My best friend's son (who happens to be my Godson) is a complete nightmare. He's 5 1/2 years old and he acts like my son who is 2 1/2. In fact, my 2 year old acts better just because the 5 year old should know better. He gets my son in trouble. My friend is completely oblivious to where her son is and what he is doing. So when my 2 year old "follows the leader" and does what the other kid is doing, I get onto him. When the 5 year old sees that my son is in trouble and his mom doesn't get onto him, he starts to taunt my son and act out more just to rub it in my son's face that he can't do whatever it is at that moment. It could be anything from running off at the park (which leads me to chase them and my friend to not have a clue that they've run off ), throwing sand, running around in a store, not sitting in his chair at a restaurant, etc. An example that comes to mind is; at the mall my son had to stay in his stroller and her son was supposed to be but kept getting out. He would then run back in forth in front of my son yelling "na na na na" and "come on get out". Which my son being only 2, threw a fit b/c i wouldn't let him run around the store too. I then asked the boy to get in his stroller so my son would stay in his, of course he didn't and contiued on. His mother was standing there the entire time talking about clothes (apparantly to me but i was paying attention to the kids so i had know idea what she was saying). She never said anything to correct him so I took my son into the mall to wait for her. I feel like I'm getting onto my son so much when he's just doing what the bigger kid is doing. It's to the point where my husband and I don't want to be with them b/c of their kid. Which I'm not ignorant, I know kids will be kids, but he is 5 YEARS OLD!! He's mean, mischeavious, and just plain doesn't listen. I'm a pretty laid back mom but I expect a 5 year old to act and listen better than my 2 year old. Our other friends feel the same way. But how do you tell your best friend that her son is a hellion? I don't want to lose my friend but I just don't have the patience for her son. HELP!! Sorry for the novel length story.
Thank you all so much for your advice. I have not had an actual "talk" with my friend but I changed some plans on her. Next month we were all (me, my husband, her, her husband and both of our boys) were planning on going to a Cardinals game. I'm not so much worried about how my son would act without hers but with hers it would be total chaos and miserable for everyone. So, yesterday I emailed her and told her we had decided not to take our son b/c we wanted a break and didn't want to have to constantly be getting onto him and he would disrupt the people around us. Which is all things I'm worried about from her son. I told her we would enjoy ourselves much more without kids and they were still welcome to come but we were leaving our son at home and they should do the same. I hate blaming this on my son but she really does not think her son is a problem and would bring him anyway. Well, that was yesterday and I haven't gotten a response. She always responds back to me. Uh Oh. I may have made her mad by uninviting her son. Oh, the tickets are ours so we invited them to go, so they're tickets are free.
Personally, I would say something. Maybe just not make it a huge deal, but just little comments. Like if you are with her saying, "dosen't that bother you", and if she says no, then say, "well my son's not allowed to do that".
I'm sorry you are in that situation, that sucks. This is the best advice I can think of.
Oh my goodness, it sounds like my friend with her son! If you would have said that he was almost 4, I would've been very curious as to the name of your friend!! lol
okay, so my friend also has a HORRIBLE son! He hits and pushes and down right doesn't listen. He knocks drinks over, cries and whines, is very physical with other children, and throws outrageous fits! I got to the point where I only get together with her if we're meeting somewhere where the kids can play, like the Jefferson Pointe play area, or when it can just be her and I. I didn't feel right having him around my kids with the way he was treating them. I mean, same thing, she would hardly ever do anything! When she did, it would be something that was completely ineffective. Like giving him a time out, but after he starts crying, immediately going over to him and holding him and telling him that he needs to stop crying because he's in time out. I mean, it drives me crazy! Plus, he'll be 4 in June and isn't even close to being potty trained, but she's wanting to potty train her girl who's not even 2!!
So, now that you can see that I'm in the same boat, I can tell you from personal experience that you should NOT tell your friend anything. Let her learn on her own. She must be in denial if she's not noticing it by herself. It will probably take a teacher or someone in an authoritative position for her to finally realize that her child is a problem child. My friend has told me on several different occasions about being somewhere and having other mothers tell her son to please stop pushing their child (once she confronted one of them, they informed her that they weren't sure where his mother was and they apologized. They probably couldn't tell who the mother was because she never pays attention to what he's doing either, just like your friend). Anyway, my friend got totally mad and was saying that that lady and noone else for that matter had any right to judge her as a mother. She never ever has looked at it as her child maybe needing more discipline. In every single case she's told me about, her answer to their comments were always about judging her as a mother, or even worse, that they "must be prejudice". Your friend could react the same way, maybe not, but it's a possibility. I'm telling you that it's easier to just adjust the time you spend together. Our time together is spent over phone calls or else dinner with just the two of us, and like I said an occasional play date somewhere. I do NOT have them over at my house anymore though, and if I stop by her house, I don't stay for more than a half hour or so. Sometimes there are those moms who think that their kids' behavior is "normal" and "something they'll grow out of". It's just an excuse for their completely evident lack of discipline skills if you ask me....
I think I would say something to her. Politley explain that you don't think the kids should play together anymore. Tell her that her son causes yours to misbehave. I know it's hard to tell a friend something like that, but it has to be done. If the behavior doesn't get corrected now, it will just get worse. It will end up driving a real wedge in your friendship (more than it already has). Not to mention, the trouble the little guy can get into later in life. It's a hard conversation to have, but if she's your friend she'll understand. You could also get her a Mother's Day gift. Perhaps a book on discipline?
You might as well say something now even if it hurts the relationship with your friend. If you don't, you'll end up not being friends anyways because you don't want to be around her kid. It's better to be up front now than to stop being her friend without ever telling her why.
WOW! Your friends son sounds a bit like my niece. I however have the luxury of living two states away so I only have to deal with it a few times out of the year. I always feel like I have to police her while her mother...my soon to be ex-sister-in-law just sits there as if nothing is going on! How do you tune out your kid like that???
I guess my only advice would be to try explaining your feelings to your friends as calmly as possible. She will probably get upset or angry but at least you are being honest. Either that or you can simply go out with her only when you have someone to watch your kids. She may get the point eventually.
I really hope this works out for you! No one wants to lose their best friend!
If your friend seemed to know or care how aweful her son is behaving, I would say that you could just ignore it and hope with time that it would improve, but it sure doesn't sound like she notices or cares. This is NOT normal behavior for a 5 year old, and if it were, we would need to have group parenting meetings about socializing our kids. I have a nephew who is now 9, and when he was younger he acted in a similar way. My sister and her husband knew he was misbehaving, but my sister didn't want to be too strict, and she said she was "choosing her battles." It finally led to him being asked not to continue attending the preschool he had been attending, and, although his behavior is improving, continues to spend a lot of time in the office at school.
Regardless of the reason, I can't imagine that your friend is really THAT oblivious to what is going on. I'm guessing ignoring it is her coping mechanism, because if he acts like that to everyone else, he must act like that to her, too. Because this is such an important time in his life and his behavior (and sucess as a student) through school will be shaped by these years, you need to talk to your friend. Point out that you care about her - and him, and want to help however you can, whether it is getting her a parenting book, being willing to talk about her issues with him, or just moral support when she needs to discipline him. We all hope we never have children like that, and would want to do something about it if we did. I'm guessing she just has tried to fix it, and has given up because she doesn't know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to add that many friendships have ended between mothers who parented very differently. It's a touchy subject to approach with her but you can't stand her son otherwise so it's almost a no win situation. I have drifted away from several old friends because of similar problems but I've found new friends too.
I would begin to keep some distance from her and when she asks why you are not as available, maybe mention that your son really has a hard time being around her child due to the different ways that you both raise kids. You are not being over protective. I have been in this same situation with a friend of mine. She continued to raise her daughter in the same way your friend did, and I was more like you. I do not believe in letting a child act up and run all around the store etc...Your friend needs to learn to parent. She has lost control, and is so far gone, she blocks it out. I hope you either continue to be friends, and ask your friend if she doesn't mind if you can help with hers (actually sit his butt down or to support you when you tell them to do or not to do something), which you shouldn't have to, but if you want that friendship, you will have to make up for the lack of parenting for her.
What is most important here is that your child not feel tormented. My daughter, who was in the same place as your child, understood that mommy was going to maintain control of her, adn that I absolutely did not agree with how the friend parented. We had our little talk before we met up with them, so she was told that if the other kid ran around, that she was not going to able to, and to ignore the other kid. Let yours know that that behavior is unacceptable, and that it isn't what is best for that kid either.
***As long as you and yours stay connected, continuously communicate (between your family) about how you and your child know it is wrong, it will be okay.
**If you feel that your childs behavior is turning toward the other kids, you need to have a talk with your friend and explain it to her....but do not compromise your child and husband's happiness.
That friend of mine and I are no longer friends because of how we were different that way. The thing is it wasn't just with her kid. The attitude she had that allowed her kid to run wild, showed other unfavorable qualities that turned out to make our family miserable. So we went our seperate ways, and are SOOO much happier...no undue stress...no having to grit my teeth...
Sorry for blabbermouthing....I just had a second to respond, and no time to edit or collect my thoughts. Hope I helped though....good luck.
A.
I know you probably want to get out and do things with other moms and kids, but my advice is stay away from social outings with her and the kids. Continue to see her for moms'-night-out stuff, but tell her you can't handle the way her son behaves and the way it affects your son so you'd rather just do things sans-kids until he can learn to behave better.
