Advice/opinions on Mommy/daddy Vaca

Michelle,

I think that this is very personal, I have friends who have left their children from the time they were small babies. Personally, I have never left any of my children for that long (I have 5). Last month my husband and I went to Kentucky for 5 days. This was the first time I had EVER left any of my children for more than an overnight at grandma's. We took our youngest with us because she was still nursing (16 months at the time). I really missed my kids and never could have left my baby that long. My daughter who is 3 was quite angry with us for a very long time after we returned. She would scream "I hate you" (which she never did before)...so I believe 5 days was too long for her. When they are too little to understand that you are leaving for a short time and will return, I think they are too little to leave. We sure paid for leaving our daughter for that long. She was miserable and nasty to us for about a week after we returned. The boys are all old enough to understand and while I won't say it was easy for them, they definitely handled it much better than my girl.

I know that you want to get away, but I would really think long and hard before making definite plans to leave my baby for that long. It is a big deal, and a nanny is not mom and dad. Maybe you can take the baby and the nanny, put them up in a different room, and then see your baby when you want, but have private and free time when you want...the best of both worlds. Of course it would cost more, but it would be worth it to me.

Let us know what you decide.

D.
SAHM to 5 amazing children

This is just my opinion...
I could NEVER leave my kids for 10 entire days. My heart would hurt.
And the other thing to consider is how far away you are going...In case of an emergency, how long would it take you to get back?

Michelle, I'm sorry to say that I don't think it's a very good idea either, mostly if you are dealing already with separation anxiety issues.
In my case I had to leave my son, who was 9 months at the time, at home with my husband and Grandma for 4 days for medical reasons. For weeks and weeks afterwards he was glued to me day and night... and so angry! He actually refused to kiss me or look at me on the face the first few days after I returned. He never really forgot about it because I tried working a few nights a week when he was around 18 months and I had to quit after only 2 weeks because he started acting up big time again and had panic attacks whenever I disappeared from his sight during the day.
Of course it got better overtime and he became more independent….but always in his own terms. He had some relapses at age 2 and 3.
He is almost 4 years old now and to this day he prefers to remain in the same room that I am, just to make sure I'm not leaving without him. He adores Daddy and prefers "working" with him when he's around. He's definitely an independent and social boy....as long as he knows where I am or when I'm coming back. I still deal now and then with bouts of panic when I don't answer him at his second or third call -when I'm in the middle of an important phone call or in the other side of the house.
Some children just can't handle separation until they are old enough to count minutes, hours and days.
My son is also afraid of the dark and is sociable to a default. He’ll be the kind of kid that will ask me everyday: ”Can I have friends over?” He just doesn’t like being alone.
So before you make final arrangements ponder a little what kind of personality your child has. This trip has the potential to affect his behavior the next 5 years at least.

well, for you, i dont think it matters since the trip is already planned so have a good time.

for me, i think that 10 days for a 13 month old is too long. i would be too worried to have a really good time, and 10 days is really a long time to worry. i would worry esp about going to bed and him being upset that i wasnt there.
the separation anxiety is completely normal. it peaks about 12-18 months. i dont think he is old enough to comprehend you telling him about it before, but you really should do a couple of one nighters if possible. it will be a great test of how you will feel, how he will feel, and can try to fix anything good luck

Hi Michelle, I guess it is up to the individual. I am in favor of couples having much needed time alone. My children are grown and 3 years ago I went on a cruise with my husband. It was 8 days and by the 4th day I missed my family. The plans are already made and you have a nanny you can trust, they will deal with your son and you will know for the next time if 10 days is too long. You may want to tell him when the time gets closer that you are going away but you will be back. Hopefully you can call and he will hear your voice(if that does not upset him) Personally, if you can shorten the trip I would try 4-5 days. If you find your son is miserable you will not have a good time. Men have a different feeling about these things. They think with a different head and not as much with their heart. My best advice, Grandma Mary PS I love my husband, just making an observation over years.

Hi Michelle, it is very hard to leave your children, HOWEVER, I do believe time alone with your husband is important. My husband used to go away at least on one big trip a year when our kids were small (now 15 and 12), we left them with their grandparents and were very comfortable with our decision to go away. If you trust this nanny and your child seems comfortable with her, then by all means take some time to yourselves. This of course, is just my opinion and I know of many parents who never left their children. Everone has their own style but I believe being a good parent comes with being able to leave your children for some "YOU" time...Good luck with your decision.

Have a great time.. I am so happy for you .. think of ways to make it sound like he will have a great vacation at your parents too... like he has something to look forward to.

Hi Michelle!

my story...i became pregnant with my 1st while planning my wedding - and we already had booked the honeymoon. so, we waited until the following year to go on our dream vacation - a cruise to Alaska. we left our daughter with his brother and sister -in-law. very trustworthy, very good with kids (have 3 of their own). we had a great vacation, although i did miss the baby a lot, it was a good experience. i don't think my daughter was traumatized or affected AT ALL. when we came home we all got re-bonded in like 5 seconds. i did a little crying when we dropped her off, but like i said overall it was a good experience. Especially if you guys are planning for #2, then it really will be difficult for you two to get away for any length of time. i have 2 now, and we haven't been away without the kids yet. it's much harder to finesse the childcare with 2.

Good luck and have a great time whatever you do!

Hi Michelle,
I absolutely understand your worries and concerns. I am sure your son will miss you both - it may be hard for him at times but with both your parents and his nanny around, who I imagine he is accustomed to, he should be fine.
Please take the time to be with your husband - before a number 2. It is so important to have time ALONE without responsibility -
My husband and I waited six years and 3 children on before we took time away together. It makes such a difference being a "couple" again and not a "threesome".
Hope some of this helps.
T. ( mom of daughters 6,4 and son 1)

Are you and/or your husband away from your child a lot now, or just normal 9 to 5 working hours, or less than that? If one of you travels for work, you'll be dealing with the separation anxiety anyway.

If you are not traveling or regularly away from your son, I would see about bringing either the nanny or the grandparents on the vacation - with the intent of that person being the babysitter so that you and your husband can still have large chunks of alone time. I'm guessing your travel arrangements are already made, but if you can swing it, I'd bring them (of course, you have to be able to take advantage of alone time if you do this - not change it into a "family vacation" - otherwise there is no point in your trip).
If you can't bring your son and some help, DON'T WORRY, he will get over it, he may find a way to make you feel guilty for awhile, but he will be fine.

your family is only as strong as you and your husband. getting away to me is an important part of a marriage - having that alone and fun time. How long you go away is really up to the two of you. My husband and i had our first away time when my son was 4 months. We were a quick flight way and we left for 3 days. the next summer we went for 5 and the following did the same. It has been great for us, and great for him. Granted we've never had a separation anxiety issue before since he spends time with others often. My friends who started when their kids were older had a tougher time. we tell our son we are going on a date, call him every night. while we miss him, we do love our alone time.

Hi Michelle,

Only you can know if you and your husband are comfortable with leaving your one year old for 10 days, and whether you think that your son would be okay with that. I have to be honest, I don't think that babies are meant to be away from both parents for such a long time. At a year, my husband and I were away from our daughter for 4 days and that was as long as I was comfortable with. I would have missed her terribly and not enjoyed myself after that time.

While it helps that the nanny whom he should be comfortable with will be there I think 10 days is a bit much. Our first trip without the kids was 3 nights 4 days and the second was 5 nights. The separation is hard on everyone and while my son was great and loved being on his "own vacation" we did pay for it when we got home. Also I dont know how often he is at your parents and he may be more comfortable at his place. It also is easier for you and the nanny but not necessarily for your parents to "move in" to your place. Is there the option of trying a couple of nights away before you commit to 10 days? Good luck!

If you're going anyway, you may as well try to enjoying the trip instead of worrying about things that may really not going to happen. Yeah, I think it's good idea, better than taking your son with you. I think if you're to enjoy your trip, you'll be refreshed and have more energy after you come back. Also you really need time with your husband. Sometimes separation can give you an opportunity to appriciate what you have. It may also help you and your boy to become more independent. I have this experience. My daughter was very clingy baby. I had to carry everywhere even when I was cooking! She refused her dad, it has to be me. So literally I couldn't leave her with anybody, even with her grandma. But something came up and I ended up leaving her with the kind lady whom I didn't know personally but we go to same church. She happily took my daughter and I took my daughter to her for 3-4 days in a row. Supprisingly, my daughter was fine! I thought she'll be crying and this lady wouldn't take her any more. Since then, I was able to leave my daughter with someone. She was about 7 months back then. Enjoy your trip, she'll be fine. I'm more concerened abut you, because you may not enjoy your trip worrying about your baby. What could happen in 10 days?

The first time leaving a child is always the hardest but I tend to think it will be good for all of you....It's not the end of the world, it's only 10 days.....
Relax as you don't want your child to pick up on you feeling nervous about this.

Make sure you take him to your parents home often so he can adjust to the surroundings before actually staying there for the 10 days...make these visits special for him. You might even want to try a sleep over...pick him up the next morning...let him experience you coming back for him.....

Your child will do well as he is in good hands....

While you are away, I'm sure you will be calling in to see how he's doing....ask to speak with him...let him hear your voice.

Have a great time....

I think 10 days is way too long - 3 days would still be traumatic to a year old. Why not do what some others suggested and bring your child and nanny with you - then you can have large chunks of time together but he will be with you. Our son is now 18 months and we could not fathom leaving him to go away - he is also in that separation anxiety phase and I could never do that to him. Remember what you do now will stay with him for a very long time - children remember being left. This year we are taking a family vacation to Disney - he is young and won't remember the trip but the excitement of spending time with our boy is what life is about right now - I agree it is important to have alone/couple time but you can do that in a much shorter time period - why not try one night away and see how that goes first.

Go on vacation and have a great time! He will be in good hands with your parents/nanny. Who knows when you'll be able to get away again for 10 days! If you don't stress over it, then your son won't either. Let him have a couple of sleepovers at grandma's house before the vacation and he'll be fine. Kids are much more resilient then we give them credit for sometimes.

It is the worst time to go away. Talk about separation anxiety, and then leave for ten days? You should be talking about bonding. Why don't you take the nanny and the baby with you, and while away take some time with your husband. Don't disappear off the face of the earth for 10 dys when he is 13 months old

I think your vacation should be fine. If you have had this nanny for some time and your child has a good relationship with your parents that's even better. You might want to make a video of you reading stories or singing songs that you sing to/with him. You could also tell him good night and good morning and talk about what he's going to do (his routine) to prepare for the day. And count down when you'll be coming home. This way your nanny can put the video in for him and he can "see" you and feel more at ease.

Have a good time on your vacation!

WOW I had to come back and edit my response to add this once I had read other people's responses. I had to leave my 18 month old for 12 days when I gave birth to her younger brother as he had complications when he was born and spent 11 days in the NICU. Yes, she was a bit standoffish to me when I returned home but after a few days everything returned to normal. You can talk to your son about you and daddy going on vaction and that he will stay with nanny & gramma & grandpa while you're away. Talk to him every day about it and definitely make that video! You are not a bad mom if you go.

It's sometimes imperative for maintaing sanity to take a mommy daddy break. My suggestion is when you are about ready to leave have your parents pick him up as though he's the one going away leaving the two of you at home. It's sometimes easier for them to be the ones to leave than to see you leave. ;) try it for a weekend or afternoon to yourself and see how it works. Once he sees that going away can be fun for him by spending time with grandma and grandpa he'll be ready to say goodbye long before you are. good luck.

Hi, Michelle.
My advice is to take the little one with you. No, I'm not kidding; 10 days is a long time. He is used to being with you for part of each day -- even though the nanny provides security during the hours you have to be away. Enough said about his possible confusion should you be "gone" for 10 days.
The other side of this equation is how you and your husband may feel toward the end of about the third day away from your baby. I'll bet he's one of these little independent bruisers -- very self-sufficient. But he's very affectionate too, I'm guessing. Sometimes he stops what he's doing and just climbs in your lap for a hug.
He's interested in lots of things, but highest on his list of important events each day are his rituals with the two of you.
Could be that these are the most important things you do each day.
I say from experience that our vacations with one or all four of our children made for very sweet memories.
Our best to you,
A.

This is not a guilt trip - to each her own - but I would trust ONLY your gut and nothing and no one else on this. If it feels even a little weird leaving him for that long, don't. My friend went on a week long trip to LA from NY with the thought that she'd wean her daughter. She was in tears the whole time - my friend - and it took over a month to feel things were normal again with her daughter, without any clingy-ness or anxiety attacks or waking 10 times a night to make sure my friend was still there. Whatever your husband, parents, inlaws, parenting magazines, friends or anyone else says doesnt matter - they will not be there the second night of your trip away if you are feeling like a horrible mom, or for your son on on the 7th day if his little 18 month old brain decides you've abandoned him (which he will change his mind about when you come back, but that feeling will never be erased... at that age i wouldnt talk to my dad for days when he'd return from business trips, and that was only one parent!)

Again, if this feels fine to you, do it, you are his mom and you know him and yourself better than anyone. But if you are having doubts I highly, highly suggest you dont do it. You can arrange a trip where you live, go to a few hotels -don't you live near NYC?!?!? - go on a few weekend trips, that will be just as fun and sexy as a 10 day trip.

It has been my experience Michelle, that we as mothers worry 10 times more than the dads. But you are well prepared, you have a nanny and your parents. There is no reason you shouldn't go and be FREE. If you do decide on baby number 2, these moments alone with your husband will be fewer and farther in between. And believe me when I say there is nothing more important in a family, than adult alone time. You need to get away, relax, re-connect and return refreshed. It does make all the difference and most couples take it for granted and then wonder why they are always yelling at each other or always on different pages. Take your vacation, enjoy it, savor it....your son is in good hands. Besides, they have a great invention nowadays, it's called a phone (wink) and you can call at breakfast lunch and dinner or bedtime. Embrace the opportunity because before you know it, baby #2 or maybe even baby#3 will be here and you will find it very difficult to indulge in romantic getaways. ENJOY!!!!

Michele,
I'd say do a couple "try outs" before the big trip and then go and enjoy your vacation! Have him go and spend a weekend or overnight without you a couple times to get him comfortable. Kids are a lot more resiliant than we give them credit for. We took our first 2 night trip away (only a couple hours from home) when our daughter was 10 months old while my parents came to our house to watch her. She did great and barely noticed we were gone. A couple weeks later, we sold our house and had to move out ASAP. Our daughter went to my parents' house where we'd be staying (and still are until our move in July) and stayed with them for a week while we frantically tried to prepare for closing in short order. She did fine. I would call several times a day to check on her...often sick with worry...and she was having a great time. The only downside is that it took a few weeks to get her to "reattach" to me...she got so attached to her grandparents that she wanted them more than me for a bit! But now she's a mommma's girl again.
I guess what I'm saying is that our time apart was by necessity, and I'm glad it was otherwise we would likely have never tried it. It's given us newfound confidence in us and in her and a new freedom for an occasional night out!

Enjoy your trip...it will be likely be tougher on you than on your kiddo!

I think it's way too long way too soon. Sorry