Is Something Wrong with Me?!?!?!? After Losing Pregnancies...

Absolutely NORMAL. It is a defense mechanism and self preservation. After 4 losses I never felt comfortable until I was out of my 1st trimester. Being that I wanted each pregnancy to be successful I didn't need to hear what negative comments others might have. After my 5th loss (twins, one made it the other didn't) someone had the nerve to say "at least you have one." I wanted to punch them. Take this time, you need it, it is hard to enjoy and not be on edge, no need to worry about what others might think or say.

Nothing is wrong with you. I miscarried between my first and second children and it leaves you scared for life. I did not share that I was pregnant with my second until well into the second trimester where with my first I told pretty much the day my husband and I found out.

So stay strong and calm. Think positive but you are completely normal!

Psalm 121,
Big sincere hugs to you. I completely understand your feelings. Please don't question whether or not you are normal or worry that there is something wrong with you. Miscarriage, and especially one where you have to undergo a scary operation and lose not only one of your body parts, but have a baby suddenly surgically removed from you is extremely traumatic. I know, I've had both experiences. The ectopic was my first pregnancy and miscarriage followed. I wasn't "normal" and there was definitely something very "wrong" with me for a very, very long time. When I finally did get a viable pregnancy, I was just like you. I didn't even allow myself to accept it. I did not rejoice whenever I was congratulated because I secretly felt I was receiving false joy. I just knew something was going to go wrong. Even the day of the birth, I was preparing myself not to become attached because something still could happen, and probably would (in my scarred, tormented mind). My daughter from that pregnancy is now 11 and I feel I really missed out on the wonderful experiences of delighting in the fact that I had been given this amazing blessing. My second pregnancy was so much better because I allowed myself the freedom to believe everything was going to be okay. My twins from that pregnancy are now 9. Please don't question and worry about your feelings. The ectopic pregnancy, and the miscarriage, triggered all sorts of natural physical and emotional preparedness for what was to be. When it was cruelly interrupted, our minds and bodies respond to that with confusion, suffering, fear and all sorts of other reactions. If we could just quickly bounce back from something like that, it wouldn't be the ultimate miraculous event that it truly is. I know there is nothing I can say to you to prevent you from having the feelings you are having. Just know that you are not alone and that you are perfectly normal to have such feelings. I wish you all the best and hope that soon you can trust that everything will be okay. It is such a joyous feeling, isn't it? Take care, J.

Fear. After my miscarriage, I was so concerned about the next pregnancy that I thought every little thing was doom. It took a long time to be happy, but after I got into the 2nd trimester, I allowed myself to be reassured by my doctor, and believe me, I called her whenever I had the smallest question.

I think people speak without thinking and you should 1) try to surround yourself with supportive, positive folks, and 2) try to let comments roll and say things like, "Yup! Again! And we are very happy!" They are not raising your child and if they don't know what you went through, they may not be as sensitive as they otherwise might be. Try to allow yourself to be happy, for you and your baby. If you really can't shake the blues, then consider some therapy/grief counseling.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! That is very exciting and is wonderful news after the two terrible loses you experienced.

Don't worry about other people right now. People can be weird, insensitive, and inappropriate when it comes to pregnancies, lost or otherwise.

Enjoy this wonderful blessing that you have. Although your husband has announced this news you can still try and keep it special between the two of you. Only the two of you can really understand anyway.

I would hold off on posting on Facebook. I announced that I was pregnant on there I had lots of people congratulate me, but when I lost the babies not even one of my "friends" contacted me. I mean, months went by and I didn't hear from a single one. If I knew a friend of mine was pregnant and was talking about it on Facebook and then just seemed to disappear for a long while without a word I would be concerned. It was very hurtful and I definitely revamped my "friend" list. It's much smaller now.

Like I said, enjoy this pregnancy and the upcoming Spring. What a pretty time to be pregnant. 8)

Congratulations again and I am so sorry for your losses.

Peace.

I am so sorry for your losses of the last year. I'm sending you hugs because I've been there, in my own way. (Our own experiences are so individual.)

There is NO right way to grieve the loss of a child. My first miscarriage was similar to yours-- hardly knew I was pregnant. The second was horrifying for me. For about two weeks, I literally felt like a creature trapped in amber: my points of reference in life suddenly felt unrelatable to my (then) husband or anyone else. A dear, loving friend suggested counseling, which unfolded into a real examination of ALL the losses implicated within that failed pregnancy: my desire to make something more of my life; my desire to have a healthy loving family (not what I grew up with); my desire to see my then-husband step up and become a grown man; my longing to re-do childhood and be the stable, sane mother I never had. And so much more.

I went into counseling because of the grief of losing that baby-- it was overwhelming to me and my friends. What I came out learning was that there's always so much more emotionally invested into a pregnancy than the baby: there are years of subconcious hopes and dreams. If we do not heal from the feeling of loss around these areas too, we sometimes only partially move on from our miscarriages, and leave some part of ourselves there within that grief.

There's a good book about pregnancy loss called "Unspeakable Losses" by Kim Kluger-Bell. ( I would recommend reading the reviews to see if this is a good match for you, because she does tackle hard subjects such as selective termination and abortion). What I appreciated so much about this book was how there was no perfect, right way of getting through these times, and how much the feeling of loss pervades a parent's sense of self, no matter what the circumstances of the loss are.

All this to say, I think it's worth finding someone to talk to, to process the ectopic pregnancy and dig in to find out what about this pregnancy you *don't* feel like celebrating. And also, to find some coping tactics so that you don't get triggered when your husband or loved ones want to celebrate or congratulate you on this baby now. This may keep you from feeling overwhelmed, and help you to allow yourself to enjoy the pregnancy and to bond with your newest little one.

As for the people who say "again".... remember not to take on 'their stuff'. Many people really goof up on being tactful, so if these are good friends, just take it as a gaffe. If they aren't, just don't put your energy there. You need that for yourself and your family.

What you need for yourself, though, is more healing first. And I understand about mircacle babies-- my last miscarriage was such a huge blow (because I'd gotten so many of my old issues worked out and felt we were really *ready*), and then I became pregnant 5 weeks later with my son. I made a concious decision to enjoy our pregnancy, and really did for the most part. I wouldn't have been able to do that without having examined all the other stuff years ago. That's why I recommend really getting some help around grieving-- because years later, I was able to bounce back more quickly and have some lovely positive experiences.

I hope you come to a place of peace within yourself, and your relationship with God, during this time.

H.

Your feelings are completely normal. I had 3 miscarriages (one at 6 months gestation) before I had my daughter. After the second one, I didn't tell anyone except my husband, mother and sister. I just couldn't stand to go through the experience of telling everyone I lost another baby if that occured. Some of us are just more private than others and there is nothing wrong with that. Be gentle with yourself- you are entitled to privacy if that is what you want. I wish all the best for you!

I think the way you are feeling is completely normal.

I had two early miscarriages, also, before becoming pregnant with my daughter. I was upset with my husband for announcing both of the first pregnancies to his extended family very early, then I had to deal with the response after the miscarriages. I'm just a private person and wanted to deal with these losses ourselves. By the third time, we did not announce to anyone other than closest family that I was pregnant until it was physically obvious. After the first trimester, and most people knew, I was more comfortable with the idea that people knew.

I think it our right to keep pregnancy to ourselves and our immediate families. Especially after the emotional impact of what you've been through. And I really wish people would say "congratulations" and keep their other thoughts to themselves!

Hi,

I would think because you suffered such great loss you are scared of loss again. It is OK. If I was you I would wait until you were showing to the point people cannot mistake you for a pregnant woman before announcing. Your family and true friends will understand why you waited. There is no greater loss than losing a child even if you were not able to meet them.

I wish you all the best and congratulations.

I've never been through this, but my guess would be fear, fear of losing the baby and fear of jinxing the pregnancy by getting too excited about it. I can't imagine announcing a pregnancy and then having to tell people we lost the baby. There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep it to yourself. I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope everything goes well for you! It sounds like you've passed an important milestone already, the first trimester.

I absolutely hate it when people get all uppity about anyone having more than 2 children. How horribly rude! I hope you dont encounter too many more people trying to rain on your parade.

Fear...The emotional trauma is difficult and some people just don't get it. Give yourself a break my dear. Don't let what other people think guide you. Talk with your hubby and decide how you want to handle stupid comments like the example you had and put on a united front. People will get the message!
Hang in there!!!!! Enjoy this time. I will never get the chance it is a miracle!

Congratulations to you. I lost several babies between my two girls. For me I was overjoyed at being pregnant but also extremely afraid to hope that I would have a successful pregnancy. I couldn't celebrate the joy without constantly remembering the previous sorrows. In fact I didn't even buy one thing for my daughter until I hit the 36 week. We had our weekly sono appointment, she looked perfectly healthy and our team told us we were safe to deliver her should labor start early again. On the way home I had hubby stop at the BabiesRUs so we could purchase her nursery bedding. Perhaps you too are afraid to hope and that's ok, you're entitled to your feelings. As the pregnancy progresses I'm sure it will become easier for you. I don't know about you but I was also really tired of people's thoughtless comments. Some were positive but alot were negative....believe me I heard them all including how selfish I was to risk another pregnancy. I think that is another reason we waited so long to go public with the pregnancy. I say every baby is a blessing that should be celebrated. If those around you can not be supportive then perhaps they shouldn't be around. Good Luck and God Bless.

Perfectly normal, IMHO.
When we finally got pregnant after our miscarriage I too kept it like the most guarded secret ever. And no matter how many good check-ups we had I just didn't care to share.
I even felt the peace of the Lord telling me my baby would be fine...Just didn't matter.
I think I was about 25 weeks when my co-workers finally asked (my friend) if I was pg or just eating Twinkies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lol.

Talking about the baby and some of the comments made always got under my skin. Like they were lessening the lost baby. Or comments about the baby's health..."as long as it's healthy". No, I'd love my baby even if it were sick/disabled.

I digress...You enjoy your little secret. Keep it yours for as long as you want, eventually they will find out. ;) Tell DH how you feel-and that we say it is perfectly normal. I guess I was lucky, my DH felt the same as I.

And as for those dumb "again?" comments. People are weird. We don't all have the same pre-set lives. I don't know what posesses people to say the stupid stuff they say...I guess once you've been through this kind of silent loss you just understand that anybody could be suffering at anytime and you should think before you speak.
Just smile. I think no response to stupid comments speaks volumes. ;)

And ((hugs)) to you-I am so sorry for your losses.
And congrats too! :)

You are just protecting yourself, protecting your heart. I had two losses (14 weeks then 12 weeks) after having three wonderful pregnancies. When we got pregnant after the first loss we didn't tell anyone except immediate family. So many people (including our 3 children) never even knew about our second loss. When we got pregnant again, we still didn't tell people except immediate family. When I got to the point of showing some people would ask and I would admit it, but I still didn't talk about it much. I actively tried to avoid bonding with the pregnancy for fear of the outcome. Especially since we really wanted another child, but I wasn't sure I could go trough it all again if we lost a third baby. It got harder and harder to avoid getting excited as the pregnancy progressed, especially when I started feeling movement and was really showing. But even by the end of the pregnancy I was still "cautiously optimistic." But now that baby is a happy 7 month old! Despite my fear and limited bonding with the pregnancy I love him all the same. As we announced his birth I was surprised at the number of friends (those that live out of state and we don't see regularly) never even knew about the pregnancy. Not sharing it does not make it any less special, you are just guarded and justifiably so. Do your best to enjoy the pregnancy and keep this most special secret between you and your husband until you are ready, or it becomes obvious to the world :)

There is nothing wrong with you. You are scared. You lost 2 pregnancies and it worries you that it might happen again. It's very understandable and normal. People don't know the history of your losses and most of us are pretty dumb in what we say so don't even think about the comments. It will take time, and you will feel more like sharing your great news. We all have reasons to feel our children are miracles, and blessings. Don't let anyone tell you different. You know what they mean to you. That is all that matters. Best of everything for a healthy happy baby!

It's ok to feel this way. You are a momma and you are protecting not only yourself, but the little person inside of you. I always loved having my baby inside me because I could protect her. I was one of those moms that panicked around the time of her delivery because she would now be exposed to the world I couldn't control. :-P

People are insensitive! I lost 6 pregnancies before I was able to carry my daughter. My then husband told me he and parents had decided we shouldn't have children. To say the least, we divorced. I got married to my husband a few years later and we had Elizabeth a year after that. Even during those times of loss, I had 'friends' comment that maybe it just wasn't meant for me to be a mom and 'don't you just want to stop'. So when I was pregnant with my girl, it was really hard to tell people and I walked on eggshells about it through the whole pregnancy.

Enjoy your pregnant time and know it's your time not theirs.

Wow! This is really a true blessing! After an ectopic pregnancy (never would have been viable) it is very rare to get pregnant easily after as one of your fallopian tubes has been scarred/destroyed. After the first 12 weeks of pregnancy you have a high probability of this one coming to term, so you're in a good place.
I have never been through what you have been through, so I can't say that I can relate. But, the way you feel is your own and whether its "normal" or not really doesn't even matter. Be sure to talk to your husband about these feelings as they are real to you and he is really the one to lean on as your pregancy progresses and you feel more comfort in knowing that you will get to meet this little wonder.
Congratualtions and take deep breaths-you're doing great. God Bless.

I am sorry for what you have gone through in the past. There is nothing wrong with you. Your mind and body are protecting you from getting hurt again by keeping this at a distance and thank God for that because it hurts like hell to lose pregnancies. It's ok to keep this one private as long as you want...just take it one day at a time and cut yourself some slack.

I'm happy for you, Dear- and I wish you nothing but the best. You have had a very difficult struggle and an enormous hurt-people are insensitive but pay them no mind-you just focus on you and your family. I admire how you have been able to get through and did not lose hope. It is only natural to want to keep this to yourself-look at peoples' reaction! Anyway, take care and surround yourself with positive people, do fun things with your children-and watch a lot of comedies! God bless you!

Yes you're feelings are normal, I was so scared to lose the next pregnancy after just one miscarriage! If anyone else is rude enough to say "Again?" maybe you could look them in the eye and say "what exactly are you asking?" this puts them in the spotlight and may make them realize their question whether it is -Again after a miscarriage? or Again as in having a third child? is a rude question, just saying again? lets them get away with a vague remark that doesnt sound as rude as the whole question. Make them say the question in a whole sentence and then answer "Yes" now they look dumb cuz clearly the answer was Yes.

i can't imagine the pain you have felt with your losses. i lost one pregnancy when i was 15. when i got pregnant at 24 i was scared to death that i was going to lose this one too. So only the people i was living/working with (i was working at a summer camp at the time) and the father knew i was pregnant. i didn't even tell my family until i was almost 3 months pregnant. It is understandable with that much loss to be scared bout this pregnancy. It is relatively normal. Talk to your husband about how you feel to make sure you're on the same page. i would only tell the people closest to you, until you have to tell the others when you're getting big. that way you'll be more comfortable with everything. Good luck, and enjoy this baby!

I think how you are feeling is normal for what you have gone through. My sister in law lost a baby last year and when she got pregnant she did not tell anyone but her mom I think till she was at least like three months along. It was hard for her cause the fear of loosing the baby was there. I think that if anyone has a negative comment then they are the ones with the problem!!! Babies are a gift!

Good luck and God Bless!!!

I think talking to a christian counselor would be good for you. Sometimes it just helps to let it out on a stranger without judgment and it also helps us see what's truly going on on the inside and you can work through it and it will all be good in the end : ) Good Luck and Blessings.

i think it's totally normal after 2 lost babies to feel this way. i agree with the idea of "jinxing" this one. i would feel the exact same way. and i hate to say, but with two (i am sure) wonderful children, you will get the "again" comments. not sure why people need to make the comments (i am pro single kids to the hilt, but when my coworker told me his wife is pregnant with #4 - and they can't even afford the three they already have - i didn't say anything other than, wow, congratulations- so i don't get it at all, it's no one's business how many kids you have) just look at them like they must be kinda dense, and say, "yes, again!"

I am sorry for your loss...and that may be why ur not wanting to share. I was happy w/my 2nd/1st (2nd baby, 1 w/husband) but the sad feeling from the adoption (I choose to put 1st up for adoption when I was preg.) came back durring preg...I thought it was weird but normal. I think we humans build exspectations off of our exsperiances, so the fact that u lost 2 makes sence that u want 2 "hide" (my term for lack of a better term) this preg seems normal. You will probably get more ok with people knowing and all the "gongrats" as you are further along and past the "threat" stage. I'll be praying for ur baby and you. :)

I know how it feels to get the "again?" question/statement....so CRAPY! Just b/c THEY think I have "too many kids" or THEY wouldn't have "that many" gives them no right to bash me about it...I WANT to be preg and I Want to be HAPPY if i get preggers again, so I don't think I will tell THOSE people when do get preg. again no matter who they are...b/c I'n not going to let anyone steal my JOY! :-D

Enjoy ur preg. and new baby! :)

My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel though. I had a miscarriage at the 12 week mark with my first baby. Of course I had already told every person on earth that I was pregnant. Then a few months later when I got pregnant with my son I didn't want to tell anyone. For one, I feared that I would lose this baby too and didn't want to go through that again but another reason I thought that getting exciting about this baby somehow meant that the baby I lost wasn't special. I struggled with this for a long time. Then when I started telling people I was pregnant it wasn't so bad. And when my son was born healthy I knew his lost brother or sister was looking down on us. You would think that these feelings would go away but I am now 26 weeks pregnant and the same feelings came back. I was reluctant to tell people, I didn't believe my pregnancy was going to stick and then until 18 weeks pregnant I was sure something was wrong with this baby. I just couldn't believe that I could be blessed with another wonderful child. After seeing 2 ultrasounds and hearing my doctor tell me several times that everything is okay I'm starting to get excited about this baby. I just wanted to let you know I can understand how hard this is for you.

I am so sorry about your babies~ I know that it is beyond rough and its not something you just get over. I have lost a child and I completely understand. Your feelings are normal. I would just give yourself time to really let this pregnancy sink in---you are most likely fearful that something will happen to this one and so you are trying not to tell others for fear of that. Completely understandable. Tell the people who you know will be there for you---no one can understand except other parents who have lost children. If you haven't already, journal about this baby-how you are feeling and let your anger go with yourself about this....nothing is wrong with you~ you are still grieving the loss of your babies and pregnancy in itself can reinjure you because of the body memories. Best wishes for a healthy, happy pregnancy!

M

I also think it's very normal to feel that way. I felt that way after having only one miscarriage. When I got pregnant again, I was happy, of course, but felt like it was a secret I had to guard at all costs. I also felt like I couldn't be outwardly joyful about it, which is such a huge rip-off when you look back at it later. I had lots of praise and fun and joy and even a party when I was pregnant the first time (when I miscarried) and then later, when I was pregnant with my son (now 5), it was like a hush-hush thing, where no one wanted to get too excited. To me, it feels like he got short-changed, though of course he wasn't even around to know it!

Looking back on it now, I wish I could have felt differently about it at the time, but you have to guard your emotions when it comes to something that painful. You know yourself best, and what you went through is yours alone.

The rejoicing can come when your little one is born safe and sound!

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain of your past pregnancies. Best of luck to you with this one. I truly hope you will have a smooth pregnancy this time. Motherhood will be the greatest joy of your life!!

Sincerely,
Jen
www.morethanmothers.com

Perfectly understandable and totally your prerogative. My first miscarriage happened when I thought I was "safe," about a week or two into my second trimester, and we had just started telling everyone about the baby. And so of course they were all well-intentioned with their words of sympathy but I cringed every time because I really didn't want to talk about it (especially the ones who said things like "these things happen for a reason" because that is not at all helpful when you're in the moment!). When we got pregnant again I still wasn't comfortable telling people until I was further into the second trimester and that one, as well as my next pregancy, went fine. My second miscarriage did happen in the first trimester but I broke my cardinal rule of not telling people until after the first trimester -- including my two children. So when we got pregnant again about a year after that . . . mum was the word until I was safely ensconced in my second trimester.

Your situation sounds very similar to my good friend's - had one, lost one early, lost another later, got pregnant again. Only she's just about due right now! It has colored her experience of the whole pregnancy - she didn't want to let herself get as attached this time, even though she was super super attached to her first the second they found out she was pregnant. Didn't tell people for a long time, etc etc.

I'll just tell you what I told her - how you feel about your pregnancy is not in any way an indicator of how you'll feel about your kids. I felt nothing towards my daughter, my first, my whole pregnancy, even though I never suffered a miscarriage and actually had tried to conceive for a whole year before finally getting pregnant. I was terrified that I wouldn't love her. After all, I heard endless storied of all those moms who loved their babies the second they knew they were in there, and I just felt like some weird alien had taken over my body. But the second my daughter was born I said "I can't believe I love her so much!" and it was really true. All those feelings came flooding to the surface.

So I don't know if you have this same fear of not being "attached," but just know that if you do, it's okay, and you'll love the heck out of this baby.

Good luck.

You're afraid. That's normal given your loses. You are trying to protect yourself frm pain. Unfortunately it's really not possible. If you are not showing yet, you will soon. Do you want people to ask you if you are pregnant or ignore it ( who wants to ask and have the woman say I'm not pregnant)? Maybe you would prefer to tell a friend or two and let them tell others. You could be honest. Tell them that after two lost pregnancies. You are feeling very vulnerable. You may be surprised to find out how many of your friends or family have experienced a similar situation. You are not as alone as you think! All the best!

It is what it is. You are pregnant and you might as well tell people. At least that way you have a bunch of people praying for you and your baby. That would be a good thing.

I think its a defense mechanism, It sounds to me like you are trying to protect yourself 'just in case' things dont continue well, which I think is a good idea. Once you are well into your pregnancy and are indeed ready to share the news, then do so. You should probably have this discussion with your husband aswell.

I have never lost a pregnancy before (currently 19 weeks w/2nd child) but of course the thought goes through every womens mind when she is pregnant...all very normal. Even though my Doctor said everything was progessing normally, we waited until I was 12-13 weeks along both times, just to make sure. Also, take relief in the fact that MOST miscarriages happen in the 1st trimester (<13 weeks) and MOST of those within the first 5-7 weeks. Once you have a confirmed heartbeat the chance of miscarriage is like 2%. You have had 2 full term pregnancies so you should know what to expect and what is normal but always trust your gut if you think something is wrong.

Gosh you are entitled. Be gentle on yourself. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. As you stated in your update you are fearful. It is a reasonable response with the journey you have traveled. You are also protective and maybe thinking like the "gods or fates" might take this too if you are too overjoyed. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and acknowledge what it is without judgement. As you progress along it will become more natural to feel secure in the vitality of your pregnancy and your outward joy will as be well. Best wishes.

I'm sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter during labor, and had an early miscarriage before that. Tomorrow I hit 14weeks with my 3rd pregnancy, and I'm keeping this quiet too, for another month I think (haven't really decided). I think your feelings are very normal after loss hun. Do whatever it takes to make things easier on you.