Should I Allow Him to Continue to Live in My Condo or Kick Him Out?

He doesn't need a nice box to live in. He needs a place to live that he can afford and pay on his own. If that's a smaller little dive, so be it.

You need to require him to move out. It's time for him to be on his own. If he messes up with this girl, it will be his cross to bear.

You need to stop talking about the girl. You're just making it harder for him to let go by badgering him.

Well he can certainly rent a room somewhere else, right? No one here in CA can rent a whole apartment let alone a condo for $575. So I guess it's time for him to grow up and realize that. And he won't be homeless or anything, he just needs to suck it up and realize he will be living with a roommate or two, like most young people do.

No it's not wrong. He is an adult and you don't owe him anything. He owes himself a lot and the sooner he gets it together, the better.

You can always suggest a shelter.

To me, this is similar to the question last week from the mom who was considering not paying her college age daughter's rent because her older boyfriend was considering moving near to her. Your circumstances with your son differ in some important ways, but really, if you want to force the two of them together, then booting him out would be a great way to do that. Wouldn't there then be a good chance that he would shack up with her, either staying wherever she stays or getting a place together? Is that a move in the right direction?

I think you just need to wait this one out. Tell him that you expect him to find a roommate by X date or that he will pay the full market rate for rent after that date. If you want to receive market value rent for the property and he is capable of paying it with a roommate, then let him know that just like with any other landlord, that is the expectation.If he doesn't find a roommate or pay full rent, then you can deal with that when the deadline comes.

You're mixing apples and oranges here. The fact that he has a loser girlfriend has nothing at all to do with the rental arrangements. Trying to control him financially so that you can get him to end this relationship is a great way to push them together and will only backfire and make it worse.

Your son is legally an adult. He is renting a home. He is making some choices that you disagree with (such as his choice of girlfriend, loaning money with no hope of having it repaid, hiding a relationship status from family and friends). That basically sums it up.

So, the problem is that you really only have control over one factor in this puzzle, and that is, you are the legal landlord of a rented condo. There is a lease which gives the tenant certain rights. You have every right to make a landlord's decision about rent amounts, and not renewing leases, and to seek new tenants or not rent it at all.

You can hope that your son will listen to you, and that he'll make better choices in life, and that he'll listen to his friends, but 23 year old boys often don't make the best choices. The reason your son allows this girl to be in his life may never be understandable. Perhaps he thinks he can help her, perhaps she has appealed to his sense of being the hero provider, maybe she's just cute and sexy and he's not thinking about anything beyond that. Maybe he thinks he'll never find a girl who's educated, independent, employed, and responsible and he's given up trying to improve his life. You'll probably never understand her reasons for latching on to him.

But you really can't kick a kid out of a lease because you don't like his relationship arrangements. Not paying rent, damaging the contents of the unit, or not abiding by the lease provisions are reasons to evict a tenant. We have a house that we rent, and the tenants are just weird. The wife is making some horrible choices, career-wise and in other areas. However, they take good care of the property and never fail to pay their rent. The restrictions outlined in the lease are being followed to the letter, so, live and let live. We only know them in an extremely superficial way, having met them briefly just a couple of times, so we have no influence over their personal lives. We just ask that they follow the lease.

Your choices, as I see them, are to draw up a new lease with a fair rental price, which your son will probably not be able to afford, and he'll move out or get evicted. Or you can study the lease and see if it permits the landlord to simply not renew the lease (be sure you're following the letter of the law). Or you can continue to rent to your son, and hope he grows up pretty quickly.

But whichever way you choose to proceed, please don't make this about the girl. You shouldn't say "your girlfriend is stupid so we're not going to rent to you". That doesn't help your son learn adult behavior. Make this as business-like as though you were not related to him and simply charging a fair rent or terminating the lease.

You say you wanted to help your son get on his feet, but allowing an adult to live in a condo for more than a year at half the reasonable rent is doing anything except helping him get on his feet. It's more than about money. If you want him to get on his feet, make him make adult choices, like applying for an apartment or room somewhere, and not being accountable to mommy and daddy anymore. If you must, help him with the down payment for that room. Tell him you're always willing to listen, to advise, to counsel, to help with business decisions, but you're not going to carry him on your backs anymore. And stick to non-emotional discussions. Don't talk to him about the girl. Talk about not loaning money, about paying bills, about living an adult life.

Just have to comment on your description of the girlfriend. You mention bi polar at the very end. A lot of what you describe sounds like a person struggling with a mental health condition. My sister is bi polar. She had to leave a very promising career, couldn't work, and was pretty manic at times (you mention calling and texting constantly). She was very low and depressed (you mention whinging).

These might not be personality traits so much as an illness she's dealing with. I just had to mention that. You saying you all hate her seems pretty extreme.

I'm sure your son picks up on that. No doubt why he's not sharing with you why he cares for her.

I would not make this about the condo and if he can live there. You'll alienate him more.

I was involved with a not so desirable guy at your son's age. My mom gently reminded me that I deserved to be respected, to be loved and to be happy. Eventually it sank in. She was supportive not frustrated with me (she likely was, but I didn't know about it). She encouraged me to branch out in other ways - so that i could see what else was out there.

I think you need to focus on your son, not fixate on the young woman.

I think that you have two completely separate issues here:

1. Do I continue to rent to my son at this below market rate

2. Do I interfere with his toxic relationship with his girlfriend

Why are you combining them? That only suggests controlling an adult child and manipulating them to bend to your will. That never works out. I completely understand where you are coming from - you are just trying to help him the best way you know how. However, this isn't the way to do it.

He is going to be with this girlfriend with or without the condo - you need to just let that part go. Also, punishing him when you otherwise wouldn't simply because you CAN by cancelling/non-renewal of the lease, is mean and petty.

Rise above the situation and stop parenting an adult child. If you want to rent to him, do so without rules and reservations. Offer him moral/emotional support instead of 'I told you so's". He is an adult and technically you are his landlord - if he is paying the agreed upon rent, you do not, as a landlord, get to tell him who he can date. Alternatively, if you want to rent for more money or sell the condo altogether, you have that power as well.

Oh, it does sound like he is completely capable of securing a place to live all by himself. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you into letting him stay (just like you need to not emotionally blackmail him into breaking up with his

Good luck.

Your son is an adult, so it is best to try to view this from the perspective of a landlord.

A landlord would care about rent being paid. As you know, typically when one roommate leaves, either another takes his/her place or the remaining tenant(s) cover the full rent. It would be very reasonable for you to expect this of your son. He should either cover it or get a new paying roommmate.

A landlord has no beef with anyone's 'loser girlfriend' so long as she is not destroying property. Relationships are largely not the business of a landlord, except in regards to sticking to the legalities with the number of people in the lease or max occupancy.

You said, ".. we know we cannot run his life..." but that is exactly what you're trying to do. You're mad because as a mother, your son won't do what you want him to do. So you're using the only leverage you have to try to manipulate him.

As a parent, I get where your emotions come from. However, you can't allow your feelings to prod you into behaving foolishly. Your son is highly unlikely to cave in under your will, and all you'll accomplish is driving him further away. You need to back right off on the girlfriend issue. Learn to keep your opinions to yourself unless you're asked for input. Your actions are only driving a bigger wedge between you and your son.

If your son was asking - remember I don't know the girl or have an opinion of her - I'd tell him that if he was certain of his choices that he should start looking for a new place to live immediately. If you don't want to renew the lease, that's fine. I think it would be best for your son if you didn't have anything to hold over his head anymore because he can't truly become an independent adult until he sets up some boundaries with you.

I think you could just insist that he find another roommate, because you're unwilling to eat the other half of the rent.

Or you can just say, "Fine, go find a nice box, then." No, it's not wrong to do whatever you want to do with your property. He's 23, he's an adult.

He's supposed to be a man already. Stop making this about his girlfriend. This is about your failure as a parent to properly teach your son rudimentary skills. He's not paying rent.

How do you know this girl has no credit? How do you know any of these things about her?
How do you know this girl is bi-polar? have you even taken the time to get to know her or did she make a lousy first impression and that was it for you? She's not the one you want for your son so you are controlling him. Sorry. You can't control him. The more you bash this girl? The more attracted he will be to her.

If you have a written lease agreement with him? Tell him he has 30 days to vacate the premises. Then clean it up and make it ready for market and get what is the going rate for the condo.

He failed at living on his own once.
What went wrong?
How will he fix it next time?
What will he do differently?
You could be making money on that rental if you had a tenant paying full rent.
He's a grown man.
If he wants to do what he wants to do - he needs to do it in his own apartment and not in your condo.
See how much he enjoys his girlfriend when he has to pay her way for everything.
If he wants something to take care of - he should get a dog.
This girl sounds like an albatross hanging around his neck and he can't see what a burden she is.
If this is going to be how he lives his life - he needs to own it - all of it - and stand on his own two feet.
Allowing him to stay is enabling him.
It's hard but you've got to stop doing that.
That whole 'I'll have to find a nice box to live in' spiel is an attempt at manipulation.
We all struggle when we're first on our own.
Finding our way is how we grow up.

Heck, at 23 I was married and pregnant with my 3rd child. I built a 4 bedroom/2.5 bath house when I was 24! He needs to get it together, and he's not going to do it with you guys helping him - though that's what we want to do as parents.

It's not wrong AT ALL to have him leave.

This is going to be harsh, but here goes. You failed as a parent. Your son doesn't know the basics of taking care of himself. He isn't paying rent. You let him slide on that.

You want to control him. You didn't want him to leave home, so you ensured he was not mentally and financially prepared to be on his own. You have given him a safety net and he doesn't need to learn how to operate on his own.

If you have a lease set up with him? You need to consult an attorney who specializes in landlord/tenant issues. I don't believe you can state who can be in the property if someone is legally renting it and paying rent on time.

You need to stop bashing the girlfriend. Maybe she's more like you and you don't like what you see? Is that possible? We seem to find fault in others that we can't admit to about ourselves. Take a step back and let go of the need to control your son.

Let him live on his own. No safety net. You should have taught him years ago how to budget, respect himself and make good decisions for himself.

No, and stick with your plans. He's an adult and it's time for him to grow up. If he's not abiding by the rules you've set up to stay on your property, it's time for him to move out of the condo and get his own place. He's trying to manipulate you with the "nice box" statement, knowing that will make you sad as a mom. That's all it is -- pure manipulation. He's perfectly capable of finding a place.

I couldn't tell by your post if his GF is living in the condo with him, or if they are just dating. If she is staying there, your son is surely too comfortable because you're picking up half the fair rent for the condo. Since you are paying it, there's no need for him to feel resentful his girlfriend isn't able to pay her fair share. It's easy for him to be less bothered by her irresponsibility because he doesn't have to live as an independent adult himself. He doesn't really need a grown-up partner right now.

Yes, I would not renew the lease, just because it seems like it's past a generous amount of time you have given for him to have gotten back on his feet after moving. I would mention it it in relation to his choice to date someone or not. His comment about the box is childish, I'd ignore it.

If the GF is living elsewhere, I still think you're too emotionally invested the details of your son's relationship, and in disliking this young woman. Hate is a strong word. Your son is 23, and I think you just have to accept you don't have a say in who he dates. You don't have to like her. However, if he has to support himself, I would bet he's going to grow tired of this particular girlfriend a lot faster

Is the girlfriend medically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?

What do you mean 'failure living on his own elsewhere?

The GF and the condo are two unrelated things, and you merging them send a very unclear message to your son.

If you no longer want him to live in the condo just be clear and tell him: "Billy your father and I feel like this arrangement is no longer working out and have decided to not renew condo lease. You have xx days to move out". End of discussion.

I would not tie the GF to his living arrangement.

Then, I know how hard this will be, I would change my attitude about GF so that he doesn't feel forced to defend her. The more he keeps her secret the more enticing she is and the less info you get on their relationship and the less you will be able to influence him.

Once he is out of your condo, and you force him to choose her, he will play right into her hands. The kinder you are to her the more open he will be with you. The less you focus the attention on him having to defend her, the brighter the light will shine on her questionable behavior.

You can't control who he dates, but as long as you keep a relationship with him, you can model your values to him by treating him like an adult who has to deal with consequences of bad decisions.

This is such a tricky situation, wishing your family a good outcome.

ETA: If the GF has been medically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, some of the unlikeable behaviors she is exhibiting may be symptoms of her unmedicated disorder. It's important to understand that if she has this disorder, it is a lifelong commitment to manage it.

He's 23 and has been an adult for 5 years. Your job as a parent of a minor is long over. You just can't dictate who he dates or lives with.

You can only demand full rent and require him to either pay it himself or get a roommate who can foot half of the bill. As the landlord, you have the right to run a credit and background check on tenants - including your son. You have the right to terminate or extend the lease. If you don't have a signed lease from your son, get one or give him 2 months notice that you will be requiring it, including a damage/security deposit. You can't keep the girlfriend out unless she doesn't meet the criteria of all your other tenants (meaning your son). You can insist on things like no smoking and no pets and limited cars in the driveway, but you cannot dictate the rest of it unless you are living in the same space.

If you keep telling him he's an idiot for being with her, you will drive him toward her even more just so he can show you he's his own man.

You say you know you cannot run his life - but you are trying to do that by badmouthing her all the time and telling him that she's not welcome. You can't do both.

So either he's your tenant (and he pays rent and late fees and so on), or he's your son and you tell him he's out as of a certain date so you can rent to a tenant who can pay enough rent to cover your mortgage, fees, insurance, taxes and so on.

Some people have told you that you cannot dictate who lives in your condo. You most certainly can. The lease can refuse to allow him to any overnight "visitors" or limit it to one person, for a total of however many nights per month you choose. If he violates this, he could be subject not only to fines but eviction as well.

Speak with a landlord/tenant attorney to find out your rights and responsibilities in your state as they vary state-to-state.

This is what I would do: He needs to be given a little nudge to act more like an adult. Have a talk with him about how you cannot afford to pay for the other half of the condo and either he needs to find a roommate with both of them paying half the rent or he needs to look for somewhere else to live. Tell him you are not kicking him out...you are giving him the chance to be a responsible adult because at age 23 he is an adult and should not be carried along by his parents in life. The issue of his girlfriend is something entirely different. He is an adult and you can't control his relationships. (No matter how maddening.) You can say your opinion but this may drive him away from you. Tell him he deserves better. He deserves a partner in life who treats him with more respect, acts like an adult, takes responsibility for herself, has goals and works towards them, and is more kind and loving towards him. PS - It takes some people a long time to grow up and to make good choices. All you can do is try to have a good relationship with your adult son and hope that one day he sees the light and moves on from this girlfriend.

Yikes, I cannot even imagine the frustration you must be going through, due to his choice of a girlfriend. Sounds like he either has a co-dependency issue, or has incredibly low self-esteem, if he thinks she is the best he can do. I hope he is using protection, and that is something you need to talk to him about, to prevent any possibility of a pregnancy. I wonder if he is just feeling lonely. After his roommate moved out, did he seem to rely more on the girlfriend's company? Some people are deathly afraid of being alone and will cling to anyone who will allow it, just to not be alone...even if that person is completely wrong for them. To them, being alone is scary and akin to death because it is something they have never attempted. Even rich celebrities are guilty of this, jumping from man to man, because they are scared to be alone, and some actually are honest enough to admit they are afraid of living alone.

I guess you cannot force him into counseling to get to the bottom of why he wants a future with this woman, and why he feels he cannot do better. I would stop talking about her and giving him attention, which may be what he is seeking, as others said below. He may just enjoy drama and seeing how much this bothers you. Kids like to be rebellious and push their parents' buttons. There is no reason why he cannot find himself a new roommate though, or move into a place where someone is seeking a roommate. He could also move into a studio and pay his own rent.

Another thing you can do is tell him that you're losing money every month by renting the place to him at a discount and you're no longer going to be able to do that. Give him a month's notice. My landlords generally have given me a month's notice before lease renewal to let me know of a rent increase, and to discuss whether I'd be okay with that, or if I'd need to move out, so that seems to be standard protocol. Let him know you're going to have to start charging the fair market value. If he protests, tell him matter-of-factly that he now has a roommate (the girlfriend) and she can be responsible in assisting him by paying her half, like the roommate prior used to do. Remind him that if the rent payment is not met, they both will have to be evicted. That is how things work in the real world, landlords don't take pity on you and slash the rent in half...you just move somewhere you can afford! Maybe when he sees her poor choices have consequences that affect him as well, he will think twice, or when he sees he has to pay for EVERYTHING for her, it will sink in that she is just a leech. It might force him to act mature and find a roommate, like most kids his age do -- a lesson in growing up. Tell him that regardless of whether she lives there with him or not, you will be charging him the market value, so he can decide if this is something he can afford, or not. Make it about you and a loss of income, not about him and his choice of a girlfriend.

And by the way, I beg to differ about landlords not having the right to tell their tenants they cannot bring other people around. Sharon, a few posts below, is correct. I live in a condo and if a visitor stays with you longer than 3 consecutive days overnight, regardless of who the person is (a parent, sibling, a booty call), they are required to be added on to the lease as a joint lessee/co-lessee, and go through the same background and credit checks that tenants and owners go through for approval by the management and the board. My unit's prior tenant actually was evicted for bringing different men to her condo, accused of running a brothel, and putting the safety of the other residents at risk because one time, she brought in a homeless man to stay with her and he was either drunk or mentally unstable. As a renter, you certainly ARE at the mercy of a property manager, landlord, and the board of directors, and your needs do not trump the needs and safety of others. They can terminate your lease if need be. That woman was punctual with rent payments and had lived there for over 3 years, was a professional woman, and yes, she was evicted. I have lived in 4 different condo buildings in my lifetime so far, and the rules on overnight visitors were pretty standard.

I am a bit on the fence with this one. You say condo lease so I am assuming that you own a condo that you are not living in yourself. If this is the case, he is kind of on his own. If you do not factor in the girlfriend at all, would you continue to lease to him? How is he at taking care of his needs without you thinking about her? Does he let her stay there all the time even though you have said she is not allowed to? It just seems wrong to punish him because of her.

I think if I was in the situation, I would lay down the rules about her staying, that he has to save money, pay the full rent etc and see where it goes from there. If she is not paying share of rent, not on the lease, she should not be staying in the condo. I would sit with him and make a budget. My brother in law was once shocked at how much he would have saved up if he had paid attention to how much he was "lending" to friends and spending.

By what you wrote, it boils down to your son's girlfriend. I think the more you or other relatives who dislike her who share their views with your son about her...that to me, would make your son rationalize being with her by focusing on the good qualities or potential qualities he see's in her. Having your son staying in the condo...might seem like a good way to have him still in your life and opportunity for you to provide him with positive guidance and direction. The only thing about this is....the girlfriend is still there, he hides this relationship from you. I think maybe a tactical move would be to not renew his lease agreement (like you said). He has a job and can afford a place on his own. So, that being said, a possible scenario can happen with the girlfriend. If no one in the family is no longer saying bad things about her (not saying anything about her good or bad about her at all), he won't dwell on all the good points about her that justify his relationship with her. I assume, she will stay with him all the time at his new apartment leaching off him. Leaches can only last for sometime, before they drain the person out. When he realizes that she is not contributing..he might notice other flaws about her. I know this may not happen over night for this realization.

If he needs money in the future, I wouldn't give it to him (if he is still with her)...it only. makes her stay in the picture because she knows he will always have money (or helping out with lowering rent - he pays half) from the bank of Mom and Dad. So if he can't pay for additional things than just rent...she sounds she is not the type to stick around through the rough times and will glady move on to freeload off of the next guy.

Updated

By what you wrote, it boils down to your son's girlfriend. I think the more you or other relatives who dislike her who share their views with your son about her...that to me, would make your son rationalize being with her by focusing on the good qualities or potential qualities he see's in her. Having your son staying in the condo...might seem like a good way to have him still in your life and opportunity for you to provide him with positive guidance and direction. The only thing about this is....the girlfriend is still there, he hides this relationship from you. I think maybe a tactical move would be to not renew his lease agreement (like you said). He has a job and can afford a place on his own. So, that being said, a possible scenario can happen with the girlfriend. If no one in the family is no longer saying bad things about her (not saying anything about her good or bad about her at all), he won't dwell on all the good points about her that justify his relationship with her. I assume, she will stay with him all the time at his new apartment leaching off him. Leaches can only last for sometime, before they drain the person out. When he realizes that she is not contributing..he might notice other flaws about her. I know this may not happen over night for this realization.

If he needs money in the future, I wouldn't give it to him (if he is still with her)...it only. makes her stay in the picture because she knows he will always have money (or helping out with lowering rent - he pays half) from the bank of Mom and Dad. So if he can't pay for additional things than just rent...she sounds she is not the type to stick around through the rough times and will glady move on to freeload off of the next guy.

You have to understand he's a renter. You can't tell him who can come or stay. No landlord has that right. Sorry you don't like her. I'm sure the more you tell him of your dislike the more he clings to her, that's the way it works.

If he's a good tenant and pays his rent he has a right to have anyone living with him that he wants.

I would consider that there are less expensive apartments in Canton Ohio than $575 per month. I searched and found 25 complexes that have rent from $400-$500 per month.

If he's able to pay you $575 per month then he can absolutely find even a 2 bedroom apartment for rent and do what he wants in his own place.

Since he can afford to live elsewhere from your condo you have to decide if you want to rent to him or if you want to have him move out so you can put renters in that you don't know and that could possibly trash the place.

It sounds like any other box might be a step up from the one he is sleeping with now.

But, he is a grown man and you cannot control his dating life. He could move in with her now!

Do not worry - he can look for roommates elsewhere - sites like Craigslist have many listings for people looking to share living arrangements.

No. You were fine when he and his roommate (the one with a job!) were paying the market value of the place. The fact of the matter is that if he doesn't have the ability to pay the rent in full each month, he needs to find a different situation.

I wouldn't make this about the yicky girlfriend. The issue is actually your and your husband's relationship with your son; are you facilitating his making progress as an adult or still treating him like a dependent? I think the girlfriend thing is just a wrinkle. Either you are okay with him staying there as a renter (and if he were any other renter, you don't have the right to tell him who to date) or not. You could also tell him that he could move into your home for a short time so he can save up. Have a predetermined, agreed-upon date of departure if that's the route you want to go.

Honestly, I'd stay out of his issues with his girlfriend. Using the condo as leverage for him to dump her-- that's controlling and likely to backfire. He has to come to his own conclusions that she's bad news on his own. Trying to control their relationship through the condo, though--- not cool.