues and why perhaps you are allowing her to get under your skin you might find the forgiveness for yourself and for her and the situation will heal. ....promise.
Bless you and light to you. S.

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M.A.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

I never had children of my own and had to deal with TWO exes! Both were less than congenial. As hard as it may be sometimes the best thing for you to do is to be at all times, kind, considerate and consistent. Most importantly you should never discuss the ex in front of the son. Keep the time spent with him as joyful and focused on YOUR family time as possible. Be the role model of what a good wife and mother is. When you spend less time worrying about her behavior and more time about your interaction with your stepson, baby and husband, what she does becomes so much less important. Trust me, kids know the difference between crazy making behavior and steady, stable kindness. Take the high road.

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C.N.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

Dear D.,

You need to realize that you cannot control any adult by being angry with them. ESPECIALLY an adult that you have just won a court battle with.

Just take lots of deep breaths, and pray for peace and the ability to not say anything. It is being harmful to you and your darling family.

Remember what Oprah said . The person that you are angry with is controlling you and you don't want that. ....and you cannot control that other person. I took a class one time and the leader said that if you think that you can control another person, then go over to a wall and try to push it down, you can't -- it is just the same with changing another adult. SOME times it is the same as trying to change a child's behavior, but we do have a bit of control over that. ....until they are in the teens, and that is altogether another matter.

True, Believe me. Sincerely, C. N.
Been there, done that.

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E.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's not that I have an ex mother-in-law that is nasty. Just one that has alienated me for the past year due to a divorce. A year ago I filed for divorce after twenty-two tough years with my ex. His entire family has cut me off and want nothing to do with me. The sad thing is that they loved me for 22 years and I am still the same person just not living in a difficult marriage. Divorce brings about all kinds of unforseen drama and sadness. Hopefully, with time your fiance's ex will move on and stop punishing your family. As for my family, may they move on and live in forgiveness.

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M.B.

answers from Reno on

I'm on the other foot. I'm an ex with a son and his father remarried a few years ago. Until that time, we got along very well, my ex even attended my wedding.
After she entered the picture, we also ended up in a court case because she decided after being around all of us for three months that I was a bad mom, there was something wrong with my son....etc, etc. I tried to be friends with her but there was so much more to the story and quite a bit of insanity on her part. To give you an idea, her mother and her sister were willing to testify for ME should it have come to that in the custody case. In the end, he got less custody than he had and eventually he moved away.
I realize now in looking back that this was really her goal, to get rid of me and of all of his friends (which she did well) and ended a working friendship that only benefitted our son.
Unfortunately, the new wives get a rap I think because of women like the one I dealt with.
I think the ideal situation and what is best for the children involved is if you and she can somehow have a friendly relationship. If you think that it is possible then ALL of you should engage in family counseling. However that being said, I know that if my ex approached me with the same idea...I'd find it very difficult to agree to.
BUT if there is some hope for that, then the best thing for all of your children (and your own sanity) is that you all get along.

If that's not possible, the next best thing is to NOT to put yourself in the middle of their situations, planning, anything that coincides with her in raising your step son. Of course make your own decisions in your own home but if it's an issue of what doctor he is going to see, what school he's going to go to, when he's being picked up and where, what sports he wants to play etc. let them discuss this without you. They need to work those things out together and that is okay.

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J.S.

answers from San Luis Obispo on

You won't like the advise because there is no sweet and happy ending advice with step families. This is why it is not reccomended to re-marry with children. I have been dealing with the exact same thing but it is my ex-huband wrecking our lives and i am always having to calm down my husband. I am so tired of being the referee. I wish my husband would let me deal with my son and ex husband with out his cutting remarks. We have enough stress as it is. You have to back out completely on the subject. This issue is strickly between the parents of the 8 year old. Bite your tongue. Always. If you are having temper tantrums in front of your fiance and his child, you are going to alientate yourself. The eight year old has enough trauma. Put the eight year olds feelings first. She probalby doesn't feel that she fits in since her dad has a new baby. She probably knows you spent $16000 dollars on court costs and now she feels even more awful. 50/50 custody doesn't give this girl a chance to have home base. She is always packing up and moving back and forth. You can't do anything about what goes on in the other home but you can make her life in your home better. Give the little girl some positive attention and don't discuss her mother in front of her. Ever.

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L.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am going through the same exact situation as you. It's so consuming and draining, I know. I have a 10 year old step daughter and a daughter of my own who just turned two. Like your situation, it all started with the mother when I got pregnant. We've been going through a court battle for about a year and a half. She's made every false accusation possible against my husband in order to take custody away from us. Now that she's accussed my husband of everything she's now started to make accussation against me. It has really affected our household as well. It's been a difficult road. I first had to ask myself why she is doing this. The only answer I could come up with is jealousy. She is a miserable, unhappy person who is upset that her ex has moved on and has starting a new family of his own. He has everything that she wants. The only thing she can do in revenge is do what is in her power to make my husband as miserable as her. The only way she can do that is unfortunately through the child and try to take his daughter away.
What I've learned through all this is that all the anger and wasted energy is depriving my own daughter and my marriage and she is succeeding in her efforts to make us miserable. I refuse to let her do this to our family. My advise to you and what has helped us is to communicate with the mother as little as possible. Don't communicate over the phone anymore. Email and text message eachother and just stick to the facts in your communications. Leave out your feelings and opinions of eachother. When ever you must pick up or drop off the child don't go to the door. Stay in the car and watch the child until the mother has him. Suggest that she does the same.
I hope these suggestions help. Little changes can make a huge difference. Don't let the situation consume you. Focus on your little one, he needs you and all the love you can give him and hopefully the stress will simmer down.

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B.P.

answers from San Diego on

You have to remember that sad and angry people make others miserable, or at least try. They may not have any other outlets. Try coming from a place of campassion, that her life is such that she's wallowing in anger/jealousy/sadness.No doubt she's feeling marginalized, tossed to the side, unloved. I hope you are in a happy strong place within yourself and your relationship to be grateful for what you do have and know you can handle anything thrown your way. We all get angry with good reason. But directing and holding on to your anger will only take the energy away from your son, step son and fiance. As a new mom, your energy level is most likely lower than usual, so save it all, physical, mental, and spiritual for your key relationships. The addage "you catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar"? It's true. She wins if she knows you are mad at her and spending energy dealing with her. Build your own loving household and focus on it. Make sure your stepson feels he is in a safe and loving place when he is with you all. Be the "happy/loving head" of your household. You can set the tone. Your home should be a sanctuary no matter what comes your way from anyone. I went through this for years. And I was always loving, respectful and kind even when I didn't feel it. I'm sure it pissed her off more, which was NOT my aim, but it kept our home peaceful and healthy. And, by the way, I know this may not seem true now, but money is just money. We were taken to court so many times. Each time, she lost. But we knew that dss would have no doubt she was worth it. I had to spend every last dime I had one year in legal costs to make sure my daughter was loved and supported emotionally by both parents. Her father was intent on alienating her from me when I was pregnant with my son. To this day, she knows that money was no object and that I was determined that she had a close relationship with both her father and I. And she does.

This isn't about her or you, this is all about that precious 8 year old boy who needs you to be his champion. He is at a very critical age for his emotional development. He needs to know that he is at the center of your hearts along with his new little brother. And he needs to be supported in his love for his mom. She is his mom, afterall, no matter what. He should never be made to feel guilty about loving both parents, or step-parents for that matter. He needs to feel safe, secure, stable and above all LOVED. When we are filled with anger, there is less room for love. And in the end, it is truly only love that matters.

I wish you the best and I hope this helps.
B

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T.B.

answers from Las Vegas on

1st things 1st dont let her know thats shes getting to you ,try to just let it roll off your back because the odds are shes either jealous because she had something with her ex that you didnt (a child) and she no longer has that over you and she may have resentment issues because she still cares for him and wants him to hurt the way shes hurting now because your having his child and are still with him as to wich shes not....just remind yourself that shes childish and your an adault and to cause a scene is to stoop to her level which is most likely what she wants,so to hell with it you guys won in court so who cares what she thinks...dont let her jealousy issues affect your life because if you do she wins and youll whind up hurt

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J.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Well God bless you for choosing to persue a relatinship with a single dad. So did I, but it was easy for me because I was a single mom. But it was my CHOICE so as I CHOSE him, I also CHOSE to spend all of my waking moments with a peaceful heart mind and spirit. What I think about and how I respond and what tone I bring into my home will be and is always to my benefit. Choose to be the better person and your home life WILL be yours. Oh, My husband has six children from four different moms.
'I get my strength from my relationship with God'.

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T.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Kill her with kindness!!!! It seems to be the best medicine for anyone trying to ruin your lives.

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