I'm traveling in ten days to NYC with my sister and a friend. Although I've traveled without my daughter before, I'm feeling an unusual amount of anxiety about this trip. My daughter is six and will be staying home with her father. He is attentive and will take good care of her, so that's not really my worry. I'm worried about her emotions (she gets upset when I'm out of town). I'm worried about something bad happening. I lost my mother at a relatively young age and my father passed away five years ago very suddenly. I have fears of bad things happening and fears of loss. I tell myself not to worry because generally it's all for nothing and a waste of energy.
So does anyone else feel this anxious or nervous when they leave their children (even though you know your child is in good hands)? Any trips I've taken recently without my daughter have been by car and only a couple hours drive from where we live. This time I'm traveling 800 miles by plane. I feel like I'm going to be so far away from her :/ I'm feeling such a range of emotions...excitement about my first time in NYC, nervousness, worry, happiness, etc. How have others dealt with things like this and also, what have others done to soothe the child's emotions and anxieties? Btw, we taught her how to make calls on her dad's phone so I told her she can call me anytime while I'm gone if she'd like.
Why yes, I do have problems with anxiety. As I stated, I lost my parents at a relatively young age. This has given me fears of bad things happening to myself or those I love. I had PTSD after the death of my father due to the fact that it was me who found his lifeless body. It was a horrific event in my life. I received counseling after that. I was also put on medication that didn't help much, which I was eventually weaned from. I'm better now than I was back then (that happened five years ago), but I still have occasional bouts of anxiety, especially when something takes me out of my "comfort zone". And while I agree that this is more about MY anxieties than my daughter's, I know that she feels separation anxiety when I'm out if town. My boyfriend (her dad) has told me this. She is fine most of the time while I'm gone, but she has her moments of being upset. I'm a worrywart, plain and simple. By posting this question, I was simply asking if anyone else feels this way and how they have dealt with it. As for the phone call thing, I guess it was a bad choice of words to say that "she can call me anytime" while I'm gone. Her dad isn't going to just give her unlimited access to his phone. He will let her call me once or twice over the course of the day if she'd like. I just want her to know that even though I'm far away, I'm simply a phone call away.
Thanks to anyone who has any advice or simply understanding :)
When I used to travel for my job and/or when my daughter would travel to her dad's house I would make a calendar of the days I was going to be gone and what was going on for each of the days (if I knew the info). That way you can talk about the calendar when you are having phone conversations and it gives her a concrete visual of what you are doing.
First of all, she's going to be just fine and you know that.
Don't let her pick up on all of your anxiety.
Let her be excited about her adventure with dad and having some special bonding time when you are away.
This a a good thing for both of you. Go have fun and don't allow your anxiety to spoil your trip. Your daughter will be just fine.
It doesn't sound like HER emotions and anxieties are the problem. This is about you.
Your daughter will be fine. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Do you have anxiety problems normally?
I think her separation anxiety is coming from you. Chicago to NY is only 2 hours.
You have been away from her before a couple of hours away. Same difference. So instead of a car you are on a plane.
Relax, she is with her Dad. She will be fine. Go have fun. Seriously, if you think you will be anxiety ridden on this trip, don't go. You will ruin it for the others. I was away with someone like that, and really, it ruined my vacation.
Please stop projecting your loss as a child onto your daughter. You're setting her up to have YOUR anxiety problems. It's already a possibility that she'll develop it because of the genetic link. You don't want to train her to be like this on top of that.
The fact that you are going to take the trip in the first place proves that you know it makes no sense to refuse to allow yourself some time away from your child. Now put it in perspective and act like it's an okay to do, ESPECIALLY in front of her. She will have quality time with her dad and you will have a good experience. She will also see that her mother has a LIFE that isn't just about her. You want her to have a life that is outside of you when she is older. Show her that a well-rounded woman does not stay put at home, but goes out in the world for an adventure.
The way you soothe a child's anxieties and emotions is to act confident and happy and EVEN. Tell her you'll see her soon and to have a wonderful time with her terrific daddy. And then you GO. Don't hand-wring in front of her, whine and cry and vassilate back and forth over whether you should or shouldn't. You do this stuff now, you'll make her lose all confidence in her mother's ability to be in control. You keep doing this stuff and she will grow up to manipulate you to get what she wants AND keep her from being a confident young woman in her own right.
Too late as you've already allowed unlimited phone calls. In the future, you might instead agree to call her say between her dinner and bath time. You both have the assurance of the daily contact. She doesn;t have the opportunity to tell you about every scrape, missing eraser, that daddy doesn't dip his fried the way you do etc. You don't have the worry or concern that she might call, hasn't called enough etc. Each of you get to be in your respective moments.
I've travelled some for business, never for more than 5 nights. We'd love to do an adult get away, but don't have the support in place to allow that kind of trip.
Have fun in NYC.
F. B.
Wow, lots going on here. So your question is "how have others dealt with things like this and what have others done to soothe the child's emotions and anxieties".
As for "dealing with this" - the best thing you can do is to think really hard about which emotion "wins" this time. If you are going to spend the trip being a nervous wreck, it would be best to bow out gracefully. I cannot imagine how it must feel to have lost both your parents. Maybe you want to wait a few years before attempting a trip like this? Maybe it's just too soon for you? If you decide to go, *really* decide to go and have fun, and just put those thoughts of worry aside because you know how much fun you will have.
As for "soothing the child" - she will feed off of your anxiety...don't let her see you visibly stressing out about all of this. Beyond that, I bet she'll be fine!
I can totally relate. In fact, my anxiety over leaving my girls to travel (ages 4 and 7) drove me to seek counseling so that I could get to the bottom of my fears and learn to cope with them, if not eradicate them completely. What I learned is that worry is nothing more than a habit and something that gives us the illusion of control. It makes us feel like we're actively doing something about a situation when we're actually doing nothing. What can help is setting up strategies or plans instead. For example, if you leave and something happens to your daughter, what will you do? Come up with a plan - you'll drive to the airport and get on the next plane out, you'll call in other family or friends to help til you can get there, etc. If she gets upset, what will you or your husband do to calm her? Make a plan for that too, or for anything else you are worried might go wrong. This helped me a lot because I was formulating solutions, not just stressing. And I was able to relax much easier. Also, someone gave me great perspective - what if something ever did happen to you? And what if your daughter had never been away from you? You are giving her valuable coping skills by leaving for a few days. She needs to see that she'll be just fine, even when mom is not around. And you need to see that too.
Another thing you can do when you are worrying is pick up a word search or crossword. These things are purely intellectual and so they take your brain out of the emotion. When the brain is free of that negative emotion, the body will follow and you'll be calm and able to think clearer.
Probably the thing that helped me most were energy exercises. Not everyone is into this, but it totally helped me with my anxiety. There is a technique called EFT, emotional freedom technique. I'm sure you could google it. It's basically a system using acupressure points in the body to release negative energy. When you are able to do that, it clears the mind and allows wisdom to come in. Your mind will shift toward clear thinking, such as the likelihood that everything will be fine. After all, something bad could happen to your daughter or to you at any moment, even at home. And you probably don't worry about that because you know the chances are very low. Being away doesn't really increase that likelihood at all, it just feels that way. Clear that negative energy so your mind can focus on this and other truths.
These things all helped me tremendously and I had a wonderful weekend away in mid-September. I hope this info helps so you can have a great trip too! You deserve it, you know : )
You will do fine. Your daughter will time to really bond with dad without mom being there. This is important as well. Consult your doctor for an adjustment in your meds.
I lost my mom at a young age and yes it is lonely but it is okay. You learn how to fill in the void with other things in life.
Your daughter is learning how to be independent and successful by being on her own with her dad. Stop worrying. Enjoy the trip with your sister and a friend. Get out and feel like a woman and a free bird for a few days. It will do you good to just be you and not a mom a real woman. There are so many places and things to do and see in NYC. Make a list like a bucket list and check them off. Your mind will be occupied with what you are doing and enjoy the moment and live!
the other S.
PS I wish I was there with you to enjoy the city again. There are several spots I want to go back and see. Let's see, UN, Rockefeller Plaza, Museum of Natural History, Lincoln Center, Macy's, New York Public Library (Bryant Park behind it for Fashion Week Shows), Guggenheim Museum of Art (building built upside down), Broadway plays, Central Park and horse drawn carriage ride, Little Italy, Germantown and others, Battery Park, Lord & Taylors. I got to stop now or I will be buying a plane ticket.
Yes, I'm always nervous to leave my kids even when I know they are in good hands. Not because I think something will happen to me, but because they are always with me, so I feel bad about them missing out on the experiences. I find myself thinking how much fun they would be having while I am away.
You've dealt with a lot of loss, and I bet if you go on this trip, you'll have a great time and realize your daughter and you will be fine.
I'm hoping things settle down for you, and saying a prayer for safe travels!
A few hours away by car is way more dangerous.
On a plane you'll be fine, statistically nearly 100% fine in fact!
Car, I'd be scared too. Have fun and relax, and enjoy the trip!
Yes, I feel the same way. I have been on a couple of trips without them, and it's a strange feeling not having them with me. I do worry that something might happen while I'm away, but I also know they are in good hands. I wish you peace of mind and have a really fun trip!
Use this time to enjoy some grown up time. Journal. Get room service. Please don't involve your co workers with this. It may later be the reason that you are passed over for a position. They will view it as mental instability.
We are here to listen and guide you if you need to post while you are away.
I can only imagine finding my parents' bodies. Bless you.
You know my kids are 20, 17 and 14 now and I STILL get anxious about leaving home and being far away from them!
So I get it, I totally do.
But I can also tell you that the anxiety doesn't last. I don't know why but once I'm actually on the trip I am able to relax and enjoy myself, the worry just seems to melt away. I don't really DO anything, it just happens.
So no advice really, just empathy, and I hope it works out for you like it does for me. I did a girl's trip to NYC about five years ago and it was completely awesome. I hope you have lots of fun!!!
