This Has Been Bothering Me

Hey you could have worse neighbors.... Mine are drug dealing car theives who helped themselves to my husbands truck tires... I wish the biggest issue I had with my neighbor was him landscaping on my property line. My neighbors idea of landscaping is parking his car in my front yard. He is so awesome!

Let it go. Put a stop to the pettiness. There are so many bigger issues to worry about in life than some bushes. Wave to them. Be the bigger person.

Hi T. L,
So sorry.
I am going to write something you may not agree with, but it comes from my experience and from a place where i want to be of help.
1. It is good you are putting hedges on the correct line.
2. I think your husbands idea of doing some landscaping for them is yes, frustrating...but in the end in your best interest.
3. you get a nicer view and do they. You both get a line drawn. you can be on better neighborly terms.
4. Difficult yes. Would i take a deep breath. yes. so I would just do it and move on.
5. i do not mean in any way to belittle yur frustration. i am also learning how to compromise more so that i have more positive energy in my life.

i hope this helps. It comes from a good place.
Jilly

They may have been petty about it, but sounds like you are continuing to be petty too. Let your husband do what he wants to do, don't hold it against him, and let it go. It's just shrubbery, after all.

2 wrongs don't make a right, T.!! If it's going to make your home look better, just drop the fact that it will also be helping your arch nemesis & get on with the pretti-fying!

Oh dear.

This reminds me of the neighborhood where I've lived for over thirty years. Decades ago, two families on the block got into a big fuss about some noise the kids in one of the families were making. There was back-and-forth retaliation for YEARS (long after those kids grew up and left home) between the two couples. The hard feelings lasted until everybody involved moved away... or died. The rest of us got pretty disgusted.

You can't change the neighbors, and you can't see what's inside their minds. They can't see inside yours, either.

Maybe they think you're still mad at them. Could they be right? Maybe they're waiting for you to make the next move. I sure don't like to speak to people who are mad at me. If I waved or said hello, they might throw apples from their tree at me - or cuss me out, or try to run me down with their car.

Let your husband go ahead with his plans. It won't hurt you, and it will help the neighborhood.

If the neighbors have a problem, let it be their problem. You have enough to do without stewing about 'em. They might turn into friendlier people some time down the road. Or they might move. Please let this issue go and hope it's the worst problem you ever have.

Take the higher road, be the bigger person. You were right and now they finally know it too. The chance of them apologizing is not likely, just move on. Put in the landscaping and have a permanent marker of the property line, so this is never a question again. Smile and wave just as your husband does, it takes too much energy to be upset about something that does not matter anymore anyway. Revel in the fact that you were right and let it go. Good Luck!

T., it sound like your neighbors were petty... but maybe so were you? And now you want your husband to join the party and be petty too. Why would you want him to stop speaking to neighbors? Just to make you feel better?

Have you been waving and acting neighborly all this time and they've been jerks? Or have you been ignoring them too? If you've gone out of your way to be friendly then maybe you have a point, but I'm guessing that your feelings were hurt and so were theirs. Why not be the better person and go over and try to mend the relationship?

As for landscaping on their property... well... it's your money so you do with it what you want. if it will make your house look nicer, then do it!

Either way -

They are embarrassed... They don't know what to say to you. They relate to him better --- so be it. Let it go.
If your DH wants to landscape, let him. It will make your house look better...
As for Sunny D's comment -- get the surveyor out and have him mark the lines - then there will be no issue as to who owns what tree.
LBC

If your neighbor's want to be jerks, let 'em be jerks. What would be funny is every time you saw them, you waved "hello" or smiled at them. Men aren't like us and don't get into all the drama. Your husband loves you, let him wave at the neighbor. But I'm not quite clear why he is paying money to beautify their property? That is what would irk me. If he has that kind of money, have him upgrade something on your property, like well, anything!

I would let it go. We are military and get new neighbors all the time and after the neighbors that would call the police on me for "disrupting quiet hours" when I had a newborn that had colic... I would rather have neighbors ignore me!

Just be the bigger people and do what makes the most sense. Don't make the neighbors' idiocy cause problems between you and your husband. And your husband is right about the curb appeal.

If you let this cause a problem between you and hubby, the idiot neighbors are winning. Do you want to give them the satisfaction? Hubby makes sense, let him do it his way.

I don't think you're being petty. And I don't really get why you have to landscape some of their side... If it's just putting in hedges which they benefit from bc they're on the other side of the hedges, not much you can do. If you guys want the hedges and will benefit from them, I'd make that a separate decision from how you feel about the neighbors. But actually going onto their property and putting something other than the hedges to make it look better? How does that help YOUR curb appeal? But if it does, then make your decision on that. If it doesn't really help you, put in just the hedges and landscape your own side. They still benefit but no way to avoid that and it's for you and your curb appeal. And then I think I'd either be super fake and friendly - waving and saying hello no matter if they ignore you or not. Kind of have fun with it. Or I'd just ignore them too but not waste another minute thinking about them. They're not worth it.

I would take the high road and forget about them. Hubby has the right idea if it's possible that this might ease the tension. Remember, you could move and have even worse neighbors.

A friend of mine, who is a very very dedicated Christian, does everything they can to be upright, decent, honest in all their dealings, etc...built their dream house in an exclusive style addition. They worked hard and treated people right in their family owned business. They were blessed by God with more customers than they can shake a spoon at. 10 Years ago we helped them move from a 3 bedroom wood frame house on the wrong side of town to this beautiful home.

Their neighbors decided they didn't like the church my friends belonged to and basically were horrible to them. They did everything they could to be nice to this person and his family. They took food over when they knew they were ill, they mowed their lawn if they were doing their own and the neighbors needed it, they parked in their driveway only, they didn't have loud parties or family get-togethers, they were very good neighbors.

My friends sold this home and built another one that they like even more and have wonderful neighbors. In this home they have land and are able to have horses for their kids too. They were miserable the few years they lived in the previous home. If the neighbors had decided to change their attitude who knows how it would have changed the outcome.

My thoughts about double hedges, if they are allowed to grow tall, you can't see their yard so much through double hedges. Also the neighbors are kind of out of sight out of mind too.

Jeesh, I sure know what you mean! I've got Gladys Kravitz on one side and Felix Unger on the other! When a fence panel blew down between Glady's house and mine I didn't get it repaired in time, she told me she was going to have a new one put in and send me the bill. I did eventually put in a nice retaining wall and a new fence for $5,000 and she wouldn't even chip in, and she gets the beautiful limestone wall in her backyard since I am a few feet higher. Felix got drunk one night and told me he hated me. Yup, just yelled across the lawn "I hate you". So, I no longer cow-tow to his little whiny complaints (like my ivy growing over the fence).
Neighbors!
~A.

I think keeping my property value would be more important and perhaps that's what your husband is thinking also. He may not really care about the neighbors, but wants to keep his value as high as possible. Our neighbors property does effect our value! I had a situation with my neighbors where they would walk their little dog a couple of times a day and allow he dog to defacate on everyone's lawn as they walked. Two times I came home to find the dog looking for a spot on my lawn to go. And I don't mean right at the sidewalk line, they were actually up on my lawn! One time the woman, the next time her father. I was pulling into my driveway when I saw this both times. Both times I jumped out of my car and said "please don't let that dog sh** on my lawn!" Each time the owner pulled the dog off the lawn and said in a very crappy tone "he's not sh**ing on your lawn" and walked away as if they were offended. This has been well over six months ago. Neither neighbor spoke to me until just very recently, like last week. They continued to speak to my husband, and he to them, but they would ignor me. I didn't and still don't care if they speak/spoke to me and I didn't/don't care if my husband speaks to them. I think civility in the neighborhood is important. Anyway, all of sudden they are smiling and speaking to me again. Who cares! I'm nice, smile back, waive, etc., but I still keep an eye on them with that dog! Bottom line, let your husband do the landscaping. It will benefit you and your family in more than one way!

Okay, so I get that you want your husband to be in your corner. You want people who act like asses toward you to know that they don't get free access to your husband while treating you like trash. I try to explain that to my husband all the time--regarding certain relatives--and he just refuses to get it. Maybe it's a woman thing? We need "our people" to show their loyalty.

I think that your curb appeal should be considered in this only if you are trying to sell your house. If not, let the neighbor do his own doggone landscaping. Your husband can tell the neighbor that you two just decided to focus on your own yard.

(For the record, I think that Amy J. gave a very mature and effective response, but I say to hell with being nice to them when they are being asses. I'm in that mood right now.)

So do you actually wave and they ignore you? Or do you not wave and wait for them to do so first?? Maybe your husband is trying to act like a grown up and move on. Next time they are chatting with your hubby-just walk up and say hello.

We don't get along with our neighbors either on one side but i do realize that it is 50% our problem (they are anal about their lawn and we have dogs and no fence-let's leave it at that). But we also share a lot line and a well-so we do have a civil arrangement.

Our neighbors across the street haven't spoken to eachother in months b/c husband A mowed the lawn and mowed into husband B's lawn... messing up his perfect lines. Seriously.

I wouldn't landscape their yard, but that's just me. Your husband should have run that part by you first. If they wanted to make their side "look nicer", a simple "Hey, I'm putting up some hedges next month along the property line" warning would have been more than enough from him.

I wouldn't be rude, but I also wouldn't be going out of my way to be friendly either!

My previous neighbors got into this fight with their neighbors on their other side. It escalated to chopping down bushes, a fist fight, restraining orders to protect their children, lawyers fees, court appearances, and selling their house for a loss so that they could move away from them. Don't let that happen. Let your husband do what he thinks is best for your yard and for the relations with the neighbors. Keep smiling and waving and let it go.

I'm sorry they are being petty with you. But why does this bother you so much? How about just ignoring them? Isn't life too short to feel this way? I mean I get it. My neighbor just complained about my dog barking even though I never let him bark more than maybe 30-45 seconds before I'm out the door to get him. They have 4 dogs. Why am I being blamed because my dogs little yips to get me to come back and get him are making his 4 dogs bark? I didn't tell him to get an army of dogs. BUT, it's not worth it. I prayed about it for a few days and just decided to work harder to keep my dog from barking.

Your husband is ending the battle. Curb appeal is nice if you ever decide to sell. I really think for your own mental health, you should let it go.

How far was it off by?

Accidentally planting in your neighbors yard doesn't change property rights. If they did actually plant things, as you apparently did prove and you were sure of it why didn't you just dig them up if you didn't like them. If you did like the plants then why did you care.

I don't know really this all seems rather childish.

I will tell you a story. A man and wife moved in next to us three years before my divorce. Apparently just after my divorce his wife left him. He was having a bad day and blew off my wave. I reacted oh, so he hates me now. Without realizing it I was giving him the cold shoulder. It wasn't until my now husband moved in that we talked. Me being the kind of person who will say what is on my mind I said I thought you hated me after the divorce. He said I thought you were mad at me. Kinda silly don't you think?

So why don't you just get over it because I have a feeling it is just as much your attitude as it is theirs. They are talking to your husband because he isn't giving them the cold shoulder.

Oh you know stake surveys solve this problem real easy. It is actually against the law to remove them too. :)

Let it go. We had something similar with our previous home... tree issues, fence issues, shrub issues. We ended up getting the survey, taking down their fence (so our new fence could be installed), removing shrubs, moving their landscaping that was on our property.

They never liked us after all that, and ignored me at every occasion.

I figure, the people who own our old home appreciate all the hard work we did to establish the true property line.

J.

Hello, My husband passed away a year and a half ago. It was just in his personality to be friendly with everyone (no matter how he really felt about them). I couldn't fault him for that. I had people I wouldn't talk to and he did. Didn't bother me. You need to choose your battles. Be the better person and keep waving at the neighbor. Either they will come around, or you will annoy the heck out of them.
K. K.

Hi T.,

I hope you can stand one more response. I haven't read through the thread, so I may be duplicating something someone else has already said. Consider that some people are very embarrassed when they're proven wrong and just don't know how to, or are very uncomfortable, with coming back and apologizing and admitting their error. Perhaps this is what your neighbors are feeling -- they just don't know how to face you.

Then again, you don't say how acrimonious your interaction was with your neighbors several years ago. Perhaps they think of you in the same terms you think of them. Regardless, I agree with everyone else. Bury the hatchet, life is too short for these kinds of petty irritations. Better yet, be the bigger person and go over to see your neighbors. You can tell them how sorry you are that things got out of hand a few years ago (you don't have to claim or assign blame), but that you'd like to be on friendlier terms with them. Or, just smile and wave when they go by. Eventually, they'll probably decide that all's forgiven and there's no "face" to save.

As for the free landscaping, if it's to your benefit and the neighbors wouldn't agree to share the costs but are willing to let your husband do what he wants, I would go for it, as long as your budget can bear it.

If it truly bothers you, consider going with your DH and talking to them or ask DH if he knows what's up with the cold shoulder. Say that you would like to stop the cold shoulder and be better neighbors.

Were it me, I'd probably just move on and let DH put down the shrubs because it will be a definite line. People do weird things. Previous owners of this house would get made with the next guy and plant a tree on the property line. Our back yard is ringed with a strange collection of trees just on our side or just on their side of the line. The people right behind us know who we are, but we never talk to them. They don't have any trees and get testy when our leaves fall in their yard...as has been the case since wacky neighbor #1 planted them. Shrug. It's not really worth worrying about.

I've been here and just recently!!!! My neighbor behind us thought that he owned all the mature trees that line both our backyards and wanted to chop some down to give his yard more "running" space for his kids. When we told him he was wrong he chopped a couple down anyway! I want to sue but my husband wants to play the nice guy. These are huge trees that have been here for many years so to replace them would be WAY out of our budget. I'll keep watching your post cause I'm mad at my neighbor and my husband for blowing it off. Good luck!!

Take the high road. Extend an offer of truce/peace/whatever. Be a grown up.

What if your neighbor gets hit by a bus tomorrow? Wouldn't you feel silly for being irritated about something so silly? Have a barbecue. Open a few bottles of wine and make amends...and maybe some friends.

I hear how difficult this is for you, T.. I've been there myself, in rather similar situations.

And you can, if you choose, be kinder to yourself. Grudges are destructive, often in ways we can't predict until later. One of the ways they destroy is that they erode our own souls, make us smaller than we might otherwise be. Leaving us with less emotional flexibility. Resentment is a heavy weight to carry.

There's a wonderful process available for free to help with this, if you are interested. Get a "Judge Your Neighbor" worksheet at this site: http://www.thework.com/thework.php. Fill it out. Really give that page a piece of your mind, every negative thought you've ever held toward these folks. Then follow the instructions; answer The Four Questions, do The Turnarounds. (You can also see many videos of people doing The Work in group settings, and also on YouTube if you google Byron Katie.) I'd be surprised if you don't feel far more relaxed toward your neighbors afterward.

I always tell my kids the high road is the right road. Even if the other party doesn't respon, you know in your heart that you did the right thing.

When our house waws built the model home was next to ours and the builders took care of what they "thought" was their land and we took care of what they told us was ours. A year later a family moved in. They were putting a fence up and the guy was marking a good 5 feet into my property! So I went out and spoke to him and the family and they got a survey, turns out the builders were wrong. Stinks, but it is what it is. There were no hard feelings, it's not something to have a hissy fit over, so I'm not sure why your neighbors acted so childish. Now...I wouldn't pay for their land at all, but my husband would probably want to. Good thing I handle the money! However, if it does make YOUR house look better and it won't cost too much, why not?

Things to think about...

It's better to be kind, than right.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Is this the example you want to set for your children on how to handle disagreements with people?
If the situation were reversed, what would you want them to do or say?
Do you really want to relive all these negative feelings every time you see your neighbors?
Do you really want this to be a point of contention in your marriage?

I hope things work out for everyone.

Side note: Not to be rude or assume you are considering it, but in my opinion, withholding affection from one's husband until he acts the way one wants him to, not only makes one petty, but immature & selfish too. Marriage is not about making your spouse behave poorly (or punishing them if they don't) because someone hurt your feelings.

They probably just feel embarrassed that they were wrong & just don't know how to approach you. Sometimes some people have problems w/being able to suck it up & be wrong for a change. I've been that way a couple of times & for me, sometimes I'll just muster up the courage & confront the other person but in apology, not in anger or beeing peeved about them being 'right' & me wrong. I've had to learn to 'be wrong' & accept it, then apologize & say "oh huh, ya know you WERE right, I'm so sorry!" but some people just don't seem to have it in them to apologize or know how to smooth things over when they've been proven wrong. I think it's just probably more embarrassement they may feel rather than resentment or anything like that. Course I could be wrong & it might be exactly the way you see things. For me, I'll usually argue the point unless someone shows me different but that's just me & only when I'm absolutely 100% correct. Perhaps you should be the bigger person & say 'hey' to them instead. That will at least show that you're still trying to be friendly towards them & if they still give you the cold shoulder, then at least you tried to be cordial to them & then it'd be on them for continuing to be rude or resentful to you. Hope this helps, good luck!

I would never tell my husband to be rude to someone just because they are rude to me. Maybe if he friends them he can smooth things over and you can all learn to get along, I mean wouldn't it be nice to have neighbors you did not hate?

First of all they owe you an apology...2nd of all i would completely ignore them..3rd of all..no your husband should not pay for landscaping on their property..BUT if it does help your house then maybe he should..hell they're your neighbors..better to not be feuding you know?? but if they're going to be cold to you..then ignore them..and next time your husband tries to fool around w/ you..pull out the.."you know..i'm just turned off about how you don't care about how the neighbors treat me ...makes me feel like i'm not cherished by you" ...yep ol passive aggressive..well that may not be the right way to handle it but hell its worth a try if he can't understand you want him to be in your corner..
i left my ex b/c he was never in my corner..i used to joke and say.."if i were crossing the street and a drunk driver hit me in the cross walk you'd think of a reason to make it all my fault!"

sorry you're going through this..you were right..and they were wrong to take up some of your property..my neighbors put up some ugly fence and tore out plants from my side AND put cement on my side to help hold up their fence..i have since grown vines all over it and we're talking about taking out the cement that is on our side..my boyfriend and i do landscaping so we just went at it to cover the wall..looks much better now..anyway..ONLY let him pay for the landscaping if it truly is better for your curb appeal..

xo

D.

I live on a small cul d sac. Being neighborly is important to me. There are some families that do not speak to each other, because of issues just like yours. Who's the better person? you for landscapong for them? or them for not waving? You sound petty. "they won't wave to me, so I wont give them bushes". who cares if they don't wave. You be the better person.

So you'd rather continue being petty and you want your husband to join you in being petty untill they stop being petty to you? Sounds like a winning idea, LOL. I'm guessing that you were unneccsarily rude to them when addressing the plants years ago. Maybe you've scowled at them for years, too. Only you know. But for the free landscaping *you* got, you seem to have created problem.

You're right that they are being petty and mean spirited. The thing is, if you hang onto your resentment, and allow it to dictate not only how you feel but how everyone else in your family feels, you are being petty as well. Your anger and misery don't touch the neighbors, but they make you miserable. Enjoy the fact that you were right, and let it go.

You will get a great deal of satisfaction out of being, very obviously, the bigger person and the better couple, if you support your husband's plans. Everyone in the neighborhood, and especially your neighbors, will know that you have every reason NOT to care about the neighbors or their yard, but you did it anyway! You'll have a legitimate reason to feel good about yourselves. You, yourself, will be happier.

I think your husband knows this, and he's asked you to support him because he knows that you'll be happier without the anger. It's not really fair to ask if he should be with you when you're not willing to get behind him. The right thing will benefit everybody.

Good luck!

Hi T.,

since your husband is the one who is friendly with them, it would be a great idea for him to bring up the fact that it makes you uncomfortable that they do not say hello to you. He should do this in a supportive manner of you and his concern for you but if he does this in a positive manner, the neighbors will be able to understand that it is bothersome and hopefully change their ways. They may think that you do not care for them from that past...If he is at least able to ask them if they have an issue with you, it will open the discussion and healing or at least some form of peace can be had. As for the yard, if he already offered and they accepted, he can say that he took a quick look at the financial end and ask that they maybe see if they can contribute or at least help out with putting it in.

Good luck and don't let this create too much of an issue with your relationship..hopefully it can be strengthening with him going to bat for you. :)

T.,

Ignore it. Be kind anyways. Its the right thing to do. Maybe they will come around and you will end up being best buds F.- :) Anything is possible. But to carry the stress and burdeon of disliking them etc takes too much energy. Let it go and take the opportunity when your hubby is putting in the lanscaping to go over--say " I know we didn't get started on the right foot-I would like to start over, if thats ok with you. " Open a bottle of wine and share and cheers to new neighbors. GL

M

"Carrying anger is like gripping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone. You are the one who gets burned." -Buddha