When to Start Time Out

Have you read '123 Magic' I have found success with my 2yr old using the counting methods/ time out discussed in this book.

Hi K.,
I haven't read the other posts but I did want to say that I read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" as well and I did not truly get it until I watched the DVD. It is an amazing technique and has worked for me with my own, with children up to age 5, and special needs children. I just thought I would mention that since you already were interested in Dr. Karp's methods.

K. B, You cannot make your child happy. Nor is it your responsibility. She will have to choose that for herself. You might use the question "Have you lost your happy Spirit? Then tell her if she cannot find her happy spirit by the time a timer goes off, say 5 min., there will be a negative consequence. In this particular offense it could be to sit in a chair or in the bed until the next timer goes off, say another five minutes, at which point you will check on her. If she is joyful then you praise her and she comes out, if she is not, she does not come out and you let her know that because she has not found her happy spirit you will have to reset the timer. You may not think she is old enough to understand these words, but her spirit does, and if they are repeated enough she will soon understand and those boundaries all children so need and are asking for with their behavior will be set in place. Consistancy is the key and the hard part. SW

Currently I work at a day care. In the mornings, I work in the 1 & 2 yr old class. We put the 1's and 2's in time out. If they won't stay we put them in a chair or I will sit behind them to make sure they stay. Hope this helps.

I have a 28 month old who has been getting time outs since before she was 2. It has already been effective, because now when she has her "moments" all I have to do is say "do you want a time out?" and she says no and works on calming herself down. It was also very effective at that age with my now 10 year old -- she got to the point where she put herself in time out on a look or word from me!

A time out should be 1 minute per year of age -- your daughter is close enough to 2 that I would suggest 2 minutes. She may not understand about sitting in a "time out" chair so you may need to use a playpen, etc. Don't use her regular crib because then she may start associating it with punishment which may cause issues with regular bedtime/naptime.

My son is 19 months old and we started the time out about a month ago. He now knows what it means when we say it. I just put him in the corner. I stand there so he cant leave and I count to 60 (one minute for each year of age). I think its been helping. We had to do something because he is also starting the tantrums and hitting. Good luck!

I just reasonly took some classes as is required by our state for my Day Care. They are not doing time outs now. The reason children throw tantrums is to get their way. I am trying to understand other ways. Time out has worked in my Day Care for a long time. We were also saying sorry and hugs which now the kids do on their own. I see we really are not having to do time outs. Hitting seems to be the form of two year olds to get other children to cooperate. But lately I see no times out. I have charts that when they use manners, potty nice, taste at least try foods etc and they get stars. They are more happy with doing the good behavior for there rewards. I also have charts to see who knows what in ABC's and Numbers. Try to ignore the bad behavior and when they settle down you will then talk to her about what she wants. The problem is they can not tell you a lot of times and you do not understand why they are upset. My 2 yr olds are talking and communicating what upsets them so it gets better the older they get. Now if you can keep a 5 yr old from tattling? Each yr has a new stage and I was always told to enjoy the calm. It is here and there. Each tantrum or situation can be an oportunity to teach. To share, care, develop communication skills. Enjoy your child and God Bless G.

It's time to start timeout...

we started at about that tiime(maybe even a bit earlier). My daughter is 24 months now and she knows what time out is and will sometimes put herself in it. From the start we had her in time out 1 minute per year old, and she couldn't leave time out until she said sorry... When we go to get her out of time out we say "Your in time out because...." then she says sorry ( though I think I'm going to teach her to say "do you forgive me" instead because sorry is taken too flippantly by most people). No, she probably won't "get it" right away but they learn very quickly. You daughter will understand what is happening within a few time out visits and if you are truly consistent with it your life will become a bit easier (don't expect it to cure all problem behaviors- your child is just figuring out what is okay and what isn't and if you really can be trusted to follow through every time or not, so to her testing the waters frequently is part of learning).

Hi there and Boy do I feel your pain! I don't comment on things I don't/won't do with my child, but this one I well versed with. We have been doing time-outs for about 3 months now. The frequency of them has picked up in the last month though. We do it just like Super Nanny does it. He does whatever it is he is doing: throwing toys across the room, hitting, pinching, etc....and I give him a warning. If he doesn't stop I tell him, Mommy says not to do that or I don't like that and if you don't stop you will have a time-out. Sometimes that works, when it does not the very next time he does the same behavior I take him by the hand to our "time-out spot" (it is up against a wall with nothing around him, and sit him down and tell him, "You are in a time-out because you were doing so and so, and Mommy told you to stop and you didn't." Then I walk away. Since he is almost 2, he is to sit there for two minutes. I make sure I am where I can see him, but I don't look at him or talk to him. When the two minutes is up, I go over and have him stand up (each time I make sure we are eye-level) and tell him you were in a time-out because Mommy told you to stop, doing whatever it was he was doing, and now your time-out is done. Tell Mommy you are sorry, he does this, and give me a sugar, he does this, and now you can go play. I always tell him right before he goes back to playing, I love you and he always says back to me, Uh-oooh Mommy. Which is of course cute toddler for Love you. Hope this helps. We only had problems at first making him sit there and that only happened twice because we started early and took him straight back without saying a word to him. He knew we meant business. I sure hope this helps you. If you feel the need to ask more questions, I'm here.

Hey -
I'm basically in the same boat you are in. I have a 6 year old boy that has an easy going personality, so he didn't really start misbehaving until he was 3 and I used timeouts with him (amount of time per age). But, I currently have a 16 month girl that is going to cause me to have a stroke. She can really throw it down. So, I have started telling her "stop crying" and if she doesn't, then I pick her up and put her in her crib and I tell her - you can come out when you quit crying. I am not timing it as I KNOW she doesn't quit crying in 1 minute. But, as soon as she quits crying, I go in there and take her out and she is as pleasant as she can be.

I don't know if this is the RIGHT way to handle it or not, but I know I can't handle her throwing a fit on the floor and me ignoring it (I tried that and that is when I wanted to have the stroke. Her screaming like that just drives me nutso). I am hoping and praying that this method works and that we can start just "regular timeouts" soon.

-L.

At this age the best thing to do is ignore the behavior that you do not like. And reward her when she is doing behavior that you do like. For example, if she is eating quietly at the dinner table; tell her how happy you are that she is eating so nicely. Really make a big deal of it. If she starts throwing a tantrum; ignore that and she eventually will stop. Don't even make eye contact or say "no". The minute she stops the tantrum; reward her with praise. I also have ignored a tantrum and started playing babies or doing something fun in front of her. It was really funny, because she would kind of stop and watch. Then eventually she stopped and joined me in play. She will get it the more you do it. They really understand that. I started time-out at 15 months; however, only reserved for hitting or other type of behavior where I felt time-out was really my only option. If she threw a toy or threw her sippy cup on the floor; I would just remove the object. That probably worked better than time-out. She is now 2 1/2 and I get a ton of comments of how well behaved she is. I maybe only have to put her in time-out 1x a month. Usually a warning works - "if you continue with that behavior, mommy will put you in time-out" 9 out of 10 times she chooses to stop the behavior. Good luck!

Read "Love and Logig" - it explains everything!

www.loveandlogic.com

When saying no, say we musent do that, it isn't nice, or it might break or what ever, then say lets go play with this and get her interested in something else. If she still throws a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, I'd say she needs time out, tell her when she can quit doing that she can get up but not until. And stick to it, or she'll lean real quick that you don't mean it.

I would immediately stop using the word no so much. When I say NO, I want my kids to know I mean business, like if they are running away from me in a parking lot, about to touch a hot stove, etc. "no" in my house is a very firm, somewhat loud, and quite direct command that I insist be obeyed immediately! Now, my suggestion is to simply say something like "Oh no, it looks like you are having a hard time listening, I think some time alone will help you calm down" or something similar. When she does something wrong, rather than telling her what not to do, explain what she can do. Like if she is jumping on the couch, I might say "Oh dear, couches are not for jumping, but I would love to see how many times you can jump on the floor/trampoline. At 20 months that seems to do the trick most of the time, but even my 20 month old can throw a fit every now and then. Mostly, I just ignore her, but if it is too bad, she goes to her bed. I do give her a binky and blankie, which she only gets in her bed, because she needs to calm down and get it together, not feel like she is being punished. It is more of an attempt to help her get control of herself. Sorry for the lenghty post, but I hope it has helped at least some. I hope you find something that works, and some extra patience when you realize that nothing you try is curing the tantrums! ~A.~

Our first was 18 months or so when we started, but we didn't do it for throwing a fit. My understanding of their thought process at the time was that they're just now being told, and understanding "no", and they're angry and frustrated at the situation. So, having been a child who was never allowed to cry (seriously!), I came up with telling her to throw a fit in her room. First I took her gently by the hand and led her there, and said she could throw her fit in here, and come out when she was calm. Later, I could just tell her to go, and she would. Not too long after we started this, she was able to immediately stop screaming, remove herself from the public room, go to her room, and throw her fit there. It was absolutely hilarious to visitors and grandparents alike! But, my now 9 year old daughter is extremely obedient (most of the time, we're having hormone issues already!), and knows how to hold it together long enough to let all her frustrations and tears out in private, and then have a calm conversation about it after.
That said, I believe there is a difference between your desire to control her temper fits (which, IMO, don't deserve punishment...it's just an emotional release), and your desire for her obedience. I would save time-outs for direct disobedience, start at a one minute, nose in the corner (that's what my daughter understood, as did my 2 boys, way better than sitting down, and it way cuts down on distractions), no talking (you either). The other thing to remember is that you need to stay calm during these fits, it will help her. Even when she starts with the "I hate you"s, remember that she doesn't mean it, she's just looking for a reaction.
I would also suggest, if you're Christian, the book Shepherding Your Child's Heart. It gives great insight to the heart of the matter: rebellion. If you're not a Christian, it's still a good book, but a lot of it won't reflect your beliefs.

I've had my 19 mo. old twins in and out of TO for about 6 mos. now. You can't use it for everything, but I do when it comes to disobedience like not coming to me when I ask so that in the future they don't run away from me and get hit by a car. I have not used it for tantrums though. I tend to ignore the tantrum and the child until they calm down so they understand they are not going to get a response. I also try to distract them or tell them to try to talk to me in a different voice. You do have to pick your battles when doing so and they have to be able to understand what TO means. If they don't then most likely it is too early. Mine understood it very early on and 9 out of 10 times all I have to do is mention going into TO and they stop their bad behavior. Good luck!

Congratulations! You are the mother of a strong willed little girl who is discovering that her needs and wants aren't always the same as what Mommy thinks right now. This is normal, normal, normal. You are not the only mom with a child who throws temper tantrums...trust me. I always get a little bit of relief when I see another mom in the market with a child throwing a tantrum...only because it makes me feel a bit better about my own parenting and that I'm not the only one on the block with this same problem. It will happen more and more as she gets older (but over different things). The more she learns to communicate her feelings to you, the better.

Yes, time outs are an option at her age. The general rule is one minute per year so about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes for her. You need to make sure that she knows what she is in trouble for both before and after the time out. My daughter is now 3 and yes, she still has plenty of emotional outbursts, but we send her to her room until she calms herself down. She then comes out, tells us what she did wrong, and apologizes. I think that little girls are naturally emotional (some boys too) and that this is something that they will grow out of around 20 or so. Lol. I would also say to look at yourself and how you react to bad situations or things that anger you in front of her. I see my daughter reacting in bad ways just like Mommy does a lot of times too. :) Good luck, and don't feel that you're a bad parent just b/c your daughter has tantrums. It just means she is right on schedule.

If she is old enough to pitch a fit when you say no, she is old enough for a time out. One minute per year, and don't start the timer until she is calm enough to understand you are not going to let it go. They are soooo much smarter than we give them credit for! You need to make sure you use a designated area/spot for the time outs and/or a time out chair. It needs to be away from distractions like TV/toys/other children, yet close enought to you so you can see her and keep an eye on her. Make sure when the timer goes off (her own egg itmer is a good idea as well) you get down on her level and tell her that what she did was naughty and she needs to tell mommy she is sorry, hug her and kiss her and send her on her way. No talking to her while she is in timeout, and no matter how loud she gets DON'T GIVE IN!! That is easier said than done, I know, but if you cave once, she will never take you seriously.
Good luck, you might also try reading "raising the strong willed child" (google it, I can't remember who wrote it) She sounds like she is going to be a strong and lovely young lady!

I started modified time-outs when my daughter was 15 months (and one day!) :) She likes to throw things. I don't give her time outs for tantrums, but because I don't want to hear it any more than anyone else does, I leave the room. At first she would scream louder because she realized I wasn't paying attention. Now, she usually gets up and follows me calmly with a totally different tone. My husband isn't as calm with this aspect and she does throw more tantrums around him.

At first, I worried that she didn't understand what was happening. The pediatrician recommended that we sit and hold her still for the one minute at first. I did that for a while before realizing that I didn't like that idea. I didn't want my arms to be a place of punishment. So I decided to start sitting her in her room. Every time I would wonder if she really understood why I was doing that, I just had to remember that she screams every time I pick her up to put her in there - that's my cue that she's aware she's about to do something she doesn't want to do. How long it takes to link that to the bad behavior, I don't know.

She's 18 months now and I am about to change to the specific spot time-out. (Although she is usually still sitting in the same spot in her room when I go back to get her.)

In short, I don't think it's too early for timeout. I would also consider what behaviors you consider punishable and which ones you just want to change. I don't punish emotional outbursts, but I do punish hitting or throwing things (or if she started biting, pushing, etc.) As another mom said, my sister also told her daughter (now 5) to go throw her tantrums in her room. She could come out when she felt like joining the family again. It worked for her as well. Her daughter is very emotional and used to cry or scream at a lot of things... but now it's confined to her room. I'm not sure if I will take this approach or wait to see if my walking away continues to quell the tantrums.

Good luck!!

My daughter is 21 months and we started time out in a corner around a month ago. The sitter has actually been using time outs with her for about 3 or 4 months, but she would put her in a pack and play so she was contained. We now just tell her to go to the corner when she has not obeyed us and she goes. We wait until she stops crying and give her a minute or two and then we get down on her level, talk to her about what shes done very briefly and then give hugs and tell her I love you. It may take a couple of times, but eventually she starts behaving again.

Our 3rd old was just like that at 2 . we did put her in time out for 2 minutes. a minute for their age. but she seemed to really like it. when we stopped reacting to her tantrums they stopped. try this when your child has one don't say or do anything to her. just sit back read a book or watch the news or something. when she sees she is not going to get any attention, she will stop. Good Luck.