As a part of a premarital workbook Guy and I've been working through, we're supposed to come up with our Personal Ten Commandments for the relationship. These can be based on what we grew up with, what we want, or a combination. I thought I'd share with mine with you ladies...it's a neat exercise to do with your SO...because arguments often occur because one or both of the partners violated a commandment (of course, your SO would have his own list and you should know what is on it too!).
Here are mine:
1. Be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. What you say and do should be in line with your moral code and be a model to your children. This is the definition of virtuous living.
2. Be respectful and communicate thoughtfully. When speaking and interacting with family, we are more respectful, compassionate and appreciative than we are with strangers or non-familial friends. We do not yell at one another, call names or denigrate. We fight fair. We do not treat family with less appreciation just because we know them and their shortcomings and they know ours. We treat them with MORE appreciation because they know these things of us and love us anyway.
3. Be open about who you are inside. Home should always be our safe place to fall. We should not fear one another’s judgment…and family should be the MOST appreciative of the “you” you don’t share with the rest of the world.
4. Be a team. Family ought never to denigrate one another in public. We will work out problems and disagreements in private. Parents should never argue in front of children about serious issues (but respectful negotiation related to uncomplicated topics is acceptable).
5. Be decisive. If one partner is asked “what would you like to do/where would you like to go/what would you life for dinner?” The answer ought not to be “I dunno…what do you want?” At least give a suggestion, even if you’re not sure. The suggestion could be prefaced by “I’m not sure what I’m in the mood for…maybe ________?”
6. Be thoughtful and consider others. Unless there is an extenuating circumstance, he who cooks does not clean up after. Those who eat do the cleaning up. However, the person who cooks should do their best to clean as they go so as to ascertain there isn’t a huge mess to attend to after the meal. Try not to make more work for others. Try to give and do for others when you can.
7. Holidays can be negotiated (where spent and so forth), but Thanksgiving and Christmas always include (ChristyLee's Mom who is not married). She should not spend those holidays alone. It is preferred that C. does Thanksgiving dinner. Holidays should be celebrated with family. Friends should be invited if they have no family to share the holiday with. Being alone on a holiday is unacceptable.
8. Plan and prepare. While occasional spontaneity is appreciated, planned family time, outings and events usually yield higher quality results. Planned vacations, family nights, etc., are preferred so as to make the best use of time together. Planned purchases do not put a strain on the family budget.
9. I love you. Never part without professing love; never go to bed angry. You never know when the last thing you say to someone…might be the last thing you ever say.
10. Respect proper authority, both inside and outside the home. God and family come first. Promises and obligations should be kept.
11. Purchases outside of the norm ought to be discussed. Expensive purchases ought to be researched to ensure that the purchase is a good one. Bills will be paid on time, and debt should be avoided.
12. Be forgiving. Some or all of the above will, at some time, be violated. Truly forgive one another and harbor no resentment. Nobody’s perfect.
SOOOOO...what are your Commandments? I'd love to hear your feedback!
And yes....I know there are 12. But they're mine, so I say "whatev." ;-)
Loyalty covers it all. Unlike 'love', loyalty is more concrete. Loyalty means no cheating, no backbiting, etc.
I believe that these commandments can be used for potential friendships as well as potential marriage.
Hadnt thought of it but I'll throw out a few off the top of my head.
1) Thou shalt not cheat
2) Thou shalt not lie to me - and Keeping the truth from me is the same thing as lying!
3) Thou shalt contribute financially to our family, as long as physically able
4) Thou shalt give our children unconditional love, strong yet fair discipline and top priority with your free time.
5) Thou shalt not reject one of our children if they dissapoint you or turn out differantly than you would have chosen.
6) Thou shalt pull your weight around the house and with the kids
7) Thou shalt treat me with utmost respect
8) Thou shall never put anyone outside our nuclear family before someone within our nuclear family
9) Thou shalt observe and keep all holidays, birthdays, anniversaries as sacred.
10) Thou shalt love every thing I cook, whether you like it or not!
Same as for the rest of life:
Love, Laughter, Honesty, Trust, Compassion, Integrity, Hope, Humility, Equality, and Willingness.
(When these ideals are being practiced on both ends, our marriage gets to grow and evolve, even through disagreements, differences, and struggles. When one or both of us is shut down, not only does our marriage suffer, but our family and individual selves as well.)
1. Treat each other with compassion. Namaste: I see the same "light" within me as I see within you.
2. 100% honesty- be truthful, even if it might make eachother angry. Don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong.
3. Forgive each other... Everyone makes mistakes and we cannot focus on our faults.
4. As long as we have our family, we are home, and we will find a way.
5. Don't go to bed without saying "I love you"- even in a fight. Just because you are angry doesn't mean you don't love each other.
6. If there is no love left- there is no marriage... keep the fire burning.
7. Family first- always.
8. Trust each other, and be trustworthy.
9. In raising our children, be united. If we disagree on something, we will discuss our differences privately until we reach a resolution.
10. Use your mind, heart, and intuition to do what you believe is right- lay faith in the divine that you will find the right path with their guidance.
fun idea
-M.
Our pastor had us do something similar during our marriage preparation sessions. We had to come up with 5 "Please don't" statements.
1. Be honest in all things. If you don't want to do/go/see something please don't say that it's okay and then act otherwise.
2. Arguments happen and are healthy, but name-calling is not! Please don't say things to belittle me.
3. Please don't bring up issues after they have been resolved.
4. Even when I'm upset or angry, please don't forget that I love you and have chosen to build a life with you.
5. Please don't forget to be a husband and father first!
We had to do them separately and then exchange them. It was an interesting activity to do because I was really surprised by his and he was surprised by mine!
You can't really go wrong with clear communication and expectations.
Tracy...I so love yours! May I use those as well?
More than 10 commandments, I would have 2:
1. Do to others only what you would like others to do to you and your loved ones (don’t treat anyone in a manner that you yourself wouldn’t like to be treated).
2. Take responsibility for your own actions (after you become an adult, you’re the only one responsible for your life, even if your choice was to be passive about others managing it for you).
Please refer to George Carlin for my answer.
My Ten Commandments
1. Trust - build every relationship on trust.
2. Truth - be truthful in all that you do
3. Love - love everything you do and everything you are
4. Smile - it brightens your whole face
5. Relax - calms the nerves
6. Work hard - it's the only way you will be happy with what you have
7. Pass it on - when life gives you something good; do something good for someone else
8. Pride - take pride in what you accomplish; it shows people what is truly important to you
9. Talk it out - when you hide stuff form the people in your life it violates commandments 1 and 2
10. Have Fun - enjoy Life!
Speak my heart without apology.
We both put in the same on each end.....We started this mess together...We wade through it at the same pace.....We both cross the finish line together.
It is ok to get pissed at each other and say things we regret......But always end the fight with I am sorry.
Try not to fight in front of the kids.....but if it happens do it passionately and make up in front of them(non dirty). That way the see what a fight is SUPPOSE TO END LIKE...Correctly.
Treat each day like it could be your last because it only takes one wrong turn to end it:)
