Oversensitive MIL - It's MY Mom!! (LONG)

Your mom is laying on the guilt, isn't she? Her visits don't sound like they are about seeing your family, they are about your family seeing and enjoying HER. She has lost her power over you now, and she can only criticize your husband because you have placed him first in your life. The best you can hope for is for her to develop other interests to take up her time. Vacations are to get away from stress, not drag it along and have it in an adjoining room! And remember, no one can "make" you feel guilty, you can accept or reject guilt. That's your choice. All the craziness is because you've chosen to accept all the guilt she's handed out. It will stop when you refuse to accept the guilt and realize that it's her problem, not yours ( and certainly not your husband's). Ask yourself if you really think you can do anything to change her. No? End of your responsibility, period.

Your mother is a manipulative person. She makes everything about her so that she can then demand other people behave outside their comfort zone to show her importance.

She has done it to you all your life. You were talkative, though, so she could do it through the details of interactions and unreasonable demands over minutia.

Your husband is reserved so the only way she has to keep you and him jumping through hoops is to make his silence a hatred of her.

It will not matter what either of you do, it will not ever be enough. The target will change. The criticisms will evolve and she will continue to keep some hook in both of you to make you change to make her feel important.

This will not get better. This will just keep changing.

Unless your mother decides to get therapy and change herself, you're stuck with her continual dissatisfaction and need to learn to respond by saying "I am sorry you feel that way, Mom. It's too bad you can't see past that to make friends with him" and other such things which leave the responsibility for change exclusively on her rather than encouraging the perception that anyone will force anyone else to change to accommodate her dissatisfaction.

Don't take it personally (It's not about you) and don't get upset or excited. Just look at every forray into the ways that you and he are inadequate to her needs as one more time you need to hold up a mirror instead of giving in.

This will frustrate and anger your mother who has years of practice and is hell bent on getting a rise out of you. She will push you, test you, probably throw absurd drama into the mix for a while. But over time she will eventually respect the boundary that if she wants to be included (which she very much does) she's not going to get her way about forcing people to play manipulation games.

It will be very hard for you to keep it up in the short term, and you will have to be insane levels of consistent to make it work. Everything she says you're going to need to run through the filter "Is this demanding that someone change to feed mom's ego?" and if the answer is yes, then you are going to have to deflect it back to her and her responsibility alone.

But if you can manage it, and the upheaval it will cause in the short term, she will learn the boundary and stop doing this to both of you aside from a very occasional test to see if it works.

She doesn't probably consciously realize she's doing this. And she doesn't mean to be the monster she's being in manipulating everyone. But you can't force her to change, only refuse to take responsibility for her crazy and hope that she chooses to change herself, or that the circumstances will mold her behavior because she wants to see you badly enough to do so even though she's not getting her way, eventually, after the drama is no longer paying off.

It sounds to me like your mom thrives on attention- and she is certainly getting alot of it from you! Your husband takes you attention away from her and encourages you to just "let her be", which she is perceiving as "dislike" when more realistically it is "disinterested".

It's easier said then done, but make have a one-time conversation with your mother. Let her know that you and your husband care about her and want her involved in your life. Also make it clear to hear that your husband is generally a reserved person and that he is somewhat removed from everyone. It's not directed at her and she should not take it personally. Then give her time to "vent". When the conversation is over, let her know that the topic is "closed" and that you will not discuss it with her again. If she tries to bring it up, stop the conversation with a quick "I'm not talking about this with you" and then don't.

I had a similar situation with my husband and my sister. They actually "hashed it out" themselves and are pretty close now b/c they understand one another. Situation was a little different, but they communicated very differently and just needed to learn how the other one expressed interest.

Are you my sister??lol I have struggled for years with my mom- and through therapy on my own part- I learned to tell my mom- it's not all about her. It's hard to hurt their feelings- but you are not doing it intentionally. WE are only responsible for our actions- we can not control how others react or respond to us.....I know it's easier said than done, it's your mom, but that is the best I can offer- good luck!

You probably can't "make" your mom any different. Nor can you change your hubby's basic personality.
When she makes it an issue, I'd just say "Mom, that's just how Jim IS!" or "Don't be so sensitive, he's just being Jim!"
Otherwise, I'd treat her normally.
Don't buy into her drama. It just gives her power in your marriage.

Is it possible that your mom has a whiff of narcissistic personality disorder? You may want to read up on that . . . there is a continuum, i.e., some npd people are not as severely affected as others.

If that's the case you could read about how to cope with her behaviors. From your post it seems that she is using the classic weapon - guilt - to manipulate your behavior and actions.

Don't let her ever come between you and your husband (and it sounds like you have done a great job with that).

Good for you that you respect and love your husband so much . . . and that you want to love your mom too (without going nuts). You are a good person to try and balance all that imho.

You cannot make your mother feel more comfortable. This is her problem. You can be yourself and realize she has her own problems.

I think your husband is correct. he is who he is, You are who you are and your mom is who she is.

It is too stressful to play into her games, always trying to make her happy. We are each in charge of our own happiness.

Look at your child. Would you EVER treat your child this way? Would you ever treat your child's spouse this way? Then why are you allowing your mom, who has always been this way, continue to get on your last nerve?

Instead do not worry any more. Let your mom know you love her . But do not respond to her pouts, whining and unacceptable behaviors. It will be like dealing with a toddler. Use the same techniques. "Mom, I can tell you are frustrated, but you need to stop talking about my husband." "Mom I can tell your feelings are hurt that we did not invite you on our vacation." (then do not invite her, it is not your job to include her. She needs to find a job, hobby and her own friends.

I am sending you strength.

Oh dear. It is so hard to get your mothers to understand isn't it!? Maybe this is what they felt all those years in our childhood! ;)

I do understand,somewhat. My mom is also very sensitive and although it's not my husband, I do feel in the middle of them with my brother. Not the same I know, but frustrating none the less.

I think you just need to sit down with your mom and tell it to her straight. She may not like, and likely she won't hear you or understand what you're telling her, but you have to tell her in no uncertain words what the issues are...how you feel and how your husband feels (but mostly about you since their relationship is already strained!)

It might not fix a thing, but hopefully you can feel good about confronting her and maybe let some of it go and put the ball in her court, so to speak. If you really want to fix the problem it may involve family counseling for the three of you...don't know if you want to go down that road, though!

Good luck, it must be hard on you!

Boy does she know how work you! That is kind of silly about the vacation. The rest of it you are not really responsible for. Your husband sounds like a grown up who can handle himself and if your mother wants to act like that and has done so for her entire life then that is what she wants to do BECAUSE IS WORKS. It must work for her. You can surprise her by letting go of her manipulation and just living your life, vacations, dinners, etc. Your marriage is your marriage and although we marry our families she is definitely too involved. She needs to be encouraged to get other things going in her life. She FEELS left out, but that is clearly not reality as she sounds like she is very included in things. Quit 'trying' to make her feel included. You include her and she can choose to FEEL left out or not. They are two different things. You cannot force other people's relationships. You can assist her in understanding that she has choices and one of those choices is to emotionally exclude herself while she is physically present. Love your husband and love your mother and let them handle their own relationship. You might be surprised when you let go that you will feel freed.

Who says your husband and MIL have to get along all the time? Get the Bewitched series (Elizabeth Montgomery) and watch all the fun between Endora and Derwood. Let them work it out between themselves.

I completely understand your situation. I feel like I wrote your words. My mother and husband are exactly the same. It's uncomfortable whenever they are together. I hope that you find an answer because I'm trying to find one as well.

It may help if you do some research on the Enneagram. It tell about the 9 diferent personality types people have. The book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson is very helpful learning how to deal with a certain personality type, when they are low-functioning. Some reasearch on "Family Systems Theory" by Murray Bowen may also be very helpful to you. Both of those have been worth their weigth in Gold for me. I have a very low-functioning mother who drives me insane.
Hope this helps. A.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like your mother relishes the role of the "hurt victim". She's so used to pushing the right buttons to get the "awwww, mom, I'm sorry" or the sympathy from people.

I hate to say it but since this has gone on for your entire lifetime, I doubt there's really anything you could ever do to totally please her. It also sounds like your relationship with your husband is a strong and good one, and that he is a great and supportive partner. *That* relationship is the one that you should continue to contribute to. I'm not saying write your mom off; I'm saying that if she wants to have a good relationship with you and your husband she needs to meet you halfway.

Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Whenever she starts her "woe is me" drama, just disengage from it. People who seek attention get frustrated if they don't have an audience for their antics, so don't give her the audience (yes, I know, easier said than done).

Good luck - I know this can be tricky at times.