How to Deal with Adult Stepchildren Who Exclude Me from Family Events?

Without more information to go no here.... you come across as a jealous person.

Maybe that is not the case but adult children do not need you to "mother" them.

What happened in the first place to make you feel this way?

I agree with others that you haven't given us enough to go on. You are their father's family, and it is in general inappropriate to exclude family from these kinds of gatherings. But without the whole story, we can't help you move toward a productive solution, because his children are also his family and they have been so longer than you have. There is clearly a rift somewhere but since you haven't told us what it is we can't help you heal or deal with it.

Is it possible that their mother won't attend events if you're there? That is wrong on her part but I can see why the children would want to have both their parents at events and you are the casualty.

I'm a stepmother so I totally understand how hard it is to integrate into a family that has been fractured in some way and then new patterns established, then you throw a new stepmother into it.

I agree with all those who say there's not enough info here, either about the circumstances of the past, the kids' personalities, or about your style and personality. There can be a zillion reasons why this situation exists.

But the key thing to me is that your say "my husband seems to coddle and reward their unkind behavior." So while the title of your post says the problem is with the stepchildren, the body of your question says that your husband is the problem. Either he has no backbone and doesn't feel loyalty to you or concern for your feelings, or he agrees with the kids and doesn't respect you or want you with him.

Marriage counseling. Now. Either fix the marital relationship, or get out if he's never going to change.

Could you offer more here? You don't give us much to go on. What kind of unkind behavior? How does he reward it? What does he say when you complain? Do you have children of your own?

Are you sure they purposely don't invite you or does your husband give that as an excuse to not take you? Could it be your husband doesn't take you because his children's mother goes, the event is oriented towards the family of origin. Going would make the family event awkward . Your husband has spent their childhood with his children.. It would be natural that their mother, who has also been with them since birth, to be there. I understand why it would be awkward to include you. They have had years of history together. Not including you may not be about you at all. They may just be continuing to do what has worked for them after their parent's divorce. Do they even know you?

Do they include you when their Dad makes a routine visit. Or are they acting as if you don't exist?

Have you calmly, without anger and blame, discussed this with your husband. Has he tried to explain why they don't include you in family rituals?I would understand not being invited to big family events if their mother attends. Family events are for family. His children were adults and had already formed rituals to help them be close to their mother and their father. You're new and not part of the childrens' family. You have made a new family with your husband. Do you include them while you and your husband make new rituals with them for your family.

Adult children can decide who they want in their life. Please find a way to not take their actions personal. Their decisions are influenced by much more than just your relationship to their father.

If you express your right to be included in anger, I understand them not including you. To do so may cause too much drama if you haven't made friends with them or their mother. I suggest you're more likely to be invited later on if you could accept that it's reasonable for them to not invite you now.

Six years is not very long, especially when his children were adults when you married. Consider how his children might feel. You are not their stepmother! You are the woman their father married. They were adults and had their own lives. If you are their for.personal events, your presence completely changes their family dynamics. Could your insistence in calling yourself their step mother set you at odds with them? Could you be criticizing them, making your presence uncomfortable at some events?

As others have said,.we don't know any of you. We do not know anything about you except you're hurt and angry. You've not given us any information that would help us understand your situation and make helpful suggestions. My comments are based on what I generally know about relationships.

I know that a 6 year relationship with the father of grown children does not make you a stepmother or a member of the adult childrens' family.

I also understand that 6 years cannot compete with the 25 years or more that they've been family through thick and thin. One doesn't just step into children's lives and have the relationship you want. Even stepmothers to young children have to work to build a relationship with children. Marrying into a family does not make one a member of the family. You are family with your husband but not necessarily with the children.in their view.

It would be gracious to include you some of the time but it's not required. It would be gracious to accept their choices. Do any of them come to your house. Do they feel welcome? Do you and your husband invite them? Do you plan activities that will interest his children. It really does take a tough skin, ability to accept them as they are and time to have a comfortable relationship.

Don't have enough information to fully answer this. If you had an affair with their father and he left their mother for you, yeah, I can see why you aren't being invited. If their mother died and you have tried to "mother" them, I can see why they haven't invited you.

I think your word choice shows a little jealousy towards the kids. "Coddle" and "reward their unkind behavior". I say you don't have a stepchildren problem, you have a husband problem. But again, I don't know how you came into the family dynamic.

More information would be nice to have because I just don't want to make assumptions.

So they were adults when you met your husband, adults now, and they don't need another mom? This surprises you how?

My dad remarried, and we love her, ish, she is sweet and makes him happy, just a little odd but in a good way, I digress. My point is if she was an evil gold digger or something we would have wanted nothing to do with her and if my dad blew us off he would lose us. Not a chance my dad would do that. You are kind of lucky your husband stays with you, don't think my dad would have done the same.

Just want to add because we are all kind of guessing here since you gave next to no information, is there an age gap? My ex's sister had an affair and then married the guy who was quite a bit older than her. His kids tried right up until his daughter had a baby. My ex sister in law declared she would be the world's sexiest grandma. I don't know if it was the idiocy of saying world's sexiest or that she would assume something like she is a grandmother to her husband's grandchildren but that was the last time she was invited to anything and the last time they came over to any of their events. Adult children don't really want new parents, they just want their parents to be happy. So if you crossed that line, duh, they don't want you around.

You could be like my step mother and if she can't go my father doesn't go (period). Or there would be holy hell to pay when he got home.

She wouldn't even wake him up when I was in birth with my second child to come to the hospital because it was after midnight. She told me they would come together in the morning. He needed his rest. (Her grandchildren were greeted in person by her with chilled champagne and strawberries to feast upon their arrival).

After being in the family less than a year she was telling my cousin how to plan my uncles funeral wouldn't let her and my dad work out the arrangements she insisted she was right and made the plans totally talking over everyone. She met the man once at their wedding.

My dad never stands up to her...she is at every event telling every one what to do and how to do it....do you think we even plan many events anymore?

Oh and my mom is dead so there is no other parent to think about...

If they don't want you there why do you want to go???????

But then again I am biased. I am the "un-coddled, un-rewarded un-kind step-child" that just wants her dad sometimes without the added baggage. Oh I mean my step-mother who never mothered me, isn't MY mother and runs every event she attends.

Ew, I sound pretty bitter, huh? Well, I guess I am, when someone who sells you a pack of lies while she is dating your father and then turns the tables after the wedding. Oh and had your dad spend all your mother's inheritance on expensive trips, homes and jewelry for her when my father knew good and well my mother wanted that money to go to her kids and grand kids (damn vaguely worded will!!!) So there has to be more here that they "just don't want you there"....in my case there are hundreds of reasons.

Maybe they haven't accepted you yet. Maybe they are still bitter to see their dad with another woman. Maybe they are just jerks. Maybe they just don't like you. Why don't you ask your husband about this as we don't know your family or your situation at all?

Your husband is making the choice to leave you at home. It's a problem with him, not them.

If he doesn't stand up to them and just bring you along then he's allowing and encouraging them to treat you like this.

I can't really comment because you left out so much.

When I hear the word "coddle" what comes to mind is that you are jealous of the children. When you say "reward their unkind behavior" it sounds like you are talking about small children.

I am picking up that you don't like his children, and if we can tell this from a post, maybe they can sense it, and so can he. Know what I mean? I could be wrong. It's hard to read between the lines here with so little info.

If you're part of the reason their mom and dad broke up - I wouldn't be expecting much from the children. As for your husband attending the events without you - perhaps he's just happy to be included himself. And doesn't want to fracture things any more than they have been.

I imagine it's very hard to not be invited - but at the same time, they would put their mom's feelings first. And I like AKmom's advice - that it could add too much drama or upset, or even an unpleasant vibe to the gathering - so they'd rather not. Remember these events are not about you. Births, weddings .. they are putting their own needs first. There's nothing really wrong with that.

I would continue to work on bonding more with his family - and to do that, you need your husband's support and a strong marriage. If they see this is causing you to be upset with their dad, that won't help. Once they see you're a stable, loving influence, then hopefully things will change in the future.

That's really between you and your husband. His children are free to invite you or not. What would upset me is that your husband doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that you feel excluded.

It's time to have a conversation with your husband. You have to decide how much this bothers you. Do you want him to just bring you along? Do you want it made clear that you are a package deal? Either you both go or neither of you goes? What would you like to see happen?

While I agree that his adult children should include you, clearly you feel your husband doesn't have your back.

I can't imagine anything more disrespectful than my husband purposely not taking me to family events. I think it's time for a new husband. Good luck.

There isn't much in your posting to go on, so I'm just going to suggest this: If their behavior is unkind, you are lucky that you aren't being exposed to more of that during family events. I love my husband, and I loved his parents, but he has a brother whom I'd rather spend as little time with as I could. His brother probably thinks I'm one step away from death, because whenever he extends an invitation...oh, my...I'm always sick!

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Updated

There isn't much in your posting to go on, so I'm just going to suggest this: If their behavior is unkind, you are lucky that you aren't being exposed to more of that during family events. I love my husband, and I loved his parents, but he has a brother whom I'd rather spend as little time with as I could. His brother probably thinks I'm one step away from death, because whenever he extends an invitation...oh, my...I'm always sick!

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Why do you think this is happening? What can you do to change? What parts of this situation can you make better? And finally, what the heck is your husband thinking?

Counseling now, for the future of your marriage.

There is too much missing information here. If you add a little background, you may get more useful answers.

How long after your husband's divorce did you meet and start dating him? Have you ever met his children? If not, why? Or, did you previously have a cordial relationship with them, and then something happened? How did it come to be that you have been excluded from family events? Whose idea was that?

Generally speaking, unless there are some very serious circumstances, it is quite disrespectful to exclude a parent's spouse from events. Have you talked with your husband about this? Instead of focusing on the children and their "unkind behavior," talk with your husband in a calm, non-accusatory way and share your feelings about being excluded from family events. That has to be the starting point for this. Ask for his help and support to bridge this very large gap in your family relationships.

If he won't discuss this or shows no interest in your feelings, then the problem is not your step-children. You may need to seek help from an experienced therapist to help you and your husband work through this. If he won't go and he won't help you work on becoming part of the family, you should definitely seek therapy for yourself.

Wishing you the best with this.

My daughter and I just had a good talk about step parent/child relationships. Don't take this the wrong way, but more so as it is what it is.

Our conversation was about jealousy, as she is having a little trouble at camp. I talked to her about how everyone experiences some jealousy but we have to learn how to control it or it will tear us down. How jealousy is among spouses, siblings, friends, outsiders/new comers, and how it loves step families.

As I told my little one, you will just have to love yourself and move along. In this case, go do something for yourself and don't say anything any further about a desire to attend. Let them go have fun, but make sure you are doing something for you. Hopefully, in time it will all blow over and everyone will be comfortable around each other.

Best wishes.

You need to deal with your hubbie, not the stepkids. HE should deal with his kids.

My stepfather recently passed away and what remains is twelve adult children (six and six on both sides) who are trying to figure out what happened after thirty one years. My mother and stepfather took more of an interest in eachother than in being parents or grandparents. And were actually not pleasant to have around. When my stepfather came he was unkind to people, would eat and then go into another room while our event went on. He appeared very condescending. Likewise ,my mother didn't act like she liked us or his children and when he was going ( I watched this) to see his family she was pouting as though they were robbing/stealing him away. After he passed away I found out also from my step brothers and sisters that my mother, when she did attend, would pout there, and sometimes went and sat in the car and drank by herself. I am getting to my point here. Your husband needs to include you and stand by you. I do not know why they don't directly invite you, but my mother was the 'other' woman and though they accepted her quite probably blamed her for the loss of their mother. You didn't say where their mother is. If she passed away, if they are divorced....so it's hard to know what issues they are starting with. If you really want to go, I wouldn't even make it a big issue-I'd just go and smile profusely and interact. Another thing I learned as I get older that unless it's a formal situation (a wedding where this a specific invite or a count for instance) people don't on purpose over look others , they may have assumed you were coming. Just invite yourself and go with the plan that you are going to create a wonderful time for yourself. And just tell your husband you'll be coming along.

It's not the adult kids - it's your husband.
If he said 'If you want me to come then plan for my wife to come with me' and then not go unless you go as a couple - then there would be no issues.
Maybe it's something he and his kids agreed to but unless he informs them that you and he are a package deal (and they can take it or leave it at that point), then he's just not comfortable having you around his family.
Maybe there's some sort of underlying guilt going on that he's married you?
Do you take him to your family events?
Seems to me that although married people aren't attached at the hip, they usually go together for most social occasions whether they are family events or not.

You don't deal with your stepchildren about this...you deal with your husband about this. He needs to tell his kids he would like to include you and bring you sometimes. He needs to tell them you are a team and how would they like it if only their spouse was invited to things and they had to stay home...that he would like to bring you and he would like them to get to know you better and to have a better relationship with you. This is all on your husband and how he communicates to his children. You don't need to do anything except be a pleasant person to be around and to be kind to them. However we do not know your history here and what kind of backstory you have with these adult children...that might make things a bit different.

I think you have too deal with your husband problem first. Once that is resolved, I bet the stepchildren problem will go away.

It's his job to include you. He needs to tell them that he will be bringing you.

Your husband should move to include you, but frankly, if he forces it and the kids don't want you around, they likely won't be kind to you. Do you really want to spend your time with people who don't like you? When he does these things with his kids, see your family or friends. Have a spa day. Do something special for you or your husband that will make things better when you both return home.