Problems with Neighbors

Updated on July 03, 2008
F.J. asks from Salt Lake City, UT
4 answers

About 3 yrs ago my two teenage boys (14 & 17 at the time) had a confrontation with our neighbors wife when she ran over their skate board ramp. They called her a B*%@# because she just walked into her house and told her 10 yr old son to go clean up the mess never acknowledging what she had done. I did go over and apologize for what the boys had said, I was very embarrased and thought I had raised them better than to talk to an adult this way. They had never done it before and never since. She never said she was sorry for what she did or offered to fix or replace it. She was crying about what they had said & I felt bad for that. She forbid her kids to play with ours for a while after that, then things blew over and kind of went back to normal. We do alot of stuff with their kids & sometimes her husband like BBQing, holidays, kids birthdays, hanging out in the yard ect. She is not really friendly and just stays inside watching TV and does not do a whole lot with her family. I spend tons of time with her kids they are always at my house they eat with us almost every night. I take them swimming to parks, movies, whatever I'm doing with my kids I do with theirs because I feel bad that they don't do things with them. We don't really hang out with the husband as much as we used to before this happened but I feel like thats more because he has started drinking heavily and I don't like how he acts when hes drunk. Then last night her husband came out and started telling me that his wife is still dealing with this issue that they are putting their house up for sale and moving because I never made my boys go over and apologize to her. I thought ARE YOU SERIOUS? almost three yrs later and shes crying about this. He was drunk, and continued to tell me that he thinks I should have made them say sorry and punished them alot more severely than what I did. I did not make them apologize, (they were mad she damaged their stuff did nothing about it & never said sorry either.) Maybe I should have made them ,but if it's not sincere is it really an apology? I told her I felt bad & I was sorry they had said that. I really was. He continued to go on telling me I don't make my kids do enough around the house and yard and that when they do something wrong I need to start spanking them. My kids are 6 8 16 & almost 20. I'm not really a spanking parent but my kids are pretty good and don't get into alot of trouble either. I talked to my 16 yr old about this last night and he said "mom if your asking my to go apoplogize I'm not going to, I'm over it and she should be too" I dont want them to move, I adore their kids. So Should I make my kids apologize after all this time? Or just ignore my drunk neighbors rambling?

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J.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

It sounds like they have deeper issues than what happened with your boys, probably stuff that has nothing to do wih you. It's just easier to blame someone else than look at their problems. In all honesty, it's not really your business if she's depressed or he's hiding in the bottle. But maybe they are asking for help in the only way they know. You may want to talk to them when things are calm and just say 'we heard you're selling your house, we'll miss you, is there anything we can do to help out?'
I would suggest trying to stay in contact with the kids, but be careful to not be seen as 'turning them against their parents'. It also depends on their ages - teens are a lot easier to stay in contact with than younger kids i think.
As far as your boys apologizing, it may have been appropriate at the time to have them apologize but I'm not sure if there would be any lesson in that now. And totally ignore the advice the dad gave you about raising your kids...but then i'm sure you know that.

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K.D.

answers from Salt Lake City on

If something this little is going to eat away at her for 3 years, then what's next? She'll just find something else to be mad at you or your kids about. I say let them move and hopefully you'll get better neighbors. It's too bad their kids have parents like that.

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E.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Ignore the ramblings. It's possible that there is an underlying issue in there home, hence his increased drinking, that they are unwilling to deal with. It's clear that mom is not Present even though she is physically there. There could be depression, there could be fights, we don't know because it's their private life. They don't seem to have control of it and he's trying to find another outlet for his frustrations, though it is a poor choice. If he continues to harass you, call the cops, esp if he's drunk. If she had a problem it should have been addressed three years ago.

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D.A.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I think you could be dealing with some people that have mental illness and you should simply say good riddance to the adults. As for the kids...offer to keep in touch by email or phone and still plan to include them in some of your activities. Certainly do not stress over something so trivial that happened so long ago. Good luck to you!

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