Seeking Advice from Moms with Early Teen Sons Who Have Lost Their Fathers .

I lost my father when I was very young and I think it really effected my brother the most, although he was much younger than your son.
Keep in mind that your son no longer has his father and especially with a long illness, there is a lot of trauma and major life changes, not to mention his hormones going crazy and he's at a very awkward age being almost a teenager.
Have you spoken to the school counselor? Pediatrician regarding therapy? Thee are grief groups out there, although he may not agree to go. ANy male in his life he can look up to?? Uncle? Grandfather? A best friend's Dad?? It is most likely going to be an on-going process of dealing with his loss. Sounds like reaching out for professional help to get good sound information may be best right now. And....so sorry for your loss. It is something that you never get over, but does get easier over time. My father died nearly 40 yrs ago and when I look back, I can definnitely say that it was THE most life-changing, traumatizing loss in my childhood years. Good luck and I will be praying for you and your family:)

Hi S., I really feel for your loss. My first husband passed away and I was left with a 2 year old. Not the same at all but I married his brother and raised a family of 6. Some of this is definately a teen stage but a lot of this is not. I have 3 children who literally became addicted to computer games (WOW and another one). Be careful... he is withrawing from you into the game. He likes this reality better as it doesn't hurt so much. These are his friends. Be careful. I haven't seen this talked about very much anywhere but there is a real epidemic out there of children lost in computer games. I see him a real candidate as life sucks right now. This is a place to go and never leave the house. Limit his computer time, don't try to yank him away or there will be resentment. About school go around him and talk to the teachers directly. Maybe arrange emails about what is due or a notice if he is slipping. Email is great for this. You don't have to physically show up a school and look like you are checking up. My heart goes out to you and your family. I would also encourage counseling. Part of grief is anger, at the person for leaving, for not being there when something happens ets. He may not know how to express the anger so he holds it in therefore being very quiet. It is okay to be angry. Even for you. This is a normal part of grief. Let it happen. One of the hardest things for a mom is to draw out her child. I wish you the best. May god be with you.

S.,

Having raised three sons of my own, I can tell you that some of this behavior is definitely pre-teen and perfectly normal. But your son is grieving for his father.

His father may have been sick for a very long time, but that does not mean that your son accepted the illness and was able to deal with it.

He needs lots of love and understanding. It is apparent that he needs to talk to someone.

You should get him some counciling, as he is acting out.

Good luck.

I was twelve when my father passed away, ours came as a sudden shock, he has chf and we caught it late. I was the same way, I told everyone everything was fine but ended up flunking 5 out of 7 class my 7th grade year. He might not know how he fells just yet, it has actually taken me quite a few years to figure out just how I feel about my father passing away. My mom has told us on several occassions that she wishes she would have gotten us all involved in family counciling. My children's father passed away when my daughter was 2 and a half and my son was 8 days old, even as young as my daughter was, I took her to counciling and that has seem to help out a great deal because in the beginging she hated me for "taking her father away". So all in all, this isn't just a thing that he will grow out of, this is something he is going to need to talk to someone about. It might help him if he is able to talk to someone in private so that he can say all the things he needs to and not worry about hurting anyones feelings.

Have you had one of your other kids try to see what is going on with him? Sometimes its hard for us to tell our parents whats up, especially if he doesn't want to make you sad about how or what he is feeling. Did you do counceling or anything? 12 is a hard age for any child. Have you noticed any other behavioral changes in or out of the home besides not wanting to talk about school? Any 12 year old kid gets defensive about their appearance, I remember I thought I was sooo cool back then and looked pretty good too. If I had only listened I wouldn't be hiding those pictures :)

Have you tried to find a support group, first of all for you! Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. The kids will follow your lead so try to deal with this in a healthy way. Allow yourself to grieve, let him know it is ok for him to grieve and be angry and sad. Let the little thing's go ( like appearence). This age is hard enough with the hormone's and social changes. I would reccomend you might see a counselor just to get some tool's to deal with all of this, or maybe some book's from the library. Hang in there mom.

S.,

Some of this is definitely pre-teen/teen behavior. We have gone through it with our son (and no one has passed).

However, I would still seek some form of counseling for him - actually for all your kids. Even if it seems they are adjusting well, losing a parent is Huge - just as huge as it is for you loosing your partner.

Good luck and God Bless -
C.

You have older children, so you know what teenagers are like. The transition can be difficult, and it can reflect in the grades and the attitude. But your boy has something else on his plate as well. I believe he is grieving. The behaviors you describe fit - like a glove - a profile of a grieving child. Please find out what resources you have near you for families who have suffered such loss. Without doubt your son loves you and wants to make you happy, but this hurt is so deep he can't talk about it with you and he can't focus well on other matters. I hope you can do this right away. If you are a church member, start your hunt there; some churches have good programs to help with mourning. You might be able to get information from the school as well.

S.,

There are many places out there that can assist you in this time of need for your children.
The best place to start: http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/understand.death.html

Wishing you all the best and praying that you will be blessed as you go through this period of grief.

With my whole heart, C.

Good Morning S.,
I am so sorry for your loss. My 12 year-old has been having issues lately and I have been talking with a friend who mentors and coaches pre-teens and teens up in Boulder. My son has been through nothing as traumatic as yours but I would highly recommend you check out my friend Aaron Huey's website. It may or may not be for you and your family but, it's worth a try. Also, talk with the dean and counselor and your son's teachers if you haven't already. I am in constant contact via e-mail and they know they can call me no matter what. It's helping. This semester has been a huge improvement. Good luck!

www.firehawkfacilitation.com