Say Something???

My friends and I always correct each others kids. If they are with us they mind everyone. If she sees something she takes care of it, if I do I get on to them. If it were any other way I would not go anywhere with other people and take the kids. It is sad when others have different rules and expectations. Kids should have manners, be polite when asking others to move over or something, and just plan on having a good time.

I had a friend whose daughter would do mean things to mine so I told her that we could only get together when the kids were in school. Her daughter missed all the fun outings and straightened up for the most part.
She got upset at first, but then admitted her daughters misbehave everywhere and she gets mad at them.

When we were out with friends and all of our children, we were all allowed to say things to each others children. Not in ugly ways but out of concern, to keep the kids on their best behaviors and to let them know we care enough about them to keep them in line.

If they used inappropriate language, we would call them on it and remind them,."we do not use that language." Or "I sure am disappointed you just said that, you are usually such a well spoken child."

Throwing things. "We do not throw things inside."

Pushing. "we keep our hands to ourselves."

Picking on another child. "Hey, those were not nice words.."
"Come sit next to me till you can calm down."

Anything you cannot handle. "Come with me so we can find your mom or dad".

Maybe she is at her wits end... I know I have issues that sometimes I need a fresh perspective and some ideas. Perhaps when she is venting you could suggest something. Maybe it would give her an idea.

My friend has 3 kids and they are out of control. My other friend gave her some suggestions and she was happy to hear them. She even did one. Her middle one was HORRIBLE in the store and they were planning to get ice cream and so the other two got ice cream, but he did not.

Maybe she needs advice. On the other side, I had a friend who our kids just could not get along and I stopped play dates. Don't regret it for a second. My life is easier now!

if you decide to give advice id start by acknowledging the good traits of each kid and say i see you're a little overwhelmed, my kids were like this when they first got here, maybe it would help if you .....
also if you're feeling overwhelmed maybe I could take one or two off your hands for a few hours and u could have quality time with one or two, so theyd feel not so alone

I never have a problem having a talking to with the other persons child. I've done it with several... Especially in my home.

Just like Laurie said, I expect someone to either send mine home or tell them that such n such is not allowed. So, I do what I'd want done with mine. If the other parent is around, I will still say something to that other kid... In front of mom. If they can't get control, maybe they need some assistance. : )

I think that if she's a good friend, you should say, "You seem really stressed about the kids." and go from there. I think that if the kids' behavior is making you rethink the outings, then you need to try to say something to her. Maybe you will have to do more without the kids to maintain the friendship. Or maybe she'll change and things will be better with the kids.

The other thing I wonder is, what's different, if they are worse than usual? Is it their ages? Did their parents take new jobs? Did they move? Etc.

Updated

I think that if she's a good friend, you should say, "You seem really stressed about the kids." and go from there. I think that if the kids' behavior is making you rethink the outings, then you need to try to say something to her. Maybe you will have to do more without the kids to maintain the friendship. Or maybe she'll change and things will be better with the kids.

The other thing I wonder is, what's different, if they are worse than usual? Is it their ages? Did their parents take new jobs? Did they move? Etc.

I have dealt with the same thing with my nieces' children. They are little monsters and I can't stand to be around them. My own children don't like to be around them either. I've told my niece she needs to "reel them in" and although she agrees with me, she has done nothing to change their behavior. As you say, your friend realizes there is a problem so I would talk to her about it. She's probably not following thru with discipline, etc. is what it sounds like to me.

As for saying something to the children, any time children are with MY children, I treat them all the same and scold or praise as I see fit. If the parents don't like it, then that's their problem, not mine. I have had maybe one parent say something to me about my tactics and when I told her what HER child was doing, she apologized and then proceeded to thank me.

Talk to her, give her some time and if the children don't change then don't go out as a group. I refuse to have time spent with my children ruined by unruly children and/or oblivious parents.

Good luck!

That's a difficult situation, isn't it? My suggestion would be that next time you are on a mom's only outing and she starts to vent or apologize about her kids, I'd respond with something like, "You sound really stressed about the kids' behavior. What have you done to try to change those behaviors?" That may lead into a conversation where she may say, "I don't know what to do anymore, what would you do/do you have any ideas?" and that's your in. If you're invited to give advice, do so. Set up a situation where you lead her to ask you for advice and then be ready with helpful suggestions on discipline and behavior management.

If she is venting I think she is inviting advice. But I would tread lightly. You may make suggestions like "this is what worked for me, you may want to give it a try" but avoid giving her a lecture about "proper" parenting. My sister has 4 children and they all respond to different ways of discipline.

Also keep in mind that not all families are the same and have the same values when it comes to behavior. There are things that are important for my sister for example, that are non-issues for me and vice versa. I though it was very rude of my sister last time we visited and she would scold my daughter for things that are non-issues in our house - on the other hand it was hard to explain to my child why she had to still obey certain rules that are important to us, even though they don't apply to her cousins. None of this would make me want to avoid her though, even though we may occasionally be put off by the other kids' behavior.

If you really no longer want to hang out with her kids, just suggest grabbing a coffee alone instead...
Good luck

Next time, can you ask her if you can offer your opinion? She may say yes just out of curiosity, not for help, so only mention one or two small things, and end it there. This'll give you a feel to see if she is really open to help/advice and you won't cause tension.

gl!

Say something quick if she is your friend.

I would say something. Not wow, your kids are awful or anything, but when she is talking to you about them, listen and offer whatever advice you have. Ask her if there is anything that you can do to help her and maybe she is having a hard time with something or just the kids.

When you are out together and her kids start acting up, which in turn influences your children I would definitely say something. I would tell those kids "I dont think your Mom would like that" or just start telling her "Hey your kids are doing this" and then maybe she will recognize that she needs to step in and discipline them. Or if your children are involved then I would have a chat with all of them at the same time like you did before. Maybe you stepping in and saying something will help her out some and give her the push to start doing more when her kids are acting out.

Best wishes!

I don't know all of the nuances regarding your situation. Sorry, this is such a hard one, isn't it?

My first inclination would be to suggest keeping the relationship alive without the kids present.

The second, because you sound like a reasonable person, is to tread lightly and maybe just do some active listening right now. What is she really wanting from you? I recently posted a piece about advice on my blog. I had done a bit of research before writing it, by the way, asking friends for their two cents on the topic of giving and receiving advice. Instead of re-writing it, I'll put a link in:
http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2011/10/good-advice.html

I'm of the belief that good advice is an art form that we become practiced at. Read and see which approach might work for you and your friend. Good luck!

Obviously there are issues with the kids that she is well aware of...that's why she's venting to you about her kids. She's looking for a sympathetic ear...and probably gets told regularly her kids are out of control by others. For whatever reason, she can't curb the behavior. Maybe they have
ADHD - it runs in families. Maybe there are marital troubles and excessive fighting at the home and little supervision of the kids so now they're out of control 24/7. Only she knows what's up and because of this she probably doesn't need you to tell her the obvious and would probably resent you for it. If you were to discipline the kids yourself, or to say something, you might as well end the friendship is my guess. She's clearly looking to you as a sounding board, not for advice.

With that said, if you think the kids are a bad influence on yours, don't get together with her anymore. In time she'll get the hint.

Did you ever think that the reason she vents and apologizes for her kids behavior is because she knows there is a problem and is asking for help without actually coming right out and saying it? The next time the two of you get together maybe you should just tell her you know she is having a problem because you went thru it a while ago and would love to help her if she wants the help. If nothing else, she will know this is not unusual for her kids to be acting this way, and she isn't alone. And maybe it will strengthen the friendship the two of you have as well.

You are in a difficult situation. I truely feel for you. We had to end a friendship a couple of years ago that turned rather nasty because we kept turning a blind eye and not dealing with the problem directly.
I think if your parenting styles clash, you are in bad need of finding new friends. I mean, part of friendship is having things in common, right? If the very most important thing in your life (your child rearing and kiddos) can't be agreed upon, the friendship is already over, IMHO.
Just trying to save you some heartache here. I cried for months when we ended our friendship with our friends. Good luck.