Nevermind - Bamberg,SC

Lovemamanetworking said it right. I've had mean mamas go back in my prior posts, too, in order to dig. They are spineless.

What are you, in 6th grade?
Grow a pair and stand up for youself. This isn't the 50s and you don't need your man to fight your battles for you.

Call your BIL on his bullsh*t. Loudly. And publicly.

Set a strong example for you daughter on how a strong woman should be treated.
Good lord.

I would love it if someone could explain this united thing, we should all be united. I didn't see your question by the way. Why on earth should anyone be united with someone they don't agree with? If I say I am jumping off a cliff should all women be united an jump off with me? That is idiocy!

What is being united, does that mean you allow another woman to do something stupid because it will make her feel good for the five minutes before she does something stupid that will make her miserable for the rest of their lives?

I am a pretty good team player but when one guy is running the bases in the wrong direction I am sure as hell going to yell that to him!

"I feel like he should delete him from facebook, and make it clear that its not right how he is treating me."

Uhm, how is that clear?

"Clear" is going over to his place with your husband and speaking with him, face to face. "BIL, what's the problem? I've been nothing but nice to you. Why are you spreading rumors about me? Why are you mean to me? Let's clear this up. Family shouldn't be this way."

I agree with Manda, for the most part. Quit dancing around the issue, texting and facebooking. Stop being passive and just go talk to him in person.

ETA: "My main point to my question is should I leave my husband"

If that was the main point, you should have ASKED the question. I don't see it anywhere in your post.

No, you shouldn't leave your husband. You need to speak to your BIL and let him know that you're not going anywhere, so he can either continue to have whatever issue he has (which you're conveniently not telling us about....just why was he yelling at you??), or you two can grow up and call a truce.

3 years is a long time to have a rift and not have any idea why. How about you give us the rest of the story so we can give informed advice instead of complaining about the advice we're giving, which is based on half-truths and missing information?

ETA We on Mommasource are not trying to diss you. Just present a different side or set of facts for you to view. No one on this forum is going to blow smoke up your dress to make you feel good. We are trying to point out facts that you might be able to use to move forward. Remember this IS a public forum and you will get all kinds of persons responding to you from life experiences. Yes we are blunt and frank to the point that we sometimes are rude but we are trying to help you with your post. Learn to take the good with the bad. Many of us "have been there, done that, have the T-shirts and flags to prove it, and survived. Sorry you feel dissed.

Boss Fan took the words out of my mouth. Your BIL is jealous of brother and the only way he can "bring you down" is to bad mouth you because you chose brother over him.

Do have a sit down and clear the air before something really bad happens to all of you.

Be the better person and stop trying to be "nice" to BIL. Ignore him the best you can and move on. He doesn't deserve your help or hospitality and I would not go out of my way for him even if he were drowning. He has made it perfectly clear he is trying to break up the family at any and all costs.

Stand your ground. Have a good talk with your husband as well. Get the two of you on the same playing field and be united.

the other S.

PS Divorce is so painful but then again BIL would win.

Sounds to me like some combination of the following is in play: 1. BIL liked you and until you got married to his brother there was still a chance you would end up with him 2. BIL is jealous that you and daughter have taken his brother from him (not single and available to go out like they used to etc) 3. your BIL either wants children of his own 4. doesn't think your daughter is really your husbands 5. Hubby has said some of these things at some point to your BIL and your BIL is responding to that.

Seems maybe a sit down conversation is in order to clear the air.

Disagreeing doesn't equal cruel.

The guy sounds like he has issues. And they're not your fault; they're not under your control.

The thing that is under your control, K., is how much you let this hurt you. Of course it's going to bother you some, that's natural, but if you focus on just being really nice to everyone else in your life, and rising above this drama, than the other people in your life will see through his drama and side with you.

Right now your BIL has you right where he wants you, all manipulated and upset. The solution is to look for other sources of strength -- your own friends, your own family, etc.

You'll never be able to control your reaction to this 100%, but the more you can step out of this little cluster**** and into the big, wide world where there is important work to be done, the better off you'll be.

It's past time to be totally done with him. Ignore him and what he says and does. Think and act as if he doesn't exist. You are allowing him to upset you. I know it's hard to let go but you must for your own happiness.

Also let go of wanting and expecting your husband to defend you. You are a good person. You do not need to be defended. Your husband can not change his brother. He's wise to stay out of it. What he can do is not expect you to be involved with his brother and to protect you at family events. You and your husband figure out how to do that. Work with your husband instead of telling him what to do.

It's reasonable for your husband to have a relationship with his brother separate from you. Having one does not mean his not loyal to you. You and he are two separate people. You each deal with your own relationships. It's reasonable to ask for his help in finding a way for you to cope. But when you tell him what to do you are putting him in the middle, are setting yourself up for the sort of behind your back action that is making you unhappy. Only you are responsible for your happiness. When you try to change someone else (bil, husband) you are letting go of your own power. You feelpowerless and results in you telling others what to do which feels controlling to them. We all resist being controlled and tend to not do what we're told to do.

Bottom line. Take back your power. Decide what YOU can do. Ask your husband for support for your actions. Let him decide on his own action or inaction.

I suggest counseling to learn how to be a whole healthy person on your own. Also read up on co-dependency. I'm so very much happier. Now that I've learned how to take charge of myself.

Geez! You're giving your BIL all the power! Your're allowing him to end your marriage. Wow, why is he this important? Please get counseling so that you can realize that you and your relationship with your husband is more important than the power struggle you've set in motion. You want your husband on your side. So find a way for you to be on his side.

Um, no, do not leave your husband because you clash with his brother. Duh, lady.

Have YOU talked to your BIL? Didn't you used to have a relationship with him? Ask him what the hell is going on? When he doesn't speak, say, "Hey, dude, what's going on?" Yeah, it's your husband's brother, but if you were able to at any point establish your own relationship with him, then he's yours, now, and you need to address this with him. If you don't like how you are being treated, take yourself out of his line of fire. Stop trying to be so nice. Leave him alone.

Have you confronted the BIL? I wouldn't stand one minute for this type of treatment. My thoughts are that if he is going to be nasty, then you have nothing left to lose by asking him point blank what the issue is. You don't have to hide behind your husband to get to the bottom of this.
You can't be serious about leaving your husband over this. Screw that BIL. Just keep on moving on and act like he's not even there.

I'm so sorry thatsome of the nasty moms have jumped in to answer once again. You are in a difficult situation and in-law relationships can be a mine field. I would avoid any contact with BIL. No need to go out of your way to help or mend the relationship, just be civil when he is around. I would be upset that my husband didn't go to bat for me, but every family is different in how they deal with conflict. Doesn't sound like you and your daughter are missing out on not having a relatoniship with this guy, so just live your life. You may want to let him know that he needs to stop talking about you to others and leave it at that. Good luck.

Just addressing the cattiness piece, I just wanted to say that I've felt that too. I have pretty thick skin and I know I'm going to get all perspectives when I ask a question on here, and that's WHY I do it, but I've had a few instances where people get really catty; I've even had people bring up a prior post, that had nothing to do with the current post, just to get an extra dig in at me. But you gotta take the bad with the good and realize some people make themselves feel bigger by pushing others down. That's life. Sometimes the issues you raise touch a nerve with people. Based on the particular issue at hand in my example, it was very obvious that pure insecurity was the driving force behind bringing up past, unrelated issues. Those insecure people have to live with themselves and their insecurities every day, I only got one small taste of it among lots of good helpful suggestions too. If you let those things deter you from connecting with the mostly-awesome crowd here, you'd be robbing yourself!

Well if you husband was serious about standing up for you, he would IGNORE texts and unfriendly him until there was a real resolution.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like your husband is just paying lip service and has NOT talked to his bro.
Have you talked up him yourself? Like a real face-to-face talk?
Tell him he doesn't have to like you or you him. But since you're family now, you will not tolerate disrespect.
And stop listening to what others say he has said about you.
If you hear it yourself--fine--you know it's true, but you can't listen to all these other people.
After you talk to him, be polite, cordial & respectful. And don't give him anything to talk about.

I found this time ago, I want to share this with you, dear moms: (please do not stop until you read it fully)

"We all get to a point in our lives where we’re tired of playing ‘nice’. Where we’re done sugar coating the truth and fed up with false smiles. Yet we don’t want to be mean when we say “no” or when we speak our truth. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” rings in the back of my mind. Where did that saying originate anyway? Why were so many of us raised to be polite to the point of being inauthentic?

Many spiritual traditions ask us to be kind to others, so perhaps this is where nice emanates from. True kindness doesn’t involve being dishonest, yet when we’re caught on the ‘nice vs. mean’ dichotomy we end up being dishonest with ourselves and others. We say “Yes” when we really want to say “No.” We say “That’s okay,” when inside we’re screaming, “That’s Not okay!” Is it because we’re afraid of being mean, because we don’t want to hurt others, because we want to be liked, or because we simply haven’t discovered how to speak our truth with kindness?

Nice vs. Mean Dichotomy

I’ve been caught on the ‘nice vs. mean’ dichotomy many times. At the one extreme is the belief that nice people are polite, agreeable, kind and good. At the other end of the polarity is meanness – nasty, rude, hurtful and bad. No one wants to go there, but as with any dichotomy, we tend to swing back and forth occasionally.

If you can relate to this, you might find that with some people you’re always nice. Smiling and nodding, even though don’t agree with what they’re saying, or agreeing to do things you don’t really want to do. If you’re able to unhook from this side you might swing over to the other side of the dichotomy – becoming blunt, rude or curt. This tends to lead to regret and guilt.

There is a way to transcend the ‘nice vs. mean’ dichotomy and speak your truth with kindness. It involves centering within your spiritual self and viewing others with compassion. Operating from your highest self supports you to see the bigger, spiritual soul in another. Being kind allows you to speak your truth without invalidating the other person.

What is Kindness?

Kindness stems from compassion. It’s the ability to understand what another is experiencing from personal experience or imagining their situation. Compassion isn’t sympathy. Sympathy is when we pity another and don’t see their spiritual bigness. This leads to caretaking behaviors such as fixing others’ problems which only enables them to be incompetent or dependant. Sometimes walking away, saying “No,” or pointing to the painful truth with love are the most kind, compassionate things a person can do for another.

Explore the difference between being nice and being kind. Become aware of what pulls you into being in-authentic and nice so you can shift to being honest and kind. This will support you to speak your truth without being mean."

Enjoy your weekend!

A. :)

Since your husband is either:

a) a spineless jellyfish

b) whipped on his big brother and willing to risk his marriage rather than "break up " with him

c) a jerk who clearly doesn't really care about another man disrespecting his wife

YOU need to address this. I would never allow someone to mistreat me that way. Speak to him in a direct and clear way about why he thinks he has the right to treat you so terribly. Tell him he doesn't have to be your friend but he MUST treat both you and your child with courtesy and respect.

Once you clear that up evaluate why you're married to a man who doesn't have your back. Maybe counseling? Trust me, if you don't address this straight on with your husband it will happen again and again in other areas of your life.