How to Deal with Children and the Death of a Parent

My father died when we were children. My mom was about 36 and we were 8, 5, and 2. From my perspective as the child in the situation, I took my cues from my mom. That means that you need to be strong, but also show your kids that it is OK to grieve and miss their dad too. Each child will deal with things differently, so allow for that. Sometimes they may want to talk or cry together...sometimes they may want to be alone and sometimes they may want to just talk to eachother without you.

I do recommend that you have some sort of "counseling" or outside support for your children. I really didn't have any of that and I ended up seeing a therapist when I turned 18. Becoming an adult made me realize once again how much I missed my parents and that there were some issues that I had not dealt with in my earlier years.

There is an organization that I donate to in Delaware called Supporting KIDDS (kids involved in death, divorce, and separation). They do some really good work with families and children. I know you are in Philly, but they are located in Northern Delaware, which isn't too far. It may be a nice day trip for you and the kids to check them out.

I also recommend (even though the thought is really morbid) that you make sure that your affairs are in order. Unfortunately I also lost my mom when I (the oldest child) was 13. Thank goodness she had a will and had named guardians for us, etc.

I wish you and your children the best.

I AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS, I UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION COMPLETELY. I LOSS MY HUSBAND A YEAR AND HALF AGO. I HAVE THREE CHILREN DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR DAD. ALL I CAN SAY IS GET A GOOD THERAPIST OR GRIEF COUNSELOR. I HAD A WONDERFUL SUPPORT SYSTEM AROUND ME DURING MY TIME OF NEED. MY FAMILY HELPED ME THROUGH THAT DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE. I KNOW YOUIR CHILDREN ARE YOUNGER THAN MINE, BUT GET THEM TO SPEAK SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEIR FATHER EVERYDAY. IT HELPS WITH THE GRIEVING PROCESS AND IT ALSO KEEPS HIM ALIVE IN THEIR MEMORY OF HIM. IT WILL BE REALLY DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO HEAR THEM SPEAK OF HIM, BUT I LEARNED IT HELPS YOU DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL GREIVING. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ATTEND A CHURCH OR NOT, BUT THAT IS ALSO A GOOD AREA FOR SOME MUCH NEEDED SUPPORT.TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND DO NOT FORGET THAT YOU ARE GREIVING AS WELL AND NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THAT WAY YOU CAN BE STRONG ENOUGH FOR YOUR CHILDREN.THERE WILL BE MANY DIFFICULT DAYS, BUT JUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND THINGS WILL COME TOGETHER.

First, I am very sorry for your and your children's loss. I will keep you in my prayers. This is a very difficult time for you and your family. With God's help you will come through this.

Secondly, go to a counselor that specializes in grief. Go as a family or go seperately but please go. They can help with the feelings, the coping skill needed.

If you are financially strapped start with a church. You could ask your physician for a referral to a psychologist that specializes in family grief counseling (this might be paid for by insurance). There are support groups like AA but are geared toward loss of a family member-check the yellow pages under support groups or grief counseling. This website might also point you in the right direction http://www.christian-works.org/griefworks/ .

I hope you find peace.
-B.

hospice offers a wonderful program and it is wonderful for kids. Also there are several christian Counsoling centers a pastor should be able to help you find in your area im in md. I am so sorry for your loss I know there is no way to know what you are going through but i will be praying for your family. I hope this helps your childern get a little comfort. I went after my grandfather passed and it was a blessing. we talked and made things and just were around others who also lost someone close.

hi virgina
sorry for your loss , its very hard ..,life is not easy , let them now daddy will always be there for them, he now is there ANGEL IN LIFE,,they wont see him but hes there..every one takes death differnt. plz let them say good bye in there own way to him .trips to the grave site helps, praying at nite out loud helps . a letter from time to time .to let there feelings out .they are young and will bounce ,, always talk the good of him so they now there daddy was the best .. i lost my dad 21 yrs ago and ive not let go and its hard , i haveto let him go soon , not lettin him go keeps my heat ackin for him to come home ,i know he wont ,thats why its best they say good bye to him soon , so they dont hold this over there heads all there life .or blame ther self for him not being here as they grew up ,, like i do and to know hes in a better place and that some day they will walk back in his arms ..i wish you all the best and i know how it is to loss your loved one , i only have my kids now ...
take care and GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR KIDS

hi my name is S.,im 28 and, my husband also passed away. he died of cancer in dec of 03. at that time my kids were 1 1/2 and 4. they r now 4 and 7. they both took it ok, but my younger one is now having seperation anxiety. she dont like to leave me. my son never talked about his death. he remembers him but i think mostly its what people tell him.
every though its hard u have to keep talking about him to ur children.(i cried lots) show lots of pictures. and have them talk about him(if they will) and most of all give them lots of love and let them no that u will always be there for them. i tell my kids that and it seems to help them. i dont think the pain of the loss ever goes away but it does get easier as time goes on. u still have to go on everyday even though its hard. my kids got me through it, with alot of friends and family support. im very sorry for ur loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. i will send many prayers to you all in hopes that it helps get you through this time. no advice other than lots of hugs and letting them cry, and talking a lot about it and him.

Please accept my condolences on your loss. This must be an exceedingly difficult time for all of you, much love and many cyber-hugs to you and your children, V..

In Erie, we have a place called The Caring Place, here's a link to their webpage: http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/

I am sure there must be someplace in Philly like that, check your phone book or your local Highmark office. You can also try Family Services, which is often affiliated with United Way, they offer all kinds of counseling and help for families in need.

Finally, be gentle with yourself. If you need a book about grieving, anything by E. Kubler-Ross is good. There are also many books for children about grieving and losing a parent, it might be a good idea to start there.

Again, much love to you. I will light a candle for you and your family at my church this Sunday.

V.,

Sorry to hear about your lost, my husband died last year from a drunken driver... we have six children three are under five..
my younger children miss him alot, but we talk about him and i haven't had any problems and haven't went to any of the counseling services...Church has been a great place for my self and the children...they need to know they are loved and sometimes people must die early .... you need to be honest with them.....you need to be Strong the children will feed off of you and your feelings...we have times when they say they miss daddy and want him back ..I tell them i miss him too but he can come back and we need to go on...if you like we can talk and i can help you out with thing available for you...

You are in my prayers. I have just gone through the same thing. My husband died in November after a lengthy illness and we have an 8 year old. I have found that she is handling his death sometimes better than I am. We talk about him, remember the good times and the bad, cry together and sometimes even talk "to" him. The best thing that I have found is to not forget him, not act as if he never existed in your lives. Your kids need to know their dad, and know that he will still be a part of their lives through you. Your kids will need extra hugs sometimes, or they may just need some extra space. Be alert for changes in behavior both at school and at home. Let the school and other providers know what has happened so that they can be watching for signs of problems. Maybe your kids need someone outside the family to talk to so as not to "bother" you with their feelings. My daughter and I have become closer because we sat down and decided that we would not let "Don-Donnie" fade away and that we could ask each other for what we needed at any time. (Hugs, etc) Dont' forget to take care of yourself too. Your kids need you now more than ever!

We went through the same thing. Grief counseling saved our lives.... seek a provider through your health insurance company. It should last for at least 12 months. I am sorry for you loss.

Hi, I emailed you back around Feb, after seeing your post my sister-n-law lost her husband (my brother)suddenly and has a son who was then 5. We mentioned a web site to go to for young widows - anyway, I was thinking about you today and just wanted to know how you and your family are doing? Always know that people are out there to help and offer hugs. You take care of yourself! M.

HI V. MY NAME IS STEPH. MY FAHER PASSED AWAY WHEN I WAS 10 MONTHS OLD. HE WAS ONLY 17 MY MOM WAS ONLY 15. THROUGHOUT THEIR LIFE THERE WILL BE SOME SAD TIMES. BUT THEY WILL BE OK. MY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS TO ALLOW THEM TO TALK ABOUT IT AS MUCH AS THEY WANT. MAYBE YOU COULD ALLOW THEM TO FIND SOME KIND OF THEIR OWN MEMORIAL FOR THEIR DAD. AS I GOT OLDER AND ASKED QUESTIONS MY MOM HELPED ME PLANT A TREE IN OUR YARD AS A PLACE I COULD GO TO THINK OF HIM. I HAVE FOUND WITH CHILDREN I HAVE FOUR THAT IT SOMETIMES HELPS TO GIVE THEM JOURNALS TO WRITE IN OR DRAW PICTURES OF HOW THEY ARE FEELING. ALSO IF YOU HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR CLOSE MALE FRIENDS WHO COULD INTERACT WITH THE CHILDREN ON A REGULAR BASIS THATS A GOOD THING ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A BOY. YOU STAY STRONG THEY ARE GOING TO NEED YOU. IF THERES ANY THING I CAN DO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AT ____@____.com. I ALSO NOW THIS IS A HARD TIME FOR YOU. TRY TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH A STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A BREAK AT TIMES TO. GOOD LUCK I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU STEPH