Probably a Stupid Question

M.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

You are suffering from separation anxiety. It's that simple. You are leaving your daughter in a safe environment. She's with her father, whom you have said is a great dad!!

You are projecting your past on to your daughter. STOP. You are NOT going to leave her.

All this time you have had her - have you not gone somewhere and left her with daddy? Have you left the room? Put her to bed and left her room? Did she freak out? Did you leave her? Yes, but NOT permanently. She's 14 months old. She is beginning to have a concept of time. Don't you play peek-a-boo with her?

You need to trust your husband to take care of his daughter. You need stop projecting your fears and anxiety on to your child.

You will be fine! Your daughter will be fine!

First of all, this isn't a stupid question. Self deprecation is not warranted here. Stop it.

This is a question about separation anxiety. Little ones do experience separation anxiety, but they quickly get over it once they realize that you consistently return. She'll be unhappy to see you go, and thrilled to see you back. It's totally normal and nothing you should feel guilty or stupid about.

Your husband is a good father. That's why you made a baby together. He'll do a great job. No, he won't do it all exactly like you....get over that. He'll do it his way, and baby will be just fine.

Do you think she thinks Daddy is never coming back every time he leaves the house?
Of course not.
Do you think she thinks you're never coming back every time you leave the room?
Of course not.
She will be fine.

I think you got some good answer already - and your husband leaves every day and she doesn't panic, right?

Did you ever go to counseling after you mom left? If you didn't I would suggest that you look into talking to someone. You've obviously done fine without it, but I think that for a lot of people, the real repercussions of childhood traumas - particularly those that deal with our parents - don't really show up in full force until we become parents.

My step-daughter's mother walked out of her life when she was 13 (2.5 years ago). We had her go to counseling so that she could work through the trauma of abandonment and PTSD. It took several tries to find someone she would talk to and once she did, she unloaded everything, talked to him a few more times and then she didn't need therapy anymore. I suspect that if she ever becomes a mom that she may need to talk to someone again as all of those feelings come up again, but for now, a few sessions with a good counselor helped her to process her feelings in a healthy way. What you experienced as a child was as real and lasting as it gets - talk to someone about it so that you are free to be the best mom you can be and enjoy motherhood without your past haunting you.

I often felt like my kids were crying when I left bc they felt like I might never come back. It's horrible!! But it's normal on both your parts. You just gotta figure everyone goes through it and comes out the other side fine. And it has to happen at some point. It's only now that my kids are over 7 that they totally and completely get that if I go away over night, I will be back. It was younger than that when they understood me going to work but it's a real process for kids to be totally fine with you leaving. But you can't not ever leave her for 5 years! So you'll just have to do it and it'll be ok. I'm very sorry your mom left before you turned 8. The thought of that breaks my heart.

These ladies all have good advice, so I want to address something else you mentioned. You have scheduled the time away for your classes, but it sounds like you have not scheduled the time away for studying. Also, you will need extra time at mid semester and the end of the semester to study for midterms and finals. I did what you are doing once, I had three little boys and I was pregnant. This is what I learned: Schedule time away at least one extra day/afternoon/evening a week to study uninterrupted, like at the library. Allow for a period of time for you to relax and adjust to being home again on the nights you have class. I found it helpful if my husband made sure the kids were asleep before I got home. There will be an adjustment period for all of you, expect it and plan for it as best you can.

If I think of anything else, I'll edit this post. Good luck.

She'll be fine, mama! It is hard to leave your baby (my dd started daycare at 9weeks old because I used up all of my leave and had to go back to work)! Daddy may need some time to adjust, but he will! Besides, it's only about an hour (plus 30 minutes for commute) before she gets in bed. When dd was about 16months old, my husband started a new job out-of-town, where he was gone for 2 weeks and came home every other weekend. Now THAT was hard! I can't even imagine the single parents who do this day-in, day-out! Anyways, when we talked to him on the speakerphone at night, she would get so excited to "babble" with him. And, when he came home on the weekends, she would run to him and spend the whole weekend hanging all over him (following him around like a puppy). She never got upset when he left (I did) and she never seemed to be worried (like he's not coming back). Sometimes we'd get home and she'd walk around looking for him, but she was easily distracted and it didn't seem to bother her too much. He worked like this for 14 months!
What I'm getting at is that this will probably be a harder adjustment for YOU than for HER. And, it's good for daddy to have his "special nights" with her, too (he can do the bath, cuddles, read a book)!
Good luck mama! And, good luck with school--you're doing good things for yourself, your family, and setting an example for your daughter!

It will be good for them both to spend time together. She will be fine.
Her Dad never put her to bed without you. Haven't you ever gone out for dinner with girlfriends? You will be surprised at how well it goes.

all kids have to face this at some point.
they have to.
YOUR anxiety about it will be far, far more upsetting for her than your brief absence.
khairete
S.

See if the school has a student services department that offers counseling. It's usually free. And counseling is SUCH a help.

And she'll be fine. Hubby may be tired when he gets home, but that's life. He's a dad. He'll do fine. It's TWO nights for a few hours, and she'll be sleeping for most of it.

Babies are smarter than people give them credit for. Who ever told you babies don't think into the future was stupid. Think about it, when she was really little, you walked out of the room to get something, did she cry? Nope, now if she needed something eventually she would cry but if she really thought you were gone forever she would cry the minute she couldn't see you and every time she couldn't see you.

If it were true a baby couldn't tell the difference between leaving the room and leaving the house.

By the way, I got all my financial aid awards in April for the fall semester so I suggest you call and make sure everything is okay.

I had to put my son in daycare when he was 2 months old. Within the first 5 minutes of the first day another little boy sneezed on him. I cried all the way to work. However, the daycare provider said my son had the best time. He didn't cry when I left. He is almost 11 now and he never had a problem going to school or staying with a sitter - he always knew we'd come back. You are not your mother. You have learned from your experience and sound like a great mother. Your daughter will be with her father and she'll be fine. She'll be happy to be with him and she will be happy when she sees you. You and your husband should be interchangeable in her mind.... she should feel equally comfortable with both of you. We always feel guilty leaving our kids but the kids do just fine without us for a few hours or even a few days. Once you see that your daughter is ok after your first few classes, it won't bother you as much. As a mother you always feel guilty leaving your kid but you also need to have your own things that you do on your own or with your husband where you have to leave. The guilt never totally goes away but it gets easier. Hope this helps.

Working mothers around the world struggle with this--take the class, let your husband show he is a great dad, and demonstrate to your daughter about women improving themselves and their chances in the world through education. The emotions you're dealing with are yours, not hers. She will be resilient and more independent as she gets older.

For coping, my friend shared with me: [When you get to class/work/etc.] Put your emotions in an imaginary glass jar, and screw the lid on tight. Set the jar on your imaginary shelf and say to yourself, "After this class, I will take that jar down, open it, and then I can feel those emotions. But for now, I'm looking at this class assignment." It is a visual way to compartmentalize until you can home to your baby girl and love on her like crazy (even if she's alseep when you do).

Good for you!

I never heard that babies think you're never coming back! If that were true, no one would ever have a babysitter or a daycare provider, a job or a social life. Sometimes our kids go ballistic when we leave, so we feel terrible. Sometimes our kids do just great while we're gone and don't miss us, so we feel terrible! No matter what, we heap a certain amount of guilt on ourselves. We often forget how often we can't seem to please our kids when we are with them - yet when we leave, we worry about how they will manage. Your situation is worse because you were abandoned, but it's important not to project that on your own child.

You're actually doing her a favor. You are teaching her that she has more than one loving and caring parent who is more than capable of nurturing her and putting her to bed. Dads are not babysitters - they are parents. This builds her sense of security and creates a special bond with her dad - this takes away NOTHING from her relationship with you. Down the road, it will hopefully help her choose a better husband for herself! Meantime, you are showing her that going to school is important and that mommies are people too!

These are not stupid questions - they are normal emotions. But you will do everyone a favor if you try to overcome your fears! It will be fine! My son's preschool teachers taught us a little song "Your mommy comes back, your mommy comes back, she always comes back to get you. Your mommy comes back, your mommy comes back, she never will forget you." But even so that was when a parent left kids at preschool and not with the other parent.

Hang in there! The first few nights will be harder than the second week!