My sister-in-law is single with a 21 year-old son who is still at home and she just went through a divorce. My husband (her brother) and I have 2 young children. Since I met my husband, I have gotten the feeling that she doesn't really care for me. She is 1 of 2 children in a family that is quite close and I am the oldest of 8 in a family that is somewhat disconnected, so we come from completely different backgrounds.
Since we met, my husband and I have hosted his parents for dinner, especially when our children were very young. They would come often to visit and when I was making dinner anyway, we would invite them to stay. There have been other times that we ran to grab dinner or go visit family together. It’s almost always a last minute plan. We also host larger family gatherings where my sister-in-law and her son are invited. We get together a lot more with his family than I ever did growing up. She doesn't invite me or my children to do things. It's kind of a one-way street.
I have invited her to do things at least 2 dozen times in the last 6 months, but something always comes up with her. I just invited her to come to Disneyland with us, but she couldn't. We just went out for the second time in 8 years last night and it was my effort, again. At dinner, I told her we were going to San Diego with our kids and were going to invite their grandparents. My MIL actually requested that I tell her this so that it didn't seem like a secret. My husband didn't want me to say anything because he thinks this is ridiculous to have to "ask permission" (that's how he sees it). She didn't take it well and it ended up taking 3 hours to try to listen to her and explain that I just wanted everyone to be happy.
My sister-in-law has told me that she feels left out by her whole family and like she is not treated like part of the family. She also told me that her relationship with my husband hasn’t been the same since we met. I am trying to figure out what I am doing that I can fix. My husband doesn't usually want the whole family to come to everything and coming from a big family, I am not used to always inviting everyone. He doesn’t understand why I care, and he doesn't take the reins to deal with this, so I feel like I end up looking like the bad guy. I have tried, honestly, to be the best in-law that I can be. Sometimes my husband and I want our kids to enjoy their grandparents and have that more intimate time with them.
I have told her that even though it's only 2 of them in her family sometimes we love would love everyone there, but sometimes we want the setting to be a little more intimate. Sometimes a family reunion is great, and sometimes our kids with their grandparents feels like the most appropriate dynamic. I feel like I am carrying the responsibility to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, and I am feeling very overwhelmed.
I am not purposely leaving anyone out. I am just being myself and acting in the way that comes naturally to me. I realize that I have room for improvement, but I am also tired of walking on egg shells. It's getting to the point that I am starting to shy away from inviting my in-laws to do things with us because I don't want her to be so hurt. I don’t want my children to miss out on their grandparents because a wedge has been put between us. They are starting to act less enthusiastic about participating in our family as much too because they are worried about how she will react. I feel like if my sister-in-law gets what it seems she wants, nobody wins. My children don’t have all their grandparents and these two mean so much to them.
I think that her hurt stems from a lot more than just me, but that I am the easy target. She feels like my husband was the perfect child, and that our children have gotten more of her parents attention than she has. It sounds silly, but I have never been at such a loss on how to handle a situation. She hasn’t hurt my feelings, so we don’t have anger back and forth. It’s pretty much one way. I feel blamed for her lack of a relationship with her family. I told her that she should try to make dinner and invite them to go do things. I feel like it’s not my fault that she isn’t nurturing her relationship with her family. I didn’t have a super close family, so sometimes I feel guilty about how much I embrace the closeness of my husband's family, but I am so grateful for this wonderful chance to be part of a family that is close, especially the grandparents to my children who want to be such a huge part of our lives.
I have prayed for help to know how to deal with this, and then I remembered my Mamapedia family too. I thought maybe someone has been through a similar situation or has an idea on how to approach this. Thank you!
All you can do is love her and let her be the person she is. I have this issue as well. From my experience having a heart to heart with sil doesn't help. Having family intervention doesn't help. Just keep being nice to her thats all you can do.
I suggest that you're trying too hard. You cannot change the way your sister-in-law feels. She's right. Her relationship with her brother has changed. It's the normal way of things when life changes. Either we change along with it or we feel left out. Your sil hasn't changed. It's her choice and you cannot fix it.
Having recently divorced is also a cause for feeling left out. It's just the way it is after a divorce. You cannot fix it. It's her's to deal with.
This is not your problem. Your husband is right. The only thing to deal with is your feelings. Why do you care? I suspect you're the one who wants to please people. You see your worth in having everyone mostly happy. some people you just cannot please. Your sil is one of them. Find a way to let go of the need to make her happy.
Positive affirmations have always helped me. Every day tell yourself that you are a good person, that you don't have to fix your sister-in-law. Focus on the good parts of family. Continue to have a good time with those who love you and accept you as you are.
Your SIL may be feeling lonely since her son is growing up and her marriage has ended. Have you tried asking her what she would like done differently? Have the two of you ever spent time alone together? And sometimes we just need to open our hearts and homes to two more people, even if we'd rather not right then.
I agree with the other responders who say you can't fix this, but you can act with compassion toward a person who is going through life changes that can be difficult.
My SIL doesn't get invited even on our vacation because I want my child to have time with the grandparents. When she is along, even though her kids are full grown, she changes things.
I know it is hard, but I would not do anything differently. The problem is hers and you are the scapegoat.
Hi E.,
I seems like you are doing a great job with your husband's family. Your husband's sister may just miss the relationship they had when he was single...well, time marches on, if she had someone in her life right now (a significant other), she would proabably not be feeling left out.
I think the ball should be in your husband's court, perhaps you could suggest that he take his sister out to lunch, a movie, bowling, or something they would both enjoy every now and then (just the two of them).
As for you, you're doing you share and more.
This is not your issue - it's hers. How often does she invite all of you to her place? Because the door swings both ways! It isn't your responsibility to keep their family together. And her relationship with her brother has most certainly changed since the marriage. That's what is SUPPOSED to happen when you get married. It's in the vows: Gen 2:24 "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." I'll take a stretch to say that sentiment includes sibs. When you marry and have children your nuclear family becomes the center of your world and that is how it should be. I wouldn't change what you are doing to please her because she isn't going to be pleased either way. Invite her from time to time as you usually do. I know since i have had kids we rarely see my husbands family. But we have always been the ones to travel to them and they never make the effort. Well, now I don't work and its too expensive to go often. They may be resentful but I invite them regularly and they don't come. So be it. We put our family needs first.
You sound very caring towards your husband's family. Your SIL is at fault here; it's NOT your fault you want your children to have a relationship with her grandparents and she feels this eclipses her spotlight.
I know that going thru a divorce is one of the most stressful experiences in life, my mom divorced and never recovered financially or emotionally. Your SIL has to deal with this feelings on her own(feelings that are valid since she is going thru a tough time) however, You cannot make her happy as much as you try. She has to understand that your children deserve a relationship with their grandparents as much as she does.
Keep doing what you're doing, just by coming here and ask this question, shows you care a lot about your SIL.
I think it's great that you are having some visits with the whole family and some visits just with the grandparents. To me this is how a family is supposed to work; it's next to impossible to work everyone's schedule at the same time, every time.
ETA: I also agree that confronting her about it will not work, just keep being your polite self and be a good listener to her but don't cheat your children out of a relationship with their grandparents just to spare her feelings.
Stop trying to please your sister-in-law. Her relationship with her brother is between the two of them. Just let her know you'd love for them to be close and are not standing in their way. Then go about your own business of taking care of your own family and enjoy the times you can spend with your extended family in whatever groupings they come to you.
Oh, and books on "boundaries" by Henry Cloud (and sometimes co-author Townsend) might shed some light on your family dynamics, and help you find peace in the midst.
First off, you wrote an extremely thoughtful question, and worded it with compassion and no blame. It is very apparent that you care and are kind.
I think that you have done all the right steps. I would never be hesitant about your plans and continue to invite the grandparents as usual. You have explained your thoughts on the situation, and now you need to let go and move on. How she responds is up to her.
I come from the super close family, and know that sometimes it is hard to navigate the closeness. Between me and my husband, we have six siblings..four of whom live in our neighborhood. We all had to realize that you just can't invite everyone to every single thing, but drop ins are always welcome. There have been hurt feelings and many apologies, but such is life with a big group.
Keep making overtures to your sil, and invite her to join you. I believe being invited makes all the difference in the world, even if she doesn't accept. The only thing you can control is you and your reaction. I have a feeling, that no matter what you did she would find something to be unhappy about.
Shes vulnerable since shes single. Her kid isn't around, so there is probably a very lonely feeling going on for her behind the scene. I am sure her parents mention in passing that they were at your home again, and they probably had a good time. She however, missed out on that. I bet when she was married or in a relationship, it didn't matter as much.
Your not doing anything wrong. Just add her in occasionally and just let her feel left out. She is going to sulk, and be hurt for a while and it will go away. Its her fault that she feels this way. The door swings two ways, I am told all the time. If she feels disconnected with her brother, she can invite, and she can entertain you. I am going through a rough time with my sister. I know what the feeling of trying to keep it together, can be. After I came to the conclusion my older sister is just a bitter, un-happy woman and doesn't want to change. I stopped bending over backwards to appease her. Its getting better!
Sounds like you and your SIL are both going thru difficult times. This could make it harder for you to deal with each other's weaknesses and paranoia. But wouldnt it be great if it could bring the two of you together, as the family you are? Have you told your hubby he should be reaching out to his sister more as she goes thru a divorce? Can he give her extra attention right now?
Have you tried involving her with you and your kids? Keep praying that you can help her feel closer to all her family, she may really need it and it would be good for your husband to be caring and helpful to her right now rather than withdrawn.
Well, my opinion is that you should NOT be taking on her negative emotions, because they are the result of her own insecurities & issues & even if you bend over backwards for her, she will most likely still be overly sensitive because she has her own, personal hang ups she needs to resolve. Hang ups that have nothing to do with you or your family.
My advice is to stop trying so hard to please her, because you probably never will. If she wants to spend more time with her family, then she can also plan things - you're all adults and it's a two way street. You didn't mention her ever inviting anyone to do anything, so it sounds like she wants people to come to her & baby her. Too much drama from an adult, if you ask me.
I haven't read the responses, so I apologise if I'm repeating. This sounds like jealousy. It's not up to you to fix this, it's between your SIL and your in laws. I would be suggesting to your MIL to reach out more to her daughter.
I have a different take on this.
When I was a child my mother chose not to be involved in my father's family. So I did not know his parents or sister (and a host of extended family) very well growing up. After my mother passed away, in my teenage years, we began to spend more time with his family. I discovered that I had missed out on an entire branch of the family that I had much in common with. I became very close to my Aunt (Father's sister). She is a hugely important part of my life, even now at 47 years old, and is very close to my son, who is almost 16, since his birth.
My son is also close to my sister, his Aunt.
I think that Aunt's (and Uncles) are important to our children - they are part of a nuclear family. As children grow they get to hear stories about their parents that no one else can tell - as siblings have different relationships than parent to child.
Maybe, so as not to overwhelm yourself, invite your sister in law over separately once a month for an afternoon meal and a DVD. Give her a chance, let her hang out with your children and develop a relationship with them. If she is feeling lost and alone with the divorce and an adult child she may welcome the chance to be a part of young children's lives once again. I would think she would feel hurt being told "that even though it's only 2 of them in her family, that adds another dimension to the situation" - it is excluding her from what she perceives as family time, and she is family.
My Aunt has brought such joy to my son and me that I can't imagine life without her in it. I accept that my mother had issues, but a part of me just feels that she was unfair to us by not letting us get to know my father's family while we where young.
Anyhoo, JMHO
Hugs.
One Big Happy....is always easier than flying solo. Your kids will have the same relationship with their grandparents + they will gain the added bonus of a great relationship with their only paternal aunt/cousin. A win-win situation.....if you can learn to expand your heart, soul, & comfort zone.
Truly, if you would just let go....everybody could be happy. As the only sibling to your husband....of course, your SIL feels left out. I have 1 sis & 7 ILs. I love spending time with my family, & I have to admit we feel left out if we're not included...even if in thought only. It's not a "baby" thing, it's not insecurity....it's simply when part of a small family - you want to hang together!
You are feeling like the "bad guy"...& that's how I read it too. Sorry.
One Big Happy....quit drawing lines, quit trying to provide something singularly for your kids when they could have something so much better! :)
I would tell her to take it up with her brother. He does the inviting when it comes to his side of the family.
I do think it was a mistake to get into the "adding 2 more people adds another dimension...." Although that may be true, I understand why there may be hurt feelings over that comment. The bottom line is though, this is between your husband and his sister. Don't let them put you in the middle:)
I've known my husband for 25 years and we've been married for 20. For the first 24 years we were together, I honestly thought both his sisters didn't like me. We had a light bulb moment a year or so ago when I was lamenting about how his sisters basically don't even talk to me at family gatherings, let alone talk to our daughter or heaven forbid, call us. My husband matter of factlly said - oh, it's not you, it's me. They've always thought my parents paid more attention to me than them and they've never gotten over it. Gee, honey, thanks for making me think they hated me all this time.
So in answer to your question - it may not have anything to do with you. I've just decided to hang back and let my husband initiate pretty much all contact with his sisters. We have a great relationship with his mother (FIL passed away) and that's really all I'm concerned about right now.
You cannot solve her connection issues. Only she can. It stinks, but that's how it is. She blames you because "her relationship with her brother hasn't been the same since you came along". Of course it hasn't. He has YOU now and you fill a primary role for him which has pushed her to a secondary status with him. That is how it is SUPPOSED to be. But she isn't getting that and doesn't have a person who can fill that primary role for her.
Perhaps you could invite her over and have it be just her or her and her son? That way she would feel special instead of an afterthought ("Oh yeah, we should invite Aunt Polly too..."). And, she could develop a close relationship with your kids too. If she's a good aunt then she could fill a great role for them in their lives.
