How Do I Get My 19 Yr Old Son & His Girlfriend to "Get It"?

They are very young. What you all are going through is very stressful.

I think you need to decide an actual plan.

I would first of all charge them rent.
Put the money aside for them. Do NOT tell them.

Maybe say that with taxes you all are not making as much money as before so this is why you need them to pitch in.

Consider telling them, IF you two go to Mexico, you will need to make plans to move out within 3 months. Because it is obvious, they are not serious about saving and moving out at this point. Otherwise they would have put that money in savings. "

Let them know you love them, you are not angry, but you think they will be a lot happier in their own home..

First off, do they have passports to go to Mexico?

Start charging them rent. Half of what a decent, on their own place would cost. Ex. arround here, a decent rental is around $1400 a month. So charge them $700 - 1000 a month.

Give them a deadline to move out. Also, start charging them rent but to help them out, save the money and give it to them when it's time for them to move. They are not motivated because it's to easy to stay put where they are now.

"Well son, if you can afford a trip to Mexico, then perhaps you need to start paying rent..."

Charge rent - put half of it to the extra expense he's causing, half as saving for when they do move. Start small but warn him that it will go up every three months. The adding pressure will encourage them to take responsibility while compounding their savings.

Don't tell them about the savings, make it a surprise when they go, that way they will make an extra effort and won't rely on you.

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I am going to be blunt. You are coddling them. They made adult decisions. They need to own up to the ramifications of those decisions.

Start making them pay rent - put the money in a savings account for them but don't tell them you are doing it.

If they feel their tax return is best used for a vacation - tell them that when they get back from Mexico - they obviously can do it on their own - so they will be moving out.

The only way they are going to "get it" is to experience life as an adult. They will either sink or swim. Tell them to move out. Really. Stop banging your head against the wall and tell them enough. They are adults. They will be treated like adults.

this is called tough love. They made their bed. now they need to lay in it. Stop treating them like children. Tell them to move out. Yes, they will be mad. OH WELL!! Tell them - I love you and my grandchild. However, you made an adult decision now it's time to start living like an adult.

They're not behaving like adults because they're not living like adults. Your words fall on deaf ears because, well, these wannabe adults can afford to "not get it." They can afford trips to Mexico because they're being accommodated.

I would stop accommodating them. Start asking for rent and stop paying for insurance. Don't pay for any of their luxury items or anything else. Sometimes the bigger kindness is letting them learn their lessons the hard way.

Start charging them rent. Seriously. They are NEVER going to get the idea if you continue to enable their lifestyle. Booked a trip to Mexico? Absolutely not. Who is taking the baby? My guess is you. Will they be paying for your service?

My BIL lived with us rent-free for a year to get his feet under him. He took out student loans to "maintain his lifestyle" (his words) and during that year bought a car, shopped for clothing, traveled and ate out 3 or 4 times per week. We did none of the above because we had bills to pay and a baby to feed. Could we have done so? Sure. We have the money. Did it seem wise? Absolutely not.

Our solution was to start charging him rent. Nothing outrageous, but it "cost" us money to have him living with us (electric, gas heat in the basement, food, water, etc) which we absorbed for a full year until he finished nursing school. One month after he finished school, we started charging him $200 per month to continue living in our home.

Our intention was to return the $$ to him when he got his own place, which we did. It was NOT about making money off of him, it was about making him responsible for his actions and his spending. As long as he had a free place to live, why curb his spending? Once he started writing us rent checks... well, within a few months he decided to get an apartment and start living like an adult (at 36).

Start charging them rent.
Stop paying the full car insurance.
Stop paying for costs associated with the baby.
They make dinner (including the grocery shopping) twice a week because it's not your job to parent them. They are members of the household.
Don't do their laundry and don't clean "their spaces" in the house.

They are no longer children. They are parents who have responsibilities and responsible parents don't take a trip to Mexico when they can't afford a roof over their heads. As long as you are making their ends meet, they won't see a need to find a way to do so themselves.

This was just on Dr. Phil. If you can get a hold of the episode, it will be worth it.

You need to have them cancel their trip to Mexico- whatever the consequences. You also need to have them start paying you rent in which you put the money aside in a savings account. You can choose to take some of the money to cover some of your expenses or you can be nice and put it all towards getting them out of your house. I would also sit down with them and talk about how much they need to set aside in order to get out and then give them that much time to get out. Enabling them to continue living without consequence will only ensure that they continue living with you and having life paid for...by YOU. I understand that there is a baby involved and that does make things more difficult. There are government services for this and if they have a chance to get things going, they have to grow up and not have Mom save the day, every day. At 19, I was in college and living on my own. Once I left the house, I never asked my parents for another penny. Things are a bit different now but these kids sound like they aren't even trying. When is the last time *you* booked a trip to Mexico? How many trips to Mexico could you have taken had you not been paying the extra food, car payments and any other expenses over the last year or two? Tough Love. I know it's hard but it's got to happen. You will end up with a 30 year old who can't do anything but survive with your help in no time if you aren't careful. Good luck!

I don't think any kind of discussion is going to work. They won't "get" it until they have to pay their own way in life. Rent, car insurance, child care, everything. That's really when you grow up. What if you told them in a kind way that you realize your generosity is hindering them make tough choices and become self-sufficient. Therefore, they will need to find a new place to live by (whatever date), and take over 100% of their own transportation costs by (whatever date). Then hold firm. Tough love. I'd not even bring up Mexico, give them a chance to come to their own conclusions. Whether or not you want to offer to care for your grandchild free of charge is up to you. That's a VERY generous gift to give any young couple. Do you have an actual agreement when you care for their child, or do they just leave him or her with you whenever it suits their needs? Did they ask you if you will care for their child while they are in Mexico? Or are they taking the baby? Make sure you have set agreed upon times if you are babysitting for them. Outside of those times, be "busy" but suggest a few other babysitting resources. If they need care during a time you are "not available" they will "get" how much it costs.

It's time to charge rent. You have made life a little too easy for them. They aren't going to get it until you make them put their big boy and girl pants on.
This is your house and you could easily write a rental contract that includes rules and charges. If you don't push them into taking care of themselves they could be in your care for a long time yet. Bad for you and bad for them and bad for your grandchild.

I would tell them that you love them and want the best for them but that it is expensive keeping a home and that you will need to be charging them rent. Tell them you are working on a contract for them to sign, but not to worry about it. Ask them to set a time they can sit down, you will explain it to them then, and they can sign the contract if they agree. If they don't agree tell them that is no problem but they will have to move out by say..... April 15th.
AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

Don't tell them, but if you can afford it put the money away for them and when they move it hand it back over to them to help them, but don't give in or give it up too soon. If you keep treating them like children they will continue to act like children. I mean if my Mom offered me free living I just might take her up on it. How about you?

Sit down with them. They are in your home, right? So lay out the budget and a plan to get them on their own feet. Make them have a timeframe for getting out. You need to say "these are YOUR bills" - the car insurance and anything else you bail them out for. Start charging rent, even if it's $200 a month. Start giving them part of the utility bill, etc. If they can go to Mexico, they can contribute. If they don't contribute, then they can move out. I understand that you may be loathe to kick them out with a baby, but I find that most of the time if you lay it out, people figure it out. BUT people will also take what they can. So stop giving.

They want the adult fun of playing house and going on vacation, but they aren't bearing the responsibility for their lives. So feel NO guilt for cutting off the gravy train.

ETA: Personally? I'd keep the rent and put it toward YOUR expenses. You've been hosting them for a while now, on your own dime. Rent should be covering their costs to live in your home. We charge my SS $400 for his room when he's here b/c we use more water and electricity when he is in the home. My DH recently discussed with SS that while we can keep him on our health insurance for a while all the copays were SS's to figure out. It's not life or death to have hay fever. He pays his own car insurance (so does SD, for that matter, and she's still in college) and the care and maintenance of that car. If you keep the money for them, then they learn nothing about saving on their own. It's more coddling, managing, cajoling. You can hand it all to them at the end and in 5 minutes they will be back to square 1. So take what they should give you for rent and encourage THEM to save on their own.

My aunt was married by 19 with a baby on her hip and managed to do the whole move out/keep house/hold a job thing so your son and his GF can, too.

YOu are allowing them to never save. You are enabling their lifestyle. Either start charging rent (comparable to other places) so the can figure out how to budget, or give them a timeline and stick to it!! They will have to save, in order to have enough before their time is up.

Why would they have any motivation? You are paying their way in life!! Don't be manipulating into enabling frivolousness and loafing off of you, because a grandchild is involved. You WANT them to be adults, for the sake of the child. Time for some tough love. They aren't kids, they need to step up.

I would want better boundaries with them . . . i.e., I would stop enabling them.

If they had to figure out where the roof over their child's head was coming from next month - they wouldn't be putting that tax return towards a trip to Mexico.

Until you stop enabling you are part of the problem.

I realize a grand-kid is involved - that being said, it's better to nip this in the bud now than 10 years from now (when they blow up at you and forbid the kid from seeing you because you're so "mean" after you finally drew a line in the sand).

JMO

Charge them rent, utilities, etc. and stop paying for insurance. This is the real world and if they are going to live in it they need to feel it. I lived on my grandmother's pull out couch and paid her $100/month when I was their age.

If you want, you can save the money you charge them and give it to them as a nest-egg when they move out.

Write up a bill for what they owe and give it them. See if there are resources they could take advantage of if you were to kick them out - just in case.

T., I was going to suggest charging them rent and saving it for them (but not telling them you are saving it for them as a gift), and it looks like others have already made that suggestion. Listen, I get it- you think you are doing something really nice by letting them live with you rent-free and paying their car insurance. You are probably thinking, "But I CAN'T kick them out or charge them rent, he only makes $11.00 an hour..." But ya know, there are a lot of moms on this site that worked full time, went to school and took care of multiple children, at the same time. It can be done. Your boy might need to start looking for a higher paying job as well. But there is no motivation do do any of this if they are comfortable where they are at and in no rush to change things.
My brother and his wife are about 30 with 3 children. His wife's parents have big hearts and have allowed their family to live with them any time they need to. What this has created, however, is a family that instead of being self-sufficient, can run back and live with Mom-and-Dad anytime things get rough- and they have done this 6 times in the last 10 years. My SIL does not like working and will quit any job she gets within 6 months. Then she gets sick of staying at home with the kids, and having no money, and the cycle starts over. When they live with the parents, it is constant complaining about how badly they want to move out, but then they spend the money they saved on rent on vacations and cruises and luxury items. When they move out, they get the fanciest, most expensive place in the city and then have to break their lease because they cannot afford it. They know that no matter what, the worst thing that will happen is they will file bankruptcy again, the church will pay for their food and they can go back to Mom's rent-free. I have no doubt if they were cut-off from this option, that their choices would change drastically.
Anyway, that is just my opinion. Good luck.

**edited to add:
T., I have been thinking about this more over the last hour. When are we motivated to change? Really, only when things get "uncomfortable". When do we start eating healthy and working out?- When our clothing becomes uncomfortable, or it is uncomfortable to look in the mirror. When do we start looking for a better paying job? When we are uncomfortable with the calls from bill collectors or from "doing without". Their situation is comfortable and there is no incentive to change.

Why would they "get it" if they are not responsible for any of the consequences of their decisions? Since when are parents responsible for their grown children's choices? While I applaud the fact that you son and his girlfriend made the right choice in having the baby, they don't have to feel any of the consequences. 2 generations ago when people got married at 18 or 19 as routine and began having babies soon after they didn't live with their parents - or if they did they socked the money away so they could get out on their own and be responsible for themselves. The fact that they are using their tax return for a vacation instead of college / trade school tuition or a deposit on an apartment speaks volumes...
While charging them rent and saving it is a way for them to build up savings its stil another way for you to do the hard work for them... I suggest that you do a few things 1) Tell them if they can afford Mexico they can afford an apartment and give them a move-out date and stick to it. (I know you'll worry about baby, but baby will have no memory of living in a dump...) 2) If they want to continue living in your home there will be a random audit of themr savings account statement to ensure that they're saving money. I know parents don't feel it's fair to have access to their grown child's private business - but if you're supporting them and taking all the responsibilities then they have no privileges - privacy is forfeited. 3) Encourage your son to go to college or trade school. $11 per hour is never going to get them to a secure place in life. He either needs formal training & apprentice position (electrical , plumbing, etc) or he needs to go to school. Training is what I'd sacrifice to help with - to help & his family's future.

Good luck mama - it sound slike he's learned about finance from our president...

First start charging them rent and making them pay their car insurance. If you want to pay it yourself then save the money for them. Thing is at this point they haven't been hit with even a small amount of reality and until they do nothing you say will change that.

Now I am kind of mean to my kids so I would also say use the tax money to find a new place or give a reasonable amount to me for savings. I would go with equal to what back rent and insurance would be if you had been charging it from the get go.

They need to grow up and generally the only way to do that is kick them out but maybe this will work.

Since they are using your electricity, your home, your water, (all of which you pay for), and since you pay for the car insurance, that entitles you to a certain amount of "power", if you will, over how their money is spent. Talking about priorities with such young impetuous kids probably won't have any effect.

Instead, sit down with a notebook. (You'll need to do a little planning ahead of time). Show them what it costs each month for water, gas, electric, home or renter's insurance, car insurance, food, etc. It's possible that they really haven't seen on paper, in black and white, what basic necessities cost.

Then put down what their income is, and list what they contribute to (diapers or whatever).

Basically make a simple budget: what's coming in and what's being spent.

And tell them plain and simple that if they can afford a vacation (are they bringing the baby or are you babysitting?) then they can also afford car insurance and rent!

If they don't cooperate, cut out everything except maybe a roof over their heads. He can ride a bike. They can buy their own food. If they won't reveal how much they're putting away each month (or how little), then pull the plug. Put your tv and internet on lock-down with a password or code.

My son is a bit older, and although there's no child involved, we still help him out sometimes. BUT - we have access to his bank account, and can see online what he took out and what he purchased. So if he says "mom I need money for gas", I can look and say "hmmm, looks like you had plenty last night when you bought dinner with your ATM card. Should have thought of the gas situation." Or I can look and say "yes, you haven't taken cash out and I see you only bought a few dollars worth of groceries at the dollar store. Good job". He knows if he asks for money, he has to account for everything first with us.

If you are being asked to help, then you get certain privileges, like seeing how the money is spent. You tell them if they want privacy and complete control over how they spend their money, then they can get their own apartment and pay for everything themselves. It's one or the other.

I'd recommend charging them rent. I would make it known that this is to help them to prepare for what it will be like when they move out. Put it all into a secret account for them. When they get the concept of budgeting and saving and can move out, you can give them their rent back as a surprise parting gift to help them in their new place.

My 15yo son is already saving money for car insurance and gas that he will have to pay for when he starts driving. There is no way I would be paying car insurance, and yes, I think the suggestion to have them pay rent is an excellent idea along with showing them what a real budget looks like. Of course they are going to Mexico. They can.

It's time for them to change their priorities, but they won't until they are forced to. Good luck. You are a very kind mom/grandma, but it's time for some tough love so that son and girlfriend will learn to be adults.

Can my son and I move in with you?

Seriously, I am late to this question - so you may never see this -
but you created this situation. They need to be paying rent and you need to stop paying their bills. They will never learn fiscal responsibility because they do not have to. Give them their bills to pay, if he doesn't, then "poof" he will not have care insurance. Give them a lease to sign that outlines monthly rent, etc., and let them know that if they don't pay it, you have the legal right to evict them. Give them a deadline to be out on their own.

19 with a baby - it is time for you to let them grow up. It is time for them to grow up.

I had my pregnant daughter and her boyfriend live with me. They were both in school. I didn't have them pay rent but I also didn't pay for anything else. My daughter really wanted her own place and once they were out of school I helped her (her boyfriend left) find a place we could afford. I helped her set her up with household items and continued to give emotional support.

Her boyfriend came back and I encourage them to get state assistance and become as independent as possible. They found a subsidized low rent apartment but to be accepted they had to have a guarenteed income of at least $600. I provided that for them and told them that this was only temporary.

When her boyfriend didn't have a job after 6 months and they weren't getting along I told them that I would only continue to pay the rent if he was no longer living there. He moved back home in another state. I continued helping my daughter by paying the $600 rent until she had a job and was able to pay it herself. I continued paying because she was looking for work, found work, and was focused on becoming self-sufficient.

I took care of the baby. Because my daughter was on state aide the state paid me for doing so. I accepted this as a way for my daughter to learn how to be self-sufficient.

My daughter did resent my involvment. She was 19 and 20 and didn't understand that since I was providing financial support that I had the need to know about her finances. We did have a rough time.

And she worked hard and became mostly self sufficient. Getting me out of her business was a good motivator. She did get help by being involved with counseling.

Based on this experience I suggest that you need to get your son and girlfriend involved with you in making plans for how to get them out on their own. You have the right to say they cannot go to Mexico because they do owe you money. So far the owing has been not been verbalized. Time to put it in writing. Charge them rent even if they can't pay it. Let them see what it costs to live. Get involved in knowing where their money goes. Help them learn to budget. Have sit down discussions during which you put costs on paper.

They will not learn the way to independence on their own. They have it easy with you not charging them for the basics. They plan a trip to Mexico. This tells me that they do not feel obligated to manage their money. They are floating along. It's past time for you to kindly clue them in to what life costs and how they can manage money to be on their own.

A part of that is to have house rules. They must have responsibilities for the running of a household. Do they cook meals, do dishes, cleaning, etc? If not get started with a chore list. Tell them this is what is needed to manage a home. Make a list. Ask them what they'd like to do. Write down agreements.

Do they ask you to watch the baby but take care of the baby when they're home? Or do they assume you'll watch the baby and go ahead and do what they want to do? Are you watching the baby while they're in Mexico?
If so, tell them you won't watch the baby. Expecting you to do so is presumptious.

Set up their stay with you in such a manner that they feel the responsibility of having a family. When you manage for them, which I suggest you are doing, they have little idea of what being parents and being self-sufficient means. Become a teacher instead of a caretaker.

There is no way you are going to convince 2-19 year olds that they don't know what they are talking about.

If I were you, I would start charging them rent, say $200 per month and put that money away for them. Of course, don't tell them that you're doing that. Once gf is out of school, and they are ready to move, give them the money. There should be enough saved to get them started.

When my husband and I moved back in with my parents we signed a contract with them that we would pay them $800 a month. My dad saved $600 of that for us when we were ready to move. The other $200 was for the rise in electricity/water. We bought our own food, were in charge of cleaning up after ourselves, ect.
I was working, he was working, and we moved out within 9 weeks. We just needed a hand for a minute. It was really rough. But, maybe it's because we were a bit older (around 30) and we did NOT want to live with my parents although we were so appreciative!
I think you need to sit down with them, tell them they need to start paying rent (I don't know what the normal price is where you live) and let them know that you are forcefully saving for them since they are not doing it themselves.
I don't know if you want them to move out, it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like you want them to mature a bit, save the money, and understand what it's like to be on their own so that it's not such a surprise for them when they do finally move.
I think that's a great lesson to teach.
L.

YOU are allowing them not to "get it".

Sounds like you have a big,compassionate and nurturing M. heart. But...they are not married and they have a baby and are adults living under your roof rent free and have other financial perks you provide. They went into this all backwards...it is gonna be tough. But that is the choice they made.

Often times a person doesn't "get it" til M. bird pushes the babies out of the nest and they are forced to fly on their own.

You are banging your head against a brick wall...you are caring more than them. THAT is the problem....you can't put more time and energy into it then they do. They are the ones that have to care, and "get it" and make it on their own...you can't do it for them.

I would give some options to live in my house.

Option A- I would sit down with them to talk about a plan for them to move out....before the Mexico trip. They are to immediately start paying YOU rent (at lower than market value), they help pay part of the car insurance, and they are to participate in household upkeep/cooking. Then without them knowing you put the money in an account for them. After some months go by then you sit down and talk about how things are going and what their plans are for THEIR family. Then you tell them you put the money in an acct but it has only your name on it. They cannot get to the money. Then you tell them they have a specified time to move out on their own and you will help get them in an apartment.

Option B- Give them 2 month's notice that they are to be out of your home. They are adults and need to act like adults instead of forever moochers off of mom's generous heart.

Option C- Keep banging your head against the wall as they are sipping margaritas in Mexico...and come back tan and well rested and continue your same cycle of enabling them.

Why are they suddenly going to listen to your sound financial advice after making bad moral and financial decisions when you continually reward them?

Listening to you nagging is worth all these perks! Sure, they can talk all they want about WANTING to be on their own. Sure they WANT a nice apartment...but it is scary to have to tackle life financially on their own...so they stay.

Time to start nudging them out of the nest mom!

Good luck and best wishes!

This is something they are going to have to learn the hard way. My SS and his girlfriend live with us until they (my SS) finishes college. They spend their money on the dumbest things but they know within 30 days of him graduating they will be out on their own.

I would set a time frame for them to move out by so they don't continue to get comfortable staying with you.

Good luck.

I should add that my SS and his girlfriend work and pay part of the utilities. They also buy their own food, car insurance and any extras they need.

OMG wow that would INFURIATE me. When I was a single mother and living with my parents I paid rent ($200 a month - well below market value, more symbolic than anything else) and had a good job and really was saving, paying down my credit cards and car loan etc. so that I was able to move out in 3 years and stand on my two feet. I never wanted my parents to feel like I was taking advantage of their help. I cannot imagine even thinking about an extravagant trip like that while living rent-free off of someone else. Talk about having no shame!

Anyway...you need to charge rent. It doesn't have to be market rate, but make it the amount that you think they should be saving each month and let the rent be a forced savings plan. You might not get them to change their habits, but you'll be able to approach them at some point and say "here is $X, it's enough for you to get started on your new apartment, you have 60 days to find a place." And then let them figure out how things work in the real world.

Well, my son is only 7, so take what I have to say with a grain of it's-always-easier-when-it's-not-your-kid salt.

I think the reason why they aren't getting it, is that you have done a wonderful job as a loving mother, of shielding them from reality. They are young, unmarried parents and you have set them up to have all the joys of that situation (lovely baby, cute family) AND all of the joys of the alternative (stable home, living off of your parents, going to school, no financial stress).

Without throwing them to the wolves, I think it may be wise to start helping them in the transition toward "getting it." It isn't going to click over-night. You'll need to ease them into it (that's really the more caring thing to do anyway so that they have TIME to adjust to their grown up lives).

I'd start by charging them a minimal rent. Have them sign a lease and everything if you want (actually that way they might be able to list you as a reference when they fill out their first rental application). Start with something low if you want, and work up to market value so they get a reasonable picture of how far their paychecks have to stretch each month. Sine the idea is for them to be saving money now, rather than spending it on rent (and you don't need the money to help run your household), you could set aside their rend money each moth into a savings account and then gift it to them later, or help them buy furniture, or pay for childcare, or make a down payment on something.

Next, I'd have him start paying his own car insurance. Leave him on your policy since that helps keep the rate low, but let him pay for it each month. And don't just roll that into the rent... give him the statement, let him write the check and get it in by the due date. He needs to learn this and it isn't fair to send him out in the world with his family having never practiced.

Good luck with this transition. There's never a dull moment with parenting, is there?

T.

i agree with the ladies. the ONLY way they are ever going to "get it" is if they are shown it.

as long as you're not showing them real life, they're not going to have a clue.

If you don't want to charge them rent, charge them rent and put it in a savings account for them. If/when they move out and need money you can say "here is your savings".

Totally agree with charging them for everything and then saving it for them. They will feel the pinch and will either be forced to move out and grow up or suck it up and pay to save.

You could charge them rent and then put the money aside for them when they move out.

Life is one of those games you learn by playing. No matter how many times someone explains it to you, you won't get it unless you do it.

I am in favor of charging them rent and food then giving it to them! Or sell your house and you guys move to a place with one bedroom in a wonderful warm weather spot! Nothing like being forced to finally grow up!

I would IMMEDIATELY start charging them rent, and stop paying for his car insurance. When they go up in arms about it, tell them that since they can afford a trip to Mexico, they can afford to pay for rent and insurance. Tell them now, so they have a chance to cancel their trip. Hopefully they bought cancellation insurance!

Charge them rent. Put that money away without them knowing it and consider that their savings for a way to get a place of their own.

Start charging them rent. It still wont be as much as rent/ electric/food/cable out in the real world. Save the rent money in a special account to return to them when you know they will use it wisely or to use to help them with a down payment and a few things for their new place. Forced savings.

You're enabling them. They're never going to learn this way. You want to see the baby, so you're letting them live with you.

Sorry mom, you have to stop this.

Tell them that they have to move out. And stick to it. Let them live in an awful place. They will learn to skimp and not squander their money.

The trip to Mexico is the last straw.

Dawn

They would be cancelling their trip, finding a place to move in the next two months and paying you back monies for the things you have provided like utilities.

Life is rough and they need a hefty dose of the real stuff otherwise they will "never get it". If they were strangers, would you let them do this to you in your own home? I don't think so. So start today treating them that way. They want to be adults then you treat them like adults. Be matter of fact about everything leave out the emotion and drama. (Think of it like going to the bank and talking with the banker clear and concise.)

As for babysitting that would end as well. They can find someone to watch the baby especially if they are going to Mexico. I would not be watching a baby that was "dumped" so that mom and dad could play and possibly make another one.

Time to think logically and not emotionally about what is going on in your home. Only you can change the dynamics of the situation. I hope that you figure this out for yourself and husband. Time to push the bird out the nest and let him fly or sink on his own.

Think about your retirement and what it is costing you in lost money. You have to look out for yourself first (put the oxygen mask on first in the plane) and then the children.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS If they cause drama then the must leave sooner. He is a man as he made a child and he has responsibilities to that child. You are just grandma and that is it and not the provider.

My son had a situation but he was an adult and ended his career in the Army to be around to be the father to his son and be in his child's life. It was hard but he did it and is still doing it. Grandson will be 16 this year so you can see how many years he has left to be parent about 6 (if he goes to college less if he goes to trade school). He now is ready for a family with his wife (different from son's mom) and maybe they will have a couple of kids in the next few years.

My husband's a physician and WE can't afford to take a trip to Mexico. There are kids to feed, student loans to repay, babysitters to pay, grandparents to help support, yada yada yada.

Seriously, if they can take a trip like that, they need to be 100% responsible for ALL of their expenses.

Sit down with them and tell them that they have shown you that they don't really need your financial help, since they have extra money to spend on trips. Give them 3 months to find their own place, and hold them to it.

start charging them rent
BUT don't tell them that you are really banking it to pay for a down payment on a place of their own. At 40 hours a week making $11 an hour that is $375 after taxes are taken out, for four weeks this is over $1200, charge him half of that to pay for his car insurance and rent. Do not pay for any baby stuff from now on. Make them live as if they ARE on their own, if you want you can say that the money includes rent, utilities, car insurance AND food and that is why it is so high. If you are supplying baby care then make it even more that you take.

You want them to get it, then you have to play hard ball. If they refuse to give you that much then you tell him from now on his checks are direct deposited into YOUR account and you will be giving him an allowance.

You could charge them "rent" every month and open a savings account to put it in for them.

Have them start paying rent. Then put that money in an account that if they ever do get out and your feeling generous you can give back or use it to buy them stuff for the house or if a car breaks down you have the money to pay for it and its their money paying. Hope that helps but definitely start collecting rent. I have a different view point about Mexico. They are working and studying hard and hopefully learning how hard children are and if they don't get some sort of reprieve they will burn out and never learn, and could go worse. Pray to God or whoever you pray if u do and pray for them and that hey continue to take and find the right path. Their timing will come.

charge them rent. (put it away in a savings fund and give to them in the future for a down payment or childs education)

Updated

charge them rent. (put it away in a savings fund and give to them in the future for a down payment or childs education)

I have the exact same thing with my 25 yr old son, my 29 yr old DIL to be , their 2 yr old and 8 month old. He works seasonal and she works part time and is going to school. They are great parents, but lousey at saving any money at all for their own place. (In 2 two years they have saved almost nothing) So I totally understand. I have decided that we are just a big familyandbeing upset about a situation that I invited is only going to cause ulcers so I am trying to always remember , this is not permanent. My grandchildren are the most precious gift and I love seeing them all the time, and if my husband and I can help them by providing a loving example of generosity , then their marriage will be better and less stressful , and long lasting unlike so many young couples. Banging your head against the wall will only give you a headache, too ! The first year was really rough, but everything is better , our roles moredefined, and I decided I am NEVER doing dishes again ! The day they do move out will come , and I will be sobbing and missing those babies. The same thing happened to my girlfriend and eventually her daughter and grandson moved out to their own home... it will happen . Just try to enjoy what IS now and know that you are not alone. While I think the trip was a poor choice, its done . After they get back , lay down some terms for the future and stick to them. I would never throw my family out though, not ever.

It definitely seems like you are enabling them. My suggestions, since you have 1 year before the girlfriend finishes school, do the following immediately
1) Tell this couple they will be expected to move out when she finishes school, so have a year to prepare for that financially.
2) Start scouting apartments. It sounds like the boyfriend is earning about $1500 after taxes, so an apartment rent of $500 is affordable for them. Perhaps you can help with an amount over that until the girlfriend finds a job. She will also need child care if she works, so a discussion of that over the next year would also be appropriate.
This couple, at 19, have some growing up to do, as do most young people of that age. I know that "kicking them out of the nest" is a cliche, but that is what I would suggest (with some support, as needed, to ensure the baby receives proper care & support).

Wow - guess I would come up with a rent bill and the car insurance bill for them. I don't go on trips to Mexico! Guess if you can afford that, you can afford to pay your car insurance and room & board.

If they have enough for a vacation, then they have enough for rent. Tell them it's time to start paying you a monthly rent. Then put that money in a savings account. Also, stop paying their car insurance. Give them a taste of the real world.

The problem is, they are both teenagers.

I would likely sit them down and let them know that Mexico (while they are living rent free) just ain't gonna fly. Let them know that they have X amount of time to save up and get their own place.

Have you and your husband had the 'this is what X costs, this is what Y costs' conversation? Have they even looked at rents in the local papers? I would do this, gently but firmly, and explain that if they have money to spend to go to Mexico then they have money to contribute to household expenses.

If not, then time for tough love. Stop paying his car insurance. Start telling them to go look at apartments and actually see how much what they want really costs. And if they don't do it, then give them the year and let them know that when that year mark comes, it's time for them to move, whether or not they've saved up for what they want. You may want to put this in writing, so that there are no " but I thought you said" remarks later on.

19 and they still aren't fully formed adults. They need to understand that they chose to have unprotected sex and a child way too early in their lives and that means stepping up and being mature about this. Mexico should be out of the question until they are paying their own way through life. Just my opinion. (Maybe they could get a nice hotel room for a night while you babysit, and I would offer that as a trade, but getting to go out of the country to some nice sunny place while you are supporting them...? uh, no!)

PS: at 18, I was working full-time and saving money to move out, but still paid my mother rent plus any of my own expenses. (I had my own phone line, so I paid for all of that.) They can go live in a studio apartment if they need to. There's no reason they can't if they don't want to comply. No law saying they must have their own space.

Oh,and ditto Marda! Thanks for sharing that!

Whether they put money away is none of your beeswax. Your home is another story, however. Dollars to donuts (pun intended) you are buying their food and providing on-demand babysitting as well as rent and insurance.

I suggest that you charge whatever room and board fee you think is appropriate given your son's current pay. Then give 'em a deadline for moving out. They may not afford the fanciest or largest place in town. Boo hoo. A lot of people don't when they are first starting out.

Good luck!

Start charging them a modest amount of rent, like $100/month, and save it, yourself, without telling them you're saving it for them. Tell them that their rent will go up by $50 every 4 months (or anything you choose from 1-6 months) until they are paying you what they would pay for the same accommodations elsewhere. Assuming that you're also providing them with food, that could easily be $800/month or more. Hopefully, within a year, they'll be ready to move out, with a better idea of what it takes to survive financially and with the money you saved for them to pay their first month's rent & other expenses. Continuing the way things are going is not good for you & not good for them. It's time for them to stop pretending to be adults & start actually behaving like adults.

Charge them rent and utilities. Obviously it doesn't have to be market rate. They will get a sense of how far (or not as the case might be) <$400 a week will go. And then put the money in a savings account and give them to them when it is time for them to move out.

Start charging them rent. They are taking advantage of the situation. I made $4.25 and my parents didn't pay for my car insurance! If you want to, take the money that you ask for for rent and put it into a savings account that you could give back to them at some point. It would be a nest egg that they aren't creating for themselves. But, if they show that they can be responsible, you could give it to them.

My brother and I lived at home till 19 or 20. We did not pay rent or for a car as long as we were in school, it served us well and gave us the ability to afford studying hard. My brother stayed at home longer than he was in school b/c it was more affordable (and more room) to pay my parents rent than get an apt. If we made stupid financial decisions, my parents talked to me about it. If I bought luxury items while they bought my groceries, they pointed it out and I learned. Sounds like you need to talk (not judge) to them and charge them some rent. My family came up with a plan that WORKED for us, I'm sure you can find a plan that works for all of you, it sounds like the current plan leaves you with more responsibilites than necessary and them with too few. Also can you add into your new agreement that since your daughter in law can't pay, she has to do chores that you don't want to do (ie weekly house cleaning, laundry) and assign a value to it.