BAD, Bad Kids.

I wouldn't let them back in my house and that would be before my husband had anything to say about it.
I'd be tempted to have her to pay damages.
If you want to keep this friendship - get separate sitters (all the kids stay at their own homes) and see her without kids.

They would NOT be allowed in my home. If you want to stay friends, you probally can't be honest with her and should meet at McDonalds or the park.
I am thought of as the one to go to for an honest answer and straight advice. People insist they want to know, then shoot the messenger. Only tell her if you think there is a chance she will change. Then tell her for the kids' sakes.

Sorry - but I would have ended the play date when they dumped the candle into the aquarium.

YES!! she needs to be told. If she was there - what the heck was she doing??? if she wasn't being a parent - then that's HER bad - not yours.

Call your insurance company to see if they will pay for the figurine or paintings replacement.

I would tell her that until she becomes a PARENT - she nor the children are allowed into my home. We can meet some place or to go their home - but until they can show respect for their parent, other people and other people's belongings - they are NOT ALLOWED in my home. PERIOD.

She won't take you up on the parenting and discipline. Why? because she is afraid to take control and BE A PARENT.

Good luck.

Tell her the truth. Tell her that her kids ruined all of your things and you are wondering what she is going to do about it! Tell her that their behavior is atrocious and it won't be tolerated. Your husband has banned them from the house. What a sad, sad story!!! Did you confront mom and tell her they need to stop it?

If you want to continue friendship with mom, say you will meet HER for coffee/movie/dinner etc. ALONE. Good luck

EDITED: I just saw your SWH. Honey, why are you taking on some of the blame here? Because you didn't anticipate how horribly those children would behave? Because they didn't obey you? Maybe the play date should have been cut short, but you've been trying to be a tolerant and good friend. Just... a little too lenient and tolerant. The situation isn't good for anyone. Don't you shoulder the blame for this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's reached the point where you can't lie to her. They were so incredibly disrespectful and destructive... and YOU were the one disciplining them, not her. It sounds like she's given up. She thinks she "can't" parent and therefore she doesn't? Is that it?

I wish I didn't understand your position but unfortunately I do. I've had to inform a good friend that their child was no longer welcome in my home until their behavior was under better control. She knew I was right so although it stung both of us, it was a wake up call for her. It was one for me too. My children cried when her kid was over because he was mean, rude, destructive, disrespectful, had no boundaries, and was an all around tornado. My husband had the same edict: he's not allowed back in our home or to any of our events until the behavior is changed for the better. In our case, that meant after my friend left her husband and had less influence over their son.

I have a couple of points in there. What you're currently doing is no longer working. She's not doing anything at all, and that's not working. You're going to end up resenting her for that, and you'll end up not enjoying her company so much. It'll be worse for your friendship if you DON'T say something.

Your children see this behavior, and they see that those children are not getting real consequences. Your children are aware that it's not appropriate and have commented on it, and that's a sign that they're not enjoying the time spent with these children any longer. It's not fair to make them spend time with children they can't like and respect because these other children are destroying their home and property, upsetting their parents and getting away with it.

Your husband. He lost some very valuable things too and his wants and needs were very clearly expressed. It sounds like he's tolerated a lot, and he's right that enough is enough.

Your family's needs to not have these children in your home are more important right now than being polite to your friend and her little terrors. She needs some bluntness regarding the behaviors and the discipline. She can choose how she reacts, and then you choose your response to her reaction. Stand firm that you will support her, but that it can't be in your home. Suggest that you get together without the children for a while. Don't talk about the children after the confrontation. But I do think there has to be a confrontation.

"Sweetie, it's time we had a serious talk. You know I love you and your children. The problem is that lately, I've felt stressed out over discipline issues when the children are playing. The last time you visited, there were many irreplaceable valuables ruined and it upset Jack. My children's favorite toys were broken and had to be thrown away. I had to throw out several decorations that were around the house too. It seems like these incidents occur more frequently and I'm not sure how to improve the situation or help you, but Jack has requested that we move play dates to a neutral location or to your home for a while. I have to admit that I like that suggestion. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings. I felt that things have reached a point where it makes me a better friend to say something than to keep it in and not be truthful."

Then give her a chance to talk. Stand firm about meeting elsewhere and then suggest meeting up without any of the children in tow.

I have a great friend who I could not stand her parenting. I kind of stopped planning playdates for awhile. Just hung out on mom nights out type things. It really put me in a negative place to be with her and her child. It would affect me for days afterwards. Now her daughter is 9 and is more tolerable, but I don't see them as much. Kind of ruined our close relationship.

Let her know that you can only spend time with her without her children in the future because they willfully damaged your possessions. Her kids are not rascals. They are hellions. They need consequences for their behavior - and SHE needs consequences for their behavior because she is responsible for it.

O M G

You tell your friend the TRUTH. That is BEYOND!! Maybe she needs that kind of wake up call to start disciplining her kids. I agree w/ Cheryl O, I would have ended that darn visit pronto. May I suggest parenting courses? Yikes. 'Little rascals?' Hmmm. Little Terrors.

Be a true friend and tell her why that are not allowed at your house...that you and your husband are in agreement on it. If she asks for more information, tell her what you told us. She needs consequences to her actions (not parenting) as do her kids. I honestly would have a hard time even going to her house....how can you have time to visit with all that chaos?

I would have ended the playdate before I got so frazzled and let things get out of hand like that.

Be honest if she wants to come back over. Be honest and tell her that her children damaged things in your house and you can't afford fto have things broken, damaged, etc. Let her know the extensiveness of the damage so she is fully aware of what they did.

Where were you and this mom when this was happening?

I'd meet in a neutral place from now own, park, restaurant playarea, etc.

If someone shows disrespect for my property, they are no longer invited to my house.

omg. yes, i'd have a quiet, honest chat with her after i got my breath back.
and i'm totally with your husband. no more monster kids at your house.
:( khairete
S.

You have received some great answers. I honestly think you need to sit down with her without kids and have a frank discussion. Be prepared for the friendship to suffer but that is what needs to be done. Sometimes being a good friend sucks. You won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know. I would be very upset with the amount of destruction your are describing.

"Friend, I'm sorry to tell you this, but when the kids were here yesterday they shattered my husband's hand-painted figurines. I'm letting you know so that you can talk to them about it. My husband is very upset as they cannot be replaced, and to be honest, I'm upset too. I am not asking you to do anything to replace them since that's not an option, but I think it would be best if play dates are at your house for a while to come, where your kids are in a more familiar setting and have their familiar toys around them."

She likely will get huffy and defensive, or if she's a good egg who just doesn't have a clue about how to control kids, she might be apologetic. But she DOES need to know that the children destroyed something irreplaceable. I'm not sure why the kids were able to get their hands on so many things (figurines, markers on drums, decorations etc.) -- were you an she in another room while the kids played? Anyway, it's done now, and I agree with your husband: Those children are not welcome any more. I would not put that way to her if you value HER friendship as an adult, but I would tell her as above that it's simply best for her kids to be in "their own familiar surroundings." Possibly until they graduate from high school, it seems....If she suggests later play dates at your house, ensure they are OUTSIDE only and/or counter-offer meeting at a park or some other place not your home. If your own kids want to see hers, ensure that it's not indoors at your house. Or tell her that your kids are just so busy with activities they can't play just now.....

You mention that you've even offered to help her discipline them -- don't! This is not your job. It's on her and her husband, not you. If you like her, and clearly you do, start to build time with her when the kids are not there. If they're in preschool/K, see her in those hours only. Invite her on a weekend shopping/dinner outing and specify that it is "moms' day out without kids" and make it sound like a treat for you both, which indeed it is. But do not see her with her kids any more. She will pay a high price for the lack of discipline but YOU do not have to put up with it.

Ouch, a story that rings so sadly true. Two of my daughter's best friends have sons with developmental issues who behave in exhaustingly destructive ways. The parents are ineffective, sometimes helpless. But it's not, as a previous poster charges, that they are lazy or uninterested. They have kids that professionals can scarcely keep up with, and they are dispirited and tired. They really can't go anywhere with their kids without some unpredictable mayhem resulting.

I've acted as adult on duty a couple of times at my daughter's house when the older (7 years) boy was visiting. I get great cooperation out of most kids I work with, but not this boy. He ran me ragged, and I could never begin to guess what he'd do next. He was just being curious and energetic, mostly, but he clearly had no sense of what might hurt or damage. I just learned that he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. His brain development is not normal for a child his age, and his parents are just as much victims of that reality as outsiders are.

But, back to your friend. You should definitely tell her that her children can't come over because you feel too anxious about what will be destroyed next. Don't make your husband the bad guy – this really needs to be a team effort. Don't insult her parenting, or call her kids names, just tell her how you feel. Nobody can sanely argue with your feelings, and few people will take personal offense if you tell them that you feel sad, distressed, angry, baffled, and/or anxious about something that occurred, and that you just don't want to go through that again.

Good luck.

I am sorry, I have to ask, what were you doing while the wrecking duo destroyed your house?

My friends kids are like mine but you can't control family. When my cousin's kids were younger I followed them around the house. I don't care if it seems rude that is my stuff they are targeting.

Please do your friend a kindness and tell her to her face. Go over there WITHOUT your children and hold her hand and tell her that you adore her, but you just have to tell her that her kids are a mess and she needs help to straighten them out. Use as empathetic a tone as you can muster, even if you're faking it. Tell her that you don't want to lose her friendship by being so honest with her, but a real friend wouldn't just blow her off and leave their friendship hanging in the wind.

Tell her that when your husband found the smashed figurines, he said that her kids could no longer visit.

You don't really need to tell her anything else. She knows the rest. She has heretofore been unwilling to do the HARD work of learning how to discipline them. So now she has to have a consequence for it, not coming to your house any longer. If she is offended and doesn't want you as a friend anymore, than that's just more of a consequence. She'll find herself with no friends.

I'm so sorry that she is short-changing these children, Mom...

Dawn

After the first or second instance of destruction, I would've been done. I don't blame your DH for his decision. Your friend allowed her children to disrespect & destroy your home without doing anything to stop it. What kid of friend allows that? Seriously!! She doesn't sound like much of a friend, IMO.

My biggest advice is to NEVER worry more about a "friend's" feelings than those of your spouse or children. If she is a real friend, you should be able to be honest with her, however, in my experience, most people don't want to hear the truth about their poor parenting, even if they know that it is indeed, the truth. If she can't take it, then her true self has come out.

Personally, I just can't spend time with people whose parenting isn't somewhat on par with mine. She is a lazy, uninterested parent and that says a lot about her character, IMO. Do you want your kids emulating her kids' behavior? Do you think it's okay to force her kids on yours for the sake of your friendship? It's not. And you know this.

Time to get real & tell her that you cannot allow her kids to disrespect your home or rules ever again. That you can't allow her kids to negatively influence and torture your kids. That you can only be her friend (if that's what you want) if it only involves kids free outings.

I wouldn't say anything but next time it's out there that maybe they'd come over to your house, I'd say "sorry but DD was really mad that "sons" ripped up his paintings and broke his figurines last time so we'd better meet at the park or something." That way you are giving her the chance to address the issue without accusing her of anything and you get to indirectly blame your husband for them not coming back to your house and likely impacting your friendship less or not at all. I wouldn't have them over again. Did she apologize at all for the paintings??

Accept the fact that she is not an effective parent and is not even interested in disciplining her kids in the face of all that you list.

Plan playdates at parks only. I wouldn't even go to her home after this experience. I'd be frazzled with what they were going to do to my own kids.
Someone recommended McDonald's. I wouldn't even go there with her as I'd be embarrassed by what her kids could potentially demolish there.

Ditto Stephanie H below..be a true friend and tell her. Although my hunch is that since you did not stop the nonsense happening under your own roof and end the playdate sooner, you are probably afraid of confrontation and will it near impossible to state what Stephanie recommends.

You need to roar louder, my friend. It's your husband castle and you let the disrespectful people into his space.

Sorry - don't have time to read everything. Just wanted to add my quick 2 cents. If this were me, I'd tell her that because items that are special to my husband were destroyed, my husband isn't comfortable meeting at our house any more. Could we meet at a park or your place?

Also, while you might not feel comfortable disciplining others' kids, it's YOUR HOUSE. And I have a my house, my rules philosophy. "At our house, we cannot play on the stairs." or "Our rule is Only Draw on Paper." You have every right to take away items causing destruction!

To play Devil's Advocate, some three year olds cannot be left alone in unfamiliar environments. Some can. But children do need tending. Finally, I homeschool. Unless she plans to be completely isolated, her kids will get disciplined or at least "shunned." If they are in homeschool groups or just go over to folks' houses, her kids will at some point be told what is OK and what is not OK or they won't be invited back.

My husband and I have friends like this. Their kids are just loud and obnoxious. We handle it simply by not really inviting them over. And we barely see them. It sucks socially because they are nice people. But I can't stand their kids! We have never told them about it, though.

I am not one to stand by and not take matters into my own hands. I would have looked her in the eyes and said are you going to make them stop or am I. Then she would have had about 15 seconds to make up her mind.

I would have sat them firmly in time out by my legs and if they got up they would get sat down again. They would have had a swat on their hiney if they didn't get the idea they were out of control but that is fine between me and my friend. If my kids are at her house she can swat them if their at mine I can swat them. It's always been like that between us.

I think that these kids were given way too much freedom which is on you too. Knowing them like you do you knew there was a risk here for damage.

I would have told her she was going to have to leave and that if the kids could not be left with a babysitter next time we got together then we'd have to meet up someplace like McDonalds or Burger King and let them run amok in the playground area.

I think I agree that you should just tell her your husband isn't comfortable with meeting at your place anymore because those were special to him... and maybe just the fact that she isn't welcomed at your home anymore due to her children will be a wake up call in itself. Good luck! I have a similar situation with my friend and her son, and I have tried to make comments here and there ... but it's not getting through... so I will probably have to be doing the same thing soon. I don't know how to tell her I don't want her son in my home. My daughter does not behave the way he does, and I also feel shocked when I see some of the messes he makes and things he breaks. Last night he put our kitten in the toilet and said it was because he wanted to go #2 on her... talk about speechless. Our poor kitten was so traumatized.