Husbands Family Not Including My Children

Buy your own tickets and go in your van as a family. Tell her her invitation got both kids excited and you decided ot go rather than leave one child out. Let them rent a car. In the future, just keep doing what you do - be nice her kids and be a good aunt. Let them fend for themselves. I suggest inviting the inlaws to do some stuff with your kids and not inviting the sister's family. It strikes me she may, even unitntenionally, trying to get her kids the attention of her parents. Your husband shoudl back you up.

I wouldn't let them have my van, and I second the idea of YOUR family all going to the game together (or doing something else that would be fun). I would say "Hey, you know how your boys would feel left out and bad if your daughter came to a sleepover without them? That's how my boy would feel too. It's not going to work this time around, but why don't we all get together on ___ for ___ so we can all do something as a family together? I'm sure the kids would love to do something fun with their cousins and grandparents".
It's not rude, it's making your point without being pouty or aggressive about it. If that doesn't work, blow them off. It's the same dynamic as when you're in middle school and someone has a slumber party or goes to the mall with some friends but not all friends. What would you advise your children in that situation? It's not much different than this one, really.

I'm totally on your side on this one. You are right to put your children's feelings first. How unfair to exclude your family altogether. Ask your husband this question - If BIL was still able to make the game and they called for the van without "pity" including your daughter would it still be ok? I'm calling total BS on this. The ONLY reason they called you is for your vehicle. I pretty much guarantee that if their van was working they wouldn't have called you at all, they just would have given BIL's ticket to someone else. Not only would my daughter not be going, (how unfair to your son) but my van wouldn't be going either. I agree with Laeh-maggie - spend the holidays exclusively with your family this year and see how they feel about that.

I wouldn't lend them the van. They are using you. Buy your own tickets and go on your own, they can figure out how to get there. Your inlaws and SIL are allowed to make plans that don't include you, even if it hurts your feelings and makes your kids feel left out, sadly some families are like this. It's totally inappropriate for them to include one of your kids in the invitation for the ball game and not the other. Tell them no and let them figure out their own transportation.

Let your husband read these answers...

Hmm. Maybe there is a reason they don't invite you guys? Since they dont care to spend time with you I definitely would not let them use my vehicle. I never loan my car out to anyone and I dont think it's a good practice.
Anyway, I just think since they dont invite you guys to stuff there must be an underlying reason for it... apparently they arent comfortable for some reason. You might want to try to figure out what that is and it could probably change the entire dynamic of your relationship with them.

I have to say this you're family is a close match for mine. I have a sister that sounds like your SIL. She was always doing things like that. Mostly more often it was needing me to be a babysitter. When it came to her turn she was busy.
Speaking of busy, I heard you all are busy tomorrow night doing something in your own van.

Yeah, they totally want your van and taking your daughter is the "price" they feel they need to pay. They're using you in this particular situation. I would feel the same way as you, totally. Doesn't your husband feel like his own children are missing out on important family relationships? I BET his sister's kids are closer to the grandparents than YOUR kids, right? I think your husband needs to make more of an effort to get HIS kids together with HIS parents and HIS sister's family. I'm totally with YOU on this one.

She's inviting ONE of your kids... so that, they can then have ROOM in your van, for all of them... and are assuming, you will lend them your van.

They manipulated it, that way. Because, they want your van.

Frankly, I do not know, how your Husband can just sit there like a lump... and allow them to DISS his children and his Wife. Constantly.
If that were my Husband, he would not put up with it. At all.

His family does that to you and your kids, because they can. Because, they get away with it and have no remorse about it. And yet, they dump their own kids, on you. And practically "demand" that you take all their kids.

They are ALL really pathetic.

Please show your Husband, all the responses you get.
Maybe it will wake him up.
And he will then stand up to his family. Like a Husband and Daddy SHOULD.
They are dumping on you and humiliating you all.
With no regard.

Your Husband is wrong.
You are valid.
His family, are USERS.
And you all are being 'used.'

I guess, your Husband doesn't mind. He does nothing about it.
Or, he is afraid of them. So he lets them do whatever they want.
So sad.

First, they are allowed to have a family outing with their parents and not invite your family. If they were inviting another sibling and their family but not your, then you have a legitimate gripe.

She has an extra ticket and can only take one more person. If they were to get another ticket, it would not be with the group. Is your daughter older? If so, that is probably why she invited her. I would say "I'm sorry, I can't send just Susie because Johnny will be left out. I am sure you understand". Then her daughter or son can invite a friend instead.

Should she put forth and effort to know them better? yes. Should you point out that taking one kid of hers is no different than taking one kid of hers, sure but not regarding the baseball game.

What if they took your van and got into an accident? That liability is a huge issue! And you'd be without your car. Don't they have any other vehicles of their own? So what if they have to take 2 cars for everyone to get there! They thought up and planned the outting, so that's their problem, not yours.

As for inviting only 1 of your kids when they won't let you only invite 1 of theirs, I'd turn it right back and say, you have to take both of my kids because my son will cry...just like they say to you. LOL Put that shoe right back on their foot.

The bottom line is they want to use your property for the price of a baseball game ticket. They never would have invited your child if the van wasn't needed, extra ticket or not. I'd turn them down so fast their open mouth would be catching flies. Take your kids to a game yourself if you all would enjoy it and keep your distance from this insensitive crowd.

P.S. I agree with other posters who suggest your hubby read these postings. It will help him gain some perspective and perhaps quell the heated argument.

They are manipulators and completely unfair people to invite one child but not the other. Tell them to shove off and No, they can't borrow your van! They don't want to get to know your family, so why would you want to let them borrow your van??? Tell your husband to read the posts you get and tell them what he thinks!

M

Use April C's answer. Say no this time because everyone as a family should be included. You have plans and how sorry you are. Tell them have a great time and how excited you are to plan something to all get together in the future...blah..blah...Quite the opportunitistic manipulators huh? Set boundaries.

I think your husband needs to say. You can use the van, but here's the deal my son goes as well because I don't want him left out. You can understand that right? The thing that I see from your post is that it is becoming a pattern with your husbands sister and unless your husband sets it straight with his sister and frankly his parents too this will go on for years having several or all family members left out. I just don't think anyone is talking to each other. It could be solved very easily just by putting it out there. Good luck!

Find friends who your family can do things with - be as polite as possible, and realize NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
These are not people who are sensitive or who really care. The SIL is just a user.
But you MUST preserve family peace - just go find better quality people you can be with. Don't let the behavior of others dictate your actions - already they have you fighting with your husband and your children are upset - you need to shield your children, because it will just get worse.
Create a fun and better life for your family and let these selfish people GO. Be polite, but don't let them hurt you or your family any more. Do you really think that speaking up about it will change anything? Do you think they really care? Actions speak louder than words.

They are not accepting the new extended family. Next Christmas go to your family and do it for Thanksgiving as well. Don't tell them in advance. This bunch of bananas needs a wake up call.

Wow- I would certainly not lend them my van to go to this baseball game. Its crazy that they would use you like this and put you in the situation of disappointing one of your children-esp when she makes a deal that her children should not be disappointed. Tell her you have plans.

She's a user. Tell her your daughter's busy.

I agree with you, your husband needs to wake up. She does just want your van. How hurtful and disappointing that your inlaws treat your kids like that. Well, they have you and hopefully your parents. Too bad the other family is missing out.

This is tough. It is more natural for daughters to hang with their parents - grandparents are usually more close with their daughter's kids than their son's kids. So I don't think it's all that unusual for your SIL to be closer with you husband's parents than you are. I also think that they may not include you because it gets unwieldy to deal with larger numbers of people - it just does. Moving though a baseball stadium, Disneyland, etc. with 6 people is tough - with 10 or 12 it's much more difficult. My husband and I are not the type to go places with other families - it's just how we are. But we know lots of people who do.

Now it may also be that your SIL is just one of those people who doesn't like to step outside of her comfort zone. I wouldn't rush to take it personally. There may be any number of reasons. For example, I rarely attended my twin nephew's school, church & scouting events because at the time my kids were young, my son a pre-schooler who could not sit still, my husband was a rookie cop working all kinds of weird hours and days - so to go to their events would have meant I'd have to chase a pre-schooler all over the some public place since I couldn't afford a babysitter and my husband was always working. It was just too stressful. They are now young adults, just out of college and I'm just getting to know them now. It wasn't personal - it was just bad timing for my family. My other brother's kids iIknow much more becuase they're the same age as mine and they live only one town over.

It's easy to have hurt feelings, I feel left out of lots of stuff over the months and years of life, but I try to take a step back and think about the other possible reasons why I'm not included and there are usually plenty of them. Start to rebuild the relationship by inviting them all over for BBQs, brief playground meet-ups, etc.

Fainlly - consider that your SIL just isn't the same personality type as you are. Maybe she's shy and you're outgoing - or the reverse. Maybe she's really religious and you're not so she doesn't feel like she's got anything in common with you. Or - maybe she's just jealous of anyone getting her parents attention other than her family. Regardless - this is not something for you to stress about. Do not take it personally - it's so not worth it.

Sorry about this. Family issues are the worst. My guess would be that your sister-in-law is very much the daughter who is in touch with her parents a lot and they make plans together a lot. My guess would be that your son is a typical son and not as in touch and not a plan maker. This is all very normal for the gender roles. So, my first thought would be that your husband needs to start calling his parents more to talk about "the social plans for the family" as opposed to finding out about them after they are arranged. He also probably needs to start some plans and invite everyone. He has to take a more active role in the social stuff....asking about it lots and planning some. If he does this and you guys continue to be uninvited, I would say that something else is up that you will need to figure out. By the way, I don't see this role as yours right now. I believe it has to be your husband who initiates things. You can jump in later if this problem resolves itself. As for the sleepovers, no, it does not have to be an all or nothing and you just need to explain that. Some nights, the girls should get a sleepover and other nights the boys should have a sleepover. The child that stays home can get quality time with their family. And finally, it appears to be that your husband is just playing a role her has played his whole life in this family, which would be "passive, don't rock the boat". As a result, he allows himself to be taken advantage of, but does not know that is what is happening and the people taking advantage probably just think they are doing what they have always done. Please don't fight with him about it. Just try to talk in terms of truth and facts, with specific examples of situations that have happened. Maybe even write them down so the conversation can stay on point. I can be totally wrong about all of this, but this is the gut feeling I get.

I understand it's hurtful -- but it's probably not intended.

A couple of ideas:

If you'd like to do family events, plan them. Call your parents-in-law and ask them if they'd like to go with you to XXXX and tell them you're going to invite your sister-in-law and her family as well. Then do it. Then do it again. And again. Sometimes, do it with just the parents-in-law; sometimes, just the sister-in-law. Keep doing it.

Not that it's ideal, but I know in my own family my mom is more inclined to do stuff with her daughters and their families than with her sons -- including bossing us around and even inviting herself. It's not that she doesn't love her sons (my brothers), their kids or their wives. It's just that she's closer to her daughters -- a mother-daughter thing, I guess. When my brother or my sister in law call and invite her, she goes but it is a little less easy for her. Now, this may not be as it should be, but it is what it is. And, by the way, my sister in law who lives closest to her has been part of our family for OVER 25 YEARS -- and my mom is still this way. I'm not even sure she realizes that it could cause hurt -- and God bless my very wonderful sister in law for not taking it personally.

And, lastly, deep breath here, family is under no obligation to make everything open to every one else. Several years ago, my brother and my other wonderful sister in law (I'm so lucky my brothers have good taste!) planned a big Europe trip for our families and we included my mom. With just our two families and my mom we were a group of 10 (gulp!). I didn't want to "vacation" in a crowd. We didn't open the trip up to our other siblings, as much as I love them and their families. I know they were a little miffed, but understood at the same time. My take on it was that others could plan their own great adventure. The 10 of us had a blast. So, my point is that really, not everything should include everybody -- even the big things.

To be fair, yeah it's kind of miserable that your sister in law asked to borrow your car -- that would sting a bit. Hope you can use this as an incentive to maybe create the type of relationship you want to have with your husband's family. My husband will tell anyone that it's tough to be a "married in" in a close family!

Be the change you want to see in the world. (Ghandi)

First of all, I think that you must spend as much time possible with your familly and not to your husband relatives. Now, you have your own familly, and I don`t think it should matter what his sister does or not.
Second, if you wanted your son to go and not only your daugher, you should have bought tickets for all of the familly. Don`t expect your sister in law ask you that.
And most important if you have a problem with what your husband relatives do, make sure they know about it, try talking with they or suggest spending more time togheter, if that is what you wish for.

Wait, Im sorry I'm missing something. Your son is on the same baseball team? So why is he staying home anyway?

Instead of measuring and weighing about how much you do compared to how much she does, I would talk to her. I would express how hurt you are that you weren't included in her plans. "Mary, I wish we could tag along on these excursions. We all end up feeling like we're not a part of the family. We would really love to be included more".

I am very lucky to have amazing in laws, so I can't really advise you from experience. And yes, she most likely is asking for your daughter only to soften the blow of borrowing the van. But know that these people will be with you and a part of your lives for pretty much ever. Is it better to be right all the time or happy?

Give me a break-she knows exactly what she is doing. is she always a self centered bish? I'd keep inviting, and maybe you suggest family things. Invite them to stuff. Stop trying to figure it out, because you already know...

Hello, Family members can be so insensitive. I agree that the only reason they asked one of your kids was because they wanted to use the van. It would be tempting to not let them, or let them use it and don't send one of your kids. However, it will probably just make your husband angry.
The issue of your daughter wanting an overnight with her girl cousin is one I would stand tough on. I would make it clear that your daughter wants an overnight with just the girls. You are becoming a babysitter when she has to send her son with the daughter. Too bad if the boy cries. How does she think this will make your son feel if he cannot go to the ballgame when almost all of the family is going. That is sooo rude.
Good luck with this family.
K. K.

Honestly, I have had this happen to me but I didn't you shouldn't let it bother you. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and if they won't invite you make family trips/vacations with just your immediate family, thats the most important. Also, if they just invited one of my kids I would tell them, thank you but it wont be fair to my other child that he/she wasn't invited and find something you can do for your family that day or the next day so that they won't feel bad. Good luck! and don't let other people get you down cause many times our own families can be meaner than strangers!your not alone on this one!!!

Sometime things end up bothering us more than they normally would because we allow them to happen without doing or saying anything about it. I would tactfully, respectfully and constructively let your family members Know what they are doing. It has to stop or it should be used as a learning experience for your children on right and wrong. Your husband may just not want to deal with it which is unfair and can make things worse

I see an issue and I would be furious. We have had this happen with distant family and now I dont really talk to them too often (not my side). You are right in every way!