My 16 year old daughter is a good girl, as are her friends. I love them and trust them so I don't have an issue really with that.
But my daughter's BFF's parents are divorced and I've had problems now with 3-4 years (as long as the girls have been friends) with the mom. She even told me once that since she and 'Bob' were divorced and she works so much that when she has the girls she will do whatever she needs to to make them happy! Translation = the FUN mom. I'm actually surprised that 'Susie' is as grounded as she is, but probably because she lives with dad 1/2 time who is reasonable and rational. And the ONLY time our daughter has been in SERIOUS trouble is when she has been with BFF and her mom. *Granted nothing major, but just things where I think more responsible moms would say, "Hey give your mom a call and tell her we decided on the 8 pm Harry Potter and it's a 3 hour movie. "
So DD tonight asks if she can go to a concert Wednesday night. "Fun Mom" bought tickets to the concert that A) is on a school night B) in a not so good area of town, C) is willing to let 4 teen girls go by themselves and D) Did NOT ask me, the other mom involved my thoughts!
On one hand, yes DD is now 16 and should know better, but who exactly is the responsible adult here? Why in the sam hell, would you buy tickets to a concert on a school night and not ask the other parents if they cared?
Just not sure if I'm over reacting or not.
To Clarify: First thank you so much for the responses so far. I truly appreciate all thoughts. I think several of you are right, it's not so much that it is a school night because these girls are good students. And agreed they are up late anyway between sports practices, homework etc. And I even can be the "fun" mom once in a while. I took these same girls to see David Cook and the Black Eyed Peas. But I contacted parents first to make sure they were OK with it. I think my issue is that I wasn't contacted and the other mom is OK with letting these teen girls go alone. This outdoor theatre is where we have our Summer Broadway Series, Starlight Theatre for anyone in the KC area. But not only are the theatre patrons different than an alternative band group of fans. But one wrong turn out of the area and these girls, (MY daughter was going to be the expected driver by the way), are in a pretty rough part of town!
She did go to the concert and fun mom drove and picked up. She did NOT get home until 11:30 pm but her little behind was up at at school Thursday.
A sincere Thank You for all the responses! My kids are not perfect, they are human kids! But they are good kids. And there was very little planning with this. I finally called the ex-husband of the the fun mom (yes, I know I could have called her but. . . ) and he too was not going to let the girls drive themselves to the area of the concert. Funny, I heard almost the exact same response from him, my mom, my brother and another outside mom. All said that one wrong turn out of the venue and the 4 teen girls would be in the worst crime area of KC. When questioned, the fun mom said she always had intended on driving the girls and picking them up. Which very well may have been the plan. But given my 4 year history with this mom, I doubt it.
Bottom line is that it worked out. Thank you one and all for your thoughts!
In good health,
LLK
I'm with you... I would want to be phoned and asked. If so, I'd probably say yes... or offer to drop off/pick up.
What would you have said HAD she phoned?
EEk. I don't know...my daughters are only 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 now so I got nervous just thinking about the kinds of things I'll have to think about down the road. Right now all they want is mommy, playdates and goodies :-)
I would be concerned for my daughter too and to the point I probably would not let her go knowing that anything could go wrong at that time of night and in a rough place....
I agree that she should have asked the girls to ask their parents first.
I have purchased tickets for our daughter and her friends to attend special concerts/ performances that fell in the middle of the week, but I ALWAYS had the girls ask their parents first. (I always also verified).
Some of these events are only 1 date and time in a city.
It is not your fault that she spent the money and if you do not think it is something you want your daughter to participate in , then just say no.
Our daughter and her friends were used to being up late on school nights, either with homework, projects or some sort of practice, so they knew that they needed to get up and go in the morning.. no excuses.
This isnt about the other mom buying the tickets, it's about you deciding whether or not to let your daughter go. you didnt pay for the ticket and were not asked about it beforehand, so you can either tell your daughter yes or no. If the mom would have asked you FIRST, what would your answer have been then? go with that.
Well...she bought the tickets but you don't have to allow your daughter to go, right? It's still your call.
I would be pissed not getting a call to ASK if they could see a later Harry Potter show, I would have given the mom an earful AFTER I grounded my DD.
Just because she pre-purchased concert tickets doesn't obligate you to letting your DD go.
You're not a hardass you're a parent, something your DD's BFF really needs. Stick to your guns, ALWAYS.
A concert on a school night for a 16 year old would be out of the question for me. Kids invite other kids to go places all the time, and 16 Year olds still have to ask if they can go, in my book. That is how it should have gone down...kid asks kid, and sometimes it is yes, and sometimes no. You should have been able to just say no, but, you still can. If it had gone down like it should have, you would still be dealing with your daughter being ticked off with you because you said no, more than likely, but that is how 16 year olds are supposed to feel sometimes!
It is fun Mom's problem that she purchesed a ticket for your daughter not knowing if she could attend, and I think I would be letting her know that you did not appreciate the extra pressure of having the ticket already purchased on her behalf, but that might not change anything, so only you would know if you should say anything or not.
M.
Because she is the "Fun Mom".
Which in my vocabulary translates into "the Mom who wants to be friends with her teen; the Mom who does not respect others parenting methods; the Mom who undermines other parents."
Ugh, I have a hard time with parents like that. I am the opposite, "Hard A$$ mom". My son is 14, and many of his friends parents are the over indulgent, fun parents. Oddly enough, my house, with the rules and expectations, is the house they all want to hang at.
So, it is up to you if you want to allow your daughter to attend a concert on a school night in a dubious part of town without adult supervision. Honestly, my boy would not be allowed to go - I take issue with him, or anyone, making plans for him without consulting me.
If you don't want your daughter to go, simply explain to the "Fun Mom" that while you appreciate her purchasing the ticket(s), you do not allow your daughter to go to such late night events on a school night. And remind her to ask you first, before she plans something like this.
Good Luck and God Bless
That would have aggravated me too . . . it's a bit manipulative to buy the tickets in advance without asking first (or having your daughter ask). Then that puts you on the spot to let her go so that the money isn't wasted (and so that you aren't the "bad guy" spoiling all the fun).
You and your daughter need to talk about this situation and how to resist that kind of pressure. I would almost want to make a statement and say "no, she can't go on a school night. I will reimburse you for her ticket but please don't do that again in the future."
This could be a big learning experience about boundaries.
JMO.
I wonder if your daughter told this mom she wanted to go and is now getting around to asking you. You have said that your daughter doesn't always make the best decisions when she is with her friend and mom but your daughter is 16....old enough to make smart decisions that you would support. They are not making your daughter misbehave, she can always say "no".
I second Laurie A. answer.
Either if you let her go or not, I would talk to the other mom that next time she may want to ask you first.
I am already "not so fun mom" sometimes from saying no to some stuff to my teen, I would not find it funny to be put in the spot just because the other mom want to be the "fun mom".
always ask first!
school night concerts are okay....as long as it's only occasionally ....& not a regular thing.
since this is a school night, is the concert at a bar/club?
the girls should have a chaperone!
Well... Fun Mom should have asked you first before inviting your daughter along especially if you and she have a history of butting heads with parenting issues. However, if there's a chance that you can add one more ticket to theirs maybe you can go with them as a chaperone even though it's a school night. Then all four of the girls would have an adult with them in a bad part of town, you could be certain that they wouldn't get in trouble, and they'd still get to see the concert. Sometimes the "it's a school night" thing can be ignored if it's a one time thing, and this might be one of those times where the girls really appreciate it. You would also be taking control of the situation and can still come out looking like A Fun Mom That's Not Trying To Be A Friend and not quite as hardass.
You'd also be perfectly justified in saying no, end of story.
I think with most things, you should be able to trust your daughter to make the right decision, check in with you if she's out or going to be late, whatever. Your daughter should at least know on her own to run things by you and make sure you are okay with them before just going along with her friend's mom. But it seems like with the concert (and in general) this mom is trying to be "The Friend" rather than "The Mom". You might just have to tell your daughter, sorry, not on a school night, not in that part of town, not with no other adults present. Then tell the other mom, sorry, but you should have checked with me first.
Nope, not overreacting. Your just a good mom.
No you're not over reacting IMO; she should have consulted you first, she put you in a very hard spot with your daughter because now you have to decide about letting your daughter go to a concert on school which you had no intention whatsoever of buying tickets for. I think it was very sneaky on her part...
fun mom is a twit. no way should she have done this without checking with you first. i'm glad you have a responsible child or a mom like this could be real trouble. it may be time for a talk with fun mom.
as for the concert, i'd let her go (16 year olds are old enough to handle an occasional late weeknight) but i would drive them, pick them up, and make sure they all have cellphones and know to stay together.
your daughter is awesome. fun mom is trouble.
khairete
S.
I would have been upset if someone had bought tickets to an event for my daughter without checking with me first to see if it was ok for her to go.
You're not being crazy about the permission and going alone issues. We've gone to concerts in places my husband would never let me go alone, and I'm an adult who can kick pretty hard. :) Also, concerts don't have an "end" time. Unfortunately, they do tend to be on school nights. Have you roped your daughter into just letting you know when something is coming up that they are interested in doing that involves this friends' mother? I mean, I can't imagine the woman would buy tickets to a show without knowing if the girls even want to go. At least you know the mom's personality (which is not to ask) and if your daughter can be more responsible it would allow her to still do fun things with this friend on occasion without major issues.
Is she the "fun mom" or the "irresponsible one acting like her teeanger"?
Sounds like this mom has a history of irresponsibility and I'd have said, "No, we weren't consulted before hand and I am not comfortable with it you going, you driving, the part of town and the night. If the plan hinged on you, it should have been discussed prior to the tickets being bought." I also don't think you need to feel any guilt or change your schedule to chaperone or buy another ticket. It's her problem that she didn't consult you. And she wants your presumably novice driver to be the one driving? With only other teens in the car? Is that even legal (my stepkids had restrictions til they were 18 - by law). Nice to shove responsibility to a 16 yr old.
If you haven't already, you should also sit down with your daughter and say, "Look, I'm not looking to make you and x not be friends but sometimes her mom isn't the most responsible person. When she does things like this without thinking it makes it hard on everybody - you, the other kids, the other parents. When you hang out with x, I need to hear from you more and I need you to be responsible for calling me BEFORE you jet off to a movie or concert or whatever. Because I care and because she isn't thinking through the full extent of the consequences of some of the things she does or allows."
Or something. Have a heart to heart about this mom. We've had to periodically talk to the kids about things and we gave them a code word so that if they need us to be the mean parents and say no when they don't know how to get out of a situation, we can do. I don't mind being the bad guy if it's not a good thing or even if SD doesn't want to go to the mall that day with such and such friends. If your daughter chooses not to call first and you get angry, then she has chosen the consequences of HER actions, which could include not being allowed to hang with this girl at this girl's home. For example.
I was going to rock concerts with just my friends at this age and all of the concert venues in Dallas were not in good areas. Can you just drive them and pick them up? I would think its your child's responsibility to get your permission...not the other girl's mom. I recall my parents buying me tickets to concerts and I could invite whomever I wanted. If my friends' parents wouldn't let them go....I would invite someone else.
i do see your point actually; i don't think you're being a hard a**. how does your daughter feel about it? it would be awesome if you could get the other moms together and all of you boycott the concert. other than that, i would not allow my daughter to drive - if she goes, the mom has to drop off and pick up, that would be my condition. while for justice's sake i would immediately want to say HELL NO - probably not fair to your daughter if she has her hopes up. but that mom needs to grow up. i would have a hard time allowing the girls to hang out together by this time. hang in there mom!
I think you should let the other mom know exactly how you feel, and what your concerns are. Thank her for inviting your daughter, but then tell her that for all activities like this, where teens are going unsupervised, and it's a weeknight/school night, she needs to check in with you first--what if there had been another activity your daughter had been schedule for. And/or you do not feel comfortable having them drive themselves down.
Be prepared for the other mom to say "But I thought your daughter already okayed it with you," or some such excuse.
BTW, my parents would never have let me or any of my sibs do this activity, as described. They may have relented and agreed to drive us and pick us up (or, if there had been an older, trusted teen that they knew well, might have allowed that person to drive/pick up and drop off).
Well, my oldest step daughter is 11, but I can tell you that her mom acts the same at times as the "fun mom" in your situation. As a mom of two boys that will one day be apart of that crowd, I know I would put my foot down and say no. It is in a rough part of town and they are going without an adult. Trust your gut instinct, they did not ask you and you know that area well enough to know it is not the safest. This would be one of those times that I would brainstorm and realize the safety issues involved. This could be that "one" time that something does happen. And of course we all know from experience that in a crisis situation that most teenagers loose all sense of common sense and just panic. This is the last thing you want to happen. Your DD will thank you in the long run if you just explain your position and back it with examples and proof if needed. It worked for me with my step daughters. I have had to show news articles and photos to get them to understand something they thought..."it won't happen to me". They are "invincible" at that age...but you are a parent..a strong mom. Stick with that. FOLLOW YOUR GUT AND YOUR HEART AND BE THE PARENT/MOM YOU KNOW YOU ARE!!
A lot of parents try to 'overcompensate' with their children because they feel guilty about a divorce(myself included). She probably bought tickets and told her daughter to invite who she wanted to go. If you don't feel comfortable then don't let your daugher go-the friend can invite someone else. If she invities her to a movie and your not ok w/it don't let her go. Everyone's perception of parenting is so different you just have to go w/youf main instinct on if you think its right for your child. Because she seems to let her daughter stay out late every now and then doesn't make her a unreasonable or unrational parent. I would probably be ok w/my child going to the concert but not driving.
I did not read all of your responses, but I can tell you, that I know exactly where Starlight Theater is, and I would never let my kid go there alone. You are right, one wrong turn, and there could be trouble. Is any parent willing to go with the kids? I know that may "spoil" the fun of them being alone, but maybe someone could drive them at least? I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
Are 16 yo's even allowed to be out on the road past midnite? And are they allowed to have more than one teen in the car with them at 16?
My daughter is 15, 16 next week, she gets her license this sumer. I would definitey say no to this and lay some rules down with her. Let her use you as the scapegoat. Let her know that this is dangerous.
YOur daughter sounds very grounded and can understand unhealthy choices. This is the time you have to step up and tell her how the other mom is trying to remain the fun mom and some of her choices are not what is best.
She is to let you know where she will be. Not because you are a harda** but because she is at an age where sheh needs to take responsibility.
I'm sure dad always lets you now where he is and you let him know where you are going. Same rules apply, this is common curtesy. She will understand that.
Sounds like you have a great daughter. SHe is growing into a lovely young lady. Let her have some rules on how to deal with people in charge who make poor decisions.
