4 Yr Old Daughter Screeches and Screams

I know this doesn't work every time, but sometimes I try to catch my 2 year old off guard by responding in a way she wouldn't suspect. My Mom gave me the idea. She said when my sister was little, she use to always throw wild tantrums and hold her breath and pound the floor. So one day my Mom said, "You are so good at that, can I try?" She got down on the floor and started hitting the floor and holding her breath then asked my sister, "Am I doing it right?" She said my sister didn't know what to do so she just got up and walked away. At times when my 2 year old is screaming (because she knows she will get a reaction from me) instead of responding how she expects me to, I've said, "Okay, everybody join in, let's sing Ellie's song!" Then we all start yelling, she starts laughing and hopefully finds something else to play soon! Easier said than done when emotions start running high!

Have you tried positive reinforcement with her? Like if she goes all morning without screaching, she gets to pick out a sticker and then the same for the afternoon. That way she is seeing something positive coming from not screaching. Behavior charts work wonders for children this age as it is something concrete that they can see they are improving on.

I also heard that rather than saying "inside voice/outside voice" to use the term "quiet voice/loud voice" as sometimes it is appropriate to use louder voices inside. It helps with the confusion of when to use louder and quieter voices.

Good luck and hang in there!

Hi J.,
Boy that must be rough for you. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Does she get any individual time with mom and dad? I know that this is very important, so she knows that she is special too.
Is everything ok outside the home? Maybe there is a problem in school?(If she goes to school) Maybe there is an adult in her life that is not treating her well. (someone you are not aware of)
You never know. If this is something that started happening suddenly, then it could be something going on in her life that she has not told you about. I would sit her down and ask her if everything is ok with the adults in there life.
Or it just be as simple as wanting attention any way she can get it.(like you said) Hopefully it will subside soon.
Is she involved in helping to take care of the twins? I know that sometimes if you lay on some responsibilities to a child, they feel a sense of worth. (laundry, picking out the twins clothes, helping with dinner, setting the table...)
I hope it gets better for you. Take care.

Hi J. - Here is an update on my note below - check out http://www.healthywealthynwise.com/article.asp?Article=5406 for the article "Timeouts Can Cause Misbehavior" By: Dr. L. Markham and her website at http://yourparentingsolutions.com. Good luck!

Hi J. - I just read about a book - I'll try to get the title for you in a bit - but it's about raising kids and according to this book, timeouts are actually not effective in managing kids' behavior, because it creates a tug of war of power between you and the kid, and just makes the kids want to win, or rather, to rebel worse, and they will spend their time out time just thinking of ways to get back at you. Plus, they say it damages the empathy we have for these little kids, and that empathy is very important, it's what bonds kids and adults. Instead, the authors of this book suggest employing a sense of humor, along with curiosity and conversation in order to figure out what's going on and to see what the little one wants. You can look deep into her eyes, pause, and ask "what do you want?" What are they needing that they have to scream so much? Smile, and see what she says. This allows you to begin to negotiate with your daughter and compromise, which she will have to do as a grown-up, and might as well learn now. It allows you to have a conversation with her as a human being, and it also breaks the control she has over you. By screaming, she is causing you to react. Obviously, some things are non-negotiable, and there is still a place for an old-fashioned and firm and meaningful "no" from you or Dad. But I'm thinking it's time to try something else than the time-outs, especially since they seem not to be working, and possibly even making things worse. I will follow up with the title to this book in a later post. Good luck!

You are doing the right thing

You have some great responses too

I love the idea of showing her herself on video
the nice (alone) last week, the screaming on 2 recent occasions and then the nice (recently) again.

Also later show with her video or herself playing sweetly (and better still dealing with some disappointment) with twin sisters there
- nice behavior
and tell her how proud of her you are etc

Bear in mind we might be feeling terrible when replaced by a younger model (or 2) and also screaming out of frustration or sadness or anger ... not just 'for attention' (which after all you state she doesn't get rewarded with for this behavior).

Have you talked with her lots, in a supportive way, about the hard and important job she has of being a big sister? And how it's Ok to sometimes feel annoyed about how things go?
Have you talked and showed her how to deal with those feelings? (for example a punching pillow, a jumping up a down place, an angry drawing pad...)

BTW I do suggest a warning, a STRICT look or remark, for a scream - a warning is not a bad thing, it's a reminder. And instant time out is more like a war!

But the rest of your description is excellent, with consistency (and adaptation) it will work with time, as a behavior modification.

J.-
I could be way off here, but it sounds like your 4 year old wants to help. If it seems like she is doing it to get attention then she might just be willing to help out to get that attention. When my daughter started screaming I did all the disciplinary things you mentioned. After a few weeks of that behavior I took her to the pediatrician. He told me to start asking her to help with everything you do.
It worked like a charm. I would ask her to please get the new diaper for baby brother and make sure to thank her for the diaper. I would ask her to get a piece of paper when I needed to write a list. The pediatrician said to make sure that I used any phrases that I wanted her to use, so "Please" and "Thank You" are really big in my house as well as "I appreciate your hard work". Another thing that he mentioned was cutting off any TV or movie time because children emulate what they see and even some of the G movies have behaviors and attitudes that you never want your child to pick up (he mentioned Rugrats and Lilo and Stitch by name).
I hope this helps.
H. Stanley

HI J., Im a mom of 5 and for some reason I have found four years old is worse than two years old. Four years is definatly the worst whining and creaming fase. Trust me when i say thay grow out of it. 5 years old is like night and day. You also have to remember that from infancy screaming and crying is how they learned to get what they want. I think how your handling is perfect. Your little one is just angry that her screaming and crying isnt working for her any more. Good Luck

J.,

Good job on truely executing the normal stuff - most can't even get that right. You might try a reward system for good behavior. It might help shift focus from the negative and help not to break closeness as much. It will certainly take some time but was given to me in counsel for a different issue but might be appropriate in this case. If she has any concept of money and that she can buy things with it you might use pennies and drop them in a can you have on the counter when you catch her behaving correctly. Have her set a goal for something she wants and when she hears the drop in the can and your praise it will hopefully give her new motives. If she doesn't understand the concept you can use something else. My son is now 5 but we were using a form of this method at 4.

Best of Luck,

S.

Hi J.,
Well it sounds like you are on the right track.
She is getting something out of you. Attention, negative or positive it doesn't matter.
You could try setting the timer for a reward of 5 minutes WITH her. Perhaps, "catching her" not screaming and rewarding her with a 5 minute story or coloring with her for 4-5 minutes, or playing a short game like memory....
She is probably feeling left out and so she screams, gets time out, which involves her parents. Then she screams, you get involved again setting the timer for her timeout. She is rewarding herself with the negative attention.
You, of course, explained the no screaming thing to her so she is getting something out of it or she'd stop.

Give it a try...
it is temporary, she will out grow it, then there will be something else! That's what kids do!
Gotta love 'um!!!
C.

you've tried the separation thing when she screams, and its not working. and you've identified the cause of the screeching as needing attention. it might be worth checking out to try a different approach... that of meeting your child's communicated need.

it seems to go against "conventional" wisdom, but basically whenever our kids are "acting up" they are communicating some unmet need. if we can separate from our own emotional reactions to their behavior and focus instead on the question "what is my child communicating about her needs right now?" and then see if you can think of a way to meet that need. look at it this way, if your daughter is feeling anxious and insecure about getting enough of your attention, and she is reacting from out of that place of anxiety the only way that she knows how (albeit in an unskillful way... kids don't have a big emotional toolbox yet...) then no wonder she screeches louder when she gets a time out -- you're triggering her anxiety even more. instead i wonder if you tried sitting down with her on your lap and rocking her and telling her that you understand how she's feeling. passing the twins to your husband and giving her some one-on-one mom time. once she's calmed down and is in a better place and is feeling satisfied with your attention, you can speak to her about better ways for her to get your attention next time ("next time you are feeling like that, just come up and tell me you need a hug, okay?")

i was in the punishment cycle too, and i hated it and my child didn't respond very well to it, either. two books that reduced the conflicts with my headstrong and energetic daughter (then age 3) by about 99%:

how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

and raising our children, raising ourselves http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-Rela... (the REWIND system in this book is awesome)

now i never punish my child. no more time outs. no yelling. i just meet her needs and she responds. or we talk about it, and i communicate that i am listening and that i understand... and the problem goes away. its amazing!

It may all be about getting attention...you seem to do all the right things with no improvement. Please call or take
her to her Pediatrician and get her evaluated. Girls show
their hyperactivity different than boys and are often undiagnosed. I took in 5 grandkids, all girls and had some
experience...with one. I promise you if she is hyper..it wont get better...so check it now before your a nervous wreck. Plus this isnt good for the twins either. If she has alot of low periods ...mood swings..let them know...start paying real close attention to how she is when she isnt screaming. I assume you tried having 'dates' with just her...or dad maybe takes her on a little walks for their own special time?? He shoul take her to the store with him or run errands cause shes a 'big' girl and gets to do things the twins cant. She may be screaming to let the sounds out
which basically is letting pent up energy out. I gave my granddaughter her own garden spot to let her work some of it off and enjoy her success. She did have to take meds for school cause she just had the worst time paying attention.
And by the way, a hyper kids can pay attention but it has to be something that really interest them...but everyday listening to the teacher is tough. We had a specialist that
helped with many ideas, reward charts and working towards a specific goal, earning her way. She actually liked to do chores. You will for sure have to do something diffrent than
you are now. Good luck.

Like many, I do feel you are doing the right thing. The thing that I have noticed personnaly with my kids as toddlers, especially when their were new ones introduced into the family unit, my first child started preschool a month before my daughter was born and he had a horrible time. He felt I was sending him away, did not want him, had trouble at preschool, just alot of emotions going through him. He was 2 1/2 at the time. When my 3rd child was born, my second daughter and my son (who had matured since the birth of the second) accepted the infant with loving arms. Why bring this up, as infants then toddlers get older the physical and emotional dependency changes, Your 4yr old was 2 when 2 children came into the new family unit. She might be independent and mature in many ways, but with 2, she might have been dealing with certain emotions that she cannot comprehend. It does sound like you are giving her everything she needs in every way, discipline, love, compassion and patience. I know I have tried this with my kids, that have a jar ready, start with like 10 marbles, pennies, cheerios, (something safe though too due to the little ones) Everytime she begins to have some internal conflict, take away an item from the jar, everytime she is able to control it, add an item. As the far fills up, let her know that when the jar reaches a certain level by the end of the week then she will have a special outing, see her favorite movie, a park day -whatever she enjoys with just mom and dad. If there are not items left by the end of the week, then you will take away something that is important to her-a special TV show, let say you were going to take her to go see the new Dr Seus movie(for example), then postpone it until there is some improvement. When they see the jar either getting full of the items or nothing is left in the jar, it becomes more visual. Keep the jar high where none of the little ones can reach it but keep it visual where your 4yr old can see it. Hope this helps. But keep doing what your are doing, I feel you are on the right path, it is just being consistent.

Get VISUAL rewards for her. This really worked on my kids and still does! They are 8 and 6. Buy a toy, it doesn't have to be expensive, put it somewhere she will see it through the day. Explain to her that if she uses her inside voice all day, she can have the toy, if she screams, it stays there. Gradually go 2 days a week and reward her that way.

ALSO! Get her on video, show her "nice" behavior and then show her "naughty" voice. Just to be sure she completely understands what you expect from her.

You'll have to stick to your guns and wait it out. If you give in, you'll prolong it, but staying strong will help her get stronger too. Don't make excuses like, "she's just sensitive, or just competitive" because to outsiders that reads: "I am delusional about my spoiled kid." You'll get a more compassionate response with "We're trying to redirect her and help her develop coping skills. It's a work in progress." Then she won't be perceived as spoiled, or you as negligent.

My sister has 3 kids, the first was a peach, the second a screamer, and the third, a peach. The screamer was at odds with a little sister 2 1/2 years younger, but her screamer personality was evident long before that. And just like your daughter, would scream for apparently nothing, but in retrospect, it was probably just over stimulation. Errands, too many lights on, too much sun, babies crying, any of it. Time outs didn't work. They probably just made her feel nervous or misunderstood and worsened the screaming. My sister stuck to the discipline, and repeated herself over and over again with the rules, and now she has a very type-A but very poised 10 year old girl. I think your daughter would have been a screamer even without the twin sisters.

I had 2 peaches and then a screamer. Every time I was around a little screamer, I had the "OMG, those parents need to stop giving into that child" reaction. That's not entirely the case. Kids have different levels of coping skills and different coping styles, just like adults. My first two coped by being introverted and thoughtful, which looks like good manners to an outsider. This is worse than screaming because you never know when something is wrong, so you have to remember to ask them how they feel all of the time, even when things seem to be going along fine. My screamer reacts to stress, fatigue, change, hunger, sadness, too much sun, not enough sun, by screaming. At least screamers make that part easier for us, because we know there's something up, just need to do a little detective work.

As parents, we always acknowledge our kids feelings and it turns into this big kid centered world. What has been working for me is to ask them a series of questions about how they feel, and also about how they think other people feel in the same situation. My little 4 yr old screamer has made a lot of progress because he is beginning to mentally play back those questions, i.e. brother can't play with him because he has to leave for practice, that would have set off a screaming fit and people would say, "how sweet, he loves his brother." and then I would say, "no, that's really manipulative, to use feelings as an excuse for bad behavior." So I would sit him down and ask him a series of yes questions,{{ "do you love your brother? Do you want him to be happy and successful? Is it good for your brother to go to practice? Does his coach deserve respect? Should your brother show respect by showing up on time? Can you show your brother that you love him by helping him get to practice on time? Ok...go grab a water bottle, glove, etc.}} Now he's in action to help his brother go instead of crying to get him to stay.

I learned this from my sister, and my screamer is gaining coping skills faster than her screamer did, thank god I had someone with experience to learn from. My sister had to suffer through trial and error. It's still a long slow process though.

I do feel your pain. One of my children requires more attention than the others--it's just part of his personality I guess, which is fine. At times he does the same exact thing as your daughter. One thing that I did when he was younger(3) that worked and brought sanity and peace back into my life was this: I put 10 or 20 M&M's (I can't remember how many) in a cup each day. I told him that everytime he screamed etc. he would lose an M&M. At the end of the day, he would get what was left. When I first introduced this new plan, I layed it out pretty specifically, telling him exactly how he could lose an M&M. We even practiced for a day or two before the real thing, so he knew how it was going to work. He was pretty excited, and it cured the behavior problem in just a week or two. It gave him something positive for him to work on, and it also gave me an opportinity to teach him a better way to act when things didn't go his way (that is, without the power struggle). Often times, all I would have to say is, "uh-oh, screaming like that will make you lose an M&M," and he would change his tone. You can do the same thing with stickers, etc. He just loved M&M's. Well, we don't do M&M's in a cup anymore...he doesn't really scream like that as much either, but now when he is in need of attention he just acts extremely annoying. That is my que to not get mad, but to just pull him in and give him the hugs that he is craving. And he is starting to behave better when he does something new and "more grown up." Maybe these ideas can help. Good luck.

Hi J.,

The funniest and most effective solution for 4 year old tantrums I have ever seen was done by my mother in law. She babysat lots of children and developed long "family" type relationships with their families and the kids she cared for.

Anyway, her solution was to run cold water (not freezing, just cold)into a tub. She then picked up the child, didn't say a word to them and Very Gently...NEVER IN ANGER, (they were still in their clothes and all) and dumped them in the tub...Somehow, when the shock of being wet and chilly allowed them to re-focus, they were all smiles...They were shocked, not mad or hurt! Meanwhile, she was laughing out loud...never stern or anything negative...she was being silly to them because they were being silly. It effectively changed the subject and I never saw or heard of her needing to do it two times to the same child :) Of course, she had to dry them up and dry the clothes...but it was quiet! (kinda drastic, but effective!!)

Once you have control again, DON'T TALK ABOUT THE TANTRUM. Your plan was to change the subject! Just smile and laugh with them...It also helps, for 4 year olds, if you "schedule" their day.

I promise you, those kids believed my mother in law was the "lead dog" all of the time and they loved her and visited her when they had grown up. They even brought their kids for her to care for...They genuinely loved her!

Great Book! "Don't feed the dragon!"

http://www.sandymcdaniel.com/

Hi J.:
I believe,you have answered your own question here,without even realizing it.I've read your request over a couple times,and it baffles me a little.
quote:It is obvious why our four year old screeches and screams so much. Shes doing it for attention.She has some big competition with all the attention her sisters require.(regardless)
Quote:Believe me,this child gets plenty of attention.

So, is it obvious,that she acts out because she is competing for your attention? or is she getting (Plenty of attention? I'm not trying to be sarcastic J.,It's just that you contradict yourself. I think,that you know what your daughers problem is.Sibling rivalry has been around for years.So has denial. I would bet, that a sharp lady like yourself, knows what to do to resolve it.Best of luck to you and your daughters

Welcome to the ones that time-outs don't affect. With my daughter time-outs ment nothing. Keep up with the words that you say. But instead of time-outs, Make it work. And I mean hard work. I made my daughter clean out the frig, clean the bathroom, pull weeds, clean out the Microwave, wash trash cans.At age 4 they are old enough to know better & obey the rules. They are also old enough to have to work. This method works well plus it helps you more. You'll find out that cleaning or pulling 100 weeds or a bucket full, makes them think before doing bad things.

Think about it. If you could go still something from a store or do something bad, and the punishment was sit on this chair for 4 to 10 minutes would it stop you from doing that something bad. No

But if I had to work to pay off the dept. It's a little diffrent.

Once she realizes that the punishment is going to take 1/2 hour to an hour to do. She'll stop. (remember she can't do a bad job on whatever you have her do). Constantly check on her and point out things she missed, and when you feel that it's clean enough for a 4 year old to have done then that's it. She does need to put the things she got out to clean with away also. But if she screams while working keep adding on jobs to do. sooner or later she'll get it.

Good Luck! JP

I believe the first response from Jennifer summed it up nicely.

I'm honestly not sure what to tell you. To me it doesn't sound like getting enough attention is the problem. Maybe she needs more one on one time with you? I take Kindermusik classes with my son at A Mother's Haven in Encino. I know they have a class for her age on Tuesdays at 12:30 if you live in the area. Also, one of the Mother's Gathering teachers is a child psychologist so maybe she would have some ideas for you. Hope this helps!

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job! Don't give up; keep it up. Also, you may want to add a system of rewards for using a quiet voice. You tend to catch more flies with honey!
How long can she go without screaming? Set a reasonable goal (for her) and set up some rewards. Star charts on the fridge are one possibility.
Another idea is to have pieces of a puzzle in your pocket. Give her one every time you notice her using a quiet voice or going a little while without a scream. A little comment would be nice, like: I like the self-control you're using with your voice! When she has completed the puzzle, she gets a special reward. Be generous with dishing out puzzle pieces in the beginning. Really work hard to catch her being good. Keep the rewards very simple for you, but give her a few things or activities to choose from. Choices are always appreciated by kids. Later on, you can reward for longer times of restraint and give bigger prizes.

A few suggestions from a mom who has a 8 year old (preemie 2lbs)a 14 year old (preemie 1 14 oz) and a 20 year old. Try having a simple and fun routine everyday. After breakfast, read a book, pick up toys, help mom in the kitchen, (putting away non-breakable dishes), help mom with the twins (getting diapers, cream, clothes, etc)do a craft, etc. But you need to stick to the routine because she will be expecting it. In the event the morning does not work, try and make a realistic time that will work. Maybe get a clock so she can see the minutes ticking off and she will know it will be time to have fun with mom. Take her with you to pick out a "special" clock. I never did the Time Out's solution. I believe kids scream, cry and kick because they are bored and sitting them down to be quiet, isn't solving the problem. And make her aware that if she is good the whole week, she will be rewarded. She needs all your attention too. Hope some of these suggestions work. AB

As faras I can tell from my kids, it's a phase that they go through at this age. My son, who is 6 went through it, & my 4 yr old daughter is behaving very similar to yours. Hang in there & keep doing what you are - don't give the behavior any power. Good luck.

S.

Are there times when your daughter doesn't screech and scream? I would say to go overboard with praise and attention when she actually performs as expected. Even negative attention is a reward of some sort.

Or, you might try rewarding her for those good times with some good quality 'alone' time with Mom or Dad. Or she might get extra privileges for behaving well that help her to feel she is special in her own way, such as staying up a half-hour later than the twins.

Good luck

I have heard that time outs aren't for every child and even really not all that great for a childs mental health... although they seem to work well on The Nanny. Pull out your photo albums and show her pictures from when she was a baby and let her know how special she is to you. I know that is the last thing you are thinking when your daughter is making you crazy... but remember why it is that you think she is acting that way. Also.. My daughter will be 6 next month and she is a super smart strong willed Taurus who can be super sassy ... over the top... I'm not afraid of you... super sassy. I guess that I should have practiced time outs early on... I didn't want to break her spirit.. ha ha .. but a wet toothbrush dipped in a box of baking soda for a quick scrub works really well... it takes terrible and makes her teeth pearly white. The idea of it lasts a long time and will back up the look that you always hope your child will acknowledge.

It sounds like she is getting the attention anyway so....maybe you can try the opposite. I understand the screaming gets on your nerves but maybe by ignoring it she will see that it is no longer getting her attention (good or bad) and she will quit on her own. It will not be easy and it might take some time but it will be affective. In the meantime you can have some mommy and me time with her. Take her to a "Big Girl" event just you and your husband and get a sitter for the twins. If she is screaming to communicate with you them instead of focusing on the screaming part just let her know you are not understanding what she is saying and tell her she will have to use her words to communicate what it is she wants. I am a mother of 3 and foster mom of 4 so our seven make for a loud screaming household who has had to realize how to communicate without all the drama. It is constant gardening.
Good luck.

It sounds like there is more going on than a need for attention. We used to have major temper tantrums, amoung other things. I have recently discovered a program called Brain Highways. We did everything you could imagine, and there were things that would help, but nothing truly helped fix the problem, until we started this program.

Brain Highways has to do with building neurological pathways that were not developed in infancy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it works. When the brain isn't fully developed, we have to compensate, and when the brain cannot compensate anymore is when you will see unacceptable/inappropriate behaviors.

I can tell you that we tried timeouts, and they did not work. I can also tell you that my son can now distinguish when he needs quite time, and is able to calm himself down and very seldom throws a temper tantrum, and when he does he comes out of it pretty quickly.

I would suggest to check out the website and go to a drop in with your 4year old. The program is remarkable, and if you make the commitment and do the work, I can guarantee results.

Good Luck,
L. Ronco

When our daughter started this we tried everything!!
The only thing that worked was teaching her not to 'cry wolf'. When she really did need help (little brother was pulling hair, a bug was getting close to her, etc) and she would scream, we would ignore it. As hard as it was, we would wait a few seconds, casually turn around, and 'realize' she was having a real 'problem'. We explained it to her that there were real reasons to scream, like brother pulling her hair, bugs getting closer than she would like, a bad guy trying to take her, etc. She now (usually) saves it for those times! She will start to do it every once in a while and we bring our method back, and it begins to work, again. She is 5 and screams meaninglessly 2-3 times per week.

Hi, I just went through something similar with my 4 year old daughter. I took her to the pediatritian because I couldn't take one minute more. It was happening twice a day and each tantrum lasted for about 45 minutes! The doctor referred me to a psychologist, but more importantly she told me I was doing a great job and this wasn't my fault!! For me, that gave me the strength to try something different. I always brought her to her room, thinking if she is out of sight, she won't think she is getting any attention, because like you said, I think they do it for attention! The next time it happend I decided we would completely ignor her. Didn't acknowledge her in any way. I didn't even look at her. I asked my son (6 yrs. old) and husband to do the same. While it was VERY difficult, instead of the usual minutes it lasted for about 20 minutes. Then she called out to me. I went to her and asked if anything was wrong. I told her I loved her and gave her a hug. I didn't feel I was rewarding the tantrum in anyway, but comforted her and rewarded her for snapping out of it with the hug. It happened again the next day and we handled it the same. She stopped after about 10 minutes. It's been about two months and I can honestly say it hasn't happened again. I don't know if it was a stroke of luck, or the fact that it truely is an attention thing. It may be worth trying a few times. Best of luck, and remember, you are doing a GREAT job:)

Hi, I don't have much good advice. But I can commiserate. I have a 9 yr old daughter and almost 4(june) twins boy/girl. My little girl is also a screamer, for attention,and things that she doesn't like or need. It seems to last forever. She also does the kicking and throwing of stuff. So tempermental and moody. Anyhow, I just wanted to show some support and tell you you aren't the only one. I will also be 40 in June and have an "F" in patience levels for this kind of behaviour! Some days are just so demanding it drives me to tears. Best luck to you. D.

After reading all the other responses, my only other thought was "Does your DD get any time away from her sisters?" Like maybe a fun class like karate or dance or swimming that is outside of preschool?

My DS is 3.5 and if I don't constanty engage his brain in constructive and physical activities he acts out more.

Because right now we aren't able to afford another class outside of preschool, when he is home with me we have two rules:

1) the TV is off from 9am to 5pm.
2) If he is behaving well, he can pick 2 things from the "Fun Jar" to do in the morning and then 2 things again in the afternoon. Basically I bought a cheap plastic jar from the Salvation Army Store and wrote on small pieces of paper different activities to do with him that he likes to do. These range from reading a book to him, coloring, sidewalk chalk, painting outside, bubbles, having a snack, setting up a "tent" of blankets inside, setting up an indoor obstacle course (consisting of pillows, hopping along the couch, crawling under the table, circling a chair, tumbling across the floor, etc.), watching a DVD of his choice, or playing one of his kid video games. All of these activities can be done is short time increments of 10-15 minutes. So we usually do one activity, then I let him do what he wants for another 15 minutes or so, then we do the other activity, and so forth.

I know it's a phase...but it definitely is an annoying phase for us parents.

Just keep her brain engaged in something constructive and continue with what you are doing. She is just testing your boundaries and trying to figure out how things work in the world.

And it's okay to show or tell your child that you are frustrated with them every so often. That's another life lesson that they need to learn...things that they do will upset or frustrate others.

Good Luck!

S.

J.,

When my daughter was much younger I consulted with an absolutely wonderful woman named Jan Hunt. She has a web site and has written several books. She was a great help to us and her site has a lot of FREE information from wonderful and loving sources. Here is the link to her site:

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/

I'd suggest 2 things that might help.
1. Don't over explain things to her. I noticed you use a lot of words when you put her in a time out. "you do not get your way when you scream. You are more likely to get your way when you use your words and act polity" This is a lot to absorb for even a 4 yr old. She's smart enough to know Scream equals timeout. So just put her in timeout. No words, explanation, etc. This just give her more attention for the negative behavior. She's getting more of your time verses without saying anything, put her in time out, set the timer, and leave the room. This way she doesn't even get you talking to her.
2. Make the timeout not in her room. Rooms are filled with fun things like toys.
3. Try taking away a privilage when she screams. If she loves watching cartoons....then no cartoons that night. If she loves Disney Channel (my daughter loves Hannah Montanna), then take away her watching Disney Channel for a night or afternoon.
4. Get the book: Parenting with Love and Logic by FAY. It's great!!! And many of the things in it work on husband's too.
5. Have a reward jar of marbles OR a Sticker chart. When she behaves for 5 days, then she gets to pick a prize out of the treasure box. ( have a box of inexpensive toys to choose from). If she misbehaves, take marbles out of the jar.
This will also work with your twins.

I've also heard from many doctors that you must always tell the child you don't like their BEHAVIOR. Never say you don't like THEM. "I don't like your behavior right now. I'm leaving the room" vs " You're not fun right now, I'm leaving".

Good luck
M. M

It is very hard to be a mom in these days. Is not like when you were able to BE at home and really "learn" our children with their individual personalities; for that you need personal time.
Your child is not hungry, as you said, but I think she is "hungry for a special kind of attention". The good news is that she is 4 years old. By this time she can already communicate to you what is the problem, or what is that she wants, or need, or dislike; and Thanks be to heaven, you already know most of her personality and her expressions of it.Not one child in the household has the same personality as the next one and the same tactics do not work the same.
I have experienced the three girls growing up together"thing".But also in raising boys is present where the one who had more time with mommy before the last child came, resent the new addition in the family.
* Preparation for the new arrival, in a regular basis, is so important from the moment you know you are pregnant,
* Leading the older child into "Big Sister" ideology will produce the desired behavior,
* Keep on giving her the same attention is important because repeated withdrawals give them the 'hunger' for attention, in any possible way. I have seen mothers who are called by the older child many times, only to be told to 'wait a minute' that turns in more than a minute, or end up being ignored until the child rebels and gets attention the wrong way,
* If the same attention cannot be given for the obvious reasons (twins are in!) then try making her part of the 'mommy taking care of the babies' thing, and try giving her a doll she would love immensely so she can practice with it while you are feeding, changing, taking out for a stroll, etc,. Also have a minute or two of recognition and embracing DURING the lapse of time you are taking care of the other children.* Be careful that she does not sense you are doing these things (the doll, etc,.) to get rid of the problem she is giving you, but that she actually is "playing" along with you and that you are loving her at the same time you love the other children in the family.
You would be amazed at all the things children can learn when they are presented (and kept for a good while) as if they were games**WITH TIME these things will bring improvement especially if you get your daughter used to talk with you about anything.
Good luck and remember that all good things take time and even if this now is a challenge for you, is an experience from which both you mother and child can benefit.