My 5 year old son has played often this summer with 3 neighbor girls, one of which is the same age, one is two years older, and one is 4 years older. They seem to have a good time together playing and I've been grateful for these new friendships. I have a couple of concerns, however. First, because the girls' father is a stay-at-home Dad, I am reluctant to let my son go into their home because of my general concern about what some men do to some boys. The second concern is about 2 of the girls being a little older than my son; I fear that maybe one will suggest playing "doctor" somewhere when the Dad isn't supervising. Because of this reluctance to let my son go in their house, I have also chosen to not let the girls play inside my home because I don't want to set the precedent of playing inside each other's homes. My decision about not playing inside the houses will become increasingly difficult to uphold as the weather cools (this is our first year in this house). I don't want to have to be direct to my child or the other family about the reasons for the no-inside rule. I certainly don't want to offend this family, or the Father in particular. He appears to be a very kind and gentle man. Is there a way to maintain this rule even through the cooler months and still provide the children with opportunity to interact this fall/winter?
Thanks for your responses. Many suggested getting to know this Father as a way to alleviate concerns about him hosting my son for a playdate. I think this sounds good in theory, but don't feel that I could ever get to know him adequately to be totally comfortable to let my son play there without my presence. I'm not comfortable as a married woman to get to know this married man at this level. Getting our spouses involved is key but frankly, even if we had dinner with them once a month for the next year, I'm not confident we could know him enough. I mean, how many times have we read about the nice family man who lived next door who turned out to be a predator? We're all shocked and say, "I can't believe it! We had no idea!!" I recently read that an abuser has an average of 150 victims before he is ever stopped. I know it sounds biased, but women are not molesters of children. I realize that's a terribly unfortunate realty for the 99% of men out there who are decent, loving, and kind-hearted. I guess this forum has helped me realize that I'm not willing to risk my boys with this uncertain situation. What a sad place our world has become that we can't responsibly offer this freedom to our kids and neighbors. No other generation has had to deal with these issues like we are forced to. Lord, please give our generation the courage, wisdom, and strength to counter this depraved culture in which we find ourselves.
Have you actually met this man? Is there something specific that gives you the impression that he is a pedophile? Other that just being a man? Please don't judge him until you've spent some time with him. Teach your son about inappropriate touch and meet this man. Set up a playdate at their house, your's first if need be. Spend sometime with the family, have a BBQ. Who knows, you and your DH may also get new friends.
I also have a neighbor who is a stay at home dad and I was wary in the beginning for the same reasons...I sort of let his kids play a lot at my house (front yard) to observe their behavior...they were also new to the neighborhood so my husband and I had them over for dinner to get a better impression on them as well. If you are married I think it's important for your husband to get to know him as well...my husband will sometimes get a different read on someone and it's important to have his input. Since you have only been there a year maybe you could have their family over for a simple dinner or everyone could meet at a metro park, bring food and let the kids play on the playground. If you get to know them better than as the weather cools you will be okay with the inside play. If they do start to play indoors I would still find a quiet time with your five year old to just gently ask some simple questions about how he feels about playing there, what do they do, what is his favorite thing to do there, and just let him talk without steering the conversation into anything dark. I would also explain to him what "doctor" is and that it's not okay because only mommy/daddy/real doctors need to look at your private parts, etc. and ask what he might do if a friend wanted to play that game...A much more serious approach would be to order a background check online but I have never done that and would feel a little creepy about doing so. You could also meet out in the fall/winter...libraries, community centers, etc.
I understand where you are coming from but also feel you are being biased toward the stay at home father and have not taken the time to actually know him. They same thing could be said of you were his girl are concerned. Don't let negative stereotypes lead you astray. If you are and should have a deep concern about the indoor part make sure you have all the doors open in your home and never allow the kids upstairs except to use the bathroom, create a central area for them to gather. But you can not always shelter your child from everything.
I can understand your concern. I always concern about this situtation with my boys when they play with new friends. Your kids and their friends can play outside during warm weather. When weather gets colder and if you still don't feel comfortable for them to play inside house, maybe you can suggest to meet at mall where there is indoor playground, or any other indoor playground places. That is just a idea. You can decide later about where to meet after you get to know the neighbors better. Hope it will work out for you.
