I'm having a really hard time with my helping my 12 yr old prepare for the death of my grandpa. If you have any idea's on what I can do to help him in this time would be great.
We just lost my grandma (same side of the family as this grandpa) the week before Christmas, he had a hard time then but with lots of love, hugging, crying together and talking and looking at pictures we got through it together. Sunday we got a call that my grandpa took a turn for the worst ( he was diagnoised with lung cancer a week before grandma passed away), by the time we made the 5 hour drive to see him he was already hooked up to a ventalater and is completely under, and before we came home yesterday ( i needed to get my two other kids that were at their dads) the dr's told us that he only has a 5-10% chance of recovering. Tyler was there with me when we were told that. Now he is having a very hard time, he is mad at me because I told him that pop's probablly wasn't going to come home with us and he will be able to be with God and Grandma again. I know he is hurting and upset and scared ( if I am I know he is also) and doesn't mean the things he says, but he is kinda blaming me cause "the dr's know more than I do" and I'm sayig this will probablly be the last time we see him.
He understands death, dying and God. When grandma passed away a couple of months ago he had an awsome talk with our pastor. He also read the book Butterflies, Grandpa, and Me that the funeral home gave us and that helped also.
But he is taking this so much harder because he was closer to pop's.
We know he isn't going to come home with us, we got more bad news today that I'm not going to share with him. But the way its going today he will be "Home" by this weekend.
I just don't know how to best prepare him and my other two older boys who doesn't know what's going on yet about pop's going Home sooner than we want to let go. Expectally since they are still grieving over grandma.
Thank you so much for anything I can do with them at this horrible time.
Thank you all so much! We made it through the wake and funeral. Once again the funeral director was awsome! He explained with a turtle puppet how its just a shell and not living until you put your hand in it. It's like how God puts his hands in us and when its time to join him again he takes his hand out and the spirt is with Him. All the kids and I have talked alot and they were able to watch the funeral on the TV in the "play room" so I was able to do my grieving during the service with out them or they seeing it. On the way home we talked about what I wanted to do and how they wanted to add to it. We are going to make a pond and have a boy fishing in it.. that was Grandpa's favorite hobby and put his and Grandma's favorite flowers around and put butterflies all over as that was Grandma's favorite and we are going to bury our share of thier ashes there so when ever they want to talk to them they just have to out to the yard to do so.
With all the talking I found out his biggest fear is that now that both grand parents are gone that we wont go back down there anymore to see the rest of the family. I quickly put his fears aside and we even planned with my aunt when our next trip down there will be.
I let each of the boys pick out thier favorite picture of each grandparent and I had them blowen up to 8x10's and framed them and they have it hanging on thier bedroom walls.
Thank you all again!
Check out ele's place- www.elesplace.org. It is a place for grieving children that I worked with in college. I have never heard of anything else like it.
Hi!
Hugs to you and your family, first off. This is a hard time for you all.
Likely your school counselor has lots of ideas. Great to check with them. Maybe even a small group.
I think making some memory books are a great idea. He can draw pictures of special memories, and etc. I also have used the book, "When Dinosaurs Die" for leading discussions. It is nice that you can read only the parts that apply or you want to discuss. There are lots of bibliotherapy books on the topic. Even googling will give you a lot of info.
Hugs again...
Dear R.,
I'm so sorry for your losses. My daughter was also 12 when she lost her grandmother who she considered her best friend. We had long talks, read books, talked to the school counselor and finally went to a counselor who specialized grief until she found what she needed to move on. Two years later her Dad & I were celebrating having our sweet daughter back when her Dad unexpectedly died & it was back to the drawing board. All 3 of my girls found that grief support groups with people their own age was what helped them the most. They really found that being with other people their own age who were grieving too really helped. I can recommend the services of Youth Grief Services sponsored by Fairview Ridges Hospital. Here's the web address: http://www.ridges.fairview.org/Community_Health/grief/ind...
There are others if this isn't convenient to where you live. I will also add that your sons may say I don't need a counselor or a grief group and may fight you on it but my daughters who were 10,11& 14 when their Dad died 12 years ago will now admit that I was right & they did need the groups & they did enjoy them and still use some of the coping skills they were taught. Granted they make you wait awhile for the affirmations but it's nice to know that my efforts were worth while.
Also grief isn't something that you go to group or counseling for 6 weeks for and everything's back to normal. Grief is a process and it's not linear. Some days can be great and all of the sudden your loss hits you again so if they say they are fine today, they may be but tomorrow they may feeling their loss acutely again. Also if they are not expressing their grief in words or writing or some other outlet and they are stuffing it in it can begin to come out in physical ailments. Grief can and does cause stomach aches and eating and sleeping problems and behavior issues.
I'm sorry this is so long but grieving is a complicated process and sometimes when we are busy grieving the loss ourselves it's hard to find the time and the strength to search out information on how to help our kids.
My thoughts & prayers are with you and your boys.
First let me say kudos to you for how you handled the loss of grandma with your son. I am sure it was not easy considering you suffered the loss too but together you helped one another to grieve a great loss. I would be straight with him and ask him how he would like to honor his grandpa. It might just be an issue of him feeling helpless in the situation and once he can play a role, he may be more accepting. We lost my dad when my nephew was 11--he and grandpa where "the best of friends" and that is putting it lightly. My sister allowed my nephew to do similar things you did in the loss of grandma but also asked him how he would like to honor or remember grandpa. It was amazing how once given the option to be active in the transition and in the process of grieving the loss my nephew was almost joyful due to being able to honor a man who meant so much to him and he got his sisters (3 all a bit younger than him) involved too which in turn help everyone. Just a suggestion, hope this helps. I will pray for the Lord to bless you with wisdom to meet your children's needs in this loss and that through grieving together and know grandpa is "home" you would all grow closer to one another and to the God.
R.,
you mentioned your pastor- this may call for a repeat visit, if it was something that helped your son through it last time. If your son is comfortable leaning on his faith, then you and your pastor can help him do that; however, with 2 losses so close together, I would be watchful for a crisis of faith,his being mad at God, rejecting God altogether, at least for a sort time. If that happens, you can offer him an alternative way of looking at it: through dreams and signs. When my great grandfather died (whom I was very fond of), I wasn't able to lean on any sort of religious faith. But I was able to accept several dreams I had of my great grandpa in the days following his death, as being signs that he was alright. Some people describe instances where they feel the presence of a passed loved one in the room with them, or feel arms around them. I heard my great grandpa's voice once. If your son can be comforted by any of those types of things that may happen, he may be able to accept them as being totally separate from his God, as easily as another would be able to accept them as messages from the same God.
Another thing that helped me was that I was offered my Great grandpa's hunting coat. i wore it the rest of that winter and for each winter after so far. The first year, it smelled like my great grandpa, which was of great comfort to me. I never really went in for the kind of nostolgic keepsakes and such, but having the coat to really wear and use each day for most of the year has kept my great grandpa close to my heart.
Oh, and if you haven't already told your other kids- I think they need to know ASAP.
I wish you and your family peace-
Jen
I am so very sorry that you and your son are having to face this loss. It is especially hard after the death of your grandma so recently. It is normal for him to have all these emotions. Both of you are grieving in anticipation of what is coming. If you can give him permission to feel his feelings, it may help him to express what is going on and deal with it. Another idea is to have him write a letter to your grandpa telling how he loves him and how upset he is to lose him. When the time comes, he can put it in the coffin with your grandpa. My children did do this (although they were much older at the time). You can also share all the good memories you have both with your son and before he was born. If you think it okay, have talk with your pastor again. He may feel that God is not treating him fairly. If so, he may also be worrying that God will punish him for being mad at Him. He needs to know that God can handle his anger and still loves him. I hope these ideas help both of you as you grieve. Again, I am so sorry that you are having to face this loss at this time. Liz
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I would say first that you need to be completely honest so that they are not totally taken off guard. They don't need to know every detail but in general what is going on. I know this is hard but something we did that helped was to gather pictures together and write up stories about our favorite times with grandpa. You can also use these to create collages,etc for the funeral. There's really not much else you can say to prepare them but there is plenty you can do after the passing to help them through.
God bless your family.
