Daughter's Future Inlaws

Maybe they're shy, or they're hoarders.

Yes, invite them over. You may always have to be the one to initiate things.

Have fun at the wedding!

I think that a cook out sounds great. If you reach out to them and they don't respond, then you know you at least tried. When my sister got married, my parents met her in laws at the rehearsal dinner, and I thought how sad. They never really were interested in getting to know anyone and my sister eventually divorced. Anyway, I think it is awesome that you are a great parent and grandparent. Lots of people don't get that in their lives.

My own mother in law could have written this, and it would break my heart. My parents are older and just not nearly as involved as my husband's parents. And honestly, they've met my in laws and don't have a tremendous interest in getting to know them. I can't blame them. I get along very well with my in laws, but my mother in law is a piece of work. It's taken 27 years of knowing her to get to this point in our relationship. Her own daughter won't talk to her, and her sons avoid her. She's a difficult, invasive person. And my in laws involvement is ALWAYS a blessing in their eyes. In my eyes, it's often a blessing, but a lot of the time, it's just invasive. For example, they bought so many clothes for my kids as toddlers (great, right?) that I didn't get the opportunity to pick out anything for my children myself. For one birthday, they got my 4 year old son 35 short sleeved shirts, in addition to pants, long sleeved shirts, shorts, and jackets. I should be grateful for such generosity, right? But I felt cheated out of the opportunity to pick what I thought was cute. She got to dress her kids, but I didn't. And where the hell was I going to put all those clothes!? It was the same with books and toys. So many that my own parents felt like they couldn't get books or toys for my kids because my mother in law had already covered all those bases. It was not unusual to get literally over 100 books in a single birthday. And while giving presents, my in laws wouldn't stop and engage with the child to see their reaction, they'd just keep pulling the gifts out, one after another, with comments about how great each thing was. It was overwhelming!

I know my in laws think my parents' gifts are too small (two small toys or games for each birthday or christmas, which to me is absolutely appropriate), and that they're not as involved as they should be. But to me, it's all appropriate. Where my in laws are concerned, their motto is "more is better" - more time, more gifts, more everything. It's too much. Please don't judge them for choosing differently, and there may be a reason why they don't want to find out more about you.

Invite them, by all means, but please don't judge them.

Eta: sounds to me like they were none too pleased that they had a baby out of wedlock.

I have to address what you said about watching their grandchild. Your daughter's child is her responsibility. Not theirs. If they choose not to babysit that is their business. They have raised their children and are choosing not be be free babysitters. I think that you helping out is your choice. Good for you and for your grandchild.

Chances are they are not as social as you. So go ahead and invite them for a BBQ. Keep it simple and quick. Perhaps you can even invite them for lunch or coffee and cake? But I think it's a very nice gesture.

Of course, invite them. But if they are not social, then they're not. I'm an extrovert, I can talk to ANYBODY - I mean, I can strike up conversations in elevators, I'm that social. Other people aren't. My hubby is NOT social. I encourage, but don't push. Sometimes people can't get past the awkward and just don't do well.

As long as they treat your daughter well, you're good. Anything deeper is great.

Personal FYI - my family all lives in different cities, but my inlaws don't chat with my parents. It just didn't fall out that way. But my older sis and my Mom-in-law are friends. Whatever happens, happens. Let your son-in-law know that his family is welcome.

I wouldn't compare relationships. My mom is long distance and my ILs are in poor health. But they all love DD. You said yourself that you don't know them well, so you don't know if they have reasons. My MIL would love to do more with DD but autoimmune diseases have gotten in her way. We accept the limitations and I bring DD there when I can stay. If anyone told me that DD didn't have good grandparents because they didn't babysit her all the time, I'd be offended.

You can't force it, though. If they are not going to be your friends, but neither are they your enemies, then just let it ride. Maybe something down the line will click. Took til my SS was grown for him to realize that he and his uncle (my BIL) have a lot in common.

By the way, I am very introverted and maybe they are, too. If you are extroverted and they aren't, it will take longer to get to know each other. Be friendly, but let them have their space. I frankly hate chit chat but if you get me going on a subject I love, one on one? I'll talk your ear off. My BIL is the same way, to an even greater extreme.

After 33 years of marriage, I have realized not all families are the same.

I have learned some families do not know how to socialize.

Some families are a bit clannish.

And some families are just plain clueless.

You cannot change them.
So what I always have done is at least made the offer. Every time I felt it would be a good idea to include them I made an effort to include them and invite them. I tried to bend to their needs. I offered any way to make it easier or convenient for them.

Stay as lady gracious and let them know you honestly would love to have them join in and then they cannot say they did not feel welcomed or included.
(I saved all of the, guest lists and emails)

IThe very few times they attended, they squirmed, they looked uncomfortable and they seemed like they were searching for the exit.

They would make promises to us about our daughter, her event., they actually would say I did not give them clear information. . etc. and then not follow through. Once she was about to graduate from High School, she was 17, I was done with them.

They told me they were not going to attend her Awards ceremony, then not going to attend her graduation party, and then not attend the graduation! They have always lived in the same city with us, 20 minutes away.

Their lack of effort, their broken promises and the disrespect they gave my husband, was just too much. I vowed I would no longer be the one to reach out to them, to include, invite or even consider their opinions.

And so I have encouraged my husband and daughter to continue to love that part of their family and I have no regrets.

FYIm, they continue to do these behaviors to our daughter and my husband.
They accept this behavior and treatment, through gritted teeth, but I am out of it.

I agree with the previous answer but just wanted to add that if they do not seem to be very interested in building a relationship then you let sleeping dogs lay as you said. What matters most is that there is a good relationship between them and the couple and between you and the couple. Anything on top of that is icing on the cake.

It could be they are shy. It could be they are anxious people. It could be they are extreme introverts. It could be they are socially awkward. I say definitely try and invite them and be welcoming. At least you can say you tried later. Some people are very reserved and it takes them a long time to warm up to people. I think it would be really nice of you to reach out and make the effort with them.

I would invite them. Take what you can get and try not to expect too much so that you aren't disappointed if they either don't come, or don't act like they care when they visit.

They might not be interested now, but things might change as they get older. They also won't be able to blame distance on YOU.

Could it be they are embarrassed and uncomfortable with having the cart before the horse? You seem to write and act like it's totally normal to have a grandbaby from an unmarried daughter. And if it were my son, I'd be a bit bummed that the marriage didn't happen first. So perhaps that contributes to the awkwardness? Don't know for sure how educated or rigid or high their expectations were of their son.

Anyhow, that's what the rehearsal dinner is for and is all about. Focus on that occasion to help break the ice.

GL!

I would invite them to the BBQ. The rehearsal dinner is too 'formal'. I prefer a more relaxed atmosphere to talk and get to know people.

I think you are wrong to be critical of their choosing to be involved as grandparents, not as free babysitters. They have raised their children and raising their grandchild is NOT their responsibility - it is the parents'. If you choose to babysit - that is your choice and I am sure your daughter appreciates it, but it certainly does not make you the 'better' person.

I would invite them over, but I would personally do something more like lunch at a restaurant since you don't know them well. A cookout might be great, or it might be awkward. A restaurant might just be a bit more comfortable. Then if you guys hit it off, something more personal would be great. If not, well really, you are the parents of the person their child has chosen, not a friend they have chosen. I think it is a lot of pressure to expect to bond instantly with them.

What you're saying about the babysitting is that the child in question is their son's child and not his step child right? The point you were clarifying was it was his child, before they're married, not a step child for them to watch.

It sounds like they have a full and busy life. So don't judge them by what you do or don't want to do.

I am raising some of my grand kids and so is my ex. Both of my grand kids that I am raising have different dads. Neither one of those grandparents have any interest what so ever in even saying him to the kids if we run into them at Walmart.

This is their flesh and blood and they act like your daughter's soon to be in-laws.

I would ask your daughter to ask her fiancé what he thinks, I mean, it's his parents and he knows them the best. My now ex-inlaws lived not even 10 minutes from us and they only saw our kids, their ONLY grandkids, on bday's and major holidays. They didn't even call to talk to them. They loved them, but just were not involved and I learned that quickly so I didn't take it personally. They didn't have friends and just kept to themselves. So that's what I would do. Good luck.

I don't think it could hurt to invite them over, but I would run it by your daughter and see what her opinion is first.

Also, you can adopt me and be my kids' grandma too, if you want.

I always preferred to keep the families as separate as possible. Just keep in mind, they will be your daughter's family not yours.

Perhaps they lack conversational skills. Perhaps you need to get the conversation going. Ask your future son-in-law about their interests and then plan an informal get together at your house. The bbq sounds perfect. Your daughter and fiance will be there to help with the silences. Steer conversation around their interests some of the time. Be relaxed and quietly friendly. I suggest it will just take time for them to feel comfortable.

I suggest that not asking questions does not necessarily mean they aren't interested tho it may. I wouldn't take their silence personally. Some people aren't really involved with life and some are serious introverts. See you taking the lead as a way to get to know them.

That's what rehearsal dinners are for. Lol.
If you had felt a connection with these people, it would be different. But honestly, inviting people who have bary spoken to you for a social gathering? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
There will be PLENTY of opportunities after the wedding.
Good luck!

I think that you should invite them over. I think that you should never stop inviting them, but don't get pushy. ALWAYS extend an invitation to them, and let them find their way to you. It's likely as simple as differences in personality. They might need to get used to being connected with other people...being "family" with others. Keep the door open. Letting sleeping dogs lie will pretty much seal the relationships right where they are, leaving little to no room for them to eventually come around. Don't make it about sharing grandchildren at this point. Make it about your children sharing a life together, letting them get to know who's spending intimate time with their child and vice versa.

My mother has babysat my children since they were born. She is very close to my children. My husband's mother lives only a few towns away and we see her maybe twice a year. She choses not to be in their lives. I have tried to make attempts but she is someone who just does not have any interest in children- her own or her grandchildren. It amazes me that people can be like this because our family is so close. It's hard for my husband sometimes because our family is so close and he is not used to it and sometimes he feels smothered. I think everyone is just different in how they interact with families. If you want to know them better, have a party, invite them over and see how it goes. But, don't be surprised if they decide not to come or do not interact much. But, at least you tried.

My parents and my younger sister's in-laws don't get along that well. There have been some serious issues in the past, but they sometimes get together for dinner or something and the tensions ease. It helps.

When my MIL comes to town, same thing, we all get together. When we happen to be in the same place as my older sister's in-laws, everyone gets together and it's fine.

So yes, I think it would be good to try and meet up before and just talk. It can't hurt. And maybe if it's a BBQ type setting it would be easier to enjoy each other's company than something formal.

This could simply be their personalities, which you will need to accept, as being different from yours. Ask the daughter and soon to be son-in-law what they think of the idea and go from there. I would invite them and if they came or not, I would not let it bother me.

They could just be very introverted people and we all assume that grandparents will be falling all over the grandkids, wanting to see them and babysit them - when realistically this is not always the case. It's hard to understand, but it happens a lot.