Dealing with Feelings of Sadness After Finding Out We're Not Having a Baby Girl

She will feel entirely different the moment she lays eyes on her boys.

She will be the Queen Of The Castle.

Pregnancy hormones intensify every emotion we have. It's completely normal what she's going through.

Hang in there Dad, next year this time the way she feels now will be a distant memory.

Congratulations!

:)

This isn't something you need to fix. You don't need to make her feel better. Let her experience the emotions and work through them. It's normal for her to feel sadness, especially since she's probably thinking about the little girl you lost moreso than not getting to raise a generic daughter.

We tend to want to fix everything, but not everything needs fixing.

I can understand her feelings. I have 4 daughters and used to want a boy. But tell her to just hang on. Grandchildren will come a long someday and she'll have her girls. My first grandchild is a little boy and now I know what I missed out on. Only, I am not missing out on anything. He's my pride and joy right now.

Just give her some time and space. She'll be okay. Then find someone that's single and young with a new baby girl, shower the girl with gifts and offer to babysit. :)

When I had my 3rd boy my best friend told me, "Now you have the chance to create the best husbands for some very lucky women out there. Think of how they and their parents will thank you for raising such wonderful men!"
Maybe helping her see a different perspective about raising boys will help her work through the grief of losing your daughter. It helped me accept I wasn't going to have one. But then I did anyway, we had a fourth child-a girl-that we didn't plan, and you know what? She's way harder to raise than my boys. All those Dreams of Having A Little Girl went right out the window. She's just a regular child just like the my 3 boys, not a magical creature that brought light into my world or something.
And yes, most of this is hormones.

Sometimes we box ourselves in and cut ourselves off from joy and happiness with preconceived ideas of what something will be like.

In your case, it sounds like you both believe that a daughter will provide an experience that a son can not.

Do not box yourselves in. Open your minds and realize that the experience of parenting any child, whether the child is a boy or girl will be equally fulfilling, exciting, and fun. You will not miss out any experiences with one or the other. In the end, parenting isn't about matchbox and baseball games versus tea parties and all things girl. You will quickly find, the most fulfilling and most important parenting experiences are the ones that have nothing to do with gender at all, but everything to do with the building of the character, values, and education of that child.

Besides, as a mom who has lost a young daughter, and has only boys, I can assure you, something hormonal happens that causes a mother to fall in love with baby immediately upon birth. Short of her experiencing something challenging like post-partum depression, she will not feel this way once she sees them, holds them, smells them and nurses them. Most mothers instantly feel fulfilled and whole after they deliver their babies. It is an incredibly powerful and life changing event with a whole host of unexplainable emotions and physical changes that make it so no other children in the world but hers matter. It will be the same for you too. Especially if you get to be in the delivery room to witness the birth.

For now, clear your mind of these thoughts the best you can and get excited for those babies by getting the room ready, getting cute things that any child/baby would enjoy, and most important spend tons of quality quiet time with your wife.

When the babies come, this phase of your life together as a couple will end, and you will both be entering into a new dynamic centered on the children until they are teens. So many new parents don't understand this (how could they unless they have a wise, experienced person tell them) and miss out on the short time left to have fun without the interuption that comes with the things of parenting. Good things...but very time consuming things that make quiet intimate conversations the exception, and peaceful baths, and quiet romantic dinners a rarity. For goodness sake take the woman on several romantic dinner dates! Escape to a bed and breakfast! Go to a concert! Be spontaneous and have fun because you don't have to worry about finding a babysitter or getting back home by a certain time yet. LOL! Enjoy having a clean house, small laundry loads, and being able to hear the TV and actually being able to watch something other than kid shows.

Whatever you do, do not worry about things you can not change, nor would you want to change. These are afterall the babies you were MEANT to parent -- two boys who will be your own to love, cherish, and teach. What a blessing and what an adventure you and your wife will have. You'll love each and every moment and will probably never dwell on the what ifs of not having a daughter once you hold them in your arms.

Last but not least, if after the boys come, you both still feel that your family is incomplete, why not adopt? There are plenty of little girls out there who would love to have two big brothers and two loving parents.

If her sadness (which is normal) is such that you are worried for her mental health and safety, I would recommend counseling. Hormones may also be at play here. Talk with her OB if you feel she is in a very unsafe place emotionally. She may need some extra TLC before and after delivery. Just keep an eye on her.

First, congratulations to you both.

Second, carrying healthy twins is a wonderful thing. Please know that she isn't sad because she will not experience the joy of raising a girl. She's sad because in her mind, having a baby girl could somehow fill the sadness she experienced in losing her daughter. That simply isn't true, but in her grief it "feels" true.

Allow her to experience her feelings, but don't let her get lost in them. The truth of the matter is that (as Talkstotrees noted), little girls aren't magical and having a daughter won't heal your wife's heart. If she needs grief counseling, then help her see that and find someone who works with families who have experienced miscarriage.

I will say this... I wanted a little girl so badly with my first pregnancy. I grew-up with two sisters and wanted to experience that "from the other side" as a mom. I wanted my husband to have a "daddy's girl" just like I am and I wanted to go to dance recitals and cheerleading competitions. While I wasn't sad when we found out we were having a boy, I will admit (only here) that I was disappointed. Boy clothes aren't as cute, boy toys are still a mystery to me 4 years later and I don't live for Spiderman, but you know what? My world revolves around my little boy. I play trucks, throw the ball with him, laugh at his potty humor and am learning to appreciate Transformers.

We're having a girl this time and I can honestly say that I was completely indifferent about the sex. I'm excited to have a baby girl, but what I have learned and what many moms here will say to you is that you love your child for who he is, not because of his gender. Help your wife celebrate the fact that she is able to nurture and carry two beautiful lives. Who they become is entirely up to your family, not their chromosomes.

I don't think there is much you can do but wait. She will love the boys when they are born. She will love and nurture them as they grow up. At some point she will look back and wonder why she thought not having a girl would create a void in her life.

I have two boys and two girls, both bring something different to the table but I can honestly say having raised two of them to adulthood, both genders are there for you in the same way. :)

Heck think of the money you will save on weddings! :p Seriously, a check and a ladder! I am still trying to sell my girls on that........

How very sad, however, her feelings are very much normal. Dealing with her grief at the loss of the daughter she didn't have will take some time to come to terms with. Is their a way that you might be able to make a memorial for the daughter you lost? A necklace, a momento, a memorial tree or something that will help heal your wife. It helps to have something of remembrance to show that they were in-fact very real, and very much loved. It might show that her feelings are justified, and that she shouldn't feel guilty for having them.

On having twins, that in and of itself is a true gift. A miracle. I can assure you that once she looks onto them, her heart will heal once again. Boys are wonderful. I speak from experience. My son is very sweet, mild mannered, and has a wonderful sense of humor. He has a lot of my characteristics, and it's so neat to watch him learn and grow. I was worried that if I had a boy, he wouldn't inherit any of my personalities, looks, etc. That he would just resemble my husband, since he is male. However, that is so not the case! My son is very artistic, and sensitive like I am. I wouldn't have it any other way.

God be with you and your wife during this time. I will keep her in my thoughts.

I lost a baby girl before having 2 boys myself so I know somewhat of your disappointment. You and your wife both know what an awesome blessing your boys will be. I think it's more about grieving that this was probably your last try and it's the finality of it that she's grieving as well. When we're at the end of our fertile years, it's easy to second guess why we didn't start earlier or what could have been....This is such a natural thing. I think the best thing you can do is just let her grieve, hold her, let her talk etc. Don't try to "cheer her up", just let it take it's course. She'll soon realize that to have twins at her age, she's SO blessed. Best of luck to you both! Congratuations on your babies!!!

My two best friends are mothers of 3 and 5 boys. Neither would know what to do with a girl.
Let her grieve for her loss, because that is what it is. She will come to terms with it on her time, I'm sure months before the boys join this world.

Help her by fixing up a nursery, make it gender nuetral, so that right now it isn't all boy, blue, sports and monsters.

What beautiful answers you have received. I can relate, I had always hoped for girls and now I have 4 boys. When I found out my 3rd and 4th were boys I too went into a bit of a funk. I knew that my feelings would change and that I would not always be sad about not having girls but that didn't make my feelings change immediately. Something helpful for me was just to write down my feelings in a journal and explore all the reasons for my sadness. The other posters are right, as soon as I had my boys I would not change them for anything. They are the family that God knew was right for us. I am so grateful for them. But not too long ago I found my old journal where I had written about my sadness. As I read through I realized how much my feelings had changed and I didn't even notice it happening. I had almost forgotten that I felt that way. But the feelings were very real at the time. I am sure that your wife knows that she is grateful for having boys. She realizes that there are positives to boys too. But you can't talk her out of her feelings just yet. Give her time and space to talk about it or journal about it. There will come a time when she can't imagine anything more wonderful than the children she has.

I haven't read the other answers so you may have heard this already - but help your wife the way you would with any other grieving. This is probably bringing up all of the feelings she had after the miscarriage, and now she's even more hormonal being pregnant. Let her talk it out without telling her how great two boys will be. Listen when she needs you to. And please please please watch out for post partum depression. I think the statistic is that a woman is 10x more likely to develop it if she experiences depression during the pregnancy.

Congrats on your upcoming twins. Mine are 4.5 and it's been so much fun so far! (if you have any specific twin questions, feel free to PM me - there are a lot of twin resources out there I can point you to, or answer questions if you have them).

I understand your wife.
I am a mother of two boys and I have occasional pangs that I am not going to experience being a mom to a little girl, to a young woman, to an adult woman, being a grandma to my daughter's children, have a relationship with my daughter that I enjoy with my mom, see my female genes being passed on...
My husband is against the adoption and he does not support gender selection (I know it is not legal in the US, but in some countries it is and we could have done it if we wanted), and he is done with two kids and no discussion about that. So, this is it for me. I love my boys very much. I also have a friend who has 4 boys because she tried to have a girl...so I understand that sometimes HIS answer is just what it is. I learned to accept this as my destiny and I hope that God will give me some chance in my future to "raise" a female child in some way or be a significant and meaningful part of some woman's life.
I also learned that there are many benefits in being a mom to boys. Boys are simple, straightforward ,energetic, bold and vivacious; it is very easy to shop for them, they do not care about clothes, labels, they wear what I buy and thank me; boys do not gossip about or with their friends and do not care about the "status" of the friend. Boys are very affectionate, they hug, kiss and really love their moms. Boys do not have interest in my creams, shoes, purses or cosmetics. I never have to worry about missing clothes, stockings or a string of pearls; I never have to deal with hair coloring drama or tears over a broken nail. Boys can really give good compliments. It is very nice to walk next to a tall, handsome young man and know that you are his mom, to be proud of him. Boys can haul your suitcases in the airports and carry your shopping bags, they open doors for you and pull your chair in the restaurant. It is a great feeling to be taken care of by your growing son (whether he remembers the parking space in a huge garage and helps you to find it or pulls you back into a raft on the raging river after you almost went overboard). Boys are strong, powerful, full of action and energy. I also know that I will never have to worry about my sons giving birth or suffer from PMS or PPD.
Perhaps with time your wife will learn to accept the hand that was dealt to her and find a joy in it. I love my boys dearly and I am so glad I have them even though a girl would have been nice. What can you do? Just listen and let your wife talk all her sorrow out, and repeat sometimes "I understand." That is all your wife really needs. And lots of hugs.
And Congratulations! You both are about to embark on incredible journey called parenthood!

I thought when I was pregnant with my boy...what the heck am I gonna do with him? I thought a girl would be the only way to be happy. However he is the best cuddler, happiest go-lucky, funniest, sweetest kid. He loves his Momma but is not a Mamma's boy. Nothing will take away her grief except processing it, however bring it up to the doctor as it may be a post partum(partum) issue.

My friend went through this and even had a couple of weeks of post partum (sp). She wanted a girl bad but her 1st was a boy and when she found out the 2nd was a boy she was not happy. After the 2nd was born she wouldn't hold him unless she had too. Her mother stayed with her the 1st week and I stayed the 2nd week. I was ready to pack him up and bring him home until the day before I was due to leave. She changed his diaper and said it smelled like vanilla cake so I knew she was fine then plus he looks just like her. She felt bad afterwards and spoiled him. They did go on the have a girl but I think he is her special person. He is in college now and had never lacked love. I think your wife will be ok after they are born. It may take her a little bit but she will be fine.

First and foremost, congrats... Our hormones can really act out of whack specially during Pg.. just be supportive. Reassure her how much you have to be grateful for, you are getting two at once. Let her know how happy you are. Boys are always mommy's little guy and daddy's little buddy's. You can not plan on what you will have, God has great things planned for these boys. They are a blessing. I love this saying... "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans". Things dont always go the way we want, and God does not make mistakes. Take her shopping, let her pick out somethings for the boys, and you pick out something silly that will make her laugh, get her involved in getting things ready for two boys. You have got to keep her excited, involved and show her your happiness. It will pass and once the babies come, she wont even remember her feelings about all this. I never wanted to know what i was having and the doctor would not tell me, he said it's a 50-50 chance you will have a girl or a boy..lol... Love her and support her, you sound like you are a great husband and you will be a great dad too. Good luck and just be understanding... God Bless you and your new family.

I don't know if this is your first baby or not, but if it is I can promise you that neither one of you has any idea how much you're going to adore those little boys once they get here. It's the most amazing thing you'll ever experience & the sex of the baby barely comes into play at all once you know everyone is healthy & happy.

Let her grieve & she'll move past this feeling I bet before those boys even get here.

I can't personally relate, having 1 boy & 1 girl myself, but my sister has 2 boys & I know she like the idea of a little girl but they're planning on having at least 1 more baby, probably 2 & if they have all boys she'll still be happy. Trust me on this, girls are way harder to deal with, lol! Best of luck to you both!

I have a couple of thoughts here. First, give her the time to grieve the thought of not having a daughter. You are right that this has nothing to do with the boys. It is a totally different matter altogether. Remind her that perhaps one day she will have granddaughters. Something to look forward to. Secondly, don't rule out further pregnancies. You are right that it just may not happen at your age. I'm 45 and still holding out for more children. Both of my pregnancies in my 40s have ended in miscarriage. My last viable pregnancy was delivered when I was 39, and I lost one of those babies (we were also supposed to have twins, but lost one very early on in the pregnancy). I honestly don't know that I will be blessed again, but we certainly welcome more! I have been blessed with 6 living children, three boys and three girls. I can't imagine our house without girls. I can't imagine our house without boys. Your wife should not feel guilty about her feelings. Likewise, she shouldn't spend too much time dwelling on what she doesn't have. We all need more thankfulness in our lives. I imagine that once the fog lifts for her, she will see how truly great it will be for your sons to have a brother each! Perfect lifetime best friends. Such a tremendous gift!!! Congratulations to you two. Bless your sweet wife, minister to her needs and her heart. Perhaps she can develop a sweet friendship with a younger woman who she can encourage and mentor, sort of like a daughter. I have several young ladies that are so dear and precious to me that are half my age, but so very close in heart and mission. They come to me for counsel, we do fun things together, like see plays that my husband isn't really interested in seeing. :) It's not the same as your own daughter, but it is special just the same.

When I was pregnant with my second child and found out it was a boy I was surprisingly a little disappointed. Our first born is a girl and although I knew my husband would love a little boy I was nervous and saddened by having one. I loved my daughter so much and thought I wouldn't know what to do with a boy and worried about being able to bond with him. My mother also expressed her disappointment that we weren't having another girl. I went out that very day to look at little boy clothes and for some inspiration. Well my little guy is here and is two years old and was I so wrong. I love him so much and he is a big time mama's boy. I thought my husband would be the one he would cling too but that couldn't be further from the truth. I was so afraid of what I didn't know. I had all these misconceptions about little boys. All I can say is they are so snuggly, sweet, loving and just plain adorable. Your wife will adjust as soon as they are here. The older they get the sweeter they become. I too had a misscarriage and thought that it could have been a little girl too but once my son was born the loss seemed to fade away. Maybe try to get her excited about her soon to be little guys. Go on a shopping spree and pick up some adorable little boy outfits. I sometimes think the little boy clothes are cuter than the little girls. Best of luck!

Sorry for your loss. Can you gift your wife a nice little bracelet or necklace with the name of your daughter on it? This might be a way of honoring your wife's loss of her daughter.

My son had a friend who lost a son and they had a plaque made up with the child's name on it and it hung on the wall in a prominent place. Not saying you have to go that far but something to acknowledge the child who would have been.

Boys will be boys and they will keep her hopping and on her toes. God bless you both and I hope that the pregnancy and delivery is safe and healthy.

The other S.

PS It is normal to miss what might have been and not know what could have been. We all grieve differently.

She might have been hoping she would get her little girl back. I don't think she is so sad because it is 2 boys , but she is sad because she misses the little girl whom she miscarried. And pregnancy harmones makes everything worse.
She will be fine with the 2 boys, beleive M. boys are a lot of fun as well. Having 2 means double the fun :)
There is nothing much you can do. Just be there for her , let her grieve the loss of her baby girl once again and she will come to terms with the fact that she might never have a girl and love the 2 boys with all her heart.

M., I went through that too, though I did not have an earlier miscarriage. (I'm very sorry.) I do think that your wife is mourning that lost baby as part of her sadness.

That being said, it took me a while to get through it. I always wanted a girl first, and then a boy. I got two boys, and my baby girl is in my dreams. Who knows - maybe she will be my granddaughter one day.

I believe that if you keep her busy (brain busy at least), that it will get better with time, especially if the busyness isn't necessarily about the twins. As she gets closer, she may end up on bedrest. THIS is when she will stop mourning the girl and start worrying about carrying the twins closer to term.

That's what happened with me. I found out at 19 weeks that I had a boy with my first pregnancy. At 24 weeks I went into pre-term labor. That was very frightening. From then on, it was my "job" to keep that baby from coming, and I stopped thinking about not having a girl, and thought about saving my baby.

Hoping very much, of course, that she has smooth sailing with carrying the twins, but I just want you to know that this will get better. And when the babies are born, there is no surprise and that is wonderful. I have always been happy that I knew well in advance with both kids so that I was over the disappointment by the time they came.

Right now, just keep going with life. It will get better.

Dawn

Allow her the feelings so she can move past them. She is most likely greiving because she was hoping she would have another "chance" with a little girl. In time she will get through her emotions of it all. Just stay positive and reassure her that she will be a terrific Mom. Don't go too far with the excitement right now because you could do the opposite of what your trying to do. She may think you don't understand. Let her know you do, express your feelings so she doesn't feel alone in her thoughts. They will brighten!! Congrats!! Just wait until you both lay eyes on them, you realize that there is a deeper love then you could ever imagine!
Take care.

Maybe she will never have a daughter, but she will have 2 boys that she can help shape into extraordinarily loving men who will be great husbands (and will attract loving wives who will become her daughters.)

I have 3 boys, no girls. I am content with that, even though sometimes I see my sister with my niece and have a little flash of mild jealousy. When those feelings creep in, I remind myself that a mother-son bond is no less precious than a mother-daughter bond. Ask my mom, she'll tell you that her bond with her 3 boys is equally strong as her bond with her 2 daughters.

As a husband, make sure that you give her opportunities for girl time. Watch the boys while she does stuff that most women like to do, and to hang out with her girlfriends from time to time.

I am a HUGE advocate for adoption! I have 4 adopted cousins and one of my best friends has adopted 2 children in the past 2 years. She and her husband struggled with infertility, but they now have a 2 year old boy and then just a few months ago adopted a 5 year old girl. My friend is a girly-girl, very into hair, crafts, makeup, etc. Her new daughter is loving it!

My DD is likely my only child. I would have loved to have had a boy. When the ultrasound tech put her prediction on the card and said, "It's a girl!" I literally went to my room and cried later that day. It was the loss of all I dreamed "he" might be. I was shocked by my reaction. DH was shocked, too, and worried I might not love our daughter.

I also experienced a miscarriage (very early and I did not find out the gender) and part of me wondered if that had been my chance at a boy.

My sister, similarly, had her heart set on a girl (3 girls so far in our family) and SHE got the BOY. She, too, said she had to deal with the loss of expectations. I made it a point to find the cutest little boy things I could - to remind her that boys can be cute, too.

I will say this - neither my daughter nor my nephew are unloved. They are precious. Both were hard-fought and hard-won pregnancies. We are no worse mothers for having an initial disappointment. My daughter may not be the gender I hoped for, but she is the child I wanted and needed (who loves both princesses and dinosaurs). I would not trade her for a boy. I love her the way she is. I will get my boy fix through my nephew. I am grateful to HAVE a child. If your wife can dote on someone else's little girl, she may be able to find some of what she was hoping to have from a daughter. (And having a teen stepdaughter, I will say that even good daughters can be...a challenge.)

I think that knowing that her loss was a girl and then not having a girl in her arms to care for and raise might make your wife's grief more acute. If she can't get past it, suggest counseling for her. Getting past it is a process. I strongly suspect that once she holds those precious boys in her arms, she will love them deeply. That she will be the proud mother of sons. She may always on some level wonder "what if" but it doesn't mean she won't love her children.

Congrats on your sons, and good luck for your future. I hope everything goes well and you have very happy lives together.

I don't think is much you can/should say, more then I love you and I am right here for you.
I think is normal she is sad, I also think that she would love her boys as much as she would for a girl.
Maybe is not the fact that are boys but she still grieving her baby girl and that is something I think she always will, just in a different way as time goes by.
Time is a great medicine and having a caring husband and 2 adorable boys would make this sad chapter on your lifes more easy to digest.
Btw, just to let you know, my mom was on her middle 40's when she had my sister, so..., never say never.
Congratulations on your babies!

Normal normal. I was 17 when I had my first and I was young and scared and couldn't wait to meet my little Nichole! I met my Nicholas instead :) in '96 when I was pregnant they didn't give us 3d options and all that so I didn't find out until about 26 weeks it was a boy. So the whole time I've convinced myself its a girl. When I had that song I cried right there in front of my doc and my mom. I said I don't want s boy! Boohooo!! My mama yanked me up and told me your grateful for what the good lord gives you and you pray for health! That's it. She was right! My 15 yr old handsome man is the love of my life! Your being given the gift of two precious lives! Even if they are stinkin boys :)

Dear M.,
Congrats on the pregnancy and twins at that! Wow - prepare for the ride of your life! I do hope you will share my post with your wife.... I felt the same way when I was pregnant. For me, I wasn't so much that I absolutely wanted a girl, it was that all my life I had always envisioned myself with a daughter. I had become attached to that notion. I was convinced that I was having a girl, even against everyone's prediction otherwise because I carried straight out front, and apparently that usually means boy.
I forget how many months I was when we had the ultrasound (I was due a few weeks after my 35th bday, so the insurance paid for a second ultrasound) but without even giving me a chance to prepare for the answer, the tech said, "Do you see it?" And I knew. I was so not prepared for how crushed I was. I didn't realize I was that attached to having a daughter! You both already have acknowledged that desire, and so I imagine it must be that much harder.
Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with any of your feelings! Just tell yourselves you are being ridiculous if you start guilting yourselves about your feelings. It is the most natural feeling in the world to have a preference, being pregnant makes one super sensitive, and having children later in life makes EVERYTHING about pregnancy a big, huge, emotional deal. At least for me it was.
In my case, the sadness only lasted about a day and I adjusted pretty quickly. However, the reason I was excited to respond to your post is because, once I had my son, everything changed. So many things that I thought would be a certain way were different, including many feelings I had projected on to the experience. The happy ending to my story is that as soon as I gave birth, I was overjoyed to have a son!!! I did a complete 180 on the whole gender thing. Now, I am so proud to have a little boy and I cannot imagine it any other way. I don't think I will have more due to my life circumstances and so on, but if I did I dream of having a little flock of boys. In fact, I am honestly scared of having a daughter now that I'm so accustomed with my boy. It is like I gave birth to the prefect dream guy and he's all mine. I'm in love with him and he's so attached to me, it's a beautiful thing. I realize now how it was so meant to be.
This story probably helps your wife more than you, but I hope to convey the hope that, the likelihood is that you and your wife are quickly going to fall so in love with your babies that you will not be able to imagine ANYTHING replacing them. They will feel like the most perfect match for you in every way, and you'll probably laugh at any other notion. Not that you won't still wish for a girl, but there will be no doubt in your destiny to have these boys in your life. I hope that you have faith in this happy outcome! I can't wait to hear the good news when they are born!
-T.

After she has them and they start to grow, she will realize that you fall in love with boys in a way that's very unique to the mother/son relationship. I only have boys, and I am happy with it that way. I would have loved and cherished a daughter, but friends who had daughters first and freaked out a bit over having a boy and "not knowing what they would do with him" have told me I'm right. Those little boys wrap themselves around your heart in amazing ways! She will be delighted (and too busy to think about it otherwise) after they get here. In fact, by the time they arrive she will probably already be past this initial disappointment.

Also concentrate on the fact that you're having HEALTHY babies! I was a later-in-life mother too, and at any age (but especially into the 40s) it's so important to be thankful for healthy babies. That's not to put a guilt trip on her, but it's something that perhaps she should put some focus on now. Right now on this site there are some people who aren't so lucky.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

You've gotten such wonderful advice here, I just want to agree w some of what's been said. Everyone deals with things differently, hopefully she just needs a little time to grieve and heal.. A memento of your beloved daughter, might help ease her pain. Name her and contribute to a worthy girl's charity in her honor....

Let her have her time to grieve, HOWEVER, if it doesn't get better (or gets worse) be sure to get her some help/counseling.

Your sons will ease that ache, but it may take a while for it to heal. That's OK as long as it doesn't go into something else...like a deep depression.

Congratulations on your two little boys. I hope you and are wife have a healthy pregnancy, birth and enjoy those little guys!!!!

I understand, sort of. I have 4 boys. When I found out my second son was indeed a son, and not the little girl I was desperately hoping for, I too was sad and fell into a 'funk' (if you will). I had a miscarriage when I was young and wondered if that would have been the little girl that I wanted. I have such a wonderful bond with my boys and it eeps getting better every year. Let her go thru her emotions and be there for her, that is the best you can do right now. Best of luck with your babies, for babies, no matter the sex, are the best blessings God has ever given us.

can i kiss you ? there arent that many men who will admit that they would rather have a girl, supposedly men prefer little boys, and sadly, society as a whole goes along with this. ( dont even get me started on the nerve of some people, who have told me, "try again, you will get a boy"), HELLO, i gave birth to our daughter in a BATHROOM! not something you want to do twice. anyway, ben, my other half, was thrilled that "frankie" was actually a girl, not a boy, like we had been told. you can always adopt a little girl, china is filled to the brim with little girls up for adoption, you could also take in a foster child, again there are alot of little girls out in the world today ( here and abroad), that need a daddy. you could make a big difference in a little girls life.
K. h.

Hi--

When I got pregnant with my oldest, my MIL and FIL, who had three boys of their own and two grandsons, told us they were praying for a girl. I've never been so offended in my life. I said, no, you're praying for happy and healthy. They argued with me!! I couldn't believe it. I couldn't understand why gender was so important. And I wanted a little boy. My oldest boy is now 7 1/2.

Then I had a miscarriage of a girl. It was awful and sad. When I got pregnant the third time we all thought it was a girl---even the ultrasound said girl. And out popped out this gigantic BOY!!! We were all shocked, to say the least. That little boy is now nearly four. He is beautiful (literally--people tell us all the time what a pretty little girl we have). He is funny and loving and loves to color and play with stuffed animals---he also loves super heroes and wrestling and soccer and hockey and has a protective streak of me a mile wide. I can't imagine my life without him and am grateful every day for the two boys have. I have found that gender doesn't really matter. I can't dress them up in dresses, but really, no big deal!! :-)

Yet, I understand that yearning for a girl. For someone who looks like me. To be able to be in the delivery room when my grandchild is born. To dress up for proms and assist in planning a wedding. It's a grief I've had to process and work through. It doesn't help to run from it--- it is healthy that your wife is grieving her feelings rather than stuffing them. She will never, ever forget her little girl, and she will love her little boys to pieces.

We are discussing having a third baby. I had to get really clear with my feelings because I wanted to make sure I wanted a baby, not a girl. I can honestly say that if I am blessed with a third child at the ripe old age of 39 I would be blessed to have either one. But it's taken me a lot of work and a lot of tears to get to this point. While I still miss that little girl who watches over me from heaven, I am blessed by the grace I learned from her short stay in my life and she has made me appreciate my boys all the more.

This too shall pass. And honestly, I am grateful that I don't have to go through the hormone years and the sometimes dicey relationship between a mother and a daughter--boys are easier :-)

Congratulations on the incredible miracle of twin boys!!
J.

Hi M.. For some strange reason as a child and teen i always said I wanted to have sons.....and always saw myself with 3 sons, now here i am with 4 daughters and a tubal ligation. When we found out my 3rd was a girl i felt pretty sad, kinda like an empty feeling and knot in my stomach, once i had my babyshower and saw all thelittle girl things i got excited again. When we found out baby#4 was on its way i said "for SURE this has to be a boy, what are the odds we'd have another girl" so when i found out it was a girl again i felt alot of sadness and that empty feeling again. and again when the babyshower came and when we put her room together those feeling got less intense....so i guess what im trying to say is that I think she'll come around. I don't know how far along u guys are but if you havent picked up things for the boys yet, do so it might help her feel more excited. or if you havent put the nursery together yet, do it, i think it can help her tremendously. You both seem to be handling your loss differently and i think it's amazing that you're trying to help her with her emotions. I think she will come around once she sees the boys, i really do. Best of luck!

I know that miscarriage is a very private grief, but it is still grief; she was real, and she deserves to be aknowledged. I am sorry for your loss.

I'll bet that your wife is experiencing grief both for the daughter that was, AND the "maybe" daughter.

Before our babies are born, we can dream anything at all for them. They can be anyone, and anything.

When we learn solid things about them, those possibilties narrow. Suddenly, our girl is a boy. Our redhead is a blonde. Our lefty is a righty, our pitcher is a science nut. They are still wonderful little people, and seeing them become who they REALLY are is wonderful. She is grieving the daydream, and that's okay - she can miss the dream, but still love the reality.

I love my life. I love raising my kids. But...what if? What if I had taken that job in Belize, instead of getting married? What if I had insisted on going to grad school, instead of having kids when I did?

Those old daydreams don't ever really go away, do they? And they don't really need to, as long as we don't get too lost in them, and let the new daydreams come, too.

She'll start to dream about her boys, and who they will be. Maybe share what you imagine of and for them?

And, finally - but not the least importantly, congratulations!

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it surpasses our understanding. I also believe we are given the children we were meant to have. Focus on all of the positives of having boys and having two of the same sex. They can share clothes, share toys, have similar interests, be on the same sports teams together (which will be a blessing-you won't have to divide up and go to separate games etc...) I think your wife will fall in love with the boys as soon as she sees them, and the feelings of disappointment will melt away. Little boys are precious. They are usually very sweet and very attached to their moms. I have a girl and two boys. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world. Blessings!

I had a misscarriage but didn't know what it was, I was only 12 weeks (i'm not sure how long you were and if that contributes to it) and chose not to find out what it would have been, anywho we thought my daughter was a boy up until they yelled its a girl and I can say any feelings of wanting a boy went completely away and the room was filled with laughter.
I agree with maybe she'll get her girl in the form of a grandchild one day, maybe she can be a "big sister" for a girl to bond with a child that doesn;t have a mother and fll her void. Im sorry for your loss, i'd say J. let her grieve and b there and time will heal, and she'll be running around chasing those boys having the time of her life once they get here.
What helped M. with my miscarrige was knowing that I would never have had my daughter had I not lost that one, and I would go through any pain for my daughter, so in a way I am greatful it happened and that I was given her instead. Had you had that presious girlyou would not be experiencing this and getting the joy 2 little boys bring, I'm not that religous but I do believe God knew Emmy should be mine...maybe he had a mix up or some other kid butted in line and thats how it was fixed=) i know silly but i believe she is meant to be with M., and i am meant to shape her and love her and watch her grow, and had i not lost the previous baby i would have never knew her. Maybe find a way to let her cope and say goodbye to the lttle girl....maybe go on a boat trip and let go a little bottle filled with a poem into the ocean or something to let her have closure....
on a side note all children are diferent, gender doesnt guarantee liking certain things or clothes, so you can have the same joys doubled with two boys

We did not have our son until I was 40 and I pretty much figured out that he would be our one and only. So yes, I was also sad not to have a girl. That was 6 years ago. Do I still look longingly at pretty girl dresses at the store and feel sad from time to time. Yes. But I love my son and would not trade him for the world or even 2 girls! :0)

So I guess what I am saying is this will pass once she has two happy healthy boys in front of her to love, it will be okay. Let her feel sad for now....she is dealing with the "end of a dream" to have a girl.

and another thing to consider is you never know what the future will hold...

I don't know what you can do to make her feel better, but let her know that you respect her feelings and that it's okay to have these feelings. We didn't find out what we were having with our first and were convinced it was a boy as both my husband and I did not want a girl. When our daughter was born all the feelings of not wanting a girl went away. Once we saw her we were hooked. I can't imagine our life without our daughter. When I got pregnant again, I was hoping for a girl so that my daughter would have the sisterly bond that I experienced growing up. We'll we are having 2 boys. At first I was disappointed, but the more I thought about it, I couldn't be happier about my two boys. I tell everyone, growing up and when we I got married I wanted 2 boys. I now say that God gave me what I wanted with my 2 boys, and gave me what I needed in my daughter.

I can't really answer this question, however, I will say that if she is still
very sad towards the end of the pregnancy, you might want to get her
some help. I know that some people are disappointed by gender, but it
usually passes. Hopefully, she will be excited about her baby boys. There
is nothing like a relationship between a mother and sons. Congratulations.

Very normal and justified feelings.
Before I miscarried my 2nd baby, I was really, really hoping for another little girl. I desperately wanted to give my 1st daughter the sister I always wanted.
So when I miscarried that baby (early) my way of protecting my broken heart was to say the baby was a boy.
I even named him.
Then something unexpected happened. My heart longed for a boy. Baby boys everywhere caused me to tear up.
Silly me-thinking I wouldn't be just as sad.

Now my situation was very different from yours, but I'm telling you if I had known my baby was a specific gender, my heart would ache to fill that void.

I had a necklace made w/ my baby's initial on it. I still wear it and it did help in the healing process. Listen to the ladies suggesting you acknowledge your daughter in some way. It is really important.

I will tell you I did get my boy...and he is so incredibly sweet. I am truly blessed to be his mom. (And my daughter too-lol-but she is difficult!)

Those babies will bring healing in time. I promise.
Someone mentioned adopting and I think that is a great idea to keep in mind! :)

Congratulations!!!

I have a houseful of boys, so I understand the feeling. To get my girl fix, I became a volunteer for a little girl with Big Brother's Big Sisters. I also have a girl dog, that I can dress up whenever I want! It's okay to have some sadness, just get it worked out before those lovely boys get here :)

I have three boys and we are so done!! :) I always joke with my hubby about "job security" bc let me tell you, boys LOVE their mama!! I have three mama's boys over here and I am just the total queen bee around here. I have a husband who adores me and three boys who will spend a life time looking for a woman as good as me ;) I don't know what you can do to help her now exactly, except what you are doing which is awesome. You are letting her have her feelings and not judging, perfect in my opinion. And maybe share some of these posts with her from all of us mamas of boys who LOVE it :D I would have liked to have a girl just like anyone else, but you know now that I have a house full of dudes I am totally content. Wish you guys the best, so sorry for your loss of your little girl. Happy parenting :D