Are We Being Selfish or Is MIL Being Selfish?

Like I have always taught my children, once you accept an invitation you do not cancel just because something better comes along.

Where I do think Christmas is a lot about kids - it's not all about kids. It's about family, sharing, giving, being together. I think you should try for both - early dinner with MIL and then to the party. If the BIL won't have the MIL there (kind of selfish, even if she is dramatic) then MIL will have to deal with it. You are also offering to see her Christmas Day - so she won't be alone for all the holidays. She needs to compromise some and realize it's hard for everyone to try and see each other.

I invite you to go ahead and HOP onto that Holiday Hamster Wheel! Go to both, do it all. She did invite you first, didn't she (drama queen or not) and you can still visit BIL over the holidays at some point. Quick question...why would her ex be at her house for last Christmas and she would not be invited to BIL's house on Christmas Eve this year?

Well, you're right, the other party sounds way more fun and she sounds like a pain, but you said yes to her invite, and it's pretty rude to bail on her because you got a better offer. Also not something you want to teach your girls. I would try as hard as I could to to get her invited to the other party...

Wow. Did you really count how many times she "tooted her own horn" for bringing donuts for breakfast?
I'm just going out on a limb here, but maybe she is really insecure and needs to feel important and needed.
I have a friend who sounds a lot like her and I don't know that she's so much a drama queen as she just really tries too hard to be appreciated and liked.
She is a really good person and she doesn't need to try so hard. Her feelings get hurt very easily and it's because she doesn't think highly of herself.
Anyway, is it at all possible your BIL could suck it up and invite her for Christmas Eve? I mean, here you are enjoying a break from all the cooking and cleaning, but then you get another invitation that will leave your hostess alone the night she invited you. And you see no problem with just doing it the next day instead.
Think for a second how you would handle that if she wasn't your MIL.
Would you ask anyone else to change their plans to accomodate you in such a way?
You have quite a blending of families. So do I. And we have a couple of MIL's by second marriage blah blah blah that dont' get along so it gets tricky, but it seems that you either have to honor your original commitment or find a way to include your MIL for Christmas Eve to soften the blow a little.
My family is scattered this year for the holidays and I can't believe it, but I went to my ex-husband's house for Thanksgiving with him and my son or I would have been alone all day. We actually had a really nice time.

The holidays are about forgiveness and generosity of spirit. No one should be alone even if they are pains in the rump sometimes.
If you don't go to your BIL's house, you will hold it against her because "she pitched a fit" and your BIL will hold it against her because she's such "a negative drama-inducing person".
If you do go to your BIL's, she will be alone on the night she was supposed to host festivities.
She is the one who can't win in this situation if you look at it that way.

I hope it works out, whatever you decide.

OH my God, you've just described my mother. Perfectly. This is right up her alley for drama.

We would try to do both, and WHEN she inevitably protested that we were leaving for the other party *(because there's no way that wouldn't happen), I'd remind her that we have to split time because she didn't want to move the day.

What always works for my mother is to make her suffer the consequences of the decisions that she forces. Usually corrects itself pretty quickly.

Your MIL is being ridiculous for no good reason. She can reap what she sows.

Well IMO, Christmas is about everyone, not the kids, Mom, or any one person.

These situations have already been considered and that is why someone created "Save the dates". So that didn't happen and your MIL asked first. In fairness, she made plans on Christmas Eve, with her Grandchildren and it seems you accepted. What do you think the right thing to do is, when someone else comes along and invites you to a different party? You have already accepted the invitation from her.

While you are not obligated, you should have responded with, "Thank you, but we have made plans for Christmas Eve".

How do you think she will feel when you tell her, "We aren't coming any longer and by the way, where were going...you're not invited". No matter how you put it, that is how it all racks up.

My last thoughts here are, what does your husband say? This is his family and I have gotten myself caught between my husband and his family far too many times. I now let him handle plans with his family because it is too easy to become the target when you are the "In-Law".

Best wishes & Happy Holidays.

If this were one of your children and they had a choice between the super fun party and the boring party that they already had agreed to attend, what would your advice be?

MIL is one selfish cookie! I would try to stay away from her if I could- but since she is family, you do have to deal with her a little...:) I would stick with your plan of going to BIL house and doing xmas eve with them. You offered for her to do xmas day which she has plenty of time to plan. She is just complaining and being a poor sport about it all. I would tell her in a matter of fact way that you will not be coming christmas eve but you would love to come on christmas. she can take it or leave it. your kids will have much more fun with BIL anyways. Don't feel bad about her being alone xmas eve either, I am sure she could toot her own horn enough to get invited to one of her friends dinners or church activities etc. She made her bed with her behavior-let her lie in it. I know I sound harsh, but this has to be done or she won't get it.

Molly

I do see your MIL's point, you did RSVP to her first, but I also see where you are coming from. Is there a way to do both? Tell your MIL that you will be at her place - give her a time frame works for you - then go to your BIL's? Just let her know that you want your kids to be part of the festivities at your BIL's, as well see her, so this is your compromise.

Good luck!

I still don't understand why you can't do both? Go to MIL from 4-5:30ish then go to your BIL - pretty simple.

If they live close is there any way you can do the fun at your bil, but still have a meal with your mil that day. Or lunch with one and dinner with the other. Then she can still have her Christmas Eve. Part of it could be that she is being excluded from family functions the same day, which is probably hard on her even if she doesn't get along well with everyone. No matter what once you reach a decision go with it and don't look back, not always easy. It is hard since she did have the invitation first and you accepted to then back out when a better choice comes along. Hope it all works out and you can do Christmas Eve at one house and Christmas Day at the other.

It's not about who is selfish. It's about what each person wants to do. And.....each person can do what they want. She can still have dinner with her other guests. It makes sense for you to go to the bil's house for all the reasons you stated. I suggest that your husband tell your mil, his mother, that you're going to the bil in a calm and non-argumentative manner. State it as a fact. Don't get sucked into an argument or a "kitchen sink" discussion. Apologize for not going to her house. Be sympathetic.

You've suggested an alternative/compromise. So far she's refused. That's her problem. She may come around when she realizes that her anger isn't going to change your mind. Life is about compromise.

She has created the situation of not being welcome at your bil's house. Making sure she is included is not your responsibility. You could make plans that include her on Christmas day. If she continues to refuse to host dinner on Christmas Day, you could invite her over for desert and opening her presents for a specified period of time; perhaps in the evening so that she doesn't ruin the day with her complaints.

Be matter of fact. Refuse to argue. Be apologetic. But stand your ground.

Later: Christmas is about family and all the family had not spoken when the mil talked to T.. I do not see this is canceling because a better offer came in. Saying it's OK for her to have Christmas Eve dinner is not making a commitment to the mil. It's saying it's OK for the family to go to her house. Only it turns out the family isn't going to her house. I do not see saying it's OK for mil to host the dinner as making a commitment. It's one step in the process of deciding where the family will spend Christmas Eve. Everyone in the family is going to the bil's. Mil isn't invited because of the very attitude and behavior that has created the situation for Stacy and her family.

This is a tough one. I can relate because my MIL threw a fit last year when we asked if she could have Thanksgiving on a different day since we were driving 350 miles on Thanksgiving Day to get there. It is deeper than that, but you get the idea. That being said, I don't think you can back out after agreeing to go to her house. It may not be as much fun for you or your kids, but I have to say that Christmas is actually NOT about the kids and what they want. It is about hope, peace, love, joy, warmth, and all those warm fuzzy things that we are supposed to teach our children along the way. Those things that they don't really appreciate until they are older, if at all.

Since my MIL always...always...always asks us over for a specific holiday 6 months in advance we have learned to say "we're not sure yet, we'll let you know." (Honestly, before this month is over or early January, she and/or her brother will say, "what are you guys doing for memorial day?" One Christmas after dinner, she asked what were we doing for Groundhog's Day!" )

For some reason, she thinks every holiday should be spent together, even the ones at my family's homes. She will turn a one time event into a "tradition" if we let her so I purposely suggest something different the following year so that this doesn't happen.

A little tact and wisdom will go a long way. Since you've already committed to her for Christmas Eve, you really should go. If at all possible, maybe you can stop at the other party afterwards???? Believe me, I know exactly how you feel, but it just wouldn't be right not to honor your commitment.

I think you should probably go to the BIL's house, but understand that you MIL probably isn't being selfish as much as she's hurt. Yes, it sounds like she has a selfish past, but honestly, she's probably hurt and disappointed and then to have her be left all alone??! Think of how you'd feel. I think that either you should do something earlier in the day with MIL or convince BIL to invite her. She shouldn't be left alone without her family, especially since the original plan was to be together. To me, Christmas isn't necessarily about the children, but about the family and someday your own children may be faced with this decision, how would you want them to decide?

Hi T.. I totally get what your saying. But, I think anyone would feel really hurt if you accepted thier invitation and then when something better came along, asked them to change their plans or just cancel altogether. I get along with my MIL fabulously, but I know she would be upset by that, and I wouldn't blame her. I try to think if someone did that to me. If I was having dinner at my house and you said you would come, then you tried to get me to change the time or day. I would be upset too. Not even upset but hurt. Just as you don't want to be a doormat for her, you are asking her to be one for you. You are trying to call the shots, something you call her out on. The fact is you already accepted. If you didn't already accept, it would be different. Then you could negotiate on Christmas Day instead by saying you had already accepted on invite for x-mas eve. I know it's "just her" and you have a family, but just because she's one person doesn't mean you have the right to try and get her to do want you want. She has feelings and believe me I understand drama people, but it sounds like she also really enjoys family and getting together. And that's a good thing for your kids. She may try to hog every holiday, and with that you can have a say and stand up to her, but at least she's not an absentee grandmother. I hope I don't sound harsh, because that's not how this is meant at all! I just hope you try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment and ask yourself how you would feel if your daughter said she would come over for x-mas eve dinner, and you were probably very excited, and then she called and asked you to change it around to accommodate her so she could go to her husbands family party instead because it will be much more fun and you are not invited to that either. You may think you wouldn't be upset, but most people would be. I know you have good intentions and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but the fact is you are hurting your MIL's feelings. I'm sorry, this sucks, I know. But only you and your husband can make the choice. I wish you very good luck with this. :)

Is there any way you could convince your BIL to invite your MIL too? I think it's very un-Christmassy of him to have the whole family over and specifically NOT invite her, knowing she'd be alone on CHRISTMAS EVE (I understand he's not technically related to her, but still...). It sounds like it's going to be a big, fun party with lots of people and activity, will she REALLY make THAT much of a difference being there? If she's not allowed to go under any circumstances, is there any way you could go to the party first, then head over to MIL's place? You could always just tell your MIL that she can host Christmas Day if she wants, but you're going to BIL's party no matter what she decides, then you'll just have to live with the guilt. If you can, with a clear conscience, leave your MIL alone on Christmas Eve, do it. This is a no-win situation for you. Either you give up the fun party and "do the right thing" or you go to the party and risk feeling terrible about it afterwards (especially when MIL starts playing the martyr and reminds you again and again how you all betrayed her and left her alone on Christmas Eve) - you can't win. Unless BIL invites MIL, too.

People with NORMAL MIL do not and can not understand a MIL like this or how tiring it is year after year after year after year.
:0) We changed the holidays and then everyone else learned they can too.
It is much better now.

Drama isnt attractive and maybe more people would like to spend the holidays with you mother in law if she was'nt so self centered. Christmas is about the kids and I think that you should do whatever you guys feel that would make the kids happy. I dont see compromising your childrens happiness to accomodate a grown womans slefish need to brag.

Updated

Drama isnt attractive and maybe more people would like to spend the holidays with you mother in law if she was'nt so self centered. Christmas is about the kids and I think that you should do whatever you guys feel that would make the kids happy. I dont see compromising your childrens happiness to accomodate a grown womans slefish need to brag.

You didnt mention "time frame". Lots of people end up eating two dinners on a holiday in order to appease all involved. Rather than spending an entire day at one, just break the time frame in half. Hit MIL's early and BIL's later in the afternoon? That would be the only way I can see it done without hurting anyones feelings or ruining the fun part for the kids.
We are talking about "grown ups" too, and if you cant make it to MIL's she just needs to "get over it". Don't let emotional guilt trips ruin your holiday.

This is a really tough one b/c growing up, my parents had the "first invite" rule... if we were invited to two parties on the same day and accepted one first- had to go. No cancelling to go to the other.

Is it possible to stagger the day? Normally I'm not a huge fan of this b/c running around is insanity, but you did accept her offer first. I completely see your point, but I would suggest asking her to have dinner earlier or later so that the kiddos can see their cousins and Santa and still have time with her.

Be honest and maybe give her a little time to think about it. If she is really rigid about it- let your husband make the "final call"- it's his family and he'll have to do the explaining!

Ohmygosh! I could totally have written this note. Just change the specifics. My MIL is just like that. Tell us how wonderful she is and what a great thing she did and blah blah blah! I totally feel for you.
She did offer, you did accept, and now you want her to change. With some people it would probably be no big deal, but with this type of personality of course it is. You either need to stick with the original plan or get her to understand. After all it is the holidays and we do have to try and meet so many different obligations. I guess tell her that you've had a change of plans and have decided you'll need to alternate homes on Christmas eve. If she'd like to move the time up or switch to Christmas day you'd love to come, but you're sorry you agreed so early without consulting the other families and sorting the plans.

You are being selfish-sorry. You told her that you would spend it with her and you reneged when a better plan came along. You should honor your committment to her on this. Your BIL party DOES sound to be fun but the grownup thing to do is to visit with your MIL. Now, how I would have handled it is to NOT say anything to MIL and ask her to do Christmas eve early and then stop by the other party when you leave.

I don't have advice, but it sounds like your MIL is a narcissist. Once I learned that my mom had narcissistic personality disorder, it helped a lot. Google around and read a little on it and see if if fits and if it helps you any.

You didn't say how far apart these two events are located? Is it possible to start early at MIL's and then move onto BIL's? That is probably the best option especially since you already told her she could host (if you are going, who is she hosting?).

Christmas is about family but especially kids. That is why I don't go anywhere on Christmas Day...just home w/ my hubby and kids (and I love it).

Since this only happened once, it is NOT a tradition. Sounds like she is trying to make it one. Maybe she is lonely and really enjoyed doing it last year.

If doing both is not an option, could you talk to your BIL and see if he is willing to have her over this time? Otherwise, you may need to pass on his invitation.

It pains me to say it, but I agree with the other mommas in saying if you agreed to let her host Christmas Eve so you need to honor that arrangement. If you celebrate Christmas and not just the secular aspects look into your heart and see she feels displaced and lonely by the thought you would rather be with her ex then with her. I am sure she is a piece of work but the holidays should be about reaching out to those who feel lonely especially your husbands mom.
I have been through SOOO many situations like this with my crazy extended family so I feel your conflict. I would honor what you agreed to with MIL because it really does not teach your kids a very good lesson as SO said to change your plans due to a better offer.
Yes I would be flexible and change the plans to make the kids Christmas wonderful if it were my son's family but as she will not do so, can your kids make a Christmas day plan to spend with their cousins, UGH, maybe at your house??? Maybe FIL would agree to a second appearance as the man in the red suit?
I hope you all make the best of it and have a great Christmas.

If you agreed to go to MIL house before you got the other invitation you should go to MIL house instead. Sounds like it's "YOU" who don't want to go to MIL house. And from what you described I don't blame you.LOL But seriously, from what you described of your MIL I'm sure you are not surprised that she would have this reaction to the news. And to make matters worse she is not invited!
Maybe you could explain to BIL the situation and ask if you can get together the day after christmas or new years day?

If you made a committment to her for Christmas Eve, I think you have to go through with it, at least for part of the evening. I know the other option sounds like more fun, but you probably want to send a message to your kids that they can't just back out of a committment because something better came along. And it's not really your decision on if there's a big difference between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day; obviously it's a big difference to her. I feel your pain, my own mother could give your MIL a run for the money in the drama department. I think you should go to the MIL's house at whatever time she suggested, stay for 2 hours maximum, then say that you have another committment, and leave. Just because she invited you doesn't mean it has to be an all-evening event at her house. Christmas is a busy time of year for many people, and I know of many families who go to one house for early evening/cocktails and then depart for another house for the remainder of Christmas Eve. Any reasonable person would understand that we are all pulled in different directions this time of year (not that she is reasonable, it is apparent to me that she is not). You will not be able to make your MIL happy. Even if you went over there on Christmas Eve, and stayed all night, you will still have to hear about how you WANTED to "betray" her; you might as well make yourself happy, because you will not make her happy no matter what you do! The only reason I think you need to go over to the MIL's at all is because you already told her you would. Give her the bare minimum committment and go on to the other party with a clean conscience.

This is definitely a hard one. As I was reading your question, I was trying to put myself in your position. Every year..something comes up...because we have family that would love to see us ..especially the children during the holidays and it is REALLY hard to accommodate everyone. My husband and I TRY our best to see and make time for everyone, but sometimes..it just doesn't happen that way.

I was thinking..IF you can do both on the same day...everyone will be somewhat happy...I have an idea how your MIL is like..and believe me..I've been there and definitely dealt with that..and I've bit my tongue to the point where it has bled..and enough is enough sometimes.

I say..do both..if MIL can push her gig earlier...great. I know you would rather go to BIL..I would too. Do both and spend as much time with everyone and enjoy. It is a time to be spent with family..even ones that bug the heck outta ya. :) Good luck. Would love to know how things went.

I think you should have your husband decide after all it is his mother and if I understand correctly his bio dad will be at the other party. If he decides to go to the other party have him explain to her ASAP that he wants his family to spend 1 xmas eve with his dad and that you guys will be there with her xmas morning if she still wants to spend the holiays with you and if not you guys will truly miss not spending the holidays with her and if she changes her mind to let you guys know. Im sure if she was a nicer person the other family would want her there and you would want to spend the day with her. We all must be responsible for our actions sometimes. Best of luck.

You seem excited to spend CE w/ BIL so that's what you should do, Aside from the girls, why go somewhere you really don't want to be??????? You and your husband are in full agreement so do what you want and if he starts feeling guilty about letting mommy down, then go to her house for 1 1/2 hours and LEAVE excited about going to BILs for dessert! But, don't stay at MILs just to appease her. She has to be flexible and mature!

well it isn't a tradition yet, BUT she did ask first and you did accept the invitation. BIL was a bit late in the game.
how about a compromise.
talk to BIL and FIL, explain to them that IF they want you guys attending THEN MIL has to be invited too. they need to just deal with her. plus how much negativity can she really express with all those people around.
now, let's say she didn't invite first, AND you didn't accept, it would still be difficult to leave her alone on Christmas Eve.
so get your hubby to talk to BIL and his father, and agree to invite MIL. after they extend an invitation to her, then call her and say this is the best of both worlds: we get to see you twice.
IF she refuses, then decide for your family without feeling obligated to anyone.

As a woman with a MIL annoyingly similar to yours, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you!!! Although going to your MIL's SEEMS like the right thing to do, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to go to the other party. Your MIL is allowed to feel frustrated, but I think it's sad that she isn't willing to make the situation easy for you and your children. MY mother would have changed her party to the next day - no problem! If I were in your MIL's shoes, I would change my party in a minute if it meant making the people I love more comfortable. But that's selfLESSness. That's love. I'm not saying she should change her plans every year and every time something else comes up, but changing this once shouldn't be such a big deal. What does she want? She wants you and your kids to go to her house knowing you'd rather be at the other party all because she's too stubborn to move the date or time. Ridiculous if you ask me! I have to say, though...I think the worse part is her not being invited to the other party. If she came with you, that may soften the blow a little and help her to see how important the event is for you and your children. I have threatened (and so has my family) to stop inviting my MIL to family functions because she makes EVERYTHING so complicated and dramatic, but we always invite her. Always. I'm not saying we excuse her inappropriate behavior, but we do invite her. Is it possible for your BIL to change his mind and invite her....even if it means helping you? Again, my heart goes out to you. I can relate more than you know. You have every right to want to go the other party. I believe in manners, but I also believe in making small sacrafices for the people we love. You'd think she'd look on the bright side...you're asking to spend Christmas Day with her!

I agree with most of the posts but i guess my question would be: why can't you do both? And remember you are going to be a MIL someday as well and as much as we say we will never be like my mom or that MIL .....well, we will in some ways. It just might look different than her but might not feel different to your kids!

Yes, i think she is being selfish but aren't we all to some extent? If you can let her feel loved and appreciated and compromise and stand up for yourself, you have found balance. It is hard, i agree. I hope it all works out for you! Best of Luck and enjoy the season...it really is all about attitude!

Compromise, that's what we do. Go to BIL's Christmas Eve party for a few hours then go to MIL's shindig in the evening.

She can be flexible in her plans and host Christmas Day if she really cares. Just explain to her that it's for your kids to be able to see cousins they never get to see, and if she can host on Christmas Day it would be much appreciated or if she can earlier in the day on Christmas Eve, that would be great as well so that your family can do both.

And no, she isn't even related to anyone at this party... she's the ex... no need to make a whole bunch of people feel uncomfortable for her sake.
Someone said it's about teaching children to keep promises, so you need to go there, but it's also about teaching children to stand up for themselves and remaining flexible too, so they learn not to be a doormat as well.

The way I see Christmas family planning, is it's just that... we all decide what other people have planned and then do our thing during the free time. She is being selfish by depriving you all and starting drama when she can very gracefully accept that you want to spend time with her by hosting on the free night. But she's throwing a tantrum and a pity party. You have to be firm with people and not allow them to guilt you like that.

You're both being normal. You find the cool party appealing - that's normal. She's depressed at the idea of spending Christmas Eve alone while you frolic with her ex and his family - that's normal, too. Divorce continues to be a problem even when the kids are grown - my husband and I face this all the time since it's the second marriage for both of us. It sounds like your husband has no siblings locally so I think you should honor your commitment and go to your MIL's house. I can tell you that my husband and I voluntarily back off all the time as his ex is the only one that is still alone and I don't want to see her alone on Christmas either because I've done that and it's no fun and it does make you sad. And after all, your MIL did invite FIL last year which avoided the problem for you last year. If everybody lives close enough that you can pop into the other party, too, that would be great. And maybe FIL can time his arrival as SC for when you can be there. Everybody has to work together to make these things work but family is worth it - and that's what Christmas is about.

Go to BIL's house. Maybe spending Christmas Eve without her family will snap her out of her me me me world. Your kids not your MIL are what's most important.

EDIT:
Oh sorry, MIL and FIL are divorced.
My mistake.
---------------------------

BIL should have been the one... to deal with HIS Mom... about planning the dates for the dinners.
It is HIS responsibility... not yours.
You were just the one's that were invited. NOT the planners of the events.
You should NOT have to do, the dirty work, of 'asking' your MIL to change her plans....
Or, your HUSBAND should be the one, to do that.
Not you.

Next: did your BIL invite HIS Mom to HIS event???? Or did HE exclude her?? If so, that is his problem... NOT YOURS.

Next: Your FIL even volunteered to be Santa at your BIL's dinner event on Christmas Eve. So... HE is going against his own Wife's plans... for dinner that night. Too.
So, how can FIL be a Santa at your BIL's dinner... but yet... your BIL does not even want to invite his Mom... to HIS dinner????? See what I mean???

Again, you are only the invited "guests" of both parties. NOT the HOSTS. THUS, is it your BIL and your MIL... that has to figure this out.
They are making YOU/Hubby... stuck in the middle of this crappy Drama..

And... no one, wants to spend Christmas Eve... with MIL.

all the best,
Susan

Is it possible to go to both places? Give timelines as to when you will be where and that you would love to accomodate both and that you will just have to limit the time with your MIL and BIL in order to accomodate both invitations. I know it is a lot, we have done it many times in the past, but it would be sad to leave your MIL alone on Christmas Eve and of course the kids would definitely be upset not to be able to spend time with their cousins, etc. If that doesn't work, talk to your BIL about the situation and see if he would reconsider inviting MIL that way everyone is together. Good luck.

DO what is best for YOUR family. I told my MIL that I would not drag my kids away from their toys on Christmas day to go to her house for an hour to go to grandpa's family's house (her husband's) for a bit then to go to just see my family. I invited her to do the morning with us after we opened gifts from santa but with my kids still in PJ's. The we go to the family's. When we get home my family can come over to "see" what we got and if they want snacks it will be whatever I have on hand or they bring. It has worked great and I am more respected for stating my piece. So I hope it works out for you too. At some point it will. and MERRY CHRISTMAS! =0)

Sounds like you've got a great hubby! Go tell him so!
Have fun at your Christmas Eve party with your BIL. If you do decide to go to MIL on Christmas day don't forget that its okay to leave early if she starts with the drama. Your family is you, your hubby, and your children. Everyone else is secondary. Merry Christmas

I would see if your MIL would have hers earlier so you can attend both. I would also feel really bad leaving her alone on Christmas Eve. I think a lot of people missed that you said your BIL has a different Mom. I don't think there's anything wrong with him not wanting his ex-step mom there. What does your husband want to do? If he also wants to go to his brothers, I think he should tell his Mom you guys would like to attend both places and would like to do an early dinner. Maybe suggest dinner then you can spend more time together on Christmas.

She's selfish. Sorry, I have no solutions for ego-centric people. A normal person would say, "sure, I'll just do it the next day."

A lot of people are suggesting to split up the evening. Personally, I do NOT recommend that. Coming from family with divorced parents, and also a husband with divorced and remarried parents, let me say, running around to make 2 events on one night is very stressful on kids, who then spend a frantic portion of the day/evening in travel and transition to preparing for moving to the next location, and obviously missing things in both places. You end up hurrying through things to make it someplace else by a certain time. Everyone gets stressed, and it is a recipe for major guilt trips from even generally understanding families. DH's Dad often lamented he was tired of feeling like a train stop on Christmas. Well, HELLO, we're tired of feeling like the TRAIN! We won't split a day or evening now that we have our own children.

I'm sorry your MIL isn't more flexible, but it isn't right to back out once you've said you will be there. There will be other times for the kids to enjoy their time with the cousins. I would tell BIL you are very sorry to have to decline, you wish he would have asked you earlier, because you've already made a commitment. I would also make sure to tell him you sure hope to accept the next Christmas Eve, holiday, or family gathering invite. Very disappointing, but if you don't want to spend Christmas Eve with her next year, make other plans earlier, and don't feel guilty then about declining, even if she gets upset about her "tradition"

MIL is being very selfish. It sounds like she tries to induce guilt on your husband and you. If its anything like my MIL, she has been doing this forever. Go to the party you want to go to, have a great holiday. If she wants to start drama, she can do it byself. I wish there was a way to make everyone happy, I face the same problem every year since we have kids and 3 sets of Grandparents. You will never make everyone else happy, so you might as well make yourself happy! Happy holidays (for real though, have a great Christmas!)

Well it sounds like you and your husband are on the same page. I would only be concerned if my hubby was upset that his mother is upset. If you are having to place peacekeeper I wouldnt worry about it! Dont worry about the drama queen and enjoy your holiday plans with your kids and family.

Very nicely written and entertaining too ;) We have the same type of drama in my family, with my mom! I try to be considerate of her feelings CONSTANTLY, but she is always thinking about herself "#1"! It drives me crazy, because she fails to see the big picture when it doesn't benefit HER. One of the posters mentioned "bailing on her, because you got a better invite and to try to get her invited". I agree with this because I have a conscience, BUT....really she should have the sense enough to see that you want to go to your BILs for the girls to enjoy their only Christmas when their 6 and 9 (next year 7 and 10, etc.). I would try to break it up and have breakfast with her or something if she's so deadset on Christmas Eve. I've started setting boundaries with my Mom with smaller things and I think she is having an easier time with the bigger things. They need to give up that need to control and respect our decisions...we're adults for godsake! Goodluck, she sounds like a piece of work!

You are funny :) Go to BIL house. Merry X-Mas!!

MIL are so DIFFICULT!!!! I would do exactly what I wanted. I would take your kids to the party with all the cousins. Why should they miss out because she cannot bend. I would talk to her one more time telling her you kids really want to see their cousins, so could you please change the day so they can see everyone this Christmas! If she gong to be all drama like, I would tell her sometimes in life changes happen and this is one of those times. I am sorry we will miss you this year, but will stop in before Christmas.

Why can't you tell your MIL that you'll come to her home for an hour and then you are taking the girls to your BIL's house? Even with all the theatrics, she is still your husband's mother and she doesn't deeserve to spend all of Christmas Eve alone. That just doesn't say holiday spirit to me. Good luck!