Being Sympathetic, Warm and Understanding to Parents Struggling with Children?

I think it depends on the friend and the situation. Some people just need to vent about their kids and need a friendly ear to listen. Some people may want to get feedback from you. I have a daughter with autism (very high functioning), and when I hear my friends worry about their child's behavior, I will tell them what I think--to a certain degree. One friend once was expressing concern about her child (I definitely think something is up with this child, BTW). Another mom kept saying, "He's fine! All kids do that!" I, quite frankly, think the mom's concern was warranted. So, I told that if she thinks something is off, she should get him assessed--better to know and get help if something IS wrong then not to get assessed. I didn't tell her what I thought. Anyway, tread carefully, but if the friend is looking for help, gently steer her in the right direction. The answer of "He's fine" when he may not be doesn't serve anyone well.

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

I have found this can be a problem in lots of situations (work-home-kids-friends-parents). When I begin to feel frustrated, I often ask the person I am with to tell me:

"Are you venting or asking for help? If you are venting, I will set my ears and heart to 'sympathy'. If you are asking for help, I will set my brain and mouth to 'advice'."

Works every time. I have found it particularly helpful at work. I often clue in the person who I am talking to by starting the conversation with, "I just wanted you to be aware of something but for now do not need you to do anything about it." You'd be surprised how relaxed/happy people become after hearing that first. Because you've told them your expectations up front.

Since all Moms are different, it’s impossible to say what each friend is asking you for. I am the Mom of two -- with one on the autism spectrum who has accompanying behavior issues. When I mention something to my friends about issues I’m having with my child, I am looking for my friends to console and support me. Even though I already know it, it always helps to hear that I’m not a failure as a Mother. However, I ONLY commiserate with my friends who understand that parenting a child with special challenges (whether diagnosed or simply strong-willed) can be very, very difficult -- there are no easy solutions. The common, “by-the-book” parenting techniques don’t always work. At this point, any person who would hint that my parenting skills are to blame for my son’s issues is someone I no longer have time for.

Perhaps you can come to accept that parenting some children is different than parenting yours. If you can, then you’ll be able to offer sincere support and friendship. Saying and meaning “What a tough situation – is there anything I can do for you?” could be the greatest thing your friend will hear that week. Once you truly internalize an understanding for your friend’s situation, I’ll bet you’ll find that the child is not quite as irritating to you. Your compassion for your friend and the child will over-rule any previous judgments about the child’s behavior.

Thanks for asking this great question.

Hmmm, I don't intend this to have a snide overtone, but in all earnestness, are your children always well behaved and happy, at every stage? Other posters assume you don't have kids but since your moniker is M..O. I have to assume that you actually do have them.

In which case, I would urge you to consider how you felt on the occasions where your kids were less than perfect. Maybe by visualizing those moments, you can find an untapped well of empathy that will help you find the words and energy for your friends. To be a good friend you don't have to solve their problem or give advice, but at a minimum you should show some emotional solidarity, and be able to say "I understand how you feel right now," and mean it.

If they truly never have down or bad times, then I suggest you write a book and share your parenting techniques, you could make a lot of money.

I think it's better if you phrase advice like, "I have heard of someone having a similar problem and they... x, y, z" instead of "Have you tried? Maybe you should.."

That way it seems like you are just recalling something that might help instead of having that knowledge yourself, which can come across as judgmental and intimidating (dumb as that may be...)

We've been through a lot of testing and sensory issues, etc. with my daughter firsthand and I feel like I always come across as a know-it-all to people when I give advice, so I have (hopefully!) learned to couch things in a better way by saying I saw an article or just ran across something on the internet, etc. and people seem to be more open to it that way.

:)

If your friends are outright asking for your advice, then by all means, give it. If your kids are setting a good example, then friends may want to know your "tricks". You can always say," When my Bobby threw a tantrum like that, we did ---------and he stopped." Moms are always looking for tips from each other on domestic things. You can always recommend this website, too. There's tons of support and information for anything here.

The one phrase that absolutely makes it so much worse is "My kid would never do that." That's like a kick to the stomach. My son has Tourette Syndrome, bipolar disorder, OCD, and SPD. He is quite a handful, and sometimes his behavior is difficult for other people to deal with and accept, and I've had many people who I considered friends say very negative things like this. I have found that it is helpful if you try to identify with the behavior. Most of my friends have kids with special needs, so I'm not really familiar with "normal" behavior, so hearing from moms that all kids act out sometimes really helps. Just the fact that you want to be polite and supportive makes me feel that you probably already do and say the right things. It's very much appreciated from moms like me that there are moms out there that don't want to be judgmental.

Usually people want to talk. You can respond with, "That sounds hard." or "You sound frustrated." If you feel you have helpful advice that you really know something about then I agree with Kaye S. Ask if your friend wants to vent or hear your opinion, but be careful here.........If you have the type of kids to follow your direction with no problem you will not understand a child that struggles. So you don't want to come off sounding like you are judging your friend or her parenting. You can tell a friend what works for you, but don't assume that method will work for her. If you are non-judgemental and open minded your friend will probably appreciate ideas.

i guess you could tell the truth when facing such situations. like you can say: i don't understand kids, i don't understand what it means to raise children unless they have a remote control and on/off button. really, and that i can't stand out of control kids. nothing else you can say. obviously, if you don't have the sympathy built in your genes, and if you do not have the care about other people, and their struggles, you can't really fake it.

First of all do some research on things like sensory issues , or spirited children, or things like ADHD. Maybe on this site look up these things and see what advice was given. Then when it comes up , say something like," I read somewhere that "Rasing your spirited child " ( useing as an example) is a big help with __________."
In some cases yeah they do grow out of it, Also maybe asking what they do , do.

I like Amanda feel like I've pretty much had to deal with it all. We have sensory issues, ADHD , spirited , possible OCD . and sometimes I know I sound like a know it all ,but I just like to pass on the information I've learned , tricks I've learned etc.

I'm assuming here that you don't have any kids. If that is the case, unfortunately, if that is the case, you are going to hear...."you don't have any kids so you can't possibly understand." So if that is the case, I would not volunteer unless you are directly ask. Saying that, does not by any means you may not have valuable information to give!!!
You can always do the salesman thing, and when they ask you, ask them the same question right back....so if they say, I just don't know what is wrong with Fred, what do you think? Look at them and say, wow, that's a good question, what do you think might be the reason for him acting this way? Then they will talk and thank you for the input!
It will also depend on how good of friends you are with the parent and how well they take the truth, so judge that before you respond......
Good luck and take care..........