My husband completed his officer's training this past summer. He was away from our then 6 month old son and me for just one month. Recently, he recieved an e-mail containing hundreds of photos his roommate took while they were in their training. He seemed so excited about it, so I naturally showed interest as well and asked for him to show them to me. He seemed reluctant, and proceeded to quickly scroll down the page of the tiny thumbnails even after I told him I couldn't see the photos clearly and suggested he enlarge them. He then said that would take too long, and refused to show me them anymore.
We dated throughout high school, have been married for 2 1/2 years and have never had trust issues with one another. However, his lack of enthusiasm for sharing these photos with me makes me worry...and wonder. He actually asked me if I thought he had something to hide when I got upset about him not showing me the photos. I didn't think I felt that way until he said it. I feel like this experience is something that he would be happy to tell me about, but instead it seems like he doesn't want to share it. I have talked to him about feeling this way. Now that he even said it himself, do you think he has something to hide? Or, is he just not wanting to share his experiences for some other reason?
Thank you for all the advice and support! I decided to wait it out awhile, which was more than excruciating! lol He received a cd of the photos in the mail, which was a great reopening for discussion. He finally offerred to show them to me (again, after I expressed that I was feeling like he wasn't being open with me.). As many of you suggested, I think he was genuinely annoyed with having to show me all 300 photos. There were many of the obstacle course, waiting around, etc. which were unimportant. There were also a few strange shots- like of him pretending to be a hostage, which was an issue for him as well. I think he was embarassed by some of the photos, again as some of you suggested. There was nothing to make me feel like my trust in him is compromised- thank goodness! He has been and is an amazing husband. I think being a relatively new mom and dealing with insecurities with my changed body (i.e. "Of course he must have cheated on me since I look like this!") allowed my emotions to take over. Thank you again for the input and guidance!
If there were hundreds of pix, he probably didn't have time right then to download them all for you to see. I would ease into it gently by getting him to tell you about the training and his roommate. My husband was in the Army for 30 years and I know that their trainings leave little time for any hanky panky. Give him time and he'll come around and show them to you.
I would ask directly, "Why do you not want me to see them?" "Are you hiding something from me? or is there another reason?"
I am a military wife and I was once in the military so I have seen both sides. More than likely some of the pics may have him doing things that he probably doesn't want to explain or he's not too proud of. Boys will be boys! I'm not saying he cheated, but something does sound weird. There's a saying "What happens on detachment stays on detachment". If it is still bothering you, try and find a way to talk about it without accusing him of anything. I remember being off at training schools and doing some pretty stupid stunts, but I wasn't married. He knows he's in the wrong if he's being secretive about the pics, or he wants to avoid an arguement about whatever is in the pics. Good Luck!
I agree with Karen. I am an AF wife for over 12 years and my husband shares all the pictures...even the stupid rifle pictures and the drinking pictures and the "women" pictures. We disclose probably almost everything with eachother...we have too because we have spent a fair amount of time a part in the early years and let's face it..the mind can be a dangerous place as far as wondering "what if." It's shady to me. Go with your gut and confront him about it. I know that while they are very busy academically...there is time for hanky panky in various forms (drinking, cheating, acting like teenagers..whatever but there is time). He should want to share that experience with you, especially, pictures. I am sure there are not a lot of pictures of him studying if he was so excited about them. Your red flag is up for good reason. It could totally be benign but before it blows out of proportion you should tell him that it bothers you that he won't show you the pictures.
Good luck!
It is really hard for anyone, but himself to say his reasons. My husband is army and he doesn't not always share as much about his experiences with training, deployments as I would like either. I know that a lot of it has to do with him wanting to protect me from certain things, with deployments. Tranings are not always that exciting and sometimes contain some rather strange traditions that we can question. There are things I have just found out about with some of his trainings that occured more than a year ago. When we were first staring out, he didn't share as much about the military as he does now. For you to be asking these questions means you need to talk to him about it and how you feel. I will be praying for both of you. Being a military wife is not easy.
Don't worry about things like that. If you and your husband have a good relationship and love one another don't let nothing come between that. Continue to make your home safe and loving for you and your family. Don't go looking for answers because everyone is not going to respond to your question as I have. Just know that all relationships are not perfect and all relationships require some work. Continue to love yourself, your child and your husband as before and pray and ask God for guidance in your home
I think Dyreka's advice is dead-on. As a divorce lawyer I hear this kind of scenario again and again. His response to you is unacceptable and you know it. So many women kick themselves later, saying they knew something was going on, but they didn't want to believe it. If he has nothing to hide, he should not be acting guilty. But I also concur that you should not likewise violate his trust by accessing his files without his permission. On the other hand, if you have his password and he knows it, then it's fair game.
My first thought is yes he has something to hide. I don't like to say YES he has something to hide you know him best. But one time my husband was talking to an old friend from school. I had said he could talk to her. But once i had to check his email to get an email i had gotten sent to his (I had always been able to do this) When i checked it i found emails from her. They wern't anything really but i know woman and i know where what they were saying was leading. So i confronted him. At first he got mad and had a BIG fight about it. But later he came back and said "Well apparently i agree with you, it was going south if i hadn't been doing anything wrong i wouldn't have been mad about you reading it"
So i think in this case if you truly believe there is some thing you need to find out for sure and than tell him you know. Don't accuse him of it, don't say you think something is. Say "I know there is and i want to know what you want to do about it?" Accusing gets you No where. they will just deny it. But you need to make sure you are right about what you are saying other wise it will back fire in your face.
Well i think you know that there is something wrong with those picture. I wouldn't say it has to include another women but if those are all harmless pictures there is no reason not showing them to you. If you know your husbands email account and password i personally would check out those pictures if he is not at home. If he is making a big secret about it, i would see that as an invitation. But thats just me.
You are right, he should be more than willing to show off his new pictures that he is so excited about, he is obviously hiding something. And to top it off, he even asked you if you thought he was hiding something, he wanted to make sure you were or were not suspicious.
Keep your ears and your eyes open and eventually something else will happen that will give you an opportunity to discuss the matter.
Personally I would try to check out the pictures myself.
Let us know what happens, I hope things work out ok.
This is a huge red flag for you. Something is definately up and ignoring it would be a mistake. He is being secretive and not sharing a portion of his life with you and as a married couple, that can only lead to separate-ness. You need to get to the bottem of why he is with-holding, sooner rather than later.
I am a military wife who is married to the most wonderful man. I agree with the other posts that you have to really question yourself and make sure you have no other reason not to trust your husband. If you do not, then realize that this may very well be nothing. I, too, had questions about my husband's lack of enthusiasm for sharing work photos and stories when we first married. Now I understand that, with him, it's partly because explaining everything to someone who is not military is tiring and a bit of a waste of time, if it's "not important" (in his words.) Also, it may be that his month away was maybe a little fun or even somewhat relaxing compared to some aspects of life at home with a 1 year old, and he feels a bit guilty about enjoying any part of that time away. (He knows you didn't get a month "off" of being a parent.) Not that he wants to be away or would prefer life as a bachelor again, but, you have to admit, there are certainly some things of being childless and carefree that fun. Photos could include him laughing, throwing back a beer or two, playing pool... And maybe he's afraid that if you look at them and see him enjoying himself you'll either be jealous or angry with him and wonder if that's the kind of life he wants back.
I'd be a little put out that he didn't want me looking at the pictures; but honestly, you have enough to deal with without worrying about possibly nothing and turning into a private investigator in your own home. If he is indeed hiding something, trust that in life, all things are revealed in time. I wouldn't let that interfere with what we have now, and if something more presented itself in the near future, I'd deal with it then. I've often written that you cannot make people do what they should do, so if your husband was doing something suspicious, your confronting him wouldn't stop it. His commitment to the relationship has to be something that he honors, and vice versa. So, be a wife, be a mom. That's more than enough work. Do not become a spy. You do not have that kind of time to worry about a worry.
Well, call me jaded, but if he turned it around on YOU by saying: "He actually asked me if I thought he had something to hide when I got upset about him not showing me the photos" then I say he has something to hide. You do not have to feel guilty or the bad one for saying how you feel; he has to be transparent with you in all things to keep the trust. Do NOT let him make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong.
If you dont have anything to hide why not share them. I dont believe that married couples should have secretes/hide anything from one another. This only adds to the drama. This includes emails, cell phones... etc. Again, if your not doing anything wrong then you should have nothing to hide. Maybe they are some sleezy photos that he feels you would disapprove of maybe its something that could really hurt you. Either way the best thing to do is be honest and open.Men are idiots so dont over think things if he does deside to show you. Tell him thank you for not letting you think he could be a pig. Trust is a must and he should be willing to secure that no matter what the means. Refusal would only make me want to see them more because he just busted himself but no sharing. Shame on him for making you crazy.
I would be worried and tell him that if he doesn't have anything to hide, then he should show you ALL the pictures as big as you want em! But, then, I am newly separated from my husband of 8 years who has cheated on me off and on for 7. He was in the Marines for the first 3 years, and one thing I will tell you, is DON'T be afraid to talk to his commanding officers if you have doubts about where he is going, or if he says he has to take his personal vehicle for training (an excuse mine used). If you have a funny feeling, most likely you are onto something! Why would he be so excited and then not want to show you?
Has he given you cause to think he is hiding things in the past? Other than the pictures do you think he's hiding anything? I am a mom and an Army Officer. I haven't shown anyone my pictures from OBLC (other than trips I took to Sea World, the Alamo, ect) because most people wouldn't understand some of the stupid pictures that were taken. There was a lot of down time and people get that junior high humor and start taking pictures. I have pictures of latrines, bugs, people with snot coming out of their noses after getting gassed,ect. Some of the pictures are more than a little embarassing. Unless there are more reasons than just unshared photos that cause you to worry I would just let it go for now.
hi I am a female member of the navy and i know it seems strange for him not to be excited to show you what his expierence was like while he was away at traing but its not .... well not really . we have a strange bond and do silly things while we are away from home that we would most likley never do at home .he may be embarassed especially since he is an officer and is held to higher standards . all ian say takes a strong and understanding spouce to deal with a mil member . my husband and I have been through alot and maybe one day down the line he will show you the pictures express your feelings on the issue so that he understands where you are comming from and go from there
good luck
I definitely agree with Dyreka, express then protect yourself, but wanted to add a different spin. As a former member of the military married to a non-military person, there are many pictures that depict nothing really exciting, like rifle ranges, obstacle courses, stuff like that, but the people in them bring back great memories of teamwork and group suffering, which causes a great bond. So, he could be excited about them for an innocent reason, and maybe just doesn't want to explain the goofiness to you.
That being said, he should show them to you!!
Good Luck!
Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. I'm not saying he cheated on you or anything, maybe was just being immature and didn't want you seeing it. If my boyfriend was hiding something like that, I'd insist. The way he handled it is too suspicious, it would drive me crazy.
Hi A.,
Its hard to know for sure what if anything he is hiding but I do know one thing for SURE...you MUST listent to your gut!!
Good luck, S.
