Need Some Advice on My 2 Sons

Stand firm with them, they need to start supporting themselves and GROW UP. You do NOT need to support them anymore.

Tell them it's time they got their own place.They are using you to avoid growing up, they know it's so much easier letting you do whatever you will do.DR.PHIL, would say "What are you getting out of this setup?" What seems to be the problem? Would you let a stranger take advantage of you like that?NO...all the more reason for you to tell him or both of them 'IT'S TIME!' you aren't helping them you are spoiling them and you're spoiling them for the next woman down the line.

cut those apron strings mama!! go live, and stop feeling guilty! Give them a time line, you have this many weeks to find a place to live, and then I am changing the locks, then do it! They are big boys now, they will be fine, and they know if they are ever in real trouble you are there for them, so, get out the scissors, and start cutting!!

Oh Boy! I bet you get tons of answers to this one. Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? He would have a playday with this situation. But I can tell you what he would say and after working many years in Family Law court I'l tell you that you are NOT helping them You are enabeling them to never grow up or be responsible. You are hurting them much more than helping them. You need to set a date that you stick to for your son to move out. Also tell the other there will be NO more money etc. given to him....He's COMPLETELY on his own. Sure they'll both be mad but believe me they'll get over it no matter how long it takes. Pray for strength from the Lord and He will give it.
D...
(mother of two boys..46 & 48.)

You've received lots of good advice. I only have a few comments. It will be better if you and your husband sit down together AHEAD OF TIME and discuss what your boundaries are--write it all down so you don't forget in the emotion of the moment. If you feel the at-home son needs a couple months to get the deposit, etc., together, you and your husband decide what the guide lines are for continuing to live with you. ABSOLUTELY do not apologize for asking him to move out or to pay a portion of the rent, utilities and groceries if he opts to stay while he saves up money and has time to find a roommate (sounds like he will not have the money management skills developed to handle an apartment alone yet). Be very matter of fact, no need to sound harsh, angry, etc. If he gets defensive and starts to complain, yell--tell him you will leave the room till he is ready to discuss as an adult--and DO IT. Try very hard to avoid letting him/them draw you into an argument about this--it is non-negotiable. Also, add a charge for maid service--even if you are not doing his laundry or cleaning his room. You are grocery shopping, cleaning your living room, baths, mowing, all other upkeep which he benefits from. It can be small, but if you are doing laundry etc., either stop now or charge a larger fee. In other words, whatever he would be paying if on his own and someone else did all that for him.

As all the other moms have said, you are enabling him/them and depriving them of continuing their growth. Your sons are in the launching stage of their life span, and by letting them be supported financially by you, you are blocking their flow. The "little kid inside of them" still wants to taken care of by mommy and daddy, but they are no longer in that stage of their growth. And you can say that to them: "Sons, we have been remiss as your parents by continuiing to support you when it is no longer appropriate. For that we are sorry, and we are beginning NOW to make amends, starting with giving you notice that we will no longer support you inappropriately. Son #1 we will not be supporting you financilly, but we will, if you would like, be a consultant on money management for a while. Son #2, we will expect these X amounts for portions of the rent, utilities, telephone, maid service, home management for the next 3 months while you save up for your own apartment (including 1st and last month's rent as deposit), find a roommate, arrange for furniture, etc and get moved. We love you and we realize we are blocking your growth. Son #2, we will also be available as a money management consultant as we realize that by not requiring you to be an adult, we have allowed you to live in an UNREAL world and that is not fair to you. Actually, we will also check with you weekly about your progress since we have not allowed/expected you to develop longer-range planning skills." All of this (paraphrased in your own words, of course) must be said matter of factly, but firmly. No namby-pamby, no sarcasm, no whining, no yelling. Just the facts, mam.

I agree with one mom that you and your husband might benefit from a counselor/coach/church counselor during this process. What we are suggesting is EXTREMELY hard to do for soft-hearted, loving people. Good luck to you all and I wish for you, your husband and your sons a loving and equitable solution to their need to move into the appropriate phase of their lives.

Wow have I been through this, with 5 kids from 21-28 this has definetly come up. Our policy has always been that we help the ones that are helping themselves. My daughter lived in dorm and at home until she completed her 4 year degree. She stayed on the honor role the entire 4 years and never got into any trouble so we helped her with gas and books and clothes and neccessities and she was always grateful. However our three sons bounced around between jobs, military and living on thier own and with friends. Each one came home once and the rules for staying were if you are spending your time every day moving forward to stand on your own you can stay for a few months. If you are spending your money on beer, partying, tatoos and junk we are not on board and they can go elsewhere. When there is accountability the stay is very short. I tell them they will never go hungry but we won't enable them in continuing not standing on there on two feet. My youngest daughter is 21 she moved out at 18 got a good job and has never looked back the problem with her is she wants me to keep buying her stuff, clothes, make-up jewerly. I tell her the same thing about her money. Do what you have to do, then you can do what you want to do. I do buy her something every once in a while when I find something cute on sale, It is different if they are doing everything that is possible to take care of there business and don't expect you to rescue them. Once you are in the rescue businees it is hard to get out. It is not always easy and belive me them being mad at you is short lived. We are not in the business of making them happy it is our job to see that they become responsible adults just like we had to.

S.,
You are not wrong at all. Make it plain and clear to them. LOOK GUYS, you have jobs, you make good money. Its time to take care of you, or start paying in around here. Its now June 12th. You have until July 1st to find a place to live, or you will start paying rent here, helping with 1/3 of ALL bills and you'll start grocery shopping or kicking in 1/3 of that bill also. Let him know just what you mean by bills, Water, Trash, Electric, Gas, Phone, Cable, Internet. If he isnt in school full time and can work full time he needs to support himself full time.
They can both get Glad the same way they got mad. And they do.
I have a 22 year old son who is a United States Marine and well still pretty spoiled. But if Mom comes to him and says Bud, I need money to pay this bill or that bill No problem take it from my checking account. He doesnt live at home, he has his own house and bills. But he also remembers all that I have given him in the past 22 years and will give back when he can.

Remind your boys that the Military will always take them, if they dont think they can affordto live on their own! :)

Good Luck, but stand your ground. You know you love them and they do to, its just hard for lil boys to grow up!

Kick em out! I see this on Dr. Phil all the time, and he basically says to give them a deadline. "You have by June 30th to find a place of your own and have everything moved out". 90 days is a loooong time to ask to move out. Legally, 30 days is the appropriate amount of time.

So they don't think you aren't going to back down, give them plenty of reminders. Ask them if they have found a place yet. Then, a couple days before they are set to move, ask if they need help packing and bring in some boxes.

It IS possible to find good housing and organize a move in a 2 week-30 day time frame. If they procrastinate until the last day, many apartment complexes have units that are ready to move into in a day.

As for the one who has moved out, stick to your guns about him needing to be more responsible for his own decisions and actions.

:) Don't feel guilty, enabling them will only hurt them in the long run.

http://drphil.com/search/results/?S=moochers

STOP doing things for them. don't pick up after them , don't do their laundry, DON'T give them any money. Tell them you love them, but part of your job as a mother is to help your children to grow up, be responsible, and be able to be on their own. If they want to continue to live at home & you can't make yourself ask them to move, then ask them for their share of the utilities, phone etc. If everyone is pulling their own weight, it doesn't hurt for families to live together, but it sounds like you are still (doing) for them like when they were in grade school, and as long as you keep doing it they will keep letting you it sounds like.

My parents continued to support my sister in one way or another until she was 32. Last year she finally got a job where she can support herself financially. I truly believe that with each year that my parents supported her, she lost more confidence in herself. I've really seen her confidence soar in the past year. I would be careful of how long your boys depend on you because it will get tougher and tougher for them to be on their own. Good luck! And, you deserve some time with your hubbie!

good for you. tough love is the best kind...it make them into adults and one day they will thank you. you can support them emotionally but not financialy. hang in there....their wives will thank you too one day.

Here's how I see it. You raised them, they went off to college and sometimes kids need to come back home. It's hard to make it in this world today, you can't just push a kid out at 18 and expect them to be totally self sufficient. But, if your kids come back and have money, make as much as you do, don't help out around the house, just basically spunge off of you two just because they can, I'd say, it's time to change the locks. My parents are 56 and 61 now, they sent us both off to college when we were 18 and understood that they would have to help us, we couldn't just make it on our own like you could in the 50;s. THey also knew that after we graduated we might even have to come back home for a little while while we were looking for a job. That was fine too, as long as we were pulling our weight. You're doing the right thing! Of course you love them but they need to be self sufficient and you two need some time for yourselves after 27 years of kids.

first of all, they need to be on their own,especially with good paying jobs, and the one who is at home,and working should pay rent,1/2 of electricity, water,etc. If not, then put him out with his belongings. And if they are jealous of your grandson, the y need to grow up.and get out.

Hi S.,

I would imagine your sons love their Mom and Dad as you love them. Children become so accustom to parents providing for them that it becomes a habit. Sometimes we as parents have to implement “Tough Love” to our adult children as we did when we were teaching them right from wrong at a younger age. I understand this is harder to do then to say, I know I have been there.

I wish you well,

D.

You ARE NOT being mean by telling them to support themselves. You are are not doing them or their future wives any favors by "taking care" of them. These boys need to grow up, smell the coffee, and support themselves. Time to kick the baby birds from the nest.

S.,
You are in the right! Do it now for their own good. This way they will grow to be men who are independent and in the future you will help them out. Supporting them when they make as much as you is simply uncalled for. Enjoy being a grandma and enjoy your husband! I am one of 7 kids and the youngest (25 yrs old) is the only one who still lives at home because my parents never put their foot down. He has zero direction because he doesn't have to choose whether to spend money on rent or gas or groceries. He can go play frisbee golf and hang outwith his friends because he has all extra cash. My parents deserve to spend their retirement days focused on themselves. You too should take this time and not feel guilty.

I would have him start paying for things. Begin by treating him like a boarder in your house. Charge him room and board. This is for life skills. He will need to learn to pay rent and buy groceries. In fact, I would even have him buy his own groceries to some extent. Give him a shelf in the fridge and the pantry for his food. You don't need to be mean about it with him, but let him know that he is in training to be a self-sufficient adult and you're just helping him to get there faster. If you want to "help" him, you could, without his knowledge, put the rent in a savings account for him so when he is ready to move he now has all the deposit money he needs to get into a place of his own. This would be like a bonus for him being responsible.

You are not wrong. In fact, since they have jobs they should be out on their own. You see moma birds push their babies out it's time for you to do the same. When you approach the issue make it known that you MEAN business. Set up a time and date for the move. AFter that they will find their items at the curb. You are not responsible for them after age 18. If they are not in college, find a job.

Too many families are still allowing their older children to mooch off of them.

My son once told me that I owed him. I told him, "yes, I did owe you 18 years of my life to put clothes on your back, food in your stomach, a way to learn, a roof over your head and prepare to take of yourself. If you don't go to school, college or work, you will go into the military." End of subject. He worked and went into the military (another long story) and thanked me several years later for throwing him out and making him live on his own. He is now 34 almost 35 owns his own home and cleans and cooks. Don't have any regrets or guilt for putitng your foot down. Enjoy that grandson and your personal time with your husband.

PS If they insist on staying home, set an amount of money due from them for rent, food, utilties (make it the same as the going rate of an apartment rent $600 or $750 a month). No arguments about it. If they don't like that there is the door.

you are not being mean to your boys. it is time for them to grow up and move out. they need to understand that mommie and daddy arent going to pay their way for the rest of their life. my mother did it to me and i will do it to my son when he becomes 18. trust me you are soing the wright thing. dont put your self down and dont be sad because you are doing this it for the best intrest of your boys. it will be hard but they will finally figure out that they need to make it on their own.

I haven't read the other responses you've received yet, so I hope I'm not a broken record.

The fact that you see a need for change in this situation is a good start. I don't know what kind of upbringing your kids have, but it sounds like you've done quite a bit for them, and they've become accustomed to it. It would appear they are now taking advantage. It's time to grow up. I hate to be cliche and say you need to use some "tough love" but, that's basically the case. As far as the oldest, you need not cut him off completely, but keep doing what you're doing. If he gets mad because you refuse to continue to support him, well then he needs to get the picture that you raised him, he's now an adult and needs to act like one. Your children will only get away with what you let them. They need to begin acting responsibly and start to show you the respect that you absolutely deserve as their mother. The son living at home - it sounds as though it's time for him not to be. Unless he's contributing in some way (which you state he is not), it's time to give him the old heave-ho. He as well is showing you no respect by loafing off of you. However - he will do it if you let him. It's evident you love your children very much. So, love them enough to make them be their own persons and take care of themselves. What it really seems to boil down to is their lack of maturity and a little bit of enabling on your part. Be strong and stick to your ideals. You'll be doing a disservice to them if you continue to let them treat you as a lender they will never have to pay back. Keep showing them and telling them you love them. That's all you can do - the rest is up to them.

Hi, S. I couldn't resist writing to you as I have three sons which two are older and have left home long ago but the youngest left home in February for the second time. Sounds like you have done enough for them and they need to take responsiblity for themselves or they won't til you make them. You need to have a family meeting of those who live under your roof and put down some rules. Both of your sons are over eighteen and need to first start paying rent as living anywhere is not free. They should write a check after the meeting for their first month's rent if they don't like this then you must ask them to find another landlord. If you don't be strong they will continue to walk on you as they actually will feel better about themselves in the months to come. You won't feel so walked on and they need to show responsibility as they are adults and need to act like it also. To figure their rent they generally say 30% of their take home pay is reasonable for charging just don't be afraid to do this as it takes alot of willpower as I know I have been through it. I wish you the best of luck and stand strong! hugs, J.

S.,
I know it sounds harsh but its called "tough love" for a reason. I raised five, some want to get out on their own, my girls did, the boys sometimes just like having someone take care of them, (this should be a wife, not a mom) I found the same thing with my grandson, he moved in for awhile, I had to move him out, helped him find a place of his own, helped him with what he needed to get started(mostly from garage sales) he survived. So will your sons. I know parents still taking care of guys when they are in their late 30's. Not a happy family. They may get mad but they will get over it and its worth it to see them on their own. My prayers are with you, B.

S.,

You're right. Your sons are old enough to take care of themselves. You can give them a choice. Move out and get your own place or you and your husband agree on a set amount to charge them and tell them they have to pay it to continue to live with you. You might also give them a utility bill to pay (that will definitely make them turn off lights/water/etc). My motto was always if you stay in school then we'll support you until you graduate. If you do not want to go to school then you have to support yourself. It's your choice. If you continue to let them do that it makes you the "enabler" and him a lazy man with money for some unfortunate woman. They will be mad at first, but let me tell you they will come back witn an apology. Whatever you do, you have to stick to it and let them know that you are serious. Whatever you do cut off the financial support to the son that has moved out. He should be giving you a little something every now and then, just because.

My nephew was the same way until my sister made him start paying her. He was aghast that Mom would charge him to stay at home. He didn't want to go back to college, but he worked making good money. He went thru several jobs. He finally moved out with 2 friends and saw first hand what he was doing to Mom. One of the room mates never had his share and always sponged off of the other 2, leaving them with all the bills, house note, etc. They finally wised up after realizing he was taking them for granted. He moved by himself, goes by to visit his Mom regularly and had her open a savings account with his Mom on it(in the event something happens to him). He has stabilized and has been on the same job for the last 3 years. He is now 26. My prayers are with you.

No you are not wrong S. the best thing for you to do is cut them lose. They will make it they just need a push and I know it's scary to them and you but they will be fine. My parents are doing the same thing with my Brother he is 21 and still tring to live with them. I moved out at 18 and did fine, Boys seem to be harder hahahhaha! But just tell them NO!!! And stick to your guts. Good luck and it's time for you and your husband now. Hugs - M.

True to the government's formula, when I wasn't taking at least 15 hours at college with a 3.0 or better, my grandparents charged me 30% of my income for room and board - and I had to cover any additional expenses (car, insurance, cell phone, private line, internet). In high school, it was a 3.75.

I moved out 2 months after I graduated. I've never had to hold my hand out to anyone - including my family... although I didn't have a cell phone for a while, and didn't have cable until I got married.

So since it's too late to start billing them in high school - I'd start by Just saying NO to the handouts to the oldest and billing the other.

S.

Three years ago I gave my 24 year old daughter a 30 day move out notice in writing.
She figured out quickly I was serious and joined the military, she is now working on her 4th promotion , taking classes via the internet and is now a self supporting productive adult.
I let her know I did this for her own good as I will not always be around and it was past time for her to grow up and that I did not have her in order to take care of her and to live with me the rest of my life.
It's hard to let go but you and your husband have a right to enjoy your freedom of having grown adult children that are capable of taking care of themselves and when they fall they will learn from their mistakes

Consistancy. Tell your sons that you love them and it is time for them to act like adults. Don't back down. Maybe the boys could get a place together and help each other out until they decide to both be adults on their own. If they are making as much as you, there is no reason for them to continue to rely on you. Don't help financially. There are alot of GOOD financial help advisors available. I like listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio. Help them be adults and don't let them move back in. Be consistant. It is a blessing to get to spend time with the grandson and that has nothing to do with your love for them.

Part of responsible parenting is sometimes kicking your offspring out of the nest to fly on their own when necessary. These "boys" are apparently grown and have jobs. If they make enough to support themselves and are not going to school, I think you OWE it to them to stop supporting them.

It sounds like those 'boys' need to get a big fat dose of reality. If they move out, they pay their own way. That is the way of the world! I would give the son who dropped out of school a deadline. He needs to start paying rent immediately and I would give him 3 months to save enough money to move out. Then stick to your guns! Enabling your kids to depend on you and to expect handouts is not helping them. Just remember that!

You ARE NOT wrong! They are taking advantage of you! Mom and dad are the gravey train. Why should they move out if mom and dad are going to continue to support them? Give your youngest the ultimatium..rent money or move out. My parents did this to me during the summer college breaks and I thought they were the worst parents in the world, but now I see why they did it. It taught me responsibility.

Once a child goes away to college and lives the way they want to live, coming back home is always difficult. Late hours, friends over, etc. Both of your sons will get over being mad at you. Bottom line is they just aren't ready to move on and be responsibile for themselves. They want a free place to live, their own spending money and no responsibility. Who doesn't? They are now legal adults and therefore you are no longer responsible for them! Kicking them out has nothing to do with your love for them. You are doing the right thing by making them move.

My dad is a man full of weird and wise sayings. His favorite saying for this situation is this:

"Either they learn to fly, or the cat gets 'em"

Your sons sound like reasonable, intelligent boys. But they do need to learn how to be self sufficient. You may need to set some specific rules about them paying for their own rent and food. Let them know that life is not a free ride. It's fine to help them "get their wings" but they do need to learn to "fly" on their own.

You have done a great job if they went to some College and have great jobs. It is time for you and to let go. They need to do it on their own. My children both did not like our rules and moved out each when they were 17 and one survived and the other is into drugs. I learned a long time ago that we enable them when we pay. We give and give and it makes us feel good but it is not how they learn and grow. Tough times I have had all my life raising children alone and alone again raising a granddaughter. They need to learn what life is and the struggles make us strong. In those struggles we learn to discipline our finances, patience and how to pray in those hard times. We all need hard times to appreciate and be grateful. It is not a soft cushion and comfort that make us stretch and grow and learn. It is sacrificing for our children and spouses, it is hard work that rewards us time to enjoy our times of fun. But we can not rely on parents. I almost lost me mom a few months ago and even at my age 60 I realize I have to do it alone. I have to depend on God and I have to be strong for others. Let them grow and experience what men are suppose to be and do. Good luck and God Bless G. W( You will always love them) Look at a child learning to walk. Do we keep catching them or let them fall so they learn over and over until they finally do it? Best to you

I have 2 children one with a disability 24 she is living in a group home . I took care of her until she was 19 . My son is 21 and is married and in the USAF.I am 44 also and a nurse . Please don't feel bad they will come back to you and probably thank you for sending them out.

Hi, S.. I have three children 21,17,15, and am 41. I am in agreement with you with your son that is 22 years old and moved out. When my oldest daughter moved out, we explained to her that she is on her own financially. She did not go to college and kind of wanted to do her own thing. Her own thing also met her own responsibility. She is doing great and of course we visit and make sure we look in the refridge. From time to time, we give her leftovers or take her out to eat. She doesn't ask for any money but we know she is struggling. But, don't we all? As far as your son who came home for college and does not want to go back - we initiated when my daughter moved back in with us, she was to pay rent. She was on her own for cell phones and car insurance. This is easy to do if your son still wants you to pay it - don't and cancel all the services that you can. When my daughter was ready to move out again, we then gave her back all her rent money she paid us - the look on her face was priceless. We always tell our children we have a plan. They might not know or see what we have in store for them, but we as parents know, just like our Heavenly Father knows what is best for all of us.

We probably would not ask our son to leave, but he would need to pay rent, work, and mow the lawn. If he did not want to do that, then he would need to go. (if he was 20 and didn't go back to college)

My son is 17 and will graduate next year from high school. he has two jobs and his home responsibility is to mow the grass and take care of his car. We pay the monthly payment and insurance. he takes care of gas and getting it inspected.
He just told us he felt like an adult and feels responsible.

Good luck, it's a tough choice. Hang in there!
M..

Can you just stop waiting on them? Is that feasable? If you withdraw some of the advantages to being at home, and stop stocking the fridge, including them in the doings that go on, maybe it'll start to dawn on them that they should be making their own way...stop having the tylenol, antacids, toilet paper, shampoo, etc, that they take for granted.
I have grown sons too. It's a bit different because one has add, he's the oldest, and the other is just really good, planning on the seminary soon. I had to do these things i'm telling you to do, because they have been here for 5 years too long... And work, or should, have their own money. They are my step sons, and i have a 16 year old who is mine, who should be benefitting from my money. Long story short, their mom and grandad do for them, but not for mine, and mine has no grandma/grandpa and his dad has passed. So it made me more apt to be stingy with things. I love those guys too, but they should provide for themselves more, they are capable....
Just saying i know where you're coming from, and don't think you are wrong.
Best of luck,
W.

I have two sons that are 20 and 22, also. My 22 year old goes to college in another state, and comes home in the summer. We support him completely, however, the three months he is home, he does much work around our house that my husband doesn't have time to do - this summer, so far, he has put a skirt around the guest house, and is putting new baseboards in my bathroom. He does almost all the cooking, because he enjoys it.
My other son, who is 20, has a full time job. He still lives here, but he bought and maintains his own car, and pays for anything like dentist bills himself. He buys some food off and on.

My personal opinion is that to boot them out at 20 is just a little early. However, it does seem like you fell down on the job of teaching them responsibility, and now you are paying for it. I'd say a serious talk: if you want to continue to live here at home at this age, it's a priviledge, therefore, here is what we will supply, and here is what you are responsible for from now on.
Then stick to your guns, reminding them once in a while that they are now legally grown and responsible for themselves.
Try to have some fun times, too. If you do not have the hearts of your sons, life will always be a battle.

I'll have to agree to gently pushing them out of the nest. However, I would make mama's house less "homey" so it seems like it is their idea to hit the road! No cable, no AC, no food, no laundry. When you leave for work during the day turn the air off. Don't buy food for everyone, just enough for you and husband or go out to eat (think of it as dating again!) No more laundry detergent available and make sure you take your showers first and turn off the hot water heater. No more money handouts...you are starting to save for your retirement. If all else fails put your house up for sale and start boxing their things up to have the house "show" ready. If it is uncomfortable at home they will want their own place soon and you won't have any hurt feelings by demanding they pay rent or kicking them out. Reverse psychology still at work even though they are old enough to know better!!!

You are right! You need to stick to your guns. Your sons will never learn to do it on their own unless they have to! What would happen if something happened to you tomorrow and you weren't there to pay for things and/or cook for them? Would they be able to make it? If it were me, I'd stop paying for things immediately - unless it was because I wanted to. Like maybe you want to go out to dinner and treat them to dinner one night, but you shouldn't pay because it is expected of you! As for the one living at home. Treat him like a tenant. He's welcome to stay provided he pays $X in room/board. The amount should be fair, but keep in mind the extra water, electricity, and food that another adult costs. If I cook dinner, he can eat, but I'm not making anything different. If he does something after dinner, he needs to clean up after himself. If he doesn't like the rules, he needs to find another place. If he doesn't comply, just do simple things to let him know you mean business. For instance, if you wash his clothes, stop. Explain that you don't have time to wash extra clothes because you have to clean up the kitchen twice a day because he leaves things out. If you pick up his room, stop. Use the same excuse. If he makes a mess in the kitchen, tell him the kitchen is closed and if you have to, put a lock on the pantry and/or refridgerator to make your point. Hopefully you can talk to your son and he will be reasonable, but if not, its time for tough love! You may like the love & logic books on raising kids.

Good luck!

My parents always told us we could live at home until we graduated high school, after that we could move out and be responsible adults or we could pay rent, utilities, and a maid. We all 5 chose to move out and grow up. Maybe it's time for your sons to pay up or get out, I would make their rent and utility bill as high as it would be to live on their own and also have them paying a maid to cook clean and do the laundry.

S.,
I had to move back in after I graduated as well. I was working 3 jobs, but it wouldn't pay for an apt and a new car. My old one died my senior year in college. It was agreed that I would pay $40 a week for food, laundry and other stuff. I really was never home because I was working at one of my three jobs. It was 18 months before I found a job that could support me.(1980's) I asked for 6 months more in the house so I could save some money and pay down my school loan. They agreed, but I continued to pay and since I was working only ONE job, I started helping around the house.

Tell them that you love them and your job as a parent is to make them self sufficient. Give them choices...the one living at home starts doing stuff around the house and paying for food whatever or he leaves....
The one who is in his own place, tell him it is time to cut the strings.

Don't enable them to live off of you. Change the locks and then go on vacation. Show them that they can do it on their own.

Be strong S....It sounds like you raised them well. Make them learn to fly....

If they stay- I'd make them pay rent and have preset chores (yard work or whatever). Don't cook for them or do their laundry or buy food for them unless they PAY you for these things and you are happy with the price and job. Right now Home is probably cheaper and easier than their own place- make it less comfy for them and more beneficial to you. I think it's a little odd that they are jealous of your grandchild- I could understand if they were teens, but they are old enough to have families of their own. Time to grow up boys! How attractive is that to the ladies in their lives? You are definitly making the right choicenot to coddle and baby people who no longer need it.

Cut off the electricity to your son's bedroom. Tell him if he wants it turned on, he needs to pay rent. Also, when he's in the shower, go to the kitchen and turn on the hot water faucet full force. It will depelete the hot water in the shower at that time. If he grumps, tell him he needs to pay rent. If you are doing his/their laundry, please stop now. There's a thing called laundramat or purchase detergents. Put a lock on the washer's electrical plug in. If the sons grump, they need to pay like they would at a laundramat or pay rent. But do not lift a finger cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, mailing their mail... nothing. I started the tough mean mom system with my step son six years ago. He's 18 now. He knows not to ask me for a dime or to do a thing for him. Because he's got two eyes, arms, hands, feet, legs, ten fingers, toes, and a thing called a brain but it is on function laze/lieing mode 99.9%. If I find anything of his in the common areas of the house, it's off to Goodwill. Since he was hogging the shower/utilizing the washer/dryer every day, he's now paying for the monthly water bill & purchasing the laundry detergent. He's about to start paying a percentage of the electric bill. Oh and did I mention that he avoids staying at the house most days because he thinks if he is not at home, he is not responsible for his designated chores! He works or is suppose to be working ... I need to verify that this morning. He's 18 years old should have graduated but because of his laziness, he's still in high school. Do I care... no because he brought this on himself. It is called survival skills for when you are out there in the real world. Be tough mom... your sons might not appreciate you now but maybe when they're 50... the thought process will change. Hang in there!

Children have to grow up sometime. Set your rules and stick to them. If you need to go to counseling to manage your guilt about not paying to support full grown adults, do that and take care of yourself. We do not "owe" our children lifelong financial support. Talk to a counselor, get some help in setting your boundaries and rules, and then talk to your children.

The 'rules' at my house were - once you're out on your own, you're on your own. An occassional help if you were in a bind would be considered, but to support you when you were living as an adult - well, that was out of the question. As far as living at home - those rules were there, too. If you were in school, then I would help as needed, however you still had to follow the rules of the house as they were when you were in high school. If you weren't in school and chose to continue living at home, you paid rent, a portion of the bills and contributed to the groceries. You would also be 'required' to let me know if you weren't coming home - I didn't have to know your every move, but I'm still your mom and felt I deserved the common courtesy of being able to sleep if you weren't home.
This worked very well for my daughter who chose to work and go to school. She did move out when she was 18, the summer after she graduated and she was pretty self sufficient. But, when she asked to move home, she still wanted to be treated like an adult, so she paid rent and helped out around the house.
My son is a completely different story for reasons that I will not go into here, but he does not live at home and I do not support him financially.
We had discussed these rules/guidelines as they were growing up, so they knew what was expected. I don't know exactly what to tell you on how to go about making this happen - but, I will pray for you.

Your son is just trying to manipulate you by saying he is "mad". I am sure it makes you sad that you have to put your foot down, but good for you for loving them enough to make them grow up. Is it possible your son could move in with your other son? If not let him know that your house has a 11:OO curfew with rent($700. is the going rate) and bills to pay and chores to do. If you make it to comfortable they will want to stay. You are not a hotel. They will thank you when they mature a little.

Hi S.,
Sounds like they were a little spoilt when they were at home.
They either need to pay rent and expenses or move out. I know when my step son would not help and wanted us to pay for a $500.00 deposit to get his electricity turned on to a trailer, I told him that the had a good job and since he had been there he had paid nothing. I thought it was about time he started helping with the house expenses and board.
He moved out the next day. My husband would have paid the deposit and we would have been out that, because he would not have paid it back. Fortunately, I pay all the bills and he had to go through me to pay the deposit.
SO yes, they need to go or help. And as far as your grandson is concerned. Tell them to get a life and a child of their own and you could spend time with that grandchild too. Jealousy is a very evil spirit.
Keep the peace of God in Your Heart.
Char

Time to cut them loose!

We have 4 boys and when they are 18, they must go to college. As long as they are in college we will support them. Once they are out or if they decide to not go to college, they are out. End of story.

Your boys seem to want their cake and eat it too. The one who has moved out is automatically on his own. The one who decided not to go back to school needs to be put on a plan. Since he already has a job w/ money saved up, you need to tell him to begin looking for an apartment (and you help him). Give him 90 days to move out.

They will be mad....and they will get over it. Grown men with jobs do not need to still be living at home having mom and dad taking care of them.

You are not wrong. You are right. You are making them be the men they should be.