What Is Proper Ettiquete for Beginner Play Dates???

Hey M.,

I personally feel uncomfortable putting my child (children) in any car where they don't have the proper safety standards and I don't know the mom. A child who is 4 should always be in a booster seat. Accidents are just that-- accidents and if something happened, I don't know how I'd forgive or get past, although not likely an accident would happen, or she may even have the booster seat in the car, then go with them. I think it would be cool if you said you'd bring her to McDonalds for the first time, or meet at her house.

I love getting together with friends, and my sons friends. It opens great doors up for more opportunities to get to know people!

Take care!
S.

ALthough we live in a very safe and comfortable community I made it a practice (as did other moms) that if my child was under 6 and I didn't know the family/home then I attended that first playdate. Since it was common for other moms too it didn't seem too awkward. Everyone seemed to understand the other mom's position. Good luck

Listen to your instincts. It doesn't make you a "hypochondriac mom" to have some good old fashioned common sense. It's the only responsible choice for any parent - to know who they are, what their home is like, where they live and all other details. It's better for your child to have that same level of comfort you do in this sense, as well. And, if anyone takes any kind of offense (cultural or otherwise), how is that a good fit for you, given your responsibilities to and obvious love for your child's best interests? Your insides tell you that your feelings are valid and important and anyone who may fail to see the validity or importance of your feelings on behalf of your child's best interests isn't anyone I would leave my kids with (I'm not saying that's the case - just that, what anyone thinks of your worrying shouldn't be a concern at all - you're doing your job; you're a great mom for doing it).

The bottom line - trust isn't something you hand over at the drop of a hat - it is earned, over time. Your gut knows this. So go ahead and take the time you require, to build a trusting network that does nothing but support your wonderful concern for your child.

To be completely honest, I throw etiquette out the window when it comes to my child's safety. I insist on meeting the other family and see their home. I have not had any negative responses as I am upfront and inform the other parent of my rule that my daughter does not go to anyone's home with out me checking it out- most parents feel the same, the are just as worried as you are. One way that I avoid this is having the get together at my home. That way I know that they are in a safe kid proof environment and are being monitored. Yes she sometimes does go to a neighbors home, but I am out side in our yard and it is a run in for a few and come back out or I am going in after her. I also get to know the other moms. My daughter is 5 and does not always make good choices, so I am there to watch over. As she gets older and learns more she will get more freedom.

It's been awhile since I had to deal with this. My sons are in their early 20's - I'm on mamasource since I'm getting close to grammasource! (one is involved with a gal with kids)

I went along on the first outing and used the time to visit and get to know the other mom. Exchanged family info. ideas, interests, important numbers etc. There will be pleny of opportunities for your daughter to go solo and you will get some "me" time. You should be sure you are comfortable with them. And tht your daughter is, too.

Good luck and have fun!

I NEVER left my son with strangers and rarely with family when he was little. He is 13 now, and I still 'check out' the parents and their home before letting him go there without me. He appreciates that, it makes him feel safe and cared for and only he knows, but he told me he likes it. I will always check out his friends before I let him go off with them. I am not a hypochondriac either, and I am not sure what that has to do with it. I am what some call overprotective, but I am not concerned with that. I have to do what I think is right for my family, and so do you. If you are uncomfortable letting your dd go without you, you could suggest that you meet her at McD's where the kids can play together. Then, you could meet her at her house for the next part of the date. You would be driving your dd to these destinations. As a mother herself, she shouldn't be offended by it. Just explain that dd is too young to go off with people you don't know. During the play date, you will have the opportunity to get to know her more and may feel comfortable next time letting her go by herself, and maybe not. Only you know what is best for your family. I am sure you will make the right choice. I would rather take the chance of offending the other mom, than take the chance that something might happen to my child.

Edit: You might find yourself part of the play date for several years before you feel comfortable letting her go on her own.

I have 2 daughter ages 20 and 4. With my older girl, I "never" let her go anywhere unless I, at the very least, met with the parents of her friends, even as a teen-ager she wasn't allowed to go to anyone's house without me talking to the parents first. She hated it, of course, at the time but has told me many times that at least she knew that I cared. Through the years we had dozens of girls spend the night at our house and only one time did a parent ever call me, I find that to be very disturbing frankly, considering that I had never even met most of the girls parents. The bottom line is, it is our job to protect our children, so regardless of whether it offends anyone else, you should do whatever you have to do so that you feel comfortable in knowing that you are doing your job as a mother.

M.,
I understand your concerns. My son has play dates with a preschool classmate only because we know eachother's family. We met three years ago a a kindergarten introduction. We exchanged phone numbers so that we could get our children together over the summer before school started. Throughout the summer we met at a local park and got acquainted while our boys played.
She is the only person I trust with my children other than the pre-school teacher.
I feel that your concerns are well justified.
I suggest that you invite them over for a couple of hours to have coffee and let the girls play. This will allow the two of you to get to know eachother. Let her know that you are uncomfortable because this is new to your daughter and you would like to observe how your daughter will play with another child one on one. You could also meet at a community place like a park or McDonalds. Express your fears to her and if she has a problem with it then I wouldn't trust her.

I would definately do a mommy and daughter playdate first. I am sure she wouldn't just send her daughter to your house with out first seeing inside your home. YOu have to know what your child is being exposed to. I am not an expert on etiquette, but You are teh expert to your child's welfare, and its your responsibility to make sure they are in a safe environment.
It might be a good idea to offer to drop off your child at their home so you are able to see what it is like.
Once you are comfortable with them then they can pick up your child. That is just my opinion.

I have a 6 and a 4 yr old. My husband was in the navy up until mid Jan. so we moved arround alot. Always having to meet new people to let our kids have any friends. Stop worrying about if the other mom will be offended. This is your child and if you feel more comfortable going with her then maybe there is a good reason for it. If the other mom doesn't seem agreeable then maybe they are not the kind of friends you need and if she is agreeable then maybe you will accuire new family friends.

I'm a retired police officer and I'll tell you it's extremely important for you to know the other child and her environment before allowing your child to be in their home.

The way I handled this when my daughter was in grade school and the way she handles it now is to first get to know the mother well enough to talk with her about this issue and then to visit with your child in the home the first time.

Among the things you can learn just in general "getting to know you" conversation is who lives in the home and who they are: ages, activities, occupation, relationship to child, etc. Then talk about what sort of behavior you each expect from your children and from the other mother while your child is with her. How does that family discipline. What are the rules? Who supervises and how closely? What sort of play will they do? What sort of discipline does that family use? Meet the mother and/or anyone else who is around and see the home situation. Trust your judgement.

One of the probably most difficult questions is to ask if there are guns or any other dangerous objects or situations available to the kids. If your child is to ride in their car, ask if they have insurance, if they have a child restraint seat and about their driving history. I never let my daughter ride in someone else's car, even as a teenager, unless I felt sure that she would be safe. I'd start the conversation by asking indirect questions, such as what they think about the law that requires insurance or more directly by saying that I was concerned about traffic and safety and perhaps telling about an accident in which the "other" driver was at fault.

As you can probably understand, this getting to know the other family takes time. I don't learn this all in one conversation. Your child's physical and emotional safety is worth it.

If the mother is also conscientious she'll want to know these same things about you. If she is hesitant to answer or shows discomfort with the questions or your "gut" tells you something may be wrong, don't allow play dates at the other child's house. Suggest that the other child could come to your house for a playdate first and invite the mother along.

My daughter was careful enough that she wouldn't let her 7 yo daughter go to the YMCA daycare director's house until she got to know her better. The first playdate was at my daughter's house. The YMCA director has had police background checks and extensive training but yet my daughter wanted to be sure. The director told me that she was comfortable with the way my daughter handled it. And the director spent time talking with both me and my daughter before letting her daughter go to my daughter's house.

Another way to learn more about a family is to talk with other mothers. You can start a conversation just by saying your daughter wants to have a play date with "so and so." If that mother knows the other mother she'll probably continue the conversation.

It's entirely legitimate, while they're alone, to ask the teacher or even stop in the office and ask them what they think. They cannot directly give you any negative info but they might quietly say that's not a good idea. When I've done this I've started by saying I know you can't say anything but I'm wondering about arranging a play date for my child with "so and so." They might not say anything but they'll respect you for asking.

When I was helping my daughter find day care for her daughter to use when I couldn't I stopped in the apartment office and asked them about the woman who had volunteered to do that. They just shook their head. I did sometimes stop in to just chat and so in a little while they told me that frequently people have filthy apartments and don't supervise their own children in a way that let me know that this included this woman without exactly telling me it was this woman. I know that having this sort of conversation can be tricky and I'd like to think I've perfected it over the years but I do remember doing it as a teacher and then a police woman and feeling
uncomfortable about it. I think that most people do look out for children's welfare and will frequently find a way of telling you without telling you if they're not comfortable just coming out and saying it. It's a matter of you providing the opportunity. The main concern for professional people is the possibility that you will gossip and/or use info for a lawsuit.

Please know that you are just being a careful parent and that you need have no concern for hurting anyone else's feeling's or for them to take offense. Your child's welfare and safey is of the highest priority.

I would limit the amount of time that your child, at 4, would spend without your supervision. My granddaughter usually wasn't comfortable to be alone with anyone else's family until she was 6 or so. Therefore all of her first playdates and most of her later ones were with both mothers present until the families knew each other. It was as if she had an inner need to know and see that her mother trusted the other child's family and home environment before she felt safe. This wasn't anything spoken. It's just the way it happened.

I suggest that you and your daughter meet the other mother and child at McDonald's and share food and company. That is enough for a start. If you feel comfortable with that situation take your daughter to the other child's house and stay awhile. If you still feel comfortable you can leave for 30 minutes to an hour and go back and pick her up. Be sure to exchange phone numbers. And be sure to tell the other mother what you expect in the way of supervision. For example if their is a teenager in the house is it OK for the mother to leave them alone with the teen?

After thinking and writing all of this my recommendation is that at age 4 all play dates include both mother's for an extended period of time. And when you do decide to leave your child in the other mother's care be sure that you both agree on the boundaries for activities, discipline, and amount of supervison. Make it clear that if your daughter at any time wants to come home that the mother should call you and you will pick her up.

Always pay attention to what your daughter says about her friend, the family, what they did, and how she liked it. If at any time she says she's uncomfortable for any reason do not have playdates without your presence. It may be that she's just feeling insecure and that nothing is wrong but you cannot be sure how that family reacts to her feelings.

Hope I didn't completely scare you. I do have strong feelings about children's physical and emotional safety. But I've also gave my suggestions more detail than I sometimes use myself. I have learned thru experience that I can trust my own intuition and shorten the process at times.

I would be glad to talk more with you about this if you'd like.

Generally, parents would stay with the child, and it would be a parent/child playdate until they are closer to 6 years old. Some moms are willing to have drop-off play dates with younger kids, but generally not. If you want to tag along, just say "I have never left my daughter for a play date before, and I'm not sure how she would handle it. Would you mind if I tagged along?" If it is something she doesn't want to do, then she'll try to come up with excuses like "if she has any problems, I'll bring her right home", or "I'm sure she'll be great, I'll be right there the whole time". It is a lot easier to not offend her if you are siting your daughter's fear or comfort level as the reason for wanting to tag along. Many kids this age are not comfortable asking a friend's mom to use the potty, or even worse, if they need help in the bathroom. Remember that while you know the mom fairly well because you visit during pick-up, your daughter hardly knows her at all because she spends that time with the classmate. It is hard to teach your daughter not to trust strangers, but then leave her alone with someone who she hardly knows.

Just my 2 cents.

When my daughter was four, her playdates involved the child and the parent. In my experience the kids play together and the moms get a chance to chat. I don't view playdates as one parent babysitting for the other. If you're already friends with this parent, it's makes for a nice visit. If you don't know them well, all the more reason to get acquainted. I would not leave my child with a parent that I don't know well. There's really no reason to.

The first thing that popped up in my mind was, "Does she have an extra car seat in her car?"

Beyond that, it is reasonable that you would want to check out her home and at least know WHERE it is in case of emergency, or anything else.

Other people's ideas of safety are not always the same as OUR ideas of safety for our own children. You need to make sure you are sending your daughter to a place that you approve of.

I think its important to get to know the mom before sending your daughter on solo playdate. I would suggest a playdate at yours or her house or a mutual location to get acquainted and go from there.
Im a more paranoid parent and deep down think that everyone is bad.lol. I know thats not the greatest but I believe safer than being to trusting with my children.

Hi M.-

I have been a mom and preschool director for 10 years. It is a good idea to go on the first playdate with the moms and children. To go to the home actually as well. This is not offensive to moms who have nothing to hide and are wanting to truely get to know you and your child. It is good even to invite them to your place. There is no ettiquete that is too much when it involves your child. As innocent as people maybe and as nice and trusting as you are your 4year old will not be able to be aware of things in someones house that may be objectionable to you and your lifestyle. If there is ever any hesitency on your part then don't do it. Your child is a precious person trusting you to make the adult choice for her.
Happy Playdates!
M. F. - Mother of two boys 13 and 15 going strong with 18 years of marriage! :)

I would suggest making a playdate with both parents (you and the other mother) present, mainly to get to know the mother better and the other child. Maybe even go to McDonald's together...talk, get to know her and see how the kids play together. I think I would feel more comfortable knowing the person she will be with a little better. I'm sure it will be fun for your daughter, but just to ease your mind! Have fun and good luck!!

Trust your gut. The playdate thing was new for me too this year. My daughter is 4 as well. I have been on several playdates with my daughter and have yet to leave her alone with someone. It's not that I don't trust or feel comfortable - the thought just never entered my mind and the other parents never suggested it to me; and my daughter wouldn't allow it.

Anyway - when we are first getting together we usually start by having lunch together - picnic style at the school or a park if the weather is nice. Then we graduate to going to one another's houses for lunch. And as we progress then we may meet at OMSI, the Children's Museum, or the zoo.

In your particular situation - I would invite the mother and child to your house for lunch. That way the two of you can connect, as well as your kids, in a more comfortable setting.

She was probably trying to be accomodating by offering to provide transpotation and play time at her house, but like everyone else said, it's ok to go with her and shouldn't offend the other mom. If she does seem defensive, that may be a red flag.
4 is still young, as parents we are in charge of our children's safety, it's not a matter of being over-protective.

I agree with everyone else -- our children are too precious to worry about offending anyone. My daughter is 10 now but I went to all her early play dates partly because I was uncomfortable if I didn't know the other family and partly because she was SO shy. I just told the other moms that she was more comfortable with me going along due to her shyness and no one ever was offended.
Good luck.
Mag

M.,

Gosh, that's a tough one! I think if it were me, I'd insist on being there with her at first, I'm a trusting person but if it's a mom I didn't know well, I'd definitly want to go along. Maybe suggest a park or something, somewhere you and the new momma friend could hang out and get to know each other, too, while the kiddos play? And if it's for the safety of your child and your piece of mind, who cares if it offends the other parent, hopefully they could completely understand your concerns and will appreciate that. Good luck! Report back with how it goes!

M.

This can be tricky. Just remember you are her first and only guard here. I personally would have a couple playdates altogether, at each others home and maybe even at a nutrual place. I would just tell the other mother that you and your husband have a rule: the children can not go to other peoples home with out you until you really get to know them. Although you reconize the other parent you would really like to get to know them better. Maybe at first you could start with going to Mc D's and all of you could go back to your home instead. Then next time you all could go to there home. I think it's O.K. to just say "I am very protective of my children and would really like to have some play date together be for letting go" Most parents would completely understand. Maybe that is why she wants your daughter to come with her.

You are your children's voice and protectiopn, use that!!! Also remember you would be setting a tend on how play dates and visits will go in the future.

Stay strong and just get to know them first. That's your mommy job!!!!!

Lauri

I would feel the same way. She does not know your child and any allergies or how your child would react with out having you near. Perhaps suggest getting together and meeting at an indoor or outdoor park under the impression that you would love to have some girl talk. Play dates are a great time to connect with other moms.

M.,

Your instincts are right on. You should always check out not only the home where your daughter will be, but also their parenting style. How do these parents handle stress? Do they have pets and how are they handled in the home? I love dogs and have large dogs, and not trained properly, they can be dangerous to young ones. People live in all kinds of ways. Trusting someone else with your child should only happen once you have all the information to make an informed decision.

Sounds like you have a very well-behaved 4-year old (great job, mom!) because you're not worrying about how she'll behave out of your company. But if this is her first play date with a family she doesn't know she could still get nervous, upset, etc. I'd tell the family that you think she would be more comfortable if you went along.

My son is 6, and it's only been fairly recently that play dates haven't included a parent
(not just my husband or me--but also the visiting child's parents have also stayed). This year he is old enough, but if it's somewhere new, I still take him there and come in to check out the situation.

Good luck!

I always go "check out" the house of a potential play date 1st. Maybe you could offer to go to lunch together and drop off your baby afterwards. That would give you the chance to get to know the other mom (maybe a new friend) and see the surroundings. Any mom who is offended by another mom wanting the best for her baby is not worth hanging out with :)

Your desires are SO valid, M.. It is appropriate to get to know the other mom and daughter first, and once you know them, I think seeing their home will be secondary. Why don't you suggest going to a park together after preschool one day to play together. If you aren't comfortable with your daughter going home with the other family, then volunteer to have the daughter (and maybe mom too), over to your house. Nothing wrong with that!

Hi M.,
I would share the playdate. Invite the mom and the girls out for lunch and playtime. The girls can play and the moms can get to know each other. I would never feel comfortable allowing my child to do a cold playdate. I am not suggesting that you and the other girl's mom become best friends or anything, but this kind of introduction date might be nice for all four of you. You need to observe your child at play and the child your child is playing with. You also need to know how well the mother of this child handles situations.
This solution is an ice breaker and everyone wins.
Have Fun!
J. S

I don't think you're over protective. In this day and age, you must put your child's safety first. I would never allow my child on an unsupervised playdate unless I knew the family REALLY well. When we moved into a new neighborhood two years ago, I spent a lot of time with the parents with kids our age at the park, at our home, and at their homes, to feel comfortable with them being there on their own (which I have only done two times). My DH is even more particular than I am, and has vetoed some play dates that I would have approved.
If it was me, I would offer to meet them for lunch at a McD's, and then maybe go to a park after that to give you a chance to talk with the other mom and see the kids in action together.

Oh my goodeness do I ever know this fear. It is in your right 100% to be present on the first play date. Set the play date for a date and time you can meet your daughter's play date at her house and then maybe you can all go to the park together from there. You are not a hypochondriac at all! Now days you can never be too careful. Allowing you child to go to someone's house without you present is a big deal so any respectful parent will oblige in your request.

Hi M.. Where I live the mom always goes to the house of the playdate while it is occurring. I have never left my preschooler at anyone's house, whether I know them or not. I have yet to come across anyone around here who does leave their children at playdates at this young an age. That's not to say you can't I suppose, I just don't feel comfortable yet with the idea of myself not being there. Besides, if it isn't someone you know closely you may not have a good sense of their parenting and discipline style (which can be lacking) or the other children's behaviors (which I've found can be awful). In those cases I've terminated the playdate which I couldn't have done if I hadn't been there. D.

I always go on playdates with my children. For me, it is also mom time - with another mom to talk about life. I am sure she would be happy for you to come! Let her know that you would like time away from the house too. I am sure she would NOT be offended and welcome the idea.

Best Wishes,
H. R. B.
Website: www.HRGphoto.com

I don't think you are being too picky to be worried about your child going with another person without you there. I wouldn't let my son go with anyone besides my family without me there. It is okay to be safe and just say that you would like to go along, too. At least until your child is school-age and/or you are comfortable with the other parents. I would go somewhere neutral such as a playground or fun restaurant at first to really get to know the other parents and to see how the kids get along. Good luck to you! It's good you are a careful mother!

I would invite myself along for the first playdate (if not all!), maybe you and the mom will become friends! My son is four and I have never dropped him off for a playdate, I always stay and visit. That is a long time to be off with someone. I have found that 2 or 3 hours tops is all my son can handle. I don't think you are being over protective, you are being a responsible parent!

J.

Sounds like this would be fun BUT I would NOT let this other person take your dd until you really know her. I have an 11 yr old girl and I still do not let her go to anyone's house unless I know them and have been to their home, anymore you have to be so careful, people may look innocent on the out side, but behind closed doors you have no idea what goes on and at 4 yrs old she really can't protect herself. Why not do a group outing or on a nice day go to the park, just really get to know some one before you trust them with your pride and joy, they are not replaceable and once harmed the damage never goes away.
C. D

I personally don't know what is proper ettiquete, but I do know that every mother has an insticnt. If you are unsure of what to do, then I would go along on the playdate. I have a 6 year old boy and a 19 mo old boy, and still have never let my 6 year old go with an unknown parent, except for a birthday party once with other known children. I don't know if that's right or not. I think 4 is too young to send off with anyone you don't know, and especially to McDonalds or any "public" place with other unknown people. My two bits....