I need parenting skills (not kicking him out) but skills on how my parents can help him.
He was supposed to graduate from college this year but failed all his classes the last 2 semesters. If he doesn't pass them, the school will kick him out. When he's home, and he's always been like this, he doesn't brush his teeth, occasionally showers, bedroom is a disaster, spends most of his time playing video games at home or at a friends house (he occasionally goes out to the movies or bowling, etc). He refuses to help with recycling, and throws and splatters the garbage in the can, and it comes out, making the clean up worst (He says he doesn't care about the mess, he said it's our choice to clean it up, and that he'll continue to throw the trash). I live at home for health reasons, but I pay the bills, have a career, and help with house responsibilities.
As his older sister, how can I help my parents help my brother become a responsible adult? It is so much easier to train a 5 year old, but what about a 21 year old?! I feel that my parents don't know what to do with him. He became like this after turning 16.
Please advice. I've had people say to kick him out, but if we do, he's life will get worst for sure, and I that's not what i want for him. Please and Thank you!
Thank you every one for your answers! I will be moving out to help my family work this out.
If he moves out things might get worse, or he might finally step up, realize that if he doesn't take care of himself no one else will and actually begin to take responsibility for his own life.
What are your health issues? If you are able to work, pay bills and take care of household responsibilities then why not move out, to a studio, or in with a roommate? I think if you weren't around your parents would be forced to deal with him themselves, which is probably exactly what's needed.
if your parents haven't parented him appropriately for 21 years, and are not willing to draw any lines in the sand now, it's highly unlikely that they're going to wake up at this point.
if the main concern is life not getting worse for him, then y'all can continue to make it easy for him.
in your shoes i'd move out. if you work and pay bills and take care of the house, i have no doubt that you can manage your health issues too.
or stay and put up with what your parents have created. the dynamic is not yours to fix.
khairete
S.
Look - you (collectively - meaning you and your parents) can not baby him and expect that he will grow up.
It hasn't worked so far.
Expecting different results for continuing in the same pattern is the definition of insanity.
So what are you committed to doing differently?
I think it is reasonable that he works to earn the money to pay back his parents for the semesters he failed college.
That means ANY job - picking up trash, waiting/busing tables, stocking shelves, fast food, etc.
If he can't get a full time job - then he works 2 or more part time jobs.
Besides saving up pay to pay back his college bills (and he pays his bills out of every paycheck - he gets very little to keep as 'fun' money) - he needs to start paying for his other expenses - rent (including his portion of utilities), insurance, phone bill, food, clothing, internet provider, etc.
You need to have a very detailed signed rental contract with him which expires and needs to be renewed periodically.
It might be worth working with a lawyer to get one written up to the degree you need it to be.
If he won't clean up after himself - and it's HUGE that you all are allowing him to trash your home/living space - that just isn't right - then he pays for a cleaning service to come and clean up after him.
It may very well come to a point where any sort of interaction with him turns into enabling of his irresponsible behavior.
Your only choice then is to undergo the process of eviction of an adult child.
My Mom had to do this with my sister who was running around with a boyfriend who was all about rebelling against parental authority and any other authority.
It was very hard on my Mom - but it ultimately saved my sisters life.
When there were no parents to fight against - the boyfriend dropped my sister.
We many years later found out that he had been jailed twice for domestic violence.
It might very well mean that YOU (and your parents) have to grow up in order to do something in order to force HIM to grow up.
Be warned though that sometimes it doesn't work no matter what you do.
In some cases - a parent will pay up rent on a trailer home in a trailer park for a year and move the adult child there.
After that year is up it's up to him to continue to pay his rent - or not - and whether he ends up on the street or not is entirely up to him.
He needs to learn these skills now - because your parents will age and die eventually - and you can't be expected to wipe his behind for him the rest of his/your life.
Good luck.
Please consider finding a small 1 bedroom apartment for yourself. You'll be so much happier. You'd also be able to do things on your own with your own friends and have peace and cleanliness.
If you aren't there to be a buffer between them and clean up after him it's a lot more likely he'll be kicked out or be told he has to start paying bills.
If it was me I'd tell him here is your chore list. Do it yourself or hire someone, I don't care but it gets done every single day.
