Should I Be Mad?

He didn't go to a bar alone with her and say he was taking her for a drink to welcome her to the neighborhood. He didn't even go out of his way. He gave her AND HER KIDS a ride to school, where he was already going.

I live in a welcoming neighborhood, and I could see many of my neighbors doing this exact thing. It's one of the reasons I love my 'hood and I think it's nice.

No way should you be mad. He was going there anyways and he helped some neighbors in need. Would you be mad if it had been a male he gave a ride to?

Why do you distrust him?

I think when parents help other parents with their kids and their kids' responsibilities, it is seen as a nice thing for one parent to do for another...not as a flirtation.

It is very easy to see what your husband does for others, much harder to notice what he does for you. That is life, that is marriage, and anyone who says they don't do that is either unobservant or lying.

If your husband was driving some woman to her work, by herself, and it was in the opposite direction of his work I would say be mad. He drove a woman and her kids with your kid and he was already going there.

You really need to figure out why a kind gesture made you mad.

Do you love and trust your husband?
I would rather have a "nice" husband who is "kind" than a jerk husband who's an asshat.
Why do you care what your neighbors and other people think?

He gave 3 kids a ride, plus 1 mom to school that he ALREADY drives to with your son.
He didn't give a single woman alone a random ride.

Your feelings are yours, BUT - the question is are they valid?
Ask yourself why you don't trust your husband.
Or why other people's opinions matter more than your trust in your husband.

I'm trying to decide if this is a joke.

You are more worried about what people think than the fact that your husband was kind and gave someone a ride? I'm sure all they thought was that he gave the family a ride because he's a nice guy, nothing more.

Really-- I'm puzzled that one would even go there in their head. It's a trip to school with children involved, not like they were pulling out of a Motel 6! Let it go and pay attention to things that really matter. This does not. My husband gives a female coworker a ride home every now and again, as well as a male coworker at other times-- they are both in our neighborhood. I don't bat an eye; in fact, I would never expect him to NOT be kind because of what someone else might think. That seems absurd. Sounds like you need to examine why you are jumping to weird conclusions and using the 'what other people think' argument, because you are projecting your fears instead of owning them and trying to force your husband to respect the idea that rumor or gossip is more worthy of heeding than need and kindness. To me, that's far more concerning.

It sounds like you naturally have a jealous nature. It's something to work on on yourself. He was just being nice...in my opinion there is no need to feel mad or annoyed. Instead be pleased that you married a kind person.

My husband would do exactly the same thing in the same situation. It is in no way flirtatious. Please try to see how this actually reflects on your insecurities and not on anything he has done here. Unless he has a past history of real cheating, you are reading far too much into a simple gesture of help. Even if you say you don't suspect him but just worry what the woman or others will think --why worry what others think so much?

You already know he is outgoing and helps others; so please don't punish him with anger or suspicious questions because he was acting the way you already know he will act if someone needs help. Instead, think through why you are so very quick to suspect him or worry about appearances when he has done something kind. Would you be OK if it had been a dad and kids instead? If you gave a dad and his kids a ride to school like this, would your husband immediately be worried you appeared flirtatious or would he say "good for you"?

If you are suspicious or worried about appearances every time he helps someone out, you will find it very tough to be married to an outgoing "helper" personality like his. You might consider counseling if you have a lot of insecurity about marriage.

I will likely be in the minority here but I was married to a cheater so I have my own opinion.

It is not ok for a married man to give a woman a ride, anywhere, especially a neighbor. Did they just drop the kids off and then come back by themselves? Even if he dropped off her and the kids I don't think that's ok. This is how affairs start...something "innocent", just "helping out" and being a "nice guy". Then it progresses and then what? So no, no rides, no texting, etc. I would put a stop to this real quick.

Now that he knows you were upset by it, and rightly so, he needs to be respectful of you and your marriage and not do it again. JMO. Good luck.

No, you shouldn't be mad. You should figure out why you are so distrusting of your husband. Has he cheated before? Do you feel your marriage is so rocky that you have to watch him every second? Then work on why your marriage is so rocky.

Do you not feel that a man and a woman can be in the same car, company, break room or waiting room without hanky panky? My stepdaughter's husband is like that - he thinks she should not work in a company that employs any men. It's a horrible way to live.

A good marriage is never, ever broken up by a 3rd party.

I don't fully understand how you can make a leap from giving someone a ride to flirtatious move. In my lifetime I have gotten rides from many, many people ... several of them males. I can only think of 1 or 2 times when I thought there was anything flirtatious about it.

I guess I just can't relate. My husband gives people rides all the time. He's never done anything to make me not trust him, so it's a non-issue for us.

I guess I'm saying, if you don't trust him, you don't trust him, and you need to figure out why and figure out whether or not there is a way to begin to trust him. But whether he gives someone a ride or not really has nothing to do with it.

He sounds like a really nice guy. I see nothing in your post to indicate he was flirting. Do you trust him? Are there issues in your marriage? He told you he gave them a ride, so it was not a secret. He was nice to a neighbor. If anyone sees anything more, that is their issue.

You added on on the part where people might take this as a flirtatious to see if that would change the responses. I don't think that a concern of yours but rather your jealousy and own lack of security.

I would be disappointed if he didn't give a ride to a place he was already going.

welcome to mamapedia!!

Now ask yourself why you don't trust your husband? Are you projecting feelings on him for YOUR guilt?

Your husband did something nice for someone else. Unless he was kissing her or holding hands, he did nothing wrong. Has he cheated on you in the past and that's why you don't trust him?

Seriously. the KIDS were in the car too. Why get mad about that?

As a "giving" person, I know what it's like to have been taken advantage of by family, friends and acquaintances. It's not cool. I know better now, than to allow that to ever happen again by anyone. As an adult, I better. You don't want to treat your hubby like a child, monitoring his level of giving, as if he could never see the signs of being taken advantage of and failing to learn from it.

Additionally, you don't want to (pre)judge the recipients motives or intent. You have no idea how much of a blessing that ride may have been to that lady and her children.

Be confident in the kind spirit that your hubby has. That's a blessing. Work on yourself so that you're not intimidated by it.

You may need to ask yourself if you have any unresolved feelings. Any past issues that caused this kind of a reaction?

Otherwise, I would consider that an over reaction. If my husband did that, I wouldn't think anything of it- she is a neighbor. Neighbors help other neighbors out. Sometimes that can lead to a lifelong friendship.

You will be headed for divorce if you are mad and annoyed when your husband does a kind deed. Is there a reason you don't trust him? Be grateful your husband is nice and don't act in a way that will push him away. Be a wife that he wants to come home to. Don't be a wife where he feels the need to walk on egg shells. Ask yourself how much fun you are to live with.

BTW...I would be livid if my husband was mad at me for this reason. Your husband didn't go "beyond nice" IMHO. He gave a ride...end of story.

Have you always distrusted your husband, or is this new? Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? If my husband gave a neighbour a ride to a place he was going to anyway I wouldn't think anything of it. In fact, I would expect it because that's how we roll. Especially if it was a new neighbour who may not yet be familiar with the neighbourhood. Now, if your husband has a history of having affairs, then no, your not wrong. If he is a good husband who is also being a good neighbour, then yes, you are wrong to feel this way.

Why did she need a ride? What's wrong with her car?

I don't understand why you are mad and annoyed? Has your husband cheated on you and you don't trust him? Or you don't trust her? Which is it?

Why are you worried about what other people think of your husband? He's being nice and a gentlemen, right?

I don't mind Tyler being nice. I don't mind him giving rides to people. Just seems like there is something else going on here.

I'm going to respond to your post from a different vantage point.

Don't be so quick to dismiss your initial gutt feeling. We all feel what we feel for a reason. Sometimes it could be based on a lack of trust of our spouse or lack of trust in the intentions of the person he is helping.

Either way your feelings are valid and should definitely not be dismissed. You should however strive to understand where you lack of ease is coming from.

I love my husband very much and my husband would NOT drive an NEW female neighbor and her kids to the school because he is particularly protective of our relationship and wouldn't entertain something that could possibly be a problem for us. My husband does have a ton of female friends and once early in our marriage he crossed the line with one of his "friends". There was not sex involved but he definitely put our relationship in jeopardy with the text messages, phone calls, and whatever else there was between the two of them. Seeing her name and number pop up on his phone too frequently for my comfort is what got my radar up. After processing my own emotions, and coming up with an intelligent line of non accusatory questions I was able to get to the bottom of it and nip it in the bud.

You should be able to say to your husband, "Honey, I know you want to be helpful to everyone and I love you for it but is it wise for you to be alone with this new neighbor we don't really know? I'm feeling a little uncomfortable about you driving her around and would appreciate if you didn't." At that point the ball is in his court about what he is willing and unwilling to do. Hear out what he has to say and then respond. He should be willing to either stop driving her or at the least guide her to you instead.

I hope this helps.

I don't think this is about giving the neighbor a ride.

I think it's about you and your husbands' communication pattern.
When a person gets overly upset about something petty, it usually means there is something more going on besides the petty act.

Not saying that your husband is cheating, but you and your husband are not in sync and the 'giving the neighbor a ride' is just highlighting this.

Listen to your gut, that something is off between the two of you, and start working on healthy communication so that you and husband are on the same page.

ETA: My take on this is that your husband is crossing emotional boundaries with other people that you are not comfortable with. Your feelings are valid, your response of being angry may or may not be. The 'appropriateness' of your response is for you and your husband to work on together so that you both can identify what is going on here.

If they were alone then maybe I would be annoyed, but it would be a product of my own insecurity and I would let it go. There is nothing wrong with giving her and the kids a ride to school.

Sounds weird. Why did the mom need a ride? Being a nice neighbor / nice dad would mean just giving the children a ride, unless there is a very good reason why the mom needs to be in the car too.

Do you want your husband to be a jerk? Do you only want him to care about himself and his own family, and no one else?

What poster "B" talks about is someone who is taken advantage of by others. If that is what happens to your husband habitually, then that is different. Your husband shouldn't jump at every chance to help everyone. However, from what you said here, it doesn't appear to be.

There are people who care about others and people who don't care. Do you want that kind of husband? Are you that kind of wife?

I would appreciate my husband helping someone out. There's a difference in often and once in a while. Stop being distrustful when there's no good reason for it.

Is he the parent that normally takes your son to school? If yes then it's probably not that odd for him to give rides to a few more kids, he's on his way anyway.
Though why was SHE going to school? Does she work there?
I don't know, you either trust him or you don't.

Well it all boils down to intent right?

Was he just helping out someone in a pinch, is he doing it for recognition, is he flirting...

I don't know your husband obviously - but if he has a pattern of approaching women and offering favors and likes to save the day, ok maybe that's a bit odd ...

Why did she need to go? I guess here, we had men offer to drive our kids to things and I don't go with them. My husband does the same.

You can't control how she takes his offer. If it becomes apparent she's uncomfortable or something, he can deal with it.

My father in law was always doing favors for everyone.
And when HE needed a favor? - his so called 'friends' would vanish.
And he still kept doing it - he wanted people to like him - even if he ended up being a door mat.
There's being nice - and then there's being ridiculously nice.
I think there's a point where going too far is kind of unhealthy - like there's an insecurity issue somewhere that isn't being resolved.

Don't worry - really. I have the same kind of husband. He thinks he is being very nice. And they do think he is being flirtatious at times.I can tell. He insists he's not. I was only bothered when I felt the woman was extremely attractive and had a husband who worked overseas for months at a time. For some reason the neighbor who looked like a rhinocerous and her twelve runny nosed children didn't bother me so much. Go figure.

I am like your husband, so I would probably do the same thing. I would also not mind if my husband did it--but he's not that nice/social/outgoing (I love him to death, but we have very different personalities). It was probably very innocent. Sadly, it's nosey/gossipy/judgy people who would see it as something else.

If it was just this one time, it wouldn't bother me. If it turned into a habitual thing and/or if other things started happening like them hanging out together, chatting a lot, etc. THEN it would bother me.

I think giving a neighbor's kids a ride to school was nice. I wouldn't care if the neighbor went along too, it's her kids and if they're females then I wouldn't let them ride with a dad by themselves either.

This new neighbor doesn't know you, there is no way she should have let her little kids get in a car with a man she doesn't know. Even to take them to school. He could be a rapist and his kid a helper. Seriously? There's no way I'd let my kids go anywhere with someone I didn't know.

I think you sound afraid and jealous. If there was a real problem why didn't you offer to take them? Problem solved.

Did they take longer than the trip needed? Like gone an hour when the school was 2 blocks away and it was starting in 10 minutes when they left? Did they act like they'd done something wrong when they got back?

well you know your husband do you think he will cheat or does he just flirt? think about the situation he gave them a ride being kind you said that the kind person he is relax it was just. a ride giving by a kind hearted person don't worry Do you think you feel that way because of the lady just let how you about things and talk it out