Overwhelmed by Thought of an Unexpected Second

My best friend and her husband had resigned themselves to a life without children. They had been together for over 15 years and were very accustomed to their freedom. At 44, she found out she was almost 5 months pregnant. She had her first birthday yesterday and they are LOVING life. It was a shock, but one they wouldn't take back.

I suspect things will be that way for you also...

I haven't personally been through this, but I have friends who have. I can tell you that all of the feelings you've been experiencing are normal. I hope you're not feeling badly about having them. Luckily you do have time to work through the emotions and begin to get excited about the new arrival. The friends that were in this situation didn't begin to feel happy, excited, or accepting until they began preparations and making space for the baby. Choosing names helped and referring to the baby by his/her name helped them bond as well. But mostly, allowing themselves to grieve helped them accept the situation.

There will come a day in the future when you and wifey look at each other and say "wow, I can't believe we ever had second thoughts about having this child..."

I was so depressed when I got pregnant with my second. I was 38. I kept thinking, "what did I do to myself!!!!!"

Ironically, at 40, I decided to have a third.

Kids are a funny thing. Freedom is a funny thing. What got me over the fears of being older, losing freedom again, etc. was understanding how momentary the newborn-toddler stage really is. It isn't a life-time here, just a few years, and then you will be back to where you are. But at the end of it, you will have a new love in your life that you couldn't imagine life without.

Good Luck to you!

Been there. Done that. Had the same thoughts.

Our youngest was our surprise. A bit of back story: when I married my husband I married a family as he brought 2 tween-age girls to the marriage (& had full custody); we then had a biological child together. Soon after, we were pregnant again. Like you, we went through a whole gamut of emotions. Biggest for me was guilt: how could we do this to our then-youngest daughter who would only be 14 months when this new one was born? How could we ask the older girls to adapt to yet one more change? How awful for this new little one since we were so upset about the pregnancy --could we ever love this child? Wasn't it terrible that we felt that way? Every baby deserved to be wanted & we, frankly, didn't want this child; we must have been the worst parents ever.

Fast forward 19 years. Our little surprise is now a college freshman and the light of our lives. From the moment she was born, she grabbed each of us by the heart & she's never let go. An unexpected bonus: the daughter we were most afraid would get lost in the shuffle gained a best friend. The two are extremely close. I thought my life was complete before she was born and I was totally wrong. I had no idea how much love I could give and how much I needed to be loved. She makes me laugh in a way that only she can (and, yeah, she makes me crazy at times too. Did I mention she's still a teenager?). There is no feeling that compares to her hugs.

Sometimes, when you think life hands you lemons you find you've actually received the best lemonade you could ever have. I agree with others: allow your hearts to open. Have patience with yourself and each other. You CAN do this -- and be much better and much happier for it. As the expression goes, "Man plans; God laughs." Roll with it, my friend. Yes, this is scary but it can be such an unexpected blessing!

By the way, I was in my late 30s at the time & my husband is 14 years older than I. I was the primary bread-winner and was concerned how this would affect our finances. All this was temporary. Love is eternal.

Give your wife a hug. Give yourself one, too. From the other side, I can tell you this will totally be OK -- in fact, it'll be a lot better than OK.

A close friend called me a few years ago, completely freaked out by the fact that despite her husband's recent vasectomy, she discovered she was pregnant. She was sobbing -- they had two already and she really did not want a third. They had a daughter and of their three kids, this is the one she posts the most about on facebook. She is thoroughly bonded and in love with this little girl -- the brother and sister both adore her, and she's the funniest little spitfire. They can't imagine life without her.
And in my family, I'm the fourth. My parents did NOT plan on me at all -- in fact, I've been told there were two forms of birth control -- yes, that's TMI for a daughter to know and yes, that certainly made me feel unwanted when I learned it. But I am very close to both my parents. Of the four, I am the one who makes my parents laugh, I am the one who forgives them their mistakes the most, I am the one who turns to them to share my life and enjoy being with them.
So although things look dark right now, be patient. I don't know if I believe in karma or that God gives you children for a reason. I do believe that life is what you make it, though, and if you are patient with your child and yourselves, you may find in a year or two that you couldn't imagine life any differently.

I can't tell you a similar story. I can tell you a story of a husband and wife who sat on the floor crying- for years because they couldn't have another one ever and then it was finally taken away when (okay me) when I had uterine cancer and everything was removed. No more chances to even have a mistake. Yes, it is a shock, yes you lose your freedom but unless you can ship 'it' to me I'd LOVE to be a mother or a grandma now (and yes maybe some people well get mad at me) I hope you can enjoy your Christmas miracle.

I have had two oops babies, although as someone pointed out if your having sex they aren't really surprises :)

My first two are 11 months apart, I was 19 and looking at a possible divorce (didn't happen). While that one was stressful and brought a lot of emotions I did get over the 'anger'.

My 8th child was my other oops, and I was PISSED. We were careful, obviously not careful enough, and I did not want to do it again. You see my pregnancies are HORRIBLE. My house suffers, my other kids suffer. I am miserable, I was getting older and I did NOT want to do it again.

Like you I am pro-choice, but it's not and never will be the right choice for me. Heck, I was afraid to tell my older kids and put it off as long as I could, my DD caught me throwing up and figured it out lol

I was never really happy with the whole thing, but my anger did lesson over time, and honestly by the time my dd was laid in my arms....none of that mattered. It honestly doesn't. Ten perfect toes, ten perfect fingers and eye lashes that go on for miles, and those sweet little baby lips.

She's 3 now, and when I think about how angry I was I feel bad, it's a baby, a child....how could that be wrong? She's perfect, and I could not imagine my life without her. She really is a character. You will get past it.....

My second was a surprise. That was 18 yrs ago.

My first, while being amazingly smart, was also a very colicky baby and not a self soother, and had lots of allergies that lead to illnesses. We were states away from family. It was not an easy time at all. My H and I didn't even talk about another baby. It was assumed by my family that we would have only one. And if it were up to us, while celibacy wasn't an option, we would never have had one. But God had different ideas.

Our other child was 3 when we found we were unexpectedly pregnant. Shock was first and yes, those emotions you experienced and fear came into play. It really didn't last too long for us. Going through the adventure of pregnancy with our oldest child and his excitement was enough to get us over that hump.

It's said that if you don't have at least two kids then you don't have kids. That is to say, you don't know the full experience of having kids. There will be aspects of your first child that you never expected to surface. The tender love or support for the sibling or the fierce rivalry. This is not just another burden. This is a blooming of your family into a bigger unit. Your responsibilities will grow but your joy will be multiplied also.

Try to let yourself feel the full spectrum of emotions. The ones you have now are most likely temporary. You are pretty deep with them if you considered right to life issues. I am glad that you didn't make a perminate decision on temporary emotion.
There is always adoption if you don't out grow these feelings. There are plenty of loving family's that would be ecstatic over this baby. You could make their life, not just day. I am sure you will make the right decision for this baby.
You might want to consider perminate birth control.

Beautiful sediments from K.N. I think you guys should try to focus on what the baby will bring to your family rather that what the baby is taking. I know, easier said than done. LOL

Some things -
Larger family for holidays
A sibling for your first child (for now and the future - think nieces or nephews later on)
Someone to help with your child's burden of caring for elderly parents when you two are in your late 80s.
More of a chance for grandkids :)

Your loss of freedom will be short lived - the addition of someone to love will last forever.

With even child and pregnancy i get gut wrenchingly ill at the thought of doing the new born thing all over again, loss of freedom, suffering another pregnancy, sleepless nights and paying for their education. But when they come, you fall in love agin. You develop a new normal, a new family dynamic, you see the love that siblings share between one another and you realize all the freaking out for for naught. God blesses in ways we would not have chosen for ourselves, but are in fact better than what we could have dreamt up for ourselves.

Remember every child is a gift.

My 4th was very unexpected, now he is 21, I am so incredibly proud of him. He has always been a challenge but his now girlfriend at the time just a friend was raped and became pregnant by a guy they went to high school with. My son stepped up when this other guy ran...... he is the only dad my grandson has every known. My son works a 12 hour shift 6PM to 6 AM to support this little boy, who will be 2 tomorrow. Mom doesn't work and my son is talking about getting married and adopting this little guy.

My son is blessing.

When I became pregnant with our second, our first was four and would be five when she was born.

I went through an VERY intense period of mourning...how much my relationship with my first child was going to change! I was extremely sad, worried, etc...EVEN though we had planned the pregnancy! I was depressed, happy, sad, angry, excited, everything.

Yes, it's true you'll lose your freedom again. (Laughing. My now two year old RULES my life!) But I DO see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I already miss the baby years again.

Yes, it's true your relationship with your first child will change...but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I had a "perfect" relationship with my first, because she was truly a golden child, and my second is a holy terror...but I still love my first child just as much and love the new one just as much and our relationships have all grown.

Your child may absolutely be gaining a friend for life. My two (now almost 8 and 2.5) LOVE to play together, are compassionate towards each other, and I can't imagine life without the both of them.

My husband wants 10 babies, so he's really no help with this issue. :)

It'll be beautiful. Thank you for not aborting this child, and know that every life has a reason and purpose and although it's scary, it will be so wonderful when the child is here!

I have several friends who had children in the early to mid 40's. So age isn't the issue here at all. I was 38 when my last was born and am babysitting grandkids now an a much older age. It keeps you feeling young. As for the 'surprise' and changes to your life, you will have to take it a day at a time and not think so far ahead. Right now you're thinking of what you'll lose and when you hold that baby in your arms you'll see what you've gained. Adding a person to love isn't a negative but a great positive. Yes, you won't be able to have the same 'freedom' but there are babysitters. Life will become about others more than it is now maybe. I had morning sickness terribly bad with all 8 of my kids. It's just part of it and you have to just endure it. I can't address the idea of one child only since I had two 12 months apart to start off with and that second was our surprise. Not in the fact we had him the fact it was so close to the other. It was an adjustment but a great one. Please just go a day at a time. Don't think of what you had, could have had, etc. Just see what God blesses you with and go from there.

My story isn't exactly the same ... I knew I wanted a second, but I didn't want him so close to my first. My first child is extremely intense, emotionally, and was quite a challenge as a baby. I was feeling quite overwhelmed caring for one, and couldn't even conceive of managing two, and my husband was nostalgic for his carefree days before we had a child. I was in shock when I found out, and then I cried. I had to talk (crying) to both my best friend and my parents before I could even work up the courage to tell my husband, because I knew he would take the news even harder than I did.

While pregnant, I definitely went through a process of grieving for our old, 3-person family. I kept thinking about how moments and routines that I cherished would forever change. At the same time, early in the pregnancy I had a miscarriage scare (which turned out to be nothing) but it made me realize that despite my trepidation, I DID already feel close to and want the second child. The fears and mixed emotions continued throughout the pregnancy, but with joy gradually replacing most of the worry. My husband went through a similar process.

Its not always like this, but for us, adding a second child to our family ended up being much, much easier than I ever expected or hoped for. My second child is generally calm and happy, and was since the moment he was born. My first son, who is so attention-demanding, completely loves his brother, and showed surprisingly little sibling rivalry, and instead seemed to view his brother as another person who is there to pay attention to him! :-)

There are ways in which having two children is DEFINITELY more than twice the work than one. And there have been days in which I've felt overwhelmed or when I have hated the noise level in my house. But there are also many many ways in which having two is actually easier than having one. And, although I would never recommend having another child for the siblings' sake, I really feel that having a brother is the best thing that ever happened to my first son. My boys have such a great relationship, and my youngest son brings out the more loving and joyful side of my oldest.

Anyhow, the experience of two children has been such a blessing, that I am now pregnant with my third (and final!) child. Your fears and mixed emotions are completely normal, but hopefully you will find that the changes in your family will not be as difficult to navigate as you fear, and that your second child will really enrich your lives. Good luck!

We debated for a long time whether to have a 1st. Then I had a miscarriage at 3 months and felt devastated, what is life about without kids, how empty our happy marriage seemed all of a sudden. But about a year later we were pregnant and our first was born. Again we debated whether to have a 2nd. Our first was colicky and the first year+ was so difficult. But we decided to see if it would happen and of course I got pregnant right away. I remember sobbing and worrying about how I would ever give enough attention to my first with a second around (probably hormone & finance induced worry). When we knew the sex of the 2nd we gave her a name and started using that name when talking about the baby to our first. We also brought a picture of our first and put it in the bassinet of the new baby in the hospital so big sis felt part of everything. Our 2 kids are super close, they did everything together for years, and just now in teen years are starting to spend less time together but the time they do spend is filled with rapid-fire speech and lots of giggles. For us, it multiplied our love and my husband always says:"now they have a sibling to complain about us when we are old". Give yourself time, even a planned and hoped-for baby brings worry. That is why it is so great it takes 9 months to be born. Oh, and I was 36 with the first and 39 with the second. I think having a baby when you are older keeps you young, you are more mature and relaxed, generally a bit better situated financially. And the age difference is not so huge that the 2 cannot play together, but large enough that the older will actually be able to be a really big help. Plus there always be a playmate in the house when friends are on vacation or during holidays when they do not want to hang out with all the adults. Finally, I miscarried at 3 months, you are not out of the woods yet.
Oh, one more thing - a friend of mine with her first said that her husband was still grieving the loss of coupledom when she had adjusted during her pregnancy since she was carrying the constant reminder while her husband was taking long bike rides with buddies still. Make sure to not just put this out of your mind until the baby arrives, but talk to your wife (and your firstborn) about what changes will happen, just in a casual way even. I would pat the second grocery store carriage seat and say "this is where {name} will sit when she is no longer in my belly", etc. Enjoy your freedom but perhaps carry around a 20 pound messenger bag every now and then and drink selzer water instead of a beer on Friday night to remind you that you wife already is adjusting physically.

i haven't been there, but i know lots of people who have. just know this is a natural reaction, and that it will pass. keep looking forward to the day you will be thrilled to have this little one. it will happen. keep that in mind and keep moving forward...you'll be okay. hang in there! and hug your wife! :)

When you get to the point that you decide to accept this then you will feel differently. As for age, there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of grandparents out there raising grandchildren. From infants all the way up through the teen years. Age actually makes it easier. We understand the big picture and aren't so focused on the tiny minuscule things that really don't make any difference in the long run.

I think that older parents actually do better at the job of being a well rounded parent. They've usually been through all of it before, not just starting out for the first time as parents. Even if they have nor borne children they have had contact with them and been around family with children or friends with children and have learned some things.

So I think you are above average for becoming a parent again in several categories. I think if her health is not threatened by this pregnancy in a life threatening way that you are in such a wonderful position here. You are getting to add a child to your family. Your kindergartner gets to be a big brother or big sister. That is something all kids can enjoy and thrive in.

So, mentally it's your job to find something about this to love and be happy about. It's your job to make sure she is pampered and shown as much support as possible. Find some little thing to do for her often just to show her you think she is beautiful and wonderful. She will come around too. She needs to take good care of herself and be a good host for this growing infant.

Congratulations dad!

BTW, my mom was born in 1924, my dad in 1917. My brother was born in 1944 and my sister was born in 1947. I was born in 1960. Do the math...they were both close to or over 40. My brother was 15 and my sister was 11. They were married and out of the house by the time I was in kindergarten and in my first wedding each and every person who was not family thought they were my mom and dad and that my mom and dad were my grandparents. So I can relate in a different way.

I will tell you that this baby will give you more joy than you. Old have ever imagined. I hope you can come back here in 7 months and tell us all how you cannot imagine life without this little one. You are shocked right now but will get over it. Your five year old will be a big help to you. There is a reason for this baby. You may no know it now, but at one point it will be clear. Congratulations to you all.

I can understand but you'll still have one child per parent so not total loss of freedom, you're not that old and while not necessary, a sibling usually is nice. You'll be more relaxed this time too so more likely to just take the baby with you and continue to do fun things. And your oldest can help! Likely a fair amt of help. My second was a whoops bc of failed bc and I was panicked. My oldest wasn't even a year. So two young young kids and we got through it. Yours will actually be easier. My husband was around your age and I was late 30's so not that much younger. We did it and of course are glad. And I'm pro choice and don't really think every child is always a blessing depending in the circumstances. Yours are really not bad circumstances and you'll be fine. It's just adding a few more years of baby stuff. By the time the child is 3, it'll be easy again. My sister is 5 yrs older than me and I think we're both very glad now to have each other.

Your feelings will change once she gives birth to your baby.And if this is all you want do something about it so for your not going through this again.You can get a vasectomy or she has many options.Good Luck having many children isn't for everyone but neither is just havinga singleton

My girls are 5 years apart and although I would not have planned it that way (my son in between the girls passed away at 17 days old) I actually love the spacing. Give yourself time, I am betting at some point you won't be able to imagine your life without your second child.

It will be okay.
Even if planned, couples can feel overwhelmed with more children or another pregnancy.

I have 2 kids.
I only wanted 1 at first. My Husband wanted more kids. He didn't pressure me. Like you, I enjoyed having more "freedom" as my eldest child got older. (My kids are 4 years apart). Then, I warmed up to the idea of having a 2nd child. And I have NEVER regretted it. Not once.
My youngest is now 6... and I cannot imagine, life without him or without 2 kids. And my eldest child, LOVES having a sibling. They are very close. And it is endearing. And having 2 kids is really nice.
Sure, going through the baby stages are not easy and all those stages of not having sleep and waking to nurse baby etc., but one day... your child is not a baby anymore, and you relish those times. And seeing your kids grow up... ALSO entails, growing up, yourself. As an adult.
It is a Rite of Passage. And you learn to flow through it, or you will struggle through it.

No parent is perfect. There are times I think... I should have never been a parent. Because I am not perfect and I don't know if I am a good Mom or not etc. But looking at my kids, they affirm the purpose of being a Mom... and they are good loved kids. And for some reason, I was blessed enough... to have 2 kids. Mind you, I was not "young" when I had my kids. And when I had my 2nd child, I was about your age. But I was fortunate to have a normal pregnancy and my son was born healthy. And yes, we got pregnant naturally.
It feels, it was meant to be... when I look at my kids.
And all those uneasy feelings... about being a parent to a 2nd child, is gone. When I see how life is, now. As a family. A family of 4.

Its nice you can come here to get some feedback.
I hope your Wife too, can see this, your post.

I had BAD morning sickness and migraines with BOTH my pregnancies.
Per the advice of my OB/GYN, I got Acupuncture. And after 1 session, it went away. And it was very relaxing. Of course, see an Acupuncturist that handles pregnant women.

All the best.

I can understand your fears and feelings completely, even though my own situation was a little different. I had two, two years apart, and then my husband and I decided to have a third (we were both 38). I got pregnant right away the first try, but before I even found out, we decided we had made a terrible decision and decided to stop at two. Well, of course, I had gotten pregnant and when I found out, I was upset and actually quite devastated for a few days. Felt nothing but dread and regret. Then after a few days I felt better and started getting excited...only to lose the baby around 7 weeks. And I realized that I desperately had wanted that little gift. And the greatest grace of my life is the little boy that came into our life a little over nine months later. Yes, it might be hard, and yes, it might not be expected, but a new life is a great gift and once you hold that child, all your doubts will evaporate and you will be filled with the greatest love imaginable. And just from a practical standpoint, as I stand here three years later, with a 7yr old, 5 yr old and 3 year old, time has gone so fast and all the little inconveniences are a distant memory. Life is so good now, and the thought of not having my little boy fill me with great sadness and I truly can't imagine our little family without his presence. Take this gift life has given you, embrace it, both the good and the bad, and know that you will not only "get through it" but will find your life enriched and blessed more than ever thought possible. Good luck!

Our 2nd came sooner than we were planning. They are 20 months apart. But she is my sunshine. She is funny, smart, silly, easy going and a sweetheart. I wasn't happy about being pregnant or having an infant. It was hard. Very hard. I'm not going to lie. In fact at one point in my sleepless daze I believe I said we made the biggest mistake of our lives. Things finally got better for me after she turned 1 and the intense baby stage was starting to fade. And now I couldn't imagine not having her peeking her head over my bed every morning and saying "mama, i'm awake now." It melts my heart every day! You'll get there to eventually. Give yourself time to feel what you need to feel and enjoy these last fews months as a family of 3. Good luck!

I was just about 40 when I had my last child. The thing is we were not using any birth control so it really can not be a huge suprise. I was tired and cranky and scared. I have to tell you I would not change a thing. We were instantly in love. So will you be when you see your little bundle.

The feelings you have are normal and will also pass. My son is 13 and and I am soon to be 52, he keeps us young and on the move. He has not stopped us from doing all the things we want to do, we just take him and he loves it. Try to change the way your thinking also. Its not a loss of a small family but an addition of part of your family.

I also had the same situation but it was going from two to three children as my younger one was already in kindergarten and we thought we were done as well and I was 40. We were dismayed at the beginning as well after knowing that things were going to get harder again for us. But we just did what we had to do and now my third is already in first grade and we couldn't imagine our family without her. She was truly a gift and her older sisters were thrilled to have another sibling. She keeps us young. I can only advise to get extra help as much as you can in the beginning while they are young to help you (babysitters, etc) and big sisters helped out a lot too. Sometimes thinking about it is worse than actually going through it because they do grow up fast!

Hubby and I had our daughter 2 years ago. Our little P.. We had wanted to wait until she was 2 or 3 to even discuss whether or not we wanted another child. Well.. When our first was 4 months old I ended up having an ultrasound because of side pains. And I was a month pregnant! Talk about shock. So now I have 2 beautiful girls.. Birthdays are November 30, 2010 and November 24, 2011. Honestly, I still haven't gotten over my disappointment yet. Another pregnancy and birth too soon. More breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Plus, while our oldest was always an easy-going baby, our youngest has always been really high-strung. She wants to be held, talked to, played with, etc constantly. She's never been a good sleeper and still wakes up multiple times a night.

On the other hand, we were given what we never knew we wanted. And now we're done. No holding onto baby stuff for who knows when. Or getting settled with an older child routine only to have to return to baby craziness again. Our baby days are over. And I couldn't be happier.

That's why my then-husband had a vasectomy when our daughter (born when I was 41 and he 48) was 6 weeks old.

I know that's not helpful, but anything but sterilization leaves an opening for an "oops". Grieving because you can't have more babies is normal and grieving about having an unexpected baby is normal. If you can both work through this together, you will likely be loving your family of four soon. If you can't, I'd suggest counseling. Also, be careful what you wish for, since miscarriage is much more common for older women.

Other than increased risks in pregnancy, I don't see age as an issue, obviously. This was the very best time for me to have a baby (and now a 10 year-old) but being an older parent isn't what everyone envisions. Our other two children (my husband's from his first marriage) were 17 & 20 when our daughter was born. So we dealt with college and daycare at the same time.

Anything can work out for the best if we decide that it will and make adjustments.