"All This Screaming Is Driving Me to Scream"

Put her in a timeout place ( I use the laundry room with her little chair as the timeout chair). Let her scream all she wants in there but make it clear that she can't come out until the screaming and crying stops. You have to stop screaming at her. I know it's really hard but it's going to make everything worse and she's just keep doing it too. Trust me on this as my second child (a girl) was the same way and still, at 9 yrs old, has her moments. Good luck!

My daughter is a loud talker and occasional screamer too!!

Here are options for you:

1. If she screams when she is crying, explain to her in a soft voice that you do not understand why she is crying because you cannot hear her (if she's trying to talk to you).

2. Is she screaming because she's mad and is crying and is frutrated? If so, leave the room when she is crying. It may be a way for her to get your attention.

3. When she doesn't get what she wants and screams, tell her in a soft voice "No thank you. We do not scream. Instead say No Thank You." If she doesn't do it, ignore her and do not give into her requests. Once she is done and listens, see if you can get her to say No Thank You or No Mommy or I would not like to do X. Make a HUGE deal about her using her nice voice and giggle. It's easy to change a kid from being upset to being happy and laughing. This has been a huge area of improvement in our daughter. She used to say "STOP!" if she didn't us to do something like sing or dance or read or play (almost anything). But we have taught her to say No Thank You so now she will start to say STOP or something along those lines and I'll either give her the 'look' or will say 'Can you say that in a different tone? I'd love to give you X but you need to say it differently." She will correct herself and in the past few days, she'll say No Thank You before saying anything rude.

3. Forgive yourself for screaming and when you are both calmed down, explain to her that you are sorry for yelling at her. she may be young but she's not too young to listen to you explain how you made a mistake. That will teach her that even mommy's do something wrong once in awhile. If she is upsetting you and you feel like you are going to scream, leave the room and count to ten. Or just cry. Sometimes that will get them to stop!

4. have you taught her about inside and outside voices? Try using whispering inside and then tell her she can go outside and yell.

5. Ignore any request that includes screaming by saying "I can't hear you when you are yelling. If you'd like milk, you need to ask nicely in a softer voice or I'd love to put a cartoon on but I cannot hear which one you are asking to see because you are yelling. Try in a softer voice. Leave everything in 'her' court as far as getting what she wants by how she talks.

Good luck!

I hear your pain J.. My son learned the "Joy" of screaming right around her age. He would get so loud and carry on son much that the neighbor would stop by on occasion to make sure everything was ok. How embarrassing! One day it just came to me and I hope this works for you too. As soon as he would get started screaming and crying I would get real close to him and whisper. Make sure they can see your mouth moving, but can't quite hear what you are saying. Then I would smile and laugh all in a whisper. I would pretend that the funniest thing was going on and be over dramatic holding my belly and talking quite nonsense. He would be so curious at what I was saying and what was so funny, he would quite down and usually start giggling himself. Give it a try, we still play the whisper game till this day and he still cracks up every time.

After trying the really quiet voice and "this hurts my ears" trick - I scream back - with a smile. After a couple of screams to see who can be the loudest we usually end up with both of us cracking up - then I use distraction and change of scenery as my back up to deflate the situation.

Hope that helps!

Girl....I know what you're going through. I have a little one who will be 2 next month and I was just reflecting that this morning was her loudest morning yet. Most of the time I can keep my cool too, but I find that, for both of us, if she's in the middle of a screaming fit, I change the situation. Usually taking her to a different room will do it. Just this morning, she was throwing an enormous fit (this is new in our house) right before nap time. It was a little early still to put her down, so I took her to her room, put her on the floor with a few books in front of her, turned her music on and I actually cleaned around her room while she was in there, completely ignoring her until we both just cooled down. She was quiet, but I was reeling. That seemed to work for us. I gave it about 10 minutes before I returned to her, read her books and put her down. I just needed that time to cool off.

Sometimes, if she's being totally out of control and I just need a break, I'll put her in her room with some toys, shut the door and walk away for five minutes or so. Her room is totally childproofed so she can't get hurt or in trouble in there. It seems to work for both of us.

I don't know if my advice will help or not...but I certainly empathize with you. I just keep trying to remember that this is just a phase and she'll be a "normal human being" again soon. :)

Oh, and also, I've heard that most tantrums take place if the little one is hungry, tired or dirty. I try to avoid them by making sure my daughter is on schedule. Doesn't always work (this morning is evidence) but most of the time, it helps.

Good luck!
Hilary

My parents as teachers educator recommended Dr. Becky Bailey's book Easy to love, Difficult to discipline. Kinda lengthy, but so many great tips and information on child psychology. good luck. very frustrating.

Foam ear plugs! Softens the noise, but doesn't fully block it out. Just in case!
S.

Hi J.,
Start whispering. I am serious - it works. And I am like you - I can not stand screaming. When my children would yell or scream or be out of control - the first thing I would do is start whispering to them that I couldn't understand them but if something was the matter - they could talk to me and tell me. And I always told them that if they needed to scream - they could scream in their pillow or we could go run around the block to get some of that out before we talked. Don't be too hard on yourself - you may yell occassionally when you are up to your neck with screaming, but when you stay in control, your little girl will have a better chance of staying in control when she is feeling out of control. Stay cool and calm - and you and your little girl will be great!
Take care - J.

Now would be a good time to find a "Love and Logic" class in your area. We loved it. I am thinking I might even need a refresher course. It teaches you to deal with all these crazy issues that come up while we are raising children. Dealing with screams is a topic that was discussed. Screaming is a way for them to get power. If you take the power away, they stop the behavior. IE: Ignore the screams, and they will stop screaming as it is getting them nowhere. You are supposed to tell your child when she starts screaming that mommy will listen to her when she stops screaming. The screaming hurts mommy's ears, so she needs to go scream in her room and you will talk to her when she is calm. I'm not sure how well she reasons yet, but it worked on all of my kids when they were 4, 5 etc. That's how old the youngest was when we took the class.

Good luck. And, find and TAKE THE CLASS! You will be so happy you did!

My son is a screamer at almost 4 years old. I can give you EMPATHY!! I'm not a yeller or a screamer, but sometimes to get him to listen I have to yell (the whisper thing doesn't work with him). I absolutely know what you mean by losing control of your temper. At one point I was screaming back at him just so he'd know what he sounded like, but it freaked him out and he screamed harder. I tried soap in the mouth, grounding, spanking, timeouts, nothing stops it so it's just something he's going to hopefully outgrow sooner or later. So now I clap my hand over his mouth to spare my hearing and carry him to his room or a bathroom if we're out and close the door. I tell him he can scream all he wants in there. I made a new years resolution to try to make it thru the whole day without yelling and so far so good - I've made it 3 days. That whole counting down from 10 or 20 thing sounds stupid but it really works! He's old enough now I can tell him when he stops screaming then I'll be able to talk to him again but he needs to calm down first. He almost ALWAYS says he sorry and gives me a hug. We're working a lot on compromising and problem solving now so hopefully as he gets older he can start negotiating instead of losing it first.

there needs to be a consequence to her screaming other than you screaming back. time out, her going to her room, but it can't be you giving her attention. which is what you are doing when you scream back. she got your attention. it might not sound logical but we're talking about a two year old. she will do whatever works. if she screams and eventually gets your attention she will do it. the consequence for screaming has to be no attention from you. but you must also give her positive attention playing with her, sitting with her, doing something with her. she wants attention make it something good.

In my opinion, I think one of the worst things parents can do is to just ignore screaming. That is giving them permission to act up. What we have always done w/ our son when he acts up is to always be firm with him and let him know that behavior is unacceptable. If she's not used to you being firm w/ her then it's going to take a while before the screaming stops, but once she knows your serious, all you have to do is look at her with your "I mean it eyes" and say "stop it", and 9/10 times it works. At least it has always worked for us(most of the time!) Good luck!

J., Does she have some language skills? If she can talk, even a little, she can use her words to tell you what she is feeling rather than screaming. Tell her "use your words, what do you want". Model for her "I am so hungry, I want some breakfast", "my block tower fell over and that makes me mad". Language skills can really help.

Good Luck, M.

a very wise woman once told me to "lower my voice as the noise in the room accelerates". She was referencing classroom behavior, but recommended that I also use it when working one-on-one with children.

It works, it flat-out works! Children cannot resist the need to know what you're saying! This is a technique which I have used regularly for 15+ years & it has never, ever failed.

That said, one of the easiest ways to change this soul-shattering behavior is to quite simply place your child in her room....as some of the other Moms said!....with a gate, some toys, & do not allow her to interact with you until she is in control of herself & apologizes to you for her behavior. The phrase I consistently use (for both whining & screaming) is: "when you can speak to me in your normal tone of voice, I will listen". If you're dead-on consistent with this, your daughter will learn what's acceptable & what's not. ........I wish you Peace!

We use the "crying corner" which is the same place as timeout (the mat by the back door) but is handled differently.

My son is 20 months and we have been doing this since about 14 months:
He screams, cries, drags on my legs, whines.
I say, "Miles, it's ok for you to cry, but you have to do it in the crying corner. When you are done crying, you can come back out and play."
I put him on the mat, and AS SOON as he stops crying (5-20 seconds, sometimes 5 minutes) I hold my arms out to hug him. If he starts crying when I don't pick him up, he goes back.
Many times, I can tell him, "Miles, you can stop crying or you can go to the crying corner." He will often stop.

For time out, it is for mis-behavior and is for a specific period of time. Crying corner gives them a safe place to get it together and they control the time.
Also, for YOUR screaming...I am with you, it hurts me to hear myself sounding like my mother the yeller. I started seeing a counselor every other week and working on ways to express myself and redirect my frustration. It's been really great. also, the counselor I see is a licensed play therapist and child behaviorist, so even though he doesn't come with me, she really helps.
She recommends "123 magic" for discipline.

good luck!

I agree with Sue, if you talk quieter to her she will have to quiet down to hear you and if you let her know that you don't listen to her words when she's screaming, she will have to repeat them in a quieter tone and eventually she will stop screaming.
It works with crying babies too, they will quiet down to hear what you are saying, to them I usually sing a quiet song. I'm not sure what to do with my 20 month old granddaughter who screams in response to playing with her brothers and sisters, I think she just wants to be heard with so many others in the house!